Breaking Free From Manipulative Dating Advice: Episode 5

This is the first episode in a three-part series where I’m diving into the worst dating advice out there for women over 40—yes, we’re going there! Today, we're peeling back the layers on some of the most misguided advice that's circulating around, why it's so damaging, and what to do instead. Spoiler: this advice isn't just ineffective; it actually pulls us away from genuine connection.

Transcript

If you've ever been really confused by all the dating advice out there and whether it will actually help or not,

In this episode,

Part one of three,

I'll talk about the worst dating advice for women over 40 and why it's the worst advice plus what to do instead.

Let's get started.

Welcome to the Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys podcast,

Where I teach single women over 40 the fastest path to find Mr.

Right,

So you can stop wasting time on emotionally unavailable guys.

I'm your host,

Truly Eleanor,

And I'm here to give you the tools to find the love you desire.

After years of coaching women worldwide and breaking my own patterns to find Mr.

Right in my 40s,

I know love is closer than you think.

Let's get started.

Welcome.

I'm so excited you're here.

Today is a very important topic,

And I'm actually doing three parts on it,

And it's the worst dating advice for women over 40.

We're going to break down each piece of dating advice and why it's the worst advice and what to do instead.

So let's get into this.

The first thing that I've seen out on the interwebs or in books or whatever it is,

Is this idea and concept of using complicated,

Inauthentic phrases or scripts to,

Quote,

Keep a guy's interest.

For example,

The top phrases that will instantly keep a man's interest,

Or what to text a guy so that he'll never leave you,

How to get your man to stay,

Follow this script,

Say these magic words in this order at this exact time in the dating phase.

These are things you should never ever say to someone you want to stick around.

I like you.

I want this to go further.

I can see a future with you.

I'm falling for you.

These are all really bad things to follow,

And I'm going to talk about exactly why,

But even the more subtle version is insidious.

Like,

Be sure,

Very sure before you speak,

Spend time reflecting and journaling and preparing ad nauseum,

Because you should never really speak your mind.

So I would say the opposite of that is true,

Because sometimes things just need to come out and you need to be open to spontaneity,

Even if it feels really weird.

The reason I'm bringing this up is what this dating advice is really about.

It might be phrased as seduction or the art of seduction or the art of flirting or whatever word they use,

But really it's about how to control,

Direct,

Engineer,

Exploit,

Manipulate,

Maneuver,

Maneuver,

Control others into getting what you want.

But the funny thing is,

It's not what you really want.

This is about advice that teaches you to be ashamed and terrified of your own voice,

Your own authentic expression.

It shows you to avoid letting the words and feelings tumble out that are on your heart,

To not be real.

And that's what this dating advice is really about.

If you've ever been made wrong,

This is probably a hook you're stuck on.

And I for one was really stuck on this and I had tons of self-doubt.

My mind was always spinning around in things like,

Oh,

What should I say?

You know,

What will he think if I say this?

What tone should I use when I bring up this topic?

Oh,

This isn't the right time.

He's upset,

Or we're busy,

Or we need to be in the perfect time or the perfect place for me to bring this up,

Which of course never happens.

And the consequences of taking this advice is what I call verbal constipation.

You have this stuck expression you're putting on a front.

You're never connecting to someone on a deep authentic level.

You're not feeling that sense of connection you're looking for.

And that's what a lot of women I've worked with over the years have said to me.

They're like,

I just don't feel that connection.

I don't feel that deep heart to heart pull that I'm looking for.

And this is one of the reasons why,

Because you're holding back and you're putting forward a false or a persona that is not really truly authentically you.

So of course,

The consequences are going to be you'll attract someone that is not compatible to you.

They're not going to be interested in you because they're going to sense underneath it all that you're not being real.

Of course,

There's other reasons why someone says they're not interested.

There's a whole host of reasons.

But I'm talking about this specific reason.

If you feel like this is happening to you over and over again,

And this is one of my patterns in the past as well,

Is I put forward what I thought I should say or who I thought I should be because I really wasn't clear on who I was as a person.

I wasn't clear on who my true self was at the time.

So I put forward,

Well,

This is who I think I should be.

This is who I think he will like.

This is this type of guy.

So therefore,

He'll be interested in this type of woman.

And it was always very calculated,

Very inauthentic.

And so you can imagine the kinds of connections I had were not real connections.

And I ended up having to chase after something that wasn't even real.

Something that neither of us wanted.

And yet,

At the time,

I convinced myself that this was worth it.

Oh,

This,

You know,

This is the man of my dreams.

And he just doesn't realize it yet.

You know,

He's running in the other direction.

Meanwhile,

Mr.

Wright doesn't run.

But of course,

I didn't know that at the time.

And you keep chasing because you're like,

Well,

I've started this.

I've put it in motion.

This is what other people are telling me to do.

This is what these books and blogs and courses and people are saying,

That I need to say these things and be this way and act this way and show up whatever way.

It's not me.

But I don't really know what to do.

So I'm going to follow this advice.

And so either way,

You end up with no connection or potential.

Maybe you've tried to jerryrig some kind of connection or force it to happen,

Which is just feels awful.

It feels,

You know,

Your self-esteem goes down the toilet for one thing.

It's confusing.

And the person is not all in,

Their heart is not in it.

And so do you really want to force someone into something that they don't really want?

And I will ask you this.

If you were to be real with yourself,

If you were to be honest right now,

Do you really want it either?

And usually the answer is no,

I don't really want this.

This person is not really for me.

And so the consequences of this kind of following this kind of advice is runs very deep.

I want to now go into the limiting beliefs that,

You know,

May cause you to want to do something like this and to follow this worst dating advice.

The number one thing is fear.

