What You’re Actually Consenting To (Part Two)

Setting a boundary can feel very uncomfortable when you’ve spent years keeping the peace, accommodating others, or worrying about how your needs will be received. In this follow-up to What You’re Actually Consenting To, we explore how to change relational patterns without immediately removing yourself from the relationship, and why even healthy boundaries can initially feel confrontational when you’re used to people-pleasing. You’ll learn how to create boundaries around your own behaviour, tolerate the discomfort that may follow, and begin discovering whether a relationship has enough flexibility to accommodate the real you.

Transcript

In the first talk called, What are you actually consenting to? We explore the agreements we can find ourselves living inside without ever consciously making them. The things we tolerate, The behaviors we accommodate. The moments when we say nothing because saying something feels more difficult than absorbing what has just happened. And after their talk, One listener raised a really important question. What if you recognize what you have been consenting to, But you don't necessarily want to remove yourself from the relationship? What if you don't want a confrontation? What if you want to change your participation in the dynamic without trying to control the other person? And particularly what happens when you understand boundaries intellectually, But you are recovering people-pleaser and actually setting one still feels enormously confrontational. And that is what I want to explore with you today. Because recognizing a pattern is incredibly important. But then comes the next question. What do I actually do differently? By the end of this talk, I hope you will have a much more practical understanding of how you can change your participation in a relationship without immediately ending it, Issuing ultimatums or trying to force another person to behave differently. I also hope you will understand why even a healthy boundary can feel aggressive when you have spent years keeping other people comfortable. And how you can begin tolerating their discomfort without immediately retreating from your boundaries. My name is Martha Curtis, I'm a psychotherapist and coach, And I work with creatives, And I also support individuals who are or have been in abusive or high-control narcissistic relationships. And today we are going to get very practical. And one of the most useful ideas in system psychology is that relationships are systems. There's you, There's the other person. And then there is the pattern that develops between you. You do something, They respond. You respond to their response. They learn something from your response. And eventually, Without anybody sitting down and designing it, You have a relational system. Perhaps somebody becomes irritated whenever you disagree. So you explain yourself. They become more irritated. You reassure them. And eventually you give in. And both people have now learned something. You have learned Disagreement creates emotional danger. And the other person may have learned. If I create enough discomfort, Eventually this conversation ends in my favor. Nobody needed to announce those rules. The relationship learned them through repetition. And this is where you have more influence than you may realize. You cannot control the other person's part of the pattern. But you can change yours. And when one part of a relational system changes, The system has to respond. And that response may initially be uncomfortable. And yeah, In fact, Quite often it is. So let's talk about why a boundary can feel like a confrontation. Let's take the example the listener gave. Perhaps somebody repeatedly raises their voice at you. You decide that your boundary is, If you raise your voice at me, I will leave the conversation. We can continue when we are both able to speak respectfully. That is a very different statement from You are not allowed to raise your voice. The first describes your behavior, The second attempts to dictate theirs. And this distinction is very, Very useful. The boundary answers the question. What will I do when something happens that I am unwilling to participate in? But here's where it becomes psychologically interesting. You can understand every word I have just said and still feel absolutely awful saying it. Your heart races, Maybe you feel guilty, You may immediately want to add, But obviously I understand why you're upset or. . . I don't want you to think I'm criticizing you or. . . I'm sorry, I just. . . And suddenly, Your beautiful, Clear boundary has acquired seven paragraphs of emotional cushioning. Why? Because for many people, Particularly those with histories of people-pleasing, The difficulty isn't understanding boundaries. The difficulty is tolerating what happens inside you when somebody doesn't like your boundaries. That is a completely different skill. And you know what? The boundary is often easier than the aftermath. So let's. Talk more about this. You can learn a wonderful boundary script. A lot of my clients actually ask me for boundary scripts. And yeah, You can practice it. Sometimes we do roleplays in our sessions. You can know exactly what you want to say, And then you say it. And the other person looks disappointed. Are irritated. Or maybe they look surprised. And then suddenly your entire nervous system wants to repair the rupture. And you think, Oh, Maybe I was too harsh. Maybe I should explain, Actually. Mm-hmm. