At The Helm: Protecting Your Energy

23:20

At The Helm: Protecting Your Energy

by Karelin Wadkins

Rated

4.9

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

51

Have you ever left a conversation feeling completely exhausted or wondered why some people leave you feeling energized while others seem to drain you? In this episode, we explore the science of co-regulation, nervous system energy, and the emotional exchanges that happen in every relationship. Together, we'll discuss why social interactions can feel especially taxing for highly sensitive and neurodivergent people, how stress and caregiving affect your energy, and why asking "What's my nervous system trying to tell me?" can be far more helpful than asking "What's wrong with me?" Through relatable stories, practical examples, and a compassionate approach, you'll learn how to recognize your own energy needs, set healthier boundaries, and create more opportunities for genuine restoration. A thoughtful conversation for anyone who wants to care for themselves with greater awareness, curiosity, and self-compassion.

Energy Exchange Nervous System Emotional Regulation Boundaries Curiosity Meditation Nervous System Awareness Emotional Self Regulation Energy Alignment Judgment Awareness

Meet your Teacher

Karelin Wadkins

Fair Oaks, CA, USA

Meet your Teacher

Karelin Wadkins

Fair Oaks, CA, USA

Transcript

Hi friends, Today we are going to be talking about our personal energy and how we take care of that. Now, One of our favorite shows is What We Do in the Shadows, And one of our favorite characters from that show is Colin Robinson, The literal energy vampire. Who drains the life force out of everybody around him. By telling them stories they don't want to listen to, Or being annoying and tedious, Basically doing all the things that we hate in life. And while that's a great character, We want to make it very clear up front that we are not labeling people as energy vampires. We are all guilty of draining others of energy or accepting energy from others, As well as giving, And it fluctuates all the time. So, We will be talking about how to navigate these things, How to be aware of them, And how to do a better job managing our own personal energy. So welcome to At the Helm. I'm Carolyn, And this is my husband, Jesse. Today, As we talk about energy, We want to think about energy in a few different ways. So energetic exchanges can be giving, Receiving, As well as the exchange of energy, Which sometimes we call co-regulation. And so recognizing that we can have different types of energy, Even within that, We can have a physical level of energy, Right? So if you get enough sleep, Are you getting enough nutrition? Are you taking care of your physical body? Sometimes, You know, Doing practices like yoga or exercising, Those kinds of things, Both, You know, Kind of take energy from us, But also sort of refill that energy in a way. And so that's kind of an interesting piece of energy to recognize is that there's the physical level of energy. There's also the nervous system level of energy. And that's something that I think a lot of people are becoming a lot more aware of, But something that we don't really pay that much attention to is that our nervous system is also recognizing energy and putting out energy. Energy. So if you are you know, Hypervigilant or kind of always on guard, Your nervous system is kind of lit up and constantly paying attention to different things. We are always like regulating our own emotions. We might even be co-regulating with a partner or with a child. In my case, With my therapy clients, A big part of therapy and what we do in therapy is that kind of exchange of energy that they are sharing something that's really difficult, Whether something that made them really angry or upset and that I can receive that and that we can kind of co-regulate together. Even a nice long hug with your partner is an example of co-regulation or with your kids. And as a teacher, You know, That is another experience as well. And so we're constantly co-regulating. We're regulating our own emotions. Our nervous systems are always paying attention to things. Never mind if you're neurodivergent. Your nervous systems are doing that even more so. And just day-to-day stress, You know, Is part of all of our energy levels as well. And so those are the kind of scientific perspective, The very grounded perspective of what things affect our energy on a daily basis. But from a more esoteric perspective, Some people really feel like they are more sensitive to others' energy and can feel things before they even have any kind of real interaction with them that they might find draining or uplifting. Case in point, I have a couple examples. One being, There was a cycle that was happening And with my own personal well-being, Some days I was just feeling so drained and so emotional. And I'm really good at checking in with myself. And so I would go and do all of my work that I was supposed to do when I was feeling those days and checking in with myself and trying to figure out what was really going on inside. And I could not figure it out and it was really frustrating. And then Carolyn had a really great insight. That had information that I didn't know. And she said, You know what, I've noticed a pattern and it happens to be lining up with my menstrual cycle. And when I'm feeling that way, You wake up feeling that way. And it just opened my eyes and really helped me be more aware of that. And then when I would feel it, I would check in with her and we would say, Oh, Yep, Look at that. What a coincidence. It's happening again. But help me be more aware of it. And that's in my own house. So that was an example of a personal experience