Boundaries

This talk will help you: Recognize/notice when your boundaries are not respected and pinpoint the problem. Set effective, kind, and graceful boundaries. Be more of the person you really are.

You can be her because of the protection you put in place in the shape of effective, kind, and graceful boundaries.

Transcript

If you feel out of control in your relationships,

At work,

At home,

With family and friends,

You could be right.

If you feel that people don't listen to you,

They don't respect you and they may even take you for granted,

You could be right.

If you think that you have to put your foot down,

Demand respect or give orders,

You're most certainly wrong.

If you're here,

I suspect it's because you're onto yourself.

You think there's something you can do to improve how you set your boundaries.

It's about taking responsibility for your boundaries.

It's not about expecting others to change.

It's not about doing more of the things that aren't working.

It's about doing something different and being that person who expects her boundaries to be respected.

When you take full responsibility for setting your boundaries,

You'll feel in control of how people consider you.

This leads to a whole new way of solving for problems in your communication.

You're no longer doubting yourself.

You're no longer blaming.

You're showing people what your priorities are.

This is clear communication.

As Brene Brown says,

Clear is kind.

Make sense?

So to support you in building healthy and loving boundaries,

I'm going to teach you to Recognise or notice when your boundaries are not respected and pinpoint the problem.

Set effective,

Kind and graceful boundaries and be more of the person you really are.

You can be her because of the protection you put in place in the shape of effective,

Kind and graceful boundaries.

So to illustrate how important setting boundaries are,

Let me give you an example from my own life.

About a time when I dropped my boundaries,

When I let somebody walk all over me.

It happened to me during a time when I was living abroad,

Finding it difficult to speak the language.

So my communication didn't so much pass through words.

The culture was different and I felt I had to adapt myself to fit in.

Yes,

I was a people pleaser big time.

I used to call myself a professional people pleaser because I used to work on stage.

I was a musician,

But maybe I'll tell you more about that later.

I thought that if I felt out of kilter,

It was up to me to change how I felt.

I thought I was wrong and other people were right.

I let myself be wide open to criticism of the worst kind.

The one that doesn't come from love,

The one that wants to pull you down.

If I had a different opinion,

I thought I had to hide it.

I thought I had to blend in with my surroundings.

I couldn't just be me.

So as a result,

I ended up in a narcissistic relationship.

I gave up my values,

Knowing what was right and wrong.

I just blew myself open to believing the opposite of what I believed before.

It was as if I thought I could just try on a new moral code.

Also,

I accepted the unacceptable,

Being treated as less than.

So I changed my self-concept.

I'd always thought of myself as somebody frank,

Forthright,

Uncomplicated.

Now I learnt from this other person that I was weak and dependent.

I learnt from that experience that it's so easy to let go of who you are when you've got nothing in place to remind you and when your surroundings tell you the opposite of who you believe yourself to be.

So even the strong woman that I believed myself to be,

The one who'd emigrated twice,

Gone to music college against all odds,

In a moment of weakness,

This strong woman just let everything go because I didn't have any firm boundaries in place.

So as a result,

My self-concept changed.

Had I been a dog,

I'd gone from bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to having my tail between my legs.

I think this can happen to most people who put themselves at risk without any sound boundaries.

So I've showed you how my personal challenge with boundaries,

How that led me to an unhealthy relationship.

So let me now show you in what other ways a lack of boundaries can affect your life.

Not having boundaries leads you to over-commitment.

You may be saying yes to everything.

It can lead you to overwhelm.

You think you must be everything to everybody and then attempt the impossible,

Forgetting to prioritise.

And just as a reminder,

You are always the priority.

It can lead to unintentional communication and be a real energy depleter.

And it can lead to you denying who you are,

Taking your cues from other people instead of being the leader you are.

Or as we say in coaching,

Making yourself small,

Making yourself small to fit in.

This can leave you feeling drained,

Resentful,

Misunderstood,

Taken advantage of and undervalued.

As if this wasn't bad enough,

There are even greater consequences to not addressing your boundary issues.

If you don't address this problem,

You will likely burn out because of the over-commitment and the ensuing overwhelm.

