It is the anniversary of the passing of my dad.
My dad,
The man I admired.
The man I could talk to without him judging me.
The man I know loved me unconditionally.
I miss him every day and the pain I feel today is no less painful than the day he died.
So how do I deal with each anniversary?
Hello,
My name is Jacqueline and welcome to my Tranquil Spirits podcast.
Dealing with the up and down emotions we experience after someone has died is one thing but dealing with the yearly event of the day they passed can bring so many unwanted memories to the forefront of our mind many of which can make this anniversary harder for some of us to navigate.
I know for me,
I remember the day my dad passed so well.
The conversations we had,
The way we laughed and cried together.
How I helped my dad for what became the last time with his personal care.
Things repeatedly go round in my head.
Could I have done something different?
Did I say all I needed to say?
Should I have asked more questions when the doctor came?
I repeat these questions yearly but all I am doing is tormenting myself because I cannot change what happened and no amount of sadness or frustration will bring my dad back.
So I needed to find another way to help me get through that day.
We are all aware of this particular anniversary approaching and thinking we will just ignore it and continue with a normal daily routine rarely is a helpful decision.
So being prepared is,
I feel,
A much more positive way of dealing with the day.
Here are some of my suggestions which help me and have helped many others and preparing a few days ahead of time really helps to make the day pass smoothly.
My first suggestion is to plan to do something your loved one used to enjoy such as visiting a garden centre for tea and cake,
Going to the beach for fish and chips and an ice cream or visiting a museum or historical building.
These all make for a great day out and really does take your mind off any negative thinking you may have associated with the day.
Another great thing to do,
Which would need a longer time to organise,
Is to arrange to do something to raise money for charity on the anniversary day such as doing a 10 mile walk,
Having a tea and cake afternoon where neighbours and friends make and donate cakes,
Running a marathon,
Climbing a mountain or even skydiving.
Then donate the money raised to your loved one's favourite charity.
Many people I know do something like this every year and find the preparation needed before the event really does give them something to focus on followed by a great sense of achievement afterwards.
Planting a tree or some new plants or bulbs is also a comforting thing to do and for added comfort maybe invite family and friends round to help you followed by tea and cakes or drinks and nibbles.
Depending on what you plant the end result gives weeks,
Months or even years of joy and can certainly become a yearly event which creates a great way of coming together to remember your loved one with the family and quite possibly people you only ever normally see at weddings or funerals.
But not everyone wants to be with others on this particular day or you may not have family and friends around you.
So if you would rather be alone but are aware you will feel sad and lonely plan to do something for yourself such as enjoying a spa day,
Going to the cinema,
Taking a walk to the woods or beach with a picnic,
Visiting an unfamiliar shopping centre or booking into a hotel for the night.
It's not that we want to forget our loved ones completely on the anniversary.
It's about doing something which gently stops us from becoming too sad for most of the day.
After all,
Our loved one wouldn't want us to be sad every time we remember them and especially not on the day of their passing.
When a dear friend of mine's husband passed she decided on every anniversary to set the table with a place laid for her husband as if he would join her.
Her children always join her for dinner on this day and they place a photo of their dad on the placemat whilst their mum cooks their dad's favourite meal and then whilst eating they reminisce about all the fun times they experienced together.
This might sound strange to some people but this family find comfort in this and many happy memories bring much laughter around the table exactly as it had been when he was alive.
We are all different and grieving is personal to each one of us the same as the way we choose to spend this anniversary.
Some people book holidays around the anniversary so that they are away and occupied so as not to think about it too much.
Some people buy fresh flowers and then choose to stay home lighting a candle and spending the time quietly but contentedly reminiscing.
Other people decide to do something they have never done before just to put their thoughts and mind onto something different.
There are no right or wrong ways but acknowledging the day in a way that brings some comfort to you is most important here.
It is a sad day but your loved one wouldn't want you to be sad.
Use this day as a day to do something special for your loved one as you remember them.
And my final tip is at the end of the day take a photograph of your loved one and whilst holding it in your hands look straight into their eyes and have that conversation you so deeply long for.
You'll be amazed how connected you can feel to them by doing this.
It can almost feel as if they are answering you as different thoughts and things you wouldn't even have thought about come floating into your mind.
This is one of the ways they can communicate with you.
At times we can feel sad that nobody else seems to remember this anniversary but others have their own lives to live and their own loved ones to grieve.
It doesn't mean they don't care.
Sometimes others are often too shy to bring your loved one into a conversation as they don't want to upset you.
But if you invite them round for a small gathering to talk and chat together many will be willing and happy to do this.
Take control of the day before it arrives.
Don't wait for others to be there for you.
That will make you even more sad when nobody seems to remember.
Know you may feel sad and know that that is OK.
Be one step ahead by planning a special day to remember your loved one in a way that feels right for you.
A way that you know will make your loved one smile.
A way to help the anniversary feel important rather than becoming a day of sadness.
Whatever way you choose make it your way.
I hope these tips have been or will be helpful in some way for you.
I'd be very interested to learn how you spend the anniversary of the passing of your loved one.
Please feel free to share your ideas with me.
Thank you for joining me.
Sending warm hugs as always.
See you soon on my next Tranquil Spirits podcast.
Bye for now.