in our own home. And then we had another experience when we were visiting family in Cambridge, England. We were touring the city and we had been there before and had a great time and really enjoyed it. And we were back and seeing more of it. And for some reason, I could just not get right. I just kept feeling off and out of sorts. And that's not normally how I am. And I had been there before and I really liked it. And I was trying to figure it out and trying to like power through it. And I was, You know, I was telling Carolyn, Like, I just, I don't feel like myself, Like something's off. And we stopped and went to a pub and kind of rested. And I said, You know, I think it's actually like the vibe of the city. There was an abundance of tourists there that day. And it was just, It was crowded and a lot of foreign tourists. And they weren't speaking English and I could feel kind of the vibe of the locals of being resentful and it was just like people were invading everybody's personal space and everything just felt a little bit off. And I had to really be conscious of it. And, You know, We were trying to figure it out and see what was going on. And I think that's one of the examples of sometimes, You know, Like my energy was really high. I was really excited to be in Cambridge and just, You know, Shop around and check out the pubs and that sort of thing. And I'm not a big crowd person. Neither one of us are. But typically I do find interesting things in cities like that. Whereas we know very well that Jesse is not a big city person. We have really learned that lesson. And there's, You know, There's there's reasons to do that. We went to San Francisco recently to go see a concert that we absolutely loved. But really kind of recognizing that sometimes one of our energies is going to be much higher than the other. And so in that moment, I didn't do the greatest job. You know, I don't think like we definitely checked in. I could tell that something was going on with Jess. But I think part of that codependent part of me, You know, Of course, Like that gets lit up when I'm noticing that our energy levels aren't aligning. That happens as well when my energy level is lower and he's, You know, Excited and wants to go do things. And so kind of beginning to pay attention to that. That sometimes our energy levels just aren't in alignment. And recognizing that even that focus that we need to take with each other of sharing stories together, You know, Kind of talking with one another at the end of a day of seeing, You know, Five, Six, Seven therapy clients. One of the things that I find most important in our relationship and something that we used to do when Jessie would come home from school is what we would call kind of the daily download. We would sit down, We would talk about how each of our days went, And I have begun to find. . . Especially as I'm going through perimenopause, Especially as I'm going through a number of things that are sort of reducing my energy levels, That paying attention to probably the most important person in my life is one of the more challenging things. So at the end of the day, We want to sit down and kind of check in with each other and that focus of really kind of paying attention to someone, Of maintaining eye contact with someone, Of even that, Like I talked about that co-regulation with each other, Of feeling each other's emotions back and forth, That that really begins to start becoming less available to me. And so something that Jessie recommended and my own personal therapist recommended that I don't always follow is that at the end of my workday, Since I'm not commuting home, I don't have that chance to listen to some music, Or listen to a podcast or just kind of have some time to myself. I just walked straight out from my therapy office into my home and that wasn't really working for us. My energy levels weren't transitioning. I wasn't really kind of delineating between the energy of a therapist who is very much in tune with my clients, Is very much co-regulating, Is very much, You know, Kind of ready. I don't know what my clients are going to say or need in any given session and so I'm very much on that kind of high alert and then I just walk right out of my therapy session into my personal life. And instead of being able to kind of relax and just be around the partner that I really enjoy, I'm still in that kind of mode of trying to pay attention, Trying to figure out what he needs, You know, Kind of trying to co-regulate all of those sort of things. And that energy bar, So to speak, Has already been depleted by my clients. And so paying attention to each other can really zap a lot of energy out of us, And in therapy and the work that I do, But also in the work that you do in teaching. I'm sorry, Could you repeat all of that? I didn't have the energy to focus. Of course not. OK. So yes, Being a teacher, People in the teaching and education field can relate to this, Can be a little bit draining, A little bit taxing. It can also be very uplifting as well. But being in a classroom, Especially with middle school students, Sometimes I would walk in and I could immediately feel that the energy of the room was not good. That I was going to have to work really hard to get the energy levels up, To get the focus and the attention, Or deal with emotional issues or things that the kids were struggling with. And it would be very draining, And I would come home and just feel exhausted, Even though I spent decades as a Navy sailor and doing blue-collar jobs that drained my physical energy. I would often joke that I would want to go back to the flight deck of an aircraft carrier to get a break. And work 12 hours a day. Because that seemed like a vacation