You'll have less of the impact you desire at work and elsewhere because you're making yourself small and not being who you really are.

You will earn less as a consequence of not having a focus,

Of following instead of leading and people won't see your potential.

You will possibly get into unhealthy relationships just as I did.

So if these are the problems you expose yourself to,

Let me also give you three simple solutions.

And when I say simple,

They're not necessarily easy.

But the first one being that you need to recognize or notice when your boundaries are not respected.

And how will you know that?

You will know because of how it makes you feel,

How it makes you feel in your body.

Your feelings are always right.

Not your interpretation of circumstances,

But your feelings.

If you're feeling sad,

You're feeling sad.

And that is the appropriate emotion to be feeling.

And you know this because you're feeling it.

So don't argue with your emotions.

You just have to become emotionally literate.

You also have to learn and process,

Well,

To feel and process your emotions so that you won't make your decision based on a temporary emotion.

We like to make decisions when we're feeling,

Feeling strongly.

But that is not necessarily the best time to be making those decisions.

So let me tell you a story from my own experience to illustrate how I became convinced that other people were right and I was wrong.

I entered a competition or a contest when I was playing the harp professionally for a prize and for the money and the fame.

So it was a big thing.

It was an international contest.

And I was one of the finalists.

So in the finals,

There were only three of us left and I was one of them.

So that to me was a huge victory.

But my narcissistic boyfriend told me,

The other two are professionals.

You're not.

And then my immediate thought was,

I'm delusional.

And I felt dreadful.

Like going to the finals,

I kept thinking,

I'm not up to scratch.

I'm not really professional.

This is embarrassing.

I can't do this.

It's really difficult to be at your best when you're under constant criticism.

And that was what I was exposing myself through a lack of boundaries.

I wish I had the tools to question this line of reasoning at the time.

So let me share some of the tools that I've learned later on in life for setting effective boundaries that won't have you screaming your head off or getting disappointed when people don't respect your boundaries.

So my first tip on setting boundaries is to stay in control.

And how do you do that?

You don't do that by putting your foot down,

By demanding anything of other people or by giving orders.

You want to retain control.

And you do this by making sure that if people overstep your boundaries,

You call the next shot.

Real boundaries are the ones where you keep control of the outcome so that you get to feel powerful,

In charge,

And 100% responsibility.

Sorry,

Responsible.

Sorry.

What I wanted to say is that you get to feel 100% responsible.

And here's how you do that.

This is a theory behind it,

And I'll give you some practical examples afterwards.

My model says that,

And that's the one I teach my clients on how to set boundaries,

Is when you,

And then you have to fill in the gap with an action you want to stop somebody from taking,

I will,

And then you fill in the gap with what action you'll take.

So when you blah,

Blah,

Blah,

I will blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So in real life,

This looks like my first example.

When you leave your stuff lying around on the kitchen counter,

You'll be saying,

I'll put all of it in a bag.

Every fortnight,

I'll empty the bag in the bin.

Ouch.

Another example would be,

If you hand in this report after the deadline I've given you,

We won't use it,

And I'll take away your bonus.

Oh la la,

Worse and worse,

Right?

And a third example is,

Next time you leave your sports bag in your room with a wet towel in it,

I'll cancel your membership.

So here's what you need to take into consideration.

Empty threats don't work.

When people don't comply,

There are no consequences.

So they keep doing what you don't want them to do,

And you get left feeling slighted,

Deconsidered,

If that is even a word,

Or disregarded.

And I had one of my clients set some effective,

Graceful,

Kind,

And loving boundaries with her family.

She was married with three children,

And before coaching,

She'd scream at her children,

And I even think her hubby.

She'd scream at them so that they would tidy up.

And she'd complain,

I'm the only one doing anything around here.

I wish you'd help me keep this place tidy.

So she was putting herself in the role of victim.

It's what we call the martyr syndrome.

So her medicine was,

First of all,

She had to get honest.

So I had to write an imaginary letter to her family expressing her real fears.

And,

I mean,

She didn't have to share this letter with them,

But it was so enlightening for her.

And what she wrote was,

When I come home and see the whole house in a mess,

I don't feel welcome.

I don't want to be here.

