The Truth About Feminine Energy And Dating After 40: Ep 6

Welcome to part two of this juicy three-part series on The Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys Podcast where Truly Eleanor is diving deep (and yes, it’s getting a little controversial!) into some of the worst dating advice floating around for women over 40. She's taking on the concept of "divine feminine energy" and why this advice, while alluring, might be the very thing holding you back.

In this episode, she'll share some personal stories and insights from my journey—not just as someone who has navigated this advice herself but as a spiritual teacher who’s worked in the energy healing world for decades.

She totally gets why “finding your divine feminine” sounds like a magic solution to all our dating woes. We’ll talk about why it feels so shiny and seductive, especially if you've been told that embracing a “feminine” energy is the key to finally meeting your soulmate.

Transcript

If you've ever been really confused by all the dating advice out there and whether it will actually help you or not,

In this episode part 2 of 3,

Which is going to be a little controversial,

I'll talk about the worst dating advice for women over 40 and why it's the worst advice,

Plus what to do instead.

So let's get started.

Welcome to the Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys podcast where I teach single women over 40 the fastest path to find Mr.

Right so you can stop wasting time on Emotionally Unavailable Guys.

I'm your host Truly Eleanor and I'm here to give you the tools to find the love you desire.

After years of coaching women worldwide and breaking my own patterns to find Mr.

Right in my 40s,

I know love is closer than you think.

Let's get started.

Welcome to Juicy part 2 of this three-part series on the worst dating advice for women over 40.

I'm really excited about this one because as I said in the intro it's gonna be a little controversial but things need to be said.

It's about time we talked about some real stuff here.

So just as a background I am a spiritual teacher.

So I've been a Reiki teacher since 2008 and I've been in the spiritual and personal development world for many decades.

I've done my own personal work on this,

My own energy healing on myself,

Working with clients and I was raised in a family where my parents were became Buddhists in the 70s and so I've literally seen and heard it all.

When I tell you these things and you know my opinion on this it's going to be based on personal lived experience.

What I have seen with my own eyes and experienced working with clients.

The advice that I want to say is the worst dating advice is this current wisdom of you know get into your divine feminine to attract your soulmate.

The current wisdom about this from spiritual teachers and other love coaches is if you're not attracting your soulmate or the love of your life if you're having difficulty with that it's because you're not in your divine feminine or you have a divine feminine wound or block or you have too much divine masculine energy and you're repelling the right guy.

Alright so let's break this down because I understand as I said personally the allure of this one.

This one is so shiny and alluring.

I want to tell you my story about being feminine.

When I was in high school all of my best friends were absolutely beautiful like models and drop-dead gorgeous.

I really don't know how I became friends with them that's a longer story.

And now I'm not saying I'm not attractive I was considered attractive I was told I was beautiful all of these things I'm not saying I was unattractive.

In comparison with my friends being you know looking like models I always felt very unattractive and very not feminine shall we say so I kind of started off my foot on that where going to places with my friends was always like you know everyone would fall all over them and be like oh my god I want to date you I want to be your friend everything was happening with them and then there was me and a couple of other friends who were beautiful as well but just not at that level and so we would kind of be in the background and if some guy was not able to be with my friends then we would be like second third choices for that.