compared to teaching a room of 30 middle schoolers at a time. So. . . And I was very glad to do it. And I got a lot back from them, But it was something I had to be very conscious of. As I navigated those. That maelstrom of teenage energy. What would you have to do on like a day? So if you walk into the classroom and the vibe of the class just isn't what it normally is, You know, Let's say the kids are pretty low energy or you can tell that people are like kind of emotionally struggling. What would you notice about yourself as you sort of walked into that environment that might lead to you kind of feeling drained at the end of the day? If it was low energy, Then I would immediately shift into energy giving mood, You know, Like I would like, Okay, I'm going to start the day off as Robin Williams. Minus the cocaine. And then I would just start performing and trying to get anything out of them and trying to give them energy and get them laughing or get them moving and lift them up. And then if I could feel there was a heavy air to the energy or there was something, Then we would do check-ins. We would see how things were going and we would try and talk it out and explore the feelings and try and overcome that. We did a lot of different things. Sometimes we would do meditations or we would do breath work. People would think I was kind of crazy trying to do breath work or meditations with 30 middle schoolers and it wasn't always easy but often times they would do a really good job with it and they would report back how much better they felt, How much of an effect it had on them. Yeah, And so for teachers out there, There really is a ton of research that shows that doing short meditations, You know, I think that's where I went wrong. When I used to work with kids a lot, I would try to get through 10, 15 minute long meditations. And I'm sure many of you out there are chuckling to yourself that, You know, I should have figured that out. But short meditations, One or two minutes can really make a huge impact. That goes for teachers, That goes for parents, That doing that kind of process with our kids or with our partners can actually be really impactful. Sometimes Jesse and I will take what we call meditation naps, Where we'll just go lay down, Put a meditation on. If you make it to the end, Great. If you've fallen asleep, And that says, You know, That your nervous system has relaxed. I remember once going and having a massage with a massage therapist I particularly liked. And I kept sort of, You know, Kind of drifting off during the massage. And I apologized to her afterwards because I'm codependent. And she said to me, That's great. That's a great sign that your nervous system was relaxed, That you were feeling relaxed. And so looking for those moments, Those moments, I used to have a good friend who every time they came over, They would, You know, Sit down on the couch to watch TV and they would fall asleep. And there was a part of me that felt frustrated by it. But there was also a part of me that really felt relieved that this was a place where they felt comfortable enough that their nervous system slowed down. Down enough that they could get that rest. And so recognizing that that nervous system is kind of always functioning, It's always looking for danger. And again, Especially if we're dealing with ADHD, Autism, OCD, Those nervous systems are taking in a lot more information and trying to make sense of all of that. Even thinking about, You know, A common trait with autism is sort of like a sensory feeling, Like certain senses, Certain clothing or tags on clothing, That sort of thing. Imagine that your brain is taking the energy to pay attention to that, Whereas maybe a more kind of neurotypical brain isn't. So cutting yourself some slack and recognizing that our nervous systems are always spending energy and they're also always borrowing from each other. So again, When I walk out of my therapy office, If I've had a particular clearly difficult day, I go and give my husband a hug or we sit down together, My nervous system starts kind of borrowing and pulling on his. Just like when he was in the classroom and he would walk in and his nervous system would reach out to 25, 30 plus kids. And try to pay attention to that. And I think that we forget that most of us do a job where we are interacting with people, Whether it's therapy, Teaching, Healthcare workers, Car salesmen, Right? Like people are coming into and out of our lives all the time. And our nervous systems, Our energy levels, However you want to think about it, Are trying to align with one another. And so, You know, That may happen by becoming Robin Williams and trying to lift the energy of the classroom. That may happen by trying to kind of Project a very calm, Like we hear a lot from people that when our partners are absolutely frazzled and having a really difficult time, That that's when I'm the calmest, Right? So that is your nervous system trying to co-regulate and pull them back to a more reasonable energy level. And so just recognizing that that's a really common thing that happens, And then it's happening even without us knowing it. It happens with our animals, It happens with our partners, Our kids, Customers, Any kind of people that we exchange FaceTime with, Really. So it's incredibly important to become aware of the energy and what energy you have and what other energies are affecting you. I feel like I've been somewhat blind to this other sense that is always going on. And trying to navigate based on not having that information made it so much more difficult. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't logic my way out of it. I couldn't think out of it. And being aware of it has allowed me to be so much better at navigating it. Being aware of. I'll even feel, Oh, We're going to go do this thing, Or we're going to hang out with these people, And I'll feel something inside. For some reason, I don't feel like doing that. There's something inside of me that's saying, That doesn't sound good. Then I have to be aware and say, Oh, You know, Um, That person. You know, I love that person, But they're having a really hard time right now and they need a lot. And maybe I don't have that to give at this time. So I have to set a boundary for myself. We can't always do that. We are required to participate in life all the time. I like to teach improv comedy with my students because I think it's one of the greatest life skills because that's what we're all doing all the time. We're all improvising. Through life. And sometimes we're performing more than others and kind of playing a character and presenting ourselves as something, Which can be very exhausting if we're performing a character all the time and not being authentic. But we have to, Like Carolyn said, Recognize we're assessing all the time. How are these people feeling? What are they saying? What are their facial expressions? What do I need to do to take care of them, To be with them, To have a good time with them? And it can be exhausting. And so we try and control the things that are in our power to control, Our locus of control, You know, But we can't just stop going to work because the people there might be a little bit draining. Or the things that we have to do, The TPS reports and everything in triplicate, And the emails, The reply to all that should not reply to all. Those things drain the life force out of us. They are necessary evils at this time, So we have to endure. So then we have to be conscious of what we're doing in those times where we do have more control and more power to adjust and determine who we're spending our time with, Who we're willing to give our energy to, Who is going to give energy to us and uplift us. And for us, You know, What we're always looking for, As we understand, You know, Everybody's going to go through ups and downs and we want to be there for our loved ones through everything. But ideally, We love to spend time with other people who are really giving that energy at the same time. Because then, To me, It becomes an amplification. If we're giving energy and they're giving energy, Everybody leaves at the end of the night and they feel like, I'm charged, I'm super charged. I feel like my cup is full and I really have something to keep going. And so we look for those opportunities and those things that recharge our batteries, The people, The activities, The things that recharge our batteries, Because we are constantly being depleted by life. And so, You know, I always try to encourage a certain skill or something that you can check in with. And one of the things that I found has really resonated with people, Insight Timer is kind of our home base. We both have a channel on Insight Timer. And one of the things that I find is really resonating with people right now is the question of trying to avoid the question of, Like, What the heck is wrong with me? Right. Like, I've got this social plan that I thought I really wanted to attend. But then, You know, As Jesse said, It kind of rolled around and there's a part of us that just feels like, You know, I'm not sure that I can do this. So instead of saying like, Like, What the heck is wrong with me, Trying to check in instead with what is my nervous system telling me? Is it telling me that I don't have enough energy? Is it telling me that I'm a little bit worried that maybe the social interaction is going to take more energy than it's going to give? You know, What is my nervous system trying to tell me? And like I said, I think what really has been helpful for us is doing those practices that help to settle our nervous system, Things like meditation, Gentle exercise, Any of those kinds of things, But just allowing ourselves to tune into curiosity versus judgment. Curiosity is one of the eight C's of IFS, And it's one of those things that can help us get connected again with self versus some of those protector parts. So starting with curiosity. What's my nervous system trying to tell me? And I want to give a special shout out to Jesse. He's got a great channel on Insight Timer and has meditations designed for both adults and for kids. Morning and evening meditations to help check in with yourself, To help, You know, Kind of settle that nervous system energy and get you either prepared for the day or to kind of close out the day. So those are really lovely practices that you might want to check out. And, Check out Carolyn's channel as well, If you're interested. Seeing this from my channel. So. . . To wrap up, Let's focus on being very curious, Being aware, Being present, And checking in and feeling what's going on. And paying attention to that and not ignoring it. We live in the most distracted time in human history. And we don't pay attention to our own selves, Our bodies, What they're telling us, Our psyche. Pay attention. Be curious. Try not to be annoyed. Try not to fight it. Just try to figure out what is going on. And then take the appropriate actions as you can to deal with those conditions and deal with what's actually going on inside of you. And protect your energy and conserve it and make sure that you're not depleting yourself too much. So as we say in the Navy, Fair winds and following seas. But that is often the easiest time to captain your own ship. So no matter what the weather, We hope that you approach your life with self-compassion and curiosity and a steady hand at the helm. Take care, And thanks so much for listening.