Cultivating A Positive Mindset Without Pretending

This talk invites you to explore a more supportive way of thinking without pretending everything is perfect.

We’ll look at the mind’s natural focus on the negative, how past experiences shape our thinking, and how to notice what is already working in your life.

This is not about forcing positivity or bypassing difficult emotions. It’s about learning to:
• stay present with what is real
• relate to uncertainty with self-trust
• cultivate a mindset that supports possibility, growth, and resilience

You’ll leave with 4 simple practices to bring more constructive, empowering attention to your thoughts and experiences without bracing for life or running from your feelings.

Transcript

Today I wanted to talk to you about cultivating a positive mindset without pretending that everything is perfect. So if you're somebody who likes to mull over things, Who likes to be realistic, Rational, Playing it safe, Being certain. Well, We could turn that as having a negative bias as opposed to somebody who thinks that everything will always work out. You could think of them as being delusional or being like in wishful thinking, Being over optimistic. So what we're going to talk about today is not toxic positivity where you pretend everything that you don't like or everything that is negative in the world doesn't exist. It is finding the place where you are able to discern. Where what you're thinking whether it's got a negative bias whether it's fact and whether you would want to move it into a positive bias which is equally possible. Except through evolution, We have been wired into having a negative bias because it's kept us safe. And I won't repeat that story because if you're into personal development, Then you know the story about why we've got a positive, Sorry, And a negative bias. It's because we've been trained to spotting dangers. But in today's society, We might have taken that to the extreme we are most of us really okay aren't we I mean we are not under threat And anything we do, If it's not completely irresponsible, We're going to be okay. So why is it that it feels so much safer to spot the problems ahead of time? Why is it that it feels to be more realistic if you put a slightly negative slant on everything you want to do? Why is that? Well, It's simply habit. And if it's a habit it means that you can train yourself into a new habit but To want to change your habit from going into a negative spin and opening up to a positive one you have to feel safe in the contemplation that the positive is as realistic as the negative and that the positive is as safe. As the negative. So. Let's dive in let's dive in with a few examples Here's what helps you cultivate that negative bias, That negative mindset. It is that you're contemplating doing something, Maybe something new or maybe something slightly different from what you've been doing before. And then as it doesn't feel really comfortable your mind goes into scanning your past scanning your path to find and come up with all the times when something went wrong. And if it's something new, Well, You'll just invent. We have a propensity to invent missing information. So if our brain goes scanning for information and there is none, We will just invent it and we will sort of persuade ourselves it's true. But when you think of it. If you are prone to thinking in the negatives it's simply because you're bringing your past into the present moment and you have programmed your mind to only sift out all the times when things went wrong for you. And that is perfectly normal but if you want to change you have to stop telling yourself that this is, This is reality. And if we look at an example as in dating, If you think about, Oh, I want to date again, But really, Is it really safe? Shouldn't I just sort of wait and hopefully meet somebody by chance? Or I think the dating world is really, Really dangerous. And as in the past, I haven't had much luck in dating. I'll just leave that on the shelf and better not do anything about it. So we talk ourselves out of our dearest and most ardent desires, Don't we? By telling ourselves that it probably won't work out. And then we go into all the reasons why. That's when we drag in the past and we show ourselves by all these examples. Why it won't work. When you're attempting something new well you go into your purse you're scanning around and you can't find exact examples to match it but then you find examples of things that resemble it or you go onto all the other information you've got and you simply extract the information that fits in with this worst case scenario and the result of that is that you don't get to feel very good and that you will still be contemplating on this in years to come without ever taking any action because it doesn't feel justified in view of the evidence you've pulled up like why would you go out and meet somebody new why would you go out on a date if all the evidence you've pulled up shows you that it's just not worth it, It won't do you any good, Could even do you harm and you're sure it won't work. I mean you've got no motivation to take action on it. So it's really a protection mechanism because your subconscious what it wants is simply to keep you safe And as you're alive and breathing right now. Well, Why change anything? You are safe. And this is really so sad because in life we don't just want to be safe, Do we? We don't want to go through the mechanics of life. We want to be pouring our heart and soul into it, Don't we? Sitting contemplating everything that could go wrong is not helpful when you want to really create one of those lives that are extraordinary where you get to feel so much of everything that life has to offer and you get to really experience your desires so maybe you are also prone to sort of ponder on all