So that's kind of the way my high school went and I carried that you know there's a lot of other backstory stuff from my childhood but I carried that into my dating life and always having a feeling of not really being that attractive or in comparison to other women I was kind of like in the middle range and I had to kind of take what I could get and at the same time I didn't feel feminine because I felt like my friends had this secret they had this way of flirting this way of being ultra feminine and just batting their eyelashes and all of these things that that sounds so cheesy but it was true I was watching it with my own eyes and seeing how it worked so well because guys would just be falling all over them and so in terms of being feminine I always felt like I was extremely awkward I was shy I had low self-esteem I couldn't really be confident enough to flirt I didn't even know what flirting and I you know continued on this story about how I was not feminine enough I couldn't flirt and that was the reason I was having so much trouble finding a decent guy or being in a healthy relationship because I didn't know how to flirt I didn't know how to you know get the top ranking guys or whatever was in my mind that I felt that I needed to get so that my self-esteem could go up to you know the proper notch or whatever it was I had in my head and so I always felt really unfeminine or whatever word you want to use for that also in my family the women are very strong and very you know leaning more towards masculine in terms of being very resilient strong immigrants coming from another country and immigrating to Canada and just having this very tough exterior and not being feminine not being soft not being in their heart and so that those were the role models of the women in my family so you can see how with all that combined I really really longed to be feminine I long to be soft I long to be able to flirt and just be like you know winking and have it look natural I'll give you a an example of me being trying to flirt when I was in I don't know grade five and we would gone to the movies I went with my friend and I saw a guy that I really liked and my friend was like go talk to him and so I had zero confidence and I just pretty much had a panic attack wrote a note with my name and my phone number on it or said I like you or hi or whatever folded up the note walked up to him tapped him on the shoulder gave him the note and ran away and I ran for like three blocks without stopping and went to hide and I don't even know if he called me he might have called me which is pretty much a miracle but that was my flirting and that was me being feminine and trying my best so I felt extremely awkward as you can imagine and I also had acne and just really felt ugly in a lot of ways and so this allure of being in your divine feminine or you know if you can actually get this right if you can get in your feminine your divine feminine then you've got it made you're just men will be falling all over you and you'll just be the queen of sexy alluring whatever so that's my background and that's how I understand how attractive it is to have someone tell you I can show you how to be in your divine feminine and all your worldly problems will be solved I want to talk about what this is actually about what this dating advice is really about underneath it's saying and I don't know if it's intentional or not it probably isn't but there's a lot of toxic spiritual spirituality out there that it's really saying that you're not good enough the way you are it's saying oh you better wear more dresses or get into this energy or speak more softly or pull back so you can be alluring or doing all kinds of rituals to get into your divine feminine and you end up getting the message I'm not whole my feminine energy is broken there's something wrong with you there's something wrong with me how you're showing up and what you're doing currently is not good enough and it's not going to get you love that's really the message that is the most damaging it's saying hey if you can't figure this out which should be so natural for you because you are female and that's another thing it's like this divine feminine has nothing to do with being female so there's this this whole mix-up in that as well but saying hey if you can't get there if you can't get to this then I really don't know what you're gonna do because you're SOL so the only way to find love is to be more feminine and if I get enthusiastic or show too much interest or I'm being awkward or just showing up as just my messy self then this guy or this wonderful man is going to be put off by my aggressive masculinity or my too much this or not enough that and it's also saying your energy is off-putting and repulsive in some way so I remember trying to do this and trying to be in my divine feminine doing all of these kind of things and feeling so unnatural about it feeling so unworthy and so awkward and so not me and then underneath that being like well I'm not worth it I'm not good enough as I am so I better keep trying to do this so of course you know how this is going to affect your dating life is your confidence is going to be in the toilet there's going to be a huge amount of shame about who you are I just connect to that feeling of just being repulsed by myself like I'm so disgusting because I'm not feminine and I'm a female and what's wrong with me but you can become obsessed as I was with being more feminine and you start acting and showing up inauthentically doing things that feel out of character and they're embarrassing for example you buy heels and a dress and go on a date and you're feeling super self-conscious because that's really not you and you're missing all the cues from the guy because you're pulling on your dress the whole time and worrying you know am I too slutty in this dress am I giving off the wrong signals is he picking up on the fact that I feel so weird in this dress and like spoiler alert yes he's picking up on something and the something is that you are feeling so uncomfortable in your skin there's the other side of this too it's like that fear of being too attractive so sometimes there's that fear of like well if I dial it up if I turn it on if I'm like shine shine shine and I'm like super attractive ultra attractive and feminine is that gonna be too much you know and what if I don't like the guy and then I'll have to reject him and he just falls in love with me and I'll have to let him down easy and I'll get all entangled with him this is something that's it sounds silly but it's an actual real thing where I've