Fear of showing up as yourself.

And again,

If you've been made wrong or depending on the way you were raised,

You may be terrified to be yourself.

I can't show up fully.

That's too scary.

So a pseudo connection is better than nothing.

The second type of limiting belief that can cause people to follow this advice,

I'm too much.

I'll be rejected for the real me.

So I'll put up a persona of myself and try to make it work because that's,

Again,

Better than nothing.

A lot of women I've worked with have felt that they are too much,

That their needs and wants and desires are just over the top.

And I will say that that's just based on the beliefs or what they've been told about themselves.

It's an identity that they've taken on that they're too much.

It's not true.

Their needs and wants and desires are perfectly normal,

But they have been told that that's too much or whatever it is.

And so I think,

Oh no,

I can't be,

I can't fully open up to what I need or what I want.

So I'm going to just follow this script or,

You know,

This,

These phrases and it'll be easier that way.

The third limiting belief,

Which is probably the most devastating one,

Is women thinking the right person for me doesn't exist.

The right person isn't out there for me.

And this is more common than you may think.

I have heard this a lot over the years as a coach,

A love coach,

And I personally did feel this way at some point.

I was like,

Well,

There is no one out there for me who's really going to show up with me and to give me the life I want and to connect with me in the way that I want it to happen.

It just doesn't exist.

And of course,

You can see how devastating that belief is because it's all-encompassing.

And if you believe that,

If you say to yourself,

Oh,

Since real love is for other people,

It's not for me,

I'll just make it work with whoever comes my way.

And so you can be very susceptible to this kind of advice if you're believing these limiting beliefs.

What it comes down to is really forcing a connection where there isn't one,

I.

E.

Chasing after love.

Anytime we're chasing after someone who's unavailable or chasing after love,

It's because we think that we can force the connection.

Oh,

If only he could see.

If I could just make him see it in this certain way or come around or whatever it is,

He'll see that this is perfect for us.

But then when you really sit down and feel into it,

You don't want it and neither does he.

And so it's a futile chase.

The turnaround starts with making a decision to show up authentically and to go after what you truly want.

In other words,

If you're asking,

Well,

You know,

How can I stop doing this?

That is the starting point.

You're making a decision.

I'm not going to do that anymore.

I'm going to start the process,

The baby steps of showing up authentically.

And I'm going to really spend time tuning into my heart to ask myself what I truly want.

And I'm going to start to share that with people that I trust or that I feel there is a connection of some kind.

There is a potential of some kind.

And I will start to slowly share my true authentic self with them in a way that is natural and unfolds spontaneously.

And the way to do that is to connect with your heart on a regular basis as a daily practice.

Write out some scenarios of the relationship that you want.

How do you want to spend your time with them?

Do you want to have breakfast every morning,

Dinner every night?

Do you want to have alone time and then together time?

Do you want to go on big adventures or do you want to have a quiet,

Peaceful,

Contented life with them?

These are all very important questions.

And often we don't go to these spaces because we think we want a list of,

You know,

Height and hair color and job status and all those things which are important.

But the most important thing is how you're going to live your life with this person.

That's true compatibility and how you want to feel around this person.

So part two of turning this around is to get connected to the feelings that you want to feel when you're with this person.

For example,

Supported,

Connected,

Loved,

Appreciated,

Respected,

Adored,

Whatever it is.

Write these things out so you have a clear idea of what your heart is saying that you want.

So start the process of being authentic and you won't have to follow the worst standing advice.

You'll be making real honest connections with people who have actual potential.

So going over this again,

First part is we talked about what is the worst standing advice.

So it's using complicated,

Inauthentic phrases or scripts to keep a guy's interest.

So,

You know,

These are the top phrases to,

These are the magic words to say,

And this is the script I'm going to follow to keep a man.

And the subtle version of that is when you're being told,

Well,

Be very,

Very sure before you speak,

Uh,

You know,

Hold back a little bit.

Don't really be completely honest with how you feel in case it's too soon or you don't want to jump the gun.

You don't want to seem needy.

So that's the insidious,

More subtle version of that kind of advice.

And what this dating advice is really about is it's,

You know,

Touted as seduction and flirting,

But really it's manipulation,

It's control,

It's being inauthentic and we need to be able to face what we're actually doing without judgment.

And that's what I teach women in my courses and in my coaching is how to be okay with the decisions we've made,

How we've shown up.

It's okay to,

To be aware and then accepting of how we have been up until this point and then making a new decision.

And so the consequences of taking this kind of advice is again,

Stuck expression.

You're putting on a front,

You're not being authentic,

You're not feeling a sense of connection and you're not connecting with anyone in a potential in a way that it has actual potential.

You're connecting with people who are not compatible with you,

Who do not feel that connection and you do not feel the connection with them because you're not showing up in a certain way.

And for whatever reason,

The other person isn't showing up either.

And then we've got our limiting beliefs that can cause,

You know,

This dating advice to seem appealing.

And that is the fear of showing up authentically,

The fear of showing up fully,

The feeling of I'm too much,

I'm going to be rejected for the real me.

So I'd rather put on a persona and try to make it work.

And the right person just isn't out there for me.

Since real love is for other people,

I'll just make it work with whoever comes my way.

And the theme for all these limiting beliefs is forcing a connection when there isn't one.

Chasing after love,

Which leads nowhere.

So the turnaround again is making a decision to show up authentically,

Connecting with your heart and writing out your scenarios and feelings of the relationship that you truly want.

And starting that process of being authentic and moving towards those honest,

Real connections.

And you won't have to follow this kind of advice anymore.

Next week,

I'll be doing part two of the worst dating advice for women over 40,

And you don't want to miss it.

Remember,

Love is closer than you think.