the things that are wrong so your mind easily goes to all the mistreated animals and children all the wars in the world all the famines everything that is wrong and you think oh i'm hearing so much about this in the media so this must be prevalent this must be what is going on all around me and the thing is yes that of course some of it is going on around you but the media too have got a negative bias because who wants to know about the trains running on time as we say we want to know about the people who get murdered who get are swindled who get tricked who get abused we want to hear about all of that because again that feeds into this negative loop we like because it makes us feel safe we think oh i'm aware i'm aware that this could go terribly wrong So let me just scan my world for everything that could go wrong. Let me just scan it and make sure that I don't fall for it. Like, Let's keep myself safe. And in that. Safety. You're not really any the safer than if you were blissfully unaware of it. Right because most of these dangers are not something happening on your doorstep and it's something that you can deal with if ever it happened like in real life in real time so your mind has got a habit of taking you to the worst case scenarios to pull out all the things that are wrong in the world and keep you busy with them because as long as you're busy with that well you're not contemplating or thinking up or planning to do something different so that that just keeps you where you are it's when you have that feeling of being stuck it's when you keep bringing in all the all the evidence, All your past experiences, Everything you hear about. Everybody, The world. Anything really in the media it's putting all of that in front of you and focusing there. Now what we focus on is what we are aware of like the more we focus on something the more aware we become of it the more aware we are of something we have a tendency to focus on so this has just got a massive amplification effect When we tell ourselves, Let me be realistic. Well, That image that I just conjured up here, That I just painted for you is no more realistic than it's exact. Opposite. So when you think in positives, Now it's not. . . Making something positive out of something that that is negative like let's say your cat got run over you don't want to be sitting there thinking oh it was all for the best really i mean i'm so much better off without it right that's not what we're talking about we're not talking about this toxic positivity that just that you're creating to repress your emotions really that is not the kind of possibility of positivity we are looking at what i'm looking at is the positivity that is equally. . . Equally realistic. We're not thinking about or we're not talking about wishful thinking or or dreaming up scenarios although i can't see anything wrong with that but We are not wanting to live in a dream world. What I want to show you is that Being positive is equally realistic. Except if you have developed a habit of being in the negative loop well this positivity doesn't come as easily and you might be prone to viewing it with a little bit of skepticism so let's really unpack that now going on a date was my example going on a date thinking oh he's not going to like me he's not going to find me interesting he's not going to find me beautiful he's probably some kind of swindler and he's probably trying to get some money out of me or slightly less extreme I've been out on dates before, They haven't worked out, So why would I let myself believe that this guy is going to be the one. Well why would you want to let yourself think that? Well you want to let yourself think that because it is a possibility. It really is. And it's not because you've met other guys in the past that that it's sort of takes away from this new possibility. Because you when you think oh this might work out let me go on a date let me find out well then it might actually you might show up for that date being more open, Being more enthusiastic, Being more willing to open up to the person. So. . . Which one is more realistic really? Well you really can't tell can you? You really can't tell. Especially when we're talking about something as. . . Um how can i say unmeasurable as as the amount to which we like people right maybe even love people maybe even feeling attracted to them that's really difficult to quantify isn't it so Why would you want to predict whether this is going to go well or not so well? Why would you want to do that? It's because you're guarding against disappointment you're scanning the situation and you're thinking oh feeling disappointed last time I did that it really didn't feel good it felt so bad I stayed disappointed for such a long time I started overeating and I watched so much television I got behind on my work so I really don't want to run that risk again. So being positive becomes so much harder when you're dragging that evidence in, As I've been saying. But what if you just kept an open mind and you said something along the lines? Maybe this time I will be interested in this person. Maybe this time this person would be interested in me. Maybe this time we'll have some really good conversation. Maybe this time we'll be completely different. And if you can go into it with that open mind. Then chances of you being interested are so much higher i'm sure you can see that um If you get on a date thinking this is the worst thing I'm ever going to do, Well. . . You show up in a certain way, Don't you? And if you go on a date thinking this might be it, Well, You show up entirely differently. So having a positive bias can really positively influence the outcomes of your life. You can transfer this to a job interview. Going into a job interview thinking, Oh. I probably don't have all the qualifications I'm probably not