worked with clients and you know the women have said I'm afraid that someone's gonna like me and I'm going to have to turn them down so that's actually a real thing like a real problem that you can get stuck in and I actually had a friend who was very alluring and all of these things and she was constantly having to reject these guys and she didn't like them and it was almost like the opposite problem so that is something that can actually happen and affect your dating life is like all these fears come up the feeling of not being yourself not being authentic feeling uncomfortable so the consequences of taking this advice you're gonna get frustrated obviously and start to give up because you don't feel any meaningful connections with anyone you meet you'll feel disconnected and bummed that you can't meet anyone you feel comfortable with maybe you'll go on multiple dates with someone you don't even like because they're attracted to you and they're just like wow you are so amazing and attractive and they're all over you but you're not interested in them and it's not even the real you also another thing is you can internalize the belief that there are no good matches out there and start to lose hope and become like a hermit staying at home and living in the status quo I spent 10 years single and I was living at home with my cat nothing against my cat I loved my cat to death but I was living a very isolated life because I was terrified of all these things like oh my god I'm not feminine enough or what if I turn on the femininity and I can't turn it off and it's too much how am I gonna handle that how am I gonna talk to someone how am I going to express my needs and be honest with people that's really the fear underneath all of that what if I do attract this guy and then I have to show up and communicate my needs oh my god it's like that all of these fears start to develop because of trying to manufacture this so-called divine femininity and I'll tell you what I really think about it the truth from all of my years of learning how to be a Reiki teacher which work you work with energy you work with chakras we talk about and we learn how to connect to our own energy our true self the truth is you are whole okay you're always a mix of feminine and masculine energy the yin and the yang it is literally impossible to be without one or the other because you're whole it's energetically and impossible law of the universe we're talking about here yes you may have wounds from the past but those wounds can be healed with support and no they don't stop you from finding a supportive loving guy who's going to show up fully with you where you can grow and thrive together and you can become your full potential if that's what you want if you're into personal development and by the way I'm not knocking it I absolutely love spiritual and personal development that's what I'm all about all of this dating advice is really to help you to connect to your true self and find that connection in another person so I'm here to tell you you are not broken you're not half of a whole you're not part masculine too much this and that there's no way to measure that that's what I came to the conclusion of like anyone who's telling you that your divine feminine is you know suppressed and your masculine is too forward and you have too much of this and that there is no way to tell that or measure that you're always a whole person you're a whole energetic being whatever you believe here to live your life as a person in this body in this physical world you're here to live as you are which is whole whole whole whole and complete maybe you just have some fears about connecting with people you've got some limiting beliefs that I've talked about but you are not missing a whole section of energy like imagine trying to cut out a section of energy like it's impossible and the other thing the truth you know truth bomb number two you're most attractive when you are fully present when you're in your body and you're being your true self and that is a process that you learn in a process that I teach so there's no divine masculine feminine whatever it's all in there it's all mixed in and this is about you being fully present and in your body and being yourself authentic okay think about somebody who I can think of many examples right now in my life where someone has walked into a room and they look just completely normal so for example I met a spiritual mentor and he's a First Nations elder worked with a lot of First Nations in Canada the aboriginal people with elders and he'd walked into the youth center where I was working and he was just literally this ray of sunshine beaming out of him he was in a t-shirt and jeans and he walked in and he's like hey how are you and I'm like oh my god I just wanted to hug him I wanted to be around him I wanted to bask in his sunshine I was like oh I love this person I don't even know him and you know why that was so attractive he was just being so authentic and so present like he was just there in the moment in his body and he was fully showing up and that is hands down far and above the most attractive and magnetic you will ever be in your life and I can guarantee that 100% so think about someone right now that you've met where you're just like I just don't know what it is about them they are so amazing so attractive I just want to be around them all the time and then ask yourself why were they being divine feminine were they being divine masculine I doubt it they were being themselves they were being fully present okay so the other the good news is you don't have to feel like oh no I'm never gonna be able to be myself like that's that's also not possible you can't not be yourself it's just a process of how to show up and like how to be in your body how to be in your heart how to listen to your intuition all of these things that I teach that is possible doable there's nothing missing you're not like a deficit you're not like oh no I don't have this or that I'm never gonna be able to be myself that's not a thing okay so that's the good news and I hope I have changed your mind or changed your beliefs around the divine feminine and you can think about what to do instead is going through the process of how am I going to show up as myself how am I going to be authentic how am I gonna really connect to my deep self my authentic heart and share that with others okay and it comes through a process that I teach in my pinch me love course this is what it's all about we start with the awareness seeing what is going on how you're showing up what you're choosing the padding patterns