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe I'll just let it go this time. This is where many boundaries disappear. The problem wasn't that you didn't know how to set one. The problem was that you couldn't yet tolerate the emotional consequences of another person experiencing your autonomy. Let me repeat that for you. The problem was. . . That you couldn't yet tolerate the emotional consequences of another person experiencing your autonomy. And guess what? If you grew up in an environment where another person's displeasure meant withdrawal or criticism, Punishment, Maybe rejection or emotional chaos. Then yeah, This makes complete psychological sense. Your adult minds might understand that this person is annoyed with me. But your nervous system may interpret Connection is in danger. So part of boundary work is learning to distinguish discomfort from danger. Someone being disappointed with you can feel terrible. Someone disagreeing with you can feel frightening. Someone thinking you are unreasonable can activate an enormous amount of anxiety. And you can still remain where you are. You don't have to make the other person agree. Because this is another place where people get trapped. See the boundary? The other person challenges it. And now you feel you have to persuade them that your boundary is reasonable. No, You don't. So suppose you say I don't want to continue this conversation while I'm being shouted at. I'm going to take some space. And they say, I'm not shouting. Now you are tempted to debate the definition of shouting. Trust me, I sometimes work with couples and. . . This happens a lot. So. . . You attempted to debate the definition of shouting. You say something like, You are, You're speaking much louder than normal. No, I'm not. Yes, You are. And suddenly you are back inside the argument. Your boundary has become a courtroom case. And you know what, You don't need a verdict, Because you can say something and that's. . . Okay, Whatever we call it, I'm comfortable continuing this conversation like this. So I'm going to take a break. See? This is enormously powerful. You have moved away from proving the other person wrong and returned to deciding what you are going to participate in. And You know, You don't have to. . . Try and win the reality argument. Because that example I just gave you, It can apply to so many situations. Perhaps somebody repeatedly makes jokes at your expense and you say, I don't enjoy jokes about me like that, So if it continues, I'm going to leave the conversation. Let's say they respond with Oh, You're too sensitive. You do not need to prove that you aren't. Perhaps somebody repeatedly calls you late at night and expects you to provide emotional support for hours. Now you can say. . . I don't take calls after 10 anymore. If you call after that, I'll get back to you tomorrow. And yeah, Maybe they think you're selfish. And you know what, They are allowed to think that. Or perhaps the family member repeatedly brings up something deeply personal after you've asked them not to. What you can do is, You can say. . . If that subject comes up, I'm going to end the conversation. Of course they could say. . . You can't tell me what I'm allowed to talk about! And Technically, They're right. You aren't controlling what they talk about. You are deciding whether you stay for the conversation. See that distinction? And one of the most useful ways to think about boundaries is to make them behavioral rather than aspirational. I need you to respect me. Is understandable. But what does that mean behaviorally? I need better communication sounds reasonable. But what does better communication actually look like? So. . . The clearer question is. . . What behavior am I willing to participate in and what will I do when that limit is crossed? And that might mean. If insults start, I end the conversation. If you arrive more than 30 minutes late without letting me know. I won't continue waiting. If you borrow money and don't repay it, I wanted money again. If you repeatedly cancel plans at the last minute, I will stop organizing my schedule around tentative arrangements. If work messages arrive outside my contact hours. I will respond during working hours. Do you see how little argument is actually required here? You are changing your availability to the pattern. Now, Of course, Some people just want to argue. You can't change that. If somebody wants to argue with you, They will try to argue. You remove yourself from the situation. A boundary that is repeatedly stated and repeatedly abandoned teaches the other person something. Teaches them that the discomfort of your boundary is temporary. And eventually you will return to the old arrangement. So this is why follow through matters. And you don't need anger or punishment. You don't need a speech. You simply do what you said you would do. Shouting begins, You leave the conversation. If somebody repeatedly arrives very late, You stop waiting indefinitely. If somebody continues making comments you've said you won't participate in, You remove yourself from that particular interaction. The potency here is in the consistency. And you can start smaller than you think you need to. But if you are. . . A recovering people pleaser, Then please, Please, Please don't begin your boundary work with the most frightening person in your life, The most emotionally loaded issue you have. Practice autonomy in low-stake situations. Someone asks you something and you don't know whether you want to do it. So instead of automatically saying yeah, Yeah. Say. . . Let me check