Today I'm going to share three things I used to believe about love.
Before learning about attachment theory that were actually keeping me stuck in unhealthy patterns.
And if you believe any of these,
This might be part of why your relationships feel so hard.
The first belief I had is all over the internet and I'm guilty of saying it many times to myself in the past.
It is the belief that if they wanted to,
They would.
I believe that if someone really cared they would just show up.
Consistently.
No excuses.
But what I've learned is that people don't just act based on desire.
They act based on their capacity.
Their nervous system,
And their learned patterns.
So someone can care deeply about you.
And still struggle to show up.
Especially if they're avoidant.
Overwhelmed or dysregulated.
It's not always a lack of love.
Sometimes it's a lack of capacity.
But remember,
That doesn't mean you tolerate it,
But it will help you stop personalizing everything.
And this will have a significant impact on your healing.
The next belief I used to have about love is that they call it a breakup because it's broken.
So if a relationship ended,
It meant it wasn't right or it wasn't meant to be.
But now I understand that a lot of relationships don't end because they're broken.
They end because people don't have the tools.
They don't know how to communicate.
They don't know how to repair.
And they get stuck in unhealthy patterns.
Two people can deeply care about each other and still not know how to make it work.
Love isn't enough without emotional skills.
But luckily these skills can be learned and repair can not only happen,
It can elevate your relationship.
Finally,
This last one may be a little scandalous to a few hopeless romantics out there.
I used to believe in love at first sight.
I used to think that instant intense connection meant it was real love.
Now I know intensity is not the same as safety.
That spark can actually be familiar wounds.
Or it may be your nervous system activating,
Or it may be the chemistry with an anxious.
.
.
Attachment style has.
With a person with an avoidant attachment style.
Your body can feel drawn to someone who feels familiar.
Not someone who is actually healthy.
Chemistry can be a trauma response,
Not a love story.
And that spark,
Sometimes it's not a spark.
Sometimes it's a stress response in a cute outfit.
What I've learned is that love isn't just about feelings.
It's about patterns,
Regulation,
And emotional safety.
And once you understand that,
You stop chasing intensity and start choosing stability.
We've romanticized behaviors that actually come from insecurity.
Confusion is not a sign of love.
It's a sign of dysregulation.
Healthy love feels a lot calmer than we were taught to expect.
But calm doesn't mean effortless.
It still takes intention,
Communication,
And two people who are both invested in changing and growing.
So tell me.
Did this video change your belief on any of these?
Because once you see these patterns,
You can't unsee them.
And then you can make changes to stop repeating them.
