Losing Self-Confidence In A Narcissistic Relationship

Did I ever tell you how unworthy I used to feel?

I don't want to be oversharing I just want you to recognize that perhaps something similar happened to you and that's why today you're sort of dimming your light and you don't feel that you can really reveal all of who you want to be and all of who you are and so if my story can inspire you to start seeing how your story could be similar or perhaps wildly different but just to help you start reflecting on that I have to hide,

That I have to dim my light.

So for me this is how it panned out and I want it to be a story of hope because I'm now on the other side and if I am on the other side where I feel really good about me Well,

It means that you can too.

So of course we are all worthy we are all completely worthy and if we believe that we are not worthy It comes from an experience in life that made us believe that we weren't worthy.

That's all.

So.

When I was young,

I went to music college in the UK.

And I was.

.

.

I was doing well,

I was working after music college,

I was making money,

Life was easy and I thought well is that all there is to life and I decided well no it isn't.

I want to go and try out what it's like to live in France.

So I went over to Paris,

I emigrated to Paris or to France and I started to learn French and then I met this guy who opened up sort of the whole artistic set of people in Paris,

Like where you could go to parties with all these people who were sort of up and coming in the artistic world in Paris.

And that was very enticing.

He also had a motorcycle and he took me for a trip to Normandy and we stayed in this gorgeous old house.

It was all very enticing and he had lots of friends and.

.

.

I really got comfortable with some of them And then he moved away.

He moved down to the south of France.

And I stayed on in Paris because.

.

.

I was working there,

Wasn't I?

I was working there and he came to visit me sometimes and our relationship was not really that great.

But I thought,

Wow,

I'm sure it would be.

.

.

Really,

Really.

I don't think I was thinking actually,

I think I was just feeling this strong pull to move in with him,

To move to the south of France and make my life there.

And Really,

This.

.

.

Heartstrings were pulling me very very strongly I had this desire I don't think.

.

.

Just for him,

Although I was falling in love with him.

But I thought,

Yeah,

There's so much more to experience,

Perhaps.

So let me go.

And so i went to the south of france we moved in together and then Then he started.

Being quite nasty to me sort of not in a violent way,

But just very slowly and Insidiously he started suggesting that I was just not really up to up to scratch like I was doing a lot of things wrong and He sort of eroded my Self-confidence and I started doubting myself in a way I never had before and so maybe you've recognized that he was a narcissist right and there are some of them out there but we are really also playing their game when we fall victim to a narcissist because I was not questioning what he was telling me I was not at all well I was just integrating it really and the reason I was able to integrate it so quickly was that I had left all my friends like I'd left my friends first in Denmark then I left my friends in the then I left my friends in Paris and I came down to the south of France being really isolated.

Not a lot of people to talk to,

No friends,

A few acquaintances and than this person who really had me in his grip because Having nobody to be myself with.

And being criticized all the time.

I started to modify my behavior and I really started to doubt myself.

Now i was a musician and when you're a musician you play in front of people to make a living don't you and i was playing in concerts but i was starting to think Mmm.

This is really not good enough.

And the people who are applauding you,

Like your fans.

They are so wrong.

They believe that you're really good at what you're doing,

But if only they knew,

If only they knew how unworthy I am to be on this stage,

How unworthy I am to be living this life,

How unworthy I am for them to think good of me because I'm not very good.

And.

.

.

The reason it was so easy for me to slide down that slope,

I think,

Is because my entire environment,

My support system had slipped away.

And this got even more reinforced by the fact that I was now listening mostly to a critical voice.

And everything I did,

He found a way to criticize.

So it was not like from one day to the other.

It was just.

Slowly insidiously every day a little bit more till I ended up thinking hmm yeah I'm just not very good I'm just not very apt at being an artist i don't have very much talent maybe i should just find another thing to do maybe this won't work out because having not so much talent and being quite lazy and being so awkward in life well that's not really what you need to be an artist right so I had very very little self-confidence left But fortunately I saw his behavior towards my parents one day and I thought why is he being nasty to my parents who are perhaps not very interesting people but they are kind.

And they really don't deserve to be treated that way.

So I suddenly saw that.

.

.

Oh,

He was treating my parents unkindly,

And then I thought.

.

.

Maybe that's what he's doing to me.

And that was like a light bulb moment.

And that is really what I want for you.

It is ready to start noticing.

So fortunately,

He displayed that behavior to my parents.

So that I could recognise it because I couldn't recognise it for myself.

But I could recognise it when he did it to them.

And that enabled me to start questioning what he was saying.

And so I was able to leave him and start,

If I can say so,

A new life.

But it was as if you had planted a seed.

And weeding that seed out of self-doubt,

Of self-deprecation,

Of feeling unworthy and not good enough,

That took me so long to build up again.

But really,

You can.

You really can.

I did it.

So I did it over a long,

Long time.

And what I really want to stress to you is that you are the person who can do that.

Like it's not enough to go and find somebody else who finds you are marvelous,

Right?

It's not enough to find somebody who supports you.

I mean,

That is all very nice.

But there is a lot of inner work that you really,

Really have to do because it's changing your self-concept,

How you see yourself on the inside,

Telling you from the outside but changing it really profoundly on the inside that is what will help you and eventually make you feel completely worthy.

And much more than just worthy.

Wildly worthy,

So deserving and so unique.

So it really starts on the inside please don't rely on other people as i say often is don't outsource self-worth right really create it within yourself You can do it.

It's like going deep inside.

It's self-awareness.

It's really looking at the things that are perhaps not.

Conscious right now because intellectually we can tell ourselves oh I'm as worthy as anybody else But really when we want to be all of who we can be,

We really have to become aware of what makes us completely unique.

And then we have to nurture that part of us.

And that,

Again,

Is not something that can be done in an afternoon.

That attention you bring to yourself.

Every day and that little by little will completely change how you see yourself and how you see your possibilities and how you see your capacities.

Everything,

Everything will start opening up for you again.

So please be brave,

Go inside and just know that I have come such a long way,

Such a long way.

And so can you.

So I'm not saying I am fully expressed.

I'm not saying that there's nothing more for me to discover about myself.

I'm just saying that doing this work.

Keeping at it and getting better and better every day really is so worthwhile you can do it too really trust me you can so let's all get started if we're not started yet let's all get working on and when i say work it's not that it's hard work but sometimes it is and sometimes we discover some very disagreeable things but that's okay because we're doing this work with a lot of compassion So there's zero judgment,

Right?

I could be judging myself for having let myself be treated that way.

But really,

When I look at my circumstances,

I can sort of intellectually explain how it happened being isolated.

But then I isolated myself,

Didn't I?

I did that,

You know,

Myself.

And I also chose to believe whatever he told me about myself.

So I did play a role in it.

Forgive myself for that role and let me try and understand and the more I understand and the more I can see the mechanisms of it.

The more I can be sure never ever to fall for that again.

Never ever let anybody pick me down like that again.

So that's really what I want for you.

Please believe that all of this is completely possible for you.

Let me know if anything comes up for you.

If you've got any questions,

I'd love to hear from you.

So good luck with everything.

I've got full confidence that you can do this too.

Take good care.