that are playing out in your life becoming fully aware of that is stage one and stage two we move into a lot of the healing the acceptance loving yourself through the sabotage loving yourself through those limiting beliefs loving yourself through for example what I was saying how I didn't feel feminine and I didn't feel worthy and loving yourself through that and then starting to make choices that are good for you and in line with your heart in line with your desires loving yourself through learning to show up differently and you know knowing that outside influences have swayed you and you know accepting that that has been the pattern you've been in and it's okay it's okay up till now that's totally fine and it's perfectly reasonable that you were living your life like that and that you weren't grounded in what you truly desire so this is where you start to make that transition and that transformation and then the last part is moving into deep connection so connecting to your true self starting to show up practical exercises of how you can do that and working through the biggest hurdles which I've seen over the years working with women as trust issues working with that and moving from having no trust in yourself to starting to trust your intuition try starting to trust your and following your heart's desires the issues around expressing authentically so what I was talking about earlier expressing your needs to yourself first and then to others and learning that as a practice getting through self-criticism in love a lot of women I work with are very very constantly beating themselves up for falling short or for yet another this or that thing that they're feel that it is a deficit to them so loving themselves and working through that and recognizing it when it shows up and the last part is perfectionism in love so I became obsessed like I was saying obsessed with being feminine and the divine feminine obsessed with being perfect what I felt was perfect what I felt somebody else would think is perfect but not my own perfect whole self which is you know if you want to talk about divine divinely perfect which is imperfect and messy and showing up showing up with an open heart despite what you've been through showing up with an open heart despite what other people are saying like oh you can't find love after 40 or it's impossible on these dating apps and saying you know that's your opinion and I'm I choose to show up continuously with an open heart knowing that I can find the right person for me the more I do that so a couple of last pointers before I end you might feel you might be telling yourself like oh this type of support won't help me it's fine for other people and she's fine she did it but I can't do it you know but I'm here to tell you that my techniques which I call the let love in technique and my course pinch me love that I'll be teaching these things inside the course works for other women like you so it's not just me I didn't just by the luck of the draw suddenly transform I was intentional around this and that's why I'm passing it on to other women and showing them how to do it it's basically getting a toolbox that you can use for life and continuously use time and time again so it's a process and I just want you to know with all the love in my heart you are not so unique with your patterns and problems that nothing will work for you that's one of the things that I used to think like I have such a unique set of personality flaws and such a terrible level of you know deficits that this would never work for me and that's just a belief that is holding you back from getting the help you need and I also know that you can do the self-study work and inner work on your own but at a certain point in order to change you need to heal in community and that's another huge life lesson I learned you need to let others see you and help you and share your struggles I try to keep everything inside I've just like I said I spent 10 years in my apartment with my cat doing my journaling and my chakra healing and everything which is wonderful there's there's a there's a place for being very self-reflective but you need to balance that out with getting out and sharing and sharing in a way that feels safe obviously not just over sharing but as you grow to trust someone like me or a program or finding a community you start to share your experiences and struggles so that you can finally transform that last piece is communicating communicating your needs communicating your wounds talking about what you've been through that's what's gonna move the needle forward for you so I got tired of solving all my dating problems on my own in secret and that's just the pain and the loneliness and the shame that was talking for me you don't have to keep going through this and trying to solve these things on your own in other words you can go only so far by listening to this podcast or even taking my self-study detox challenge then you'll be spinning your wheels and going back to the patterns of self-sabotage and picking them up again until you get help and accountability to make the new choices and show up differently in my course it's a community where you can share in the forum and show up for the coaching calls for accountability I know how hard it is to start a new habit on your own it takes years that way we don't have time for that at this point you know you're in your 40s I under I got to that point where I was like I just don't have these years and years and decades to work through this I want to find someone now I'm ready for this relationship even though maybe I don't feel ready I'm ready to make a change and I'm ready to start showing up and having different things and creating new experiences in my life when it comes to relationships I want you to have that feeling of butterflies of someone knowing how sweet and amazing they are and how they're supporting you and they're in your corner and they're there for you I and I know it's possible I know it's possible that's why I always say at the end of every episode love is closer than you think because I'm trying to remind you that despite all these fears limiting beliefs and everything it is possible and I know it is and I've seen it and I've experienced it so I'm going to put the link to my course in the show notes and if you want to check out my program please do so in the meantime I'll leave you with this my favorite saying remember love is closer than you think and next week I'll be doing the last part of this series of the worst dating advice for women over 40 you won't want to miss it thanks for listening