It's come so far that I don't even enjoy coming home anymore.

I'm dreading it.

I feel afraid.

I feel that I'm not bringing you up to be responsible adults.

I'm afraid that when you get into relationships,

Your partners will get fed up with you.

I think somewhere,

Also,

I still want you to need me.

I want your help to clear all this up.

So she got really clear on what her real motivations were behind her desire for tidiness.

Being clear on what her real concerns were and her own participation in them,

She sat her family down and told them,

Kindly,

Gently,

Gracefully,

That things had to change.

She said they had to share the responsibilities.

So she asked them,

How can we keep the entrance looking good?

How can we ensure that everybody puts their shoes away?

She went over the whole house with her family,

And they had to come up with ways to keep things tidy.

They had to devise a way of holding each other responsible.

They had to come up with a way to reward themselves,

Too,

For not overstepping her boundaries and keeping the house tidy.

So they determined the consequences and the rewards as a family.

It wasn't her telling them.

They had to get creative.

So instead of her telling them,

If you leave your wet towel in your gym bag,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

She was making them come up with a consequence or a possible reward.

So they had to get creative.

On the plus side,

It led to more trips out as a family because of the rewards they got.

They got to go to the swimming pool,

The cinema.

They had pizza,

That kind of thing.

And the children reminded each other and their dad,

Even,

When somebody wasn't doing their bit because as a family,

They would get rewarded if everybody did their part.

So they would say things like,

If you don't empty the dishwasher,

We won't go to the cinema.

You better get on with it.

And nobody wanted to be the one who let the others and themselves down.

So it was a team effort.

So that's how you can create massive change by,

First of all,

Being honest about your real feelings and your intentions.

Instead of being angry,

You can admit to being afraid or feeling sad or something a little bit more vulnerable.

Then you work a plan with consequences and or rewards.

If,

For a whole week,

Everybody puts away their shoes,

They get to go to the swimming pool on Saturday.

And you can invent rules like,

If you don't tidy your rooms,

You can't have your friends over.

Sorry.

So setting clear boundaries leaves you in control because they don't involve micromanaging other people's reactions and behavior.

You're the one taking the action,

And this is so,

So powerful.

To feel this powerful,

You have to own who you are.

And that's going to be my third and last point.

Why is it that being authentic or,

How I like to think of it,

Sincere and genuine,

Why is that going to be your key to feeling in your power when setting boundaries?

So I'm going to talk to you about being authentic or,

As I like to call it,

Genuine.

So I already told you that I used to be a huge people pleaser.

When I say it like that,

I'm sure you can see how impossible it is to feel powerful when you think that the only way to be with people is to please them.

In other words,

I used to rely on seeing my value in other people's eyes.

They had to show me how valuable I was,

How much they appreciated me.

And if they didn't,

I took that to mean that I had no value.

I think it's so difficult to feel our own value,

Feel the value for who you are,

Because we've become used to seeing our value in what we do and then often in what we do for other people.

Again,

It's that value that gets reflected back to us in other people's appreciation.

But then what is your intrinsic value and how can that be enough?

That's something I work a lot on,

This concept of what is enough.

If you think about who you are when you're not trying to please anybody,

Who is that?

With my clients,

I ask them who they are when they're with people they trust,

When they're not on the defensive,

Ready to justify themselves.

Who are they when they're relaxed,

Rested and ready to go?

It's the you without the expectations they're living up to.

It's when you're not thinking of the consequences to your actions,

But you're being spontaneously yourself.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself in everyday situations to see how true to yourself you're being.

When you ask these questions,

It's not about finding fault with yourself for being inauthentic.

It's simply to find out what the most powerful version of you would do in a given situation.

Then you get to decide whether you want to be that version in this specific situation and deal with the ensuing consequences.

It's often the imagined consequences that have us deviate from our true selves because we can't really predict the consequences so our brain likes to come up with the most fearful ones.

But here are the questions to ask yourself at any tricky question where you want to affirm your boundaries so to get clarity on what your best self,

What your truest version of you would do.

Ask yourself,

What would I do if there were no consequences?

I love that question because we are so influenced by the consequences we imagined,

Just as I said.