the best suited candidate here as opposed to I'm actually qualified for this and I might be the best qualified, The best suited candidate for this job. You're going to show up completely differently. So when you look at it that way, What do you think is more realistic? I would say that both of them are equally realistic statistically speaking. Um of course we can't scientifically prove this right we can say statistically if you go to 100 job interviews there's so much of your of the unmeasurables of the things we can't see like your attitude other candidates and everything that place in that we really can't deduct any useful information about about the probability of you succeeding so why attempt it really why do that and i think personally that it is just because we're guarding against a feeling we don't want to feel but what if we we were willing to feel that feeling so for me it has been traditionally in my life feeling disappointed I feel that I've been disappointed so many times that I really don't want a repeat performance. And maybe you've been thinking something similar. If only we could accept that well sometimes in life I'm going to feel disappointed. And if I can sit down. Right here and feel completely disappointed and take extremely good care of myself I can nurture myself through the disappointment and not make it mean anything. Well then, Maybe. I'll be okay. So what happens if we are guarding against our feelings? What happens when we don't go for the job interview, We don't go on the date, Is that we are buying into the three Ps. Now the three Ps are. . . Permanent, Pervasive, And personal. So from one incident in our lives, We start believing that this is permanent. This will always happen. It's a permanent thing that's wrong with me, Which means that I can't find somebody to live my life with. I can't find the job I want to have. It's a permanent situation. Not only is it permanent for these things, It's pervasive in my life. Oh, I'm really always bound to be disappointed. I'm feeling so much disappointment in life. And I really don't want to do that. So, That is the pervasive, We transfer it onto more areas of our lives or more experiences more situations and then there's a personal thing we take it personally so instead of believing for the job interview that There was nothing wrong with you personally. Instead of believing that that guy and you, You didn't click because something was wrong with you. It's not personal. It could be outside of you. It could. Could have to do with so many other things that you're just not in control over. So we go into these three Ps. And they don't make us feel good because instead of just momentary disappointment we make this into a pattern of how we go through life We start taking risk, We have more and more negative bias, We put ourselves down really or we make the world wrong. Right and that doesn't feel good either so really we don't want to stay in negativity we want to cultivate that positive mindset where we want to go out we are willing to get hurt Be disappointed because we know we can pick ourselves up. So instead of thinking, I don't want to do this, Go for the job interview or the date, Because I might get hurt. I might be disappointed. We can think. I so want to find the love of my life. I so want to have a meaningful job that I enjoy that I'm willing to take the risk. I'm willing to take the risk of being completely disappointed. And if I am disappointed, If I shall see in the future, If I am disappointed, Then I know how to take very, Very good care of myself. So. . . Don't let the negativity stop you from doing what you really want or stop you from believing that what you want is possible. Because if the negativity has to take no or little action ever get to where it is you want to be. And if you could shift yourself into positivity or what I like to think about as. Or what I like to think of as possibility. Now there are no guarantees in Lovis. But the one thing I can guarantee is that at the end of your life, When you're about to lie down and die. . . Well, I think you're more likely to regret not having taken some of the action you really, Really wanted to take. Than having felt some of the disappointment, Perhaps some of the hurt. So, When you think about it like that, You've got the momentary disappointment of having your hopes dashed. Versus A lifetime. A lifetime of constant worry, Negativity and hopes just never fulfilled. I mean when you look at it like that. Why would you stay in negativity? Why would you? It is simply a habit that you might have been perfecting. And if you have, Don't be hard on yourself. Just say, I'm not a negative person. It is a learnt behaviour. As it is a learnt behaviour, It means that I can learn something new. Thinking in negatives isn't a personality trait that is permanent. And can I just say or remind you that personality is not permanent. You can go in and you can decide, Today I change. Today will be the day where I start training my mind to look for the positives in life. Not to deny the negatives, Not to deny that our world is perhaps not always the nicest place, Not to deny that some people might not always want to do only good. That is not what we're talking about. But just to get that more balanced view of life and then choosing where to focus. I think you've got everything to gain by focusing on what is positive because when you focus on what is positive then that is where your attention is so you get into a positivity loop where you think. About possibility You think about positivity. And you focus there, Your attention is there. Then it it keeps sending you around in this loop instead of the other loop where just you're just going from worry loops into worst case scenarios into dragging in your past or traumas or whatever happened to you in the past now let's