and get back to you. Please trust me when I say that this tiny sentence can be really transformative. It creates space between request and response. You can also practice saying, I can't do Tuesday but Thursday works. So instead of rearranging your entire life, This is what you can do. You could also practice selling the food back when the order is wrong. Could say, Um, Excuse me, No, That's not what I ordered. Practice disagreeing with someone you like. Practice allowing somebody to prefer something different from you without immediately abandoning your preference. You are teaching your nervous system the following. I can remain connected to people while remaining also connected to myself. I will repeat that again for you. I can remain connected to people while remaining connected to myself. Because a lot of people practice self-abandonment. Next, Watch what happens when you stop over-functioning. There's another way of changing a relational dynamic that requires surprising few words. Stop doing the extra work. If you always remind someone, Stop reminding. If you always rescue the plan. Stop rescuing it! If you always initiate contact, Reduce your initiation and observe. And if you always mediate between two family members, That could be triangulation, So step out of the middle. If you always anticipate somebody's needs before they communicate them, Allow them to communicate. And this will be incredibly revealing. Because sometimes we don't actually know how reciprocal a relationship is until we stop compensating for the lack of reciprocity. And you might discover that the other person steps forward. Wonderful bingo. Because perhaps they had become accustomed to you doing more and hadn't fully recognized the imbalance. And that can become a very useful conversation. But you may also discover something else. You stop carrying the relationship. And the relationship collapses. Yeah, This information can hurt, But nevertheless, Seed is information. Sometimes people imagine boundary setting requires a huge conversation. But, You know, Often it doesn't. Now here's something else that's really useful. Use experiments instead of grand declarations. Because sometimes people imagine boundary setting requires a huge conversation. But actually often it doesn't. You can conduct a small relational experiment. You don't answer immediately, You try saying no once. You can ask someone to organize the meeting next time. Try saying things like, I would like you to decide this one. And try not to explain your no. Bzzzzt! Does the relationship tolerate your autonomy? Does the person become curious? Do they adjust? Um, Maybe they punish you? Do they withdraw affection? Do they escalate? Do they suddenly accuse you of having changed? Now these responses tell you something important about the relationship's capacity for mutuality. Well, You've changed! You may hear this. And yeah, Perhaps you have. If somebody benefited from you having very few boundaries, Your development may feel like deterioration to them. You used to answer immediately. Now you don't. You used to absorb criticism, Now you challenge it. Used to organize everything. Now you expect participation. You used to say yes, Now sometimes you say no. Of course the relationship feels different. You are different within it. And this is where people-pleasers often become frightened and return to the old version of themselves, That old familiar pattern. Give the relationship time to reorganize. A healthy relationship has some elasticity. It can accommodate two people growing. And now you're wondering, But hang on, Martha, What about compromise? Boundaries and compromise are compatible. And healthy relationships, They require negotiation, Yes. Perhaps your partner likes discussing disagreements immediately and you need 20 minutes to regulate yourself. That preference needs to win. You might agree. Say something like, Let's take 20 minutes and come back to this at 7. Now, That is a form of relational negotiation. You are both present, You are both adjusting, And you are both contributing. The important question is whether compromise remains mutual. If compromise always means that you accommodate and the other person continues exactly as before, There. You're not a scrub and compromise them. You are describing a pattern of unilateral adaptation. Now, What if they say your boundary is controlling? I have heard clients talk about this so many times. This accusation can particularly be powerful if you are already frightened of being demanding. Let's return to that distinction. Control says you must behave this way. But a boundary says. If this happens, This is how I will respond. And yes, Of course people can disguise attempts at control as boundaries. If you go out with your friends, I won't speak to you for a week. Maybe called a boundary, But it can function as punishment and coercion. So ask yourself, Am I protecting my participation? Or am I trying to make the other person submit? Because that question will usually give you useful information. Now sometimes silence is also a choice. There will be situations where you decide not to confront something. And that can be a very intentional choice. You don't have to address everything and every irritating behavior. You don't have to turn every relational disappointment into a summit meeting. And sometimes you notice something and adjust accordingly. Perhaps someone repeatedly cancels plans, And instead of having a huge confrontation, You just stop giving those plans priority. Perhaps someone