So think about a situation where you'd be tempted to act differently from how you'd react if there were no consequences.

You could also ask you,

Who would I be if I was sure to be accepted and supported?

That takes that omnipresent fear of being excluded or rejected away.

We fear being left alone.

If we can take all that away and make decisions from that clear space of feeling in our power,

Then at least we've got the awareness of who we would be and what we'd do.

And then as a second step we can choose whether we want to act on that or whether we just want to stop at the awareness.

So try to answer truthfully and please remember you don't have to act on those answers.

What we are aiming for to start off with is the truth.

It's okay to notice that if you're being the truest version of you,

You'd do one thing but that right now you're not prepared to deal with the possible consequences of that.

You're allowed not to be genuine.

It's no big deal.

It's not an all or nothing situation.

It's not about being fake all the time or true all of the time.

Recognising it is already a step to changing it and that can be enough.

So if you choose to not be your most genuine self,

Recognise that and have some compassion.

You're afraid that she won't be appreciated.

Your subconscious thinks that this will destroy her,

So don't force anything.

The moment might not be ideal.

You can wait and revisit your decision.

Question your reasons for playing a role,

For conforming,

For living up to expectations yours or other people.

So it takes a lot of courage to be yourself because if you get criticised when you're being you,

It means three things.

One,

It's not the mask you're wearing that's being criticised.

It's not the role.

It's not your interpretation of the role.

It's you and that can be hurtful.

Two,

It means you have to believe so much in your own value that despite other people not recognising that value,

You'll have to believe so much harder.

Three,

It means you want to question your value and that can feel so scary.

To me and the people I work with,

Recognising your value means seeing your intrinsic value over the value that is in your actions.

So who are you rather than what you do?

So while it's being genuine,

Important for setting boundaries,

You might want to know,

If you set a boundary believing that you're worthy of having it respected,

You'll be willing to uphold it.

When you know your own value and you no longer need to have it reflected back to you by other people's appreciation or approval,

You'll be standing in your power,

As we say in coaching.

Other people will pick up on that.

They'll feel you and your power.

So I've got another story to tell you which was very enlightening to me as a teacher.

I used to teach too.

So when I started off being a teacher,

I thought I had to play the role of a competent teacher.

And I think we often compensate like that.

We're playing a role of whom we think we're expected to be.

But my students wouldn't have it.

They were little kids.

So there was no way they would accept a fake version of me.

I had to be myself and trust it wouldn't destroy me.

I had to become vulnerable and be myself in front of a class of 30,

13-year-olds,

If you can imagine that.

And through that,

I learned that I was actually resilient.

I was courageous.

I could be fun.

I was fair and kind.

So they taught me,

These kids,

That I was good enough as I was and I didn't have to play a role.

And that just changed my life.

To recap briefly what I've been talking about,

Let me remind you that when you don't set boundaries,

You feel that you've got no control over how people see you and relate to you.

This leads you to want to micromanage other people,

Manipulate them into doing what you want them to do.

And when they don't,

You feel powerless or out of control.

This is holding you back in your relationships,

In your career.

You don't have the responsibilities you're capable of handling,

And you might perceive this as people not taking you seriously.

You change this by setting boundaries from a sense of worthiness.

You look at your boundaries as a safe matrix where you can be your most genuine self,

Your authentic self,

Because you don't have to compensate a lack of self-worth by other people treating you in a certain way and thinking of you how you want them to think of you.

So this is how I hope you will take action and set powerful,

Genuine,

Authentic,

Graceful,

Kind and loving boundaries.

Thank you for listening.

Reviews

Very relevant and useful examples and explanations. Thank you! 🙏

Hello Dear.
Your Speech gave me good Answers to manage my Problems with this topic. I recognized, that i am already a person who uses your offered Tool. Thank you for recommending it to me.

(But i still have no solution how to use this Tools at my workplace, where my colleagues have no interest in my opinions or consequences and which whose there are not even regular conversations. Do you have a further tip for this specific case?)

Thank you for the vulnerability in sharing your own examples. It is very relatable, I enjoyed listening to this track. Thank you for the work that you do, putting this energy out there. 🙏🏻😊💗