be here in the present moment and from the present moment decide well what do I want to think right here right now What do I choose? Where do I focus? So here are a few tips on how you can get started. The first thing I would like for you to consider doing is creating positive statements about yourself, The I am. And if you really want to work on your identity, I highly suggest that you look up Louise Hay and you read her book on mirror work. It's about looking yourself in the mirror and changing how you see yourself. So I don't believe in mantras that you can't really connect with emotionally. What I do believe in is saying statements about myself. I am statements that are. . . Believable but a stretch. So if I say, I'm Katrina. It really doesn't change my perception about myself. Uh i stay where i am like nothing has changed so to change i must challenge how i see myself just a little bit not wildly so just a little bit so that it's almost almost completely believable it's just like a little stretch so here are some examples I am a caring person who meets others with curiosity and comprehension. This feels. . . Believable to most of us doesn't it I mean maybe you're not the most outgoing person on the planet but maybe you're willing to be a little bit curious about people and listen to them and try to understand them so that could be your first port of call I'm the kind of person who seizes opportunities. Now wouldn't that be great? If you were the kind of person who could sit and then spot the opportunities and then go for them. What would be different? Maybe you can practice that one. I'm a person who enjoys taking small risks and is ready to pick herself up in case of disappointment. How does that feel? What if you were that person? Taking those small risks and then being completely ready to pick yourself up. Try that out. I'm willing to see myself as in charge of my life experience. Maybe that seems a very fast stretch for you because you're thinking, Oh, But I don't control other people. I don't control my boss. He can fire me and all of that. But what if you were really in charge? What if you took responsibility for all your reactions to your life circumstances, To other people? What if you were in charge? And if that seems like a tool order for you, You can start your statement with I am willing. I am willing to start seeing myself as in charge of my life experience. I am the kind of woman who expects the best. I am that kind of woman. I expect the best. And why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? It is no safer to sit on the starting blocks watching what's happening in the arena. It's like. . . Well, Why don't you go out and just try it out? Knowing that you can always pick yourself up but i really expect the best try it out see how it suits To pick yourself up after disappointment or hurt you can start practice telling yourself something along the lines of This feels hard, But I'm okay. I'll take extra good care of myself. I'll make sure to listen to all my needs and make a point of seeing that they're met. Right now. I'll go and take a hot bath and soak for ages while listening to some chill music. Another way that you can start practicing more positivity in your life is by telling yourself an intention or setting yourself an intention in the morning, An intention for your whole day. And it could be something like, I'm now ready to be met with kindness in all my actions today. Or I'm ready to see all the positive people today and notice them. So you're telling your mind to scan, Not for problems, Not for things that are wrong, But for kindness. And it's really good to be specific. Um because when you're specific you um you are scanning more like you are focusing more on that specific thing so instead of setting your intention to feel good it's a little bit vague so if you could be a little bit more specific and really Focus your mind. Perhaps while you brush your teeth, You could just say. . . I'm ready to be met with kindness today. And then scour your environment for all the kindness. You can even set a new intention every time you change activity. So let's say before you arrive at work, You say, Mmm. I'm now open to be more efficient than I was yesterday. Try that out. And then when you go for your lunch break, You say. . . I am the kind of person who fills her body with only the best. And so you keep setting yourself intentions and it's just training your mind to go somewhere else than into the negativity. You also want to set your mind to work at scanning for the good things in your life. Try out a statement like I'm hugely successful in everything I undertake. If you don't quite believe that, Cast your mind into the past not to pull out the negative. But to pull out the positivity. Pull out your successes, Not your failures. So for me, That could go something like. . . I'm the person who emigrated to London to go to music college. I'm so courageous. I put on a one-woman show in the Avignon Festival. I restored a French country home back to life. I learned French. So please notice I didn't say I got a degree in French. We want to make it about your intrinsic qualities, Not outside validation, Not about your accolades. It has to be. . . An intrinsic quality like being courageous, Determined, Resilient. Whatever it is for you, Something that you feel, Oh yes, Actually yes, I remember that. So instead of scanning for problems you're now scanning for success and that feels so much better and believe me it really is a habit and as it's a habit you can cultivate it. So let me know which one you're going to try out. Are you going to try out the mirror work or just the I am statement? Are you going? To set an intention and are you going to scan your past, Your life, Who you are for all the times you've been successful. Let me know in the comments.