Welcome to Exile in Rising,
I'm Ana Majel and today I want to talk about something most people are never taught to do.
Assess.
If you have a caring heart,
You are allowed to ask whether the person you are giving it to has one too.
In this episode,
I speak about reciprocity,
Power,
And why noticing the absence of care is not cruelty,
But sovereignty.
Let's begin.
Let me start by saying something slowly.
You're allowed to assess.
You're allowed to compare what you have,
What values you carry,
With others.
If you have a caring heart,
You're allowed to look at the person you're giving to and ask yourself,
Do they have one too?
Do they have a caring heart,
As mine?
Not in theory,
Not in intention,
Not in words,
Not in one day,
I will,
But in action.
And you're allowed to ask yourself,
When was the last time I received the same care I offer?
Not promises,
Not apologies,
No justifications,
Not explanations.
Simple care.
When were you met with presence?
If you are giving your presence,
You are required for yourself to ask that question,
When was I met with presence from this person?
Because I'm giving my presence,
So when was I met with the presence by this person?
What about concern?
When was I met with concern?
When I was giving my concern to this person,
With effort,
When was I met with effort by this person?
Because I met this person with my effort.
Feel that,
Feel that and ask yourself,
When was I met with effort,
Without you having to ask,
Or to remind,
Or to soften,
Or to explain,
Or to endure,
Because no one asked you or reminded you,
Or softened,
Or explained,
Or endured to show up with your effort for them.
So,
This matters because many of us learn to give our kindness without even checking whether it's being returned,
It's just taken for granted,
It's implied,
Especially if you are a woman or if you are raised in patriarchal cultures.
In a system,
There is power over you,
And we were taught that assessing others is cruel.
Well,
Ask yourself why,
Why we are conditioned this way to think,
That we don't even have a right to compare and to assess other people's values,
What they give in relational field.
We were also taught that comparing is wrong,
That naming the absence of care is selfish or dangerous,
Or that we are needy,
Or that we want too much.
We know how that feels in relationships,
In intimacy,
And it's not,
It is discernment.
If you have a caring heart,
That's a big value.
It's a big value,
A real one,
And that value requires protection.
Your heart requires your protection,
And you are allowed to notice when the person in front of you does not offer what you offer.
That's the requirement.
You're allowed to say kindly,
Clearly,
Internally,
Or externally,
This person does not have the same capacities as I do.
This person does not have caring heart as I do.
This person is not showing up in presence as I do.
This person is not showing up with effort as I do.
Comparison is necessary in relationship,
Because if we don't have reciprocity,
That's not a relationship.
It's power over dynamic,
Or we get to be exhausted,
Used,
Or abused.
Also,
That other person,
That doesn't mean that other person is evil,
But it does make this exchange unequal,
Unfair for you,
Unjust for you,
And unequal exchanges drain you.
They leave you bitter.
They leave you unhappy.
It simply is not happy relationship,
Either with your partner,
Your friends,
Your family members,
In business,
And especially in the system of oppression.
This assessment can feel terrifying,
Because when someone holds power over you,
A boss,
A parent,
A partner,
A system,
You're not allowed to compare.
You're below,
And the system is above.
Oppression depends on that.
Tyranny depends on that.
Abuser feeds off that.
You are expected to give care upward to those above you,
Quote,
Unquote,
Without even asking whether it flows back.
You are expected to offer patience,
Loyalty,
Labor,
Cognitive capacities,
Emotional availability,
Finances,
And never ask,
What am I receiving?
What is my requirement in this relational field?
And then even if you ask,
You fear retaliation.
So this is what oppression does to us.
We feel rejection,
Punishment,
Or being cast out.
These are the big red flags.
If you feel that,
Dynamic you're in is not healthy.
It is abuse of power dynamic,
Power over you,
Or simply with people who are emotionally underdeveloped,
Where they're using your capacities,
But they simply don't want to do any work and move upwards and onwards in their own personal development.
And then you learn to silence your own perception.
But your body knows.
You cannot deceive your body.
One of the big signs I can see with my clients in my practice,
As you know,
I am somatic experiencing therapist for PTSD and trauma recovery.
I run Somatic Trauma Recovery Center.
First sign what I can see is resentment and then bitterness.
Then exhaustion shows.
Grief shows.
Resentment,
Bitterness are first ones.
And having a caring heart does not obligate you to give it to someone who does not have one.
Let me repeat this.
Having a caring heart does not obligate you to give it to someone who does not have one,
Or who does have one,
But it's never acting on it.
That's very emotionally immature heart.
It can be caring,
But it's so immature because that heart is never acting on it.
It's not standing up for your needs through the effort,
Through holding space,
Through listening,
Through using cognitive capacities,
Unless it's told to do.
And that's not same.
So your generosity,
Kindness,
Without reciprocity becomes self erasure.
And noticing that,
Naming it is not cruelty.
It does not mean you are selfish.
We are taught and we are conditioned to think that we are selfish and cruel so we can keep giving and giving.
Think about your mothers,
About your grandmothers,
And who benefited from that.
So naming that and requesting reciprocity and compare,
Compare yourself,
Compare your values,
What you have with what other person is giving back to you is maturity.
It's sovereignty.
And it is you finally turning toward the value that has always lived inside you and deciding to protect it,
To honor it,
To deeply value it,
And to give to others who can appreciate,
Honor,
And value your values and what you give to them.
Please take a moment as I close today episode.
Be with this.
Make assessment,
Compare,
Make a list in what ways you showed up for someone.
Name that person.
It has a first and last name.
And then make a list in what ways that person showed up for you.
It's okay to compare.
It is okay to assess.
And it's okay to require reciprocity in relationship.
I'm Anna Mael.
This is Excel & Rising.
And until next time,
Much care,
Much care.