consistently doesn't reciprocate emotionally. So, You could decide to enjoy the relationship at the level it can actually sustain, Rather than continuing to invest at the level you wish it could sustain. And that right there is also agency. The difference is that you are making the decision consciously. You are no longer unconsciously consenting and then feeling confused about why you are depleted. And as usual with my talks, You might want to pause the recording here and give yourself some time to reflect or maybe write these questions down and return to them later. Where in my life? Am I trying to change somebody else's behavior rather than deciding what I will do? Where do I know my boundary but struggle with a guilt that follows? What do I fear will happen if someone is disappointed with me? Where am I over-explaining reasonable decisions? What relationship might change if I stopped overfunctioning? And perhaps the most interesting question is, What am I currently doing for somebody else? That allows them not to change. Aha, Good question, Isn't it? What am I currently doing for somebody else? Well, Here's the one that allows them not to change. And by the way, Allows them not to grow. So please do sit with that one, Because sometimes our accommodation has consequences that we never intended, Ever heard of learned helplessness. And there's one more thing I want to address. Sometimes you do all of this, All of the stuff that I just told you, You become clear, You communicate. You stop over-functioning, You follow through, You allow discomfort. And yeah, The other person continues. Now at that point the question changes and it's no longer How do I communicate this better? You already have. Now you have information about the other person and what they are willing or able to bring to the relationship. And there are situations involving coercive control, Violence, Intimidation, Stalking, Retaliation, Abuse, Where ordinary boundary-setting strategies may be unsafe. And in those circumstances, The priority becomes safety and appropriate specialist support rather than confronting the person or experimenting with relational consequences. But in ordinary relationships, Where there is enough safety for both people to have autonomy, Boundaries give the relationship an opportunity to develop. And sometimes that opportunity is taken. People adjust, They learn, They realize that something they had become accustomed to was unfair. They step forward. And relationships can become considerably healthier when one person stops participating in an unhealthy pattern. And of course the goal is not to become less caring. That's very important, Especially for people pleasers. You don't have to become detached. You don't have to become cold. And you don't have to stop helping people. You don't have to start treating every interaction as a transaction. Instead, You can remain generous, You can remain thoughtful, You can remain empathic. But your empathy can include you, Yes you. Your consideration can include you. Actually it should. You know I'm not a big fan of shoulds, But this one. . . Keep that. Your generosity can have edges and. . . Perhaps this is one of the biggest shifts actually in recovering from people pleasing. Because you stop measuring the health of an interaction by whether the other person is happy with you. Instead, You can begin asking questions such as, Was I honest? Was I respectful? Did I respect myself as well? And that is a very different internal compass. And before we finish, I want to return to the question that prompted this entire talk. How do you change a situation without removing yourself or creating a confrontation? Well, Sometimes you change your behavior. Can reduce your participation and sometimes you stop over-functioning. Also sometimes you state a boundary once and then follow through. You negotiate. You can allow another person to be disappointed. You stop trying to convince everybody that your experience is legitimate. And you can simply watch what happens when you stop doing all the work required to keep an unhealthy pattern functioning. Because you don't need to change the entire relationship today. Just start noticing. One place where you routinely leave yourself in order to preserve somebody else's comfort, And then ask yourself the following. What would staying with myself look like here? That's another mantra question you can write down. What would staying with myself look like here? It might be just a sentence, It could be leaving the room. Could be waiting before answering. Maybe it's saying, I think about it. And also, It might be doing absolutely nothing and allowing somebody else to carry their own responsibility. The small changes, They are very important because, Like I said earlier, Relationships are systems. And when you change your participation, Something has to happen next. And what happens next. . . Gives you information. I want to say thank you to everyone who listened to what you're actually consenting to, And particularly to those of you who have asked for follow-up exploring what you can actually do once you recognize the pattern. Because your questions helped shape this talk. And if you know someone who is beginning to set boundaries, But keeps wondering why doing something healthy can feel so uncomfortable, Then please, Please consider sharing this talk with them. You know, You can care deeply about other people without repeatedly abandoning yourself to keep the relationship comfortable. Until next time.

Reviews

Amazing. Thank you Martha.