Loving-Kindness Meditation

Venerable Sangye Khadro leads a meditation on how to cultivate a sense of loving-kindness towards all beings. We begin by doing this towards ourselves and as the mind gains familiarity with the feeling of love, we can then expand it to more beings.

Transcript

I'll give a little bit of explanation first about what loving-kindness is and what we'll be doing in the meditation, And then we'll go into the meditation itself. So in all traditions of Buddhism, Loving-kindness is very, Very important. The Buddha put a lot of emphasis on his followers having this attitude of loving-kindness. The Pali term is metta and Sanskrit is metri, And it's explained as wishing happiness for others, Wishing others to have happiness, Although we also need to include ourselves because we too are a person, A being, And it seems that in the Tibetan tradition people didn't have the habit of hating themselves. So when the Dalai Lama first heard about this when having discussion with Western people, He was really surprised. You mean there's people who hate themselves? So it doesn't seem to happen in Tibetan culture, But now he and also many other Tibetan lamas have learned that there are many people in the West, But other countries as well. There's probably people all around the world who have an attitude of hatred, Animosity towards themselves, And so they've realized that when we do meditation on loving-kindness, We need to include ourselves and not just everybody else. So it's actually a state of mind we already have. It's something that just comes up naturally and spontaneously in us when we see or even think about a person or a being that we like, Care about. So it could be a family member, A friend, A pet. I've heard people say that they find it easier to love animals than people, Which is kind of understandable because animals are relatively uncomplicated. They don't have all these complicated emotions. Just give them food and water and a place to sleep and some affection and they'll be your friend forever. But anyway, There are certain people and living beings that when we see them, We meet them, Or even just think about them, It brings up this feeling of, I like you, I love you, I care about you. So that's the feeling of loving-kindness. We see that other person or being as dear and precious and worthy of our affection, Worthy of our kindness. We want them to be happy. We want them to be well and have good experiences and not be unhappy or have any kind of suffering. So that's the description of loving-kindness. So it's just this feeling, This experience that we all do feel, At least sometimes for some people, Even if we can't feel it all the time for everybody. But that's the goal in Buddhism. The goal is to increase that feeling of loving-kindness, Cultivate it, Make ourselves familiar with it more and more and more so that we can feel it for more and more people and more and more living beings. And eventually it's possible to feel it for everybody all the time. So the Buddha did this, Many of his followers have done this, Many people nowadays in the world are working on this and really growing their loving-kindness so they can feel it for more and more people. So there's different meditations, Different practices for doing this, For cultivating loving-kindness and making our minds more familiar with it. Well first of all we'll start with a few minutes of just sitting quietly and focusing on the breath so that we can calm down our minds because meditation always goes better if you can be in a more calm state of mind. And then I'll ask you to try to get in touch with that feeling of loving-kindness. You can do that by just thinking of somebody or some being towards whom you have that feeling or remembering a time when you did feel it and trying to bring that feeling back into your mind right now. And then we will contemplate different people. I'll try starting with ourselves. I say try because it may not work. If you have a habit of not liking yourself and kind of beating yourself up, Then it's not easy to change that and suddenly start liking yourself. It is possible but it may take time so you may not be completely successful in doing this with yourself but we'll at least try. And then we'll move on to a friend. Friend here just means a person we like. So it could be someone in your family, A sibling or a pet or friend, Someone towards whom you easily feel these feelings of liking them and caring about them. And now we'll just spend a few minutes focusing on that person and feeling loving-kindness, Just getting our mind more familiar with that feeling of loving-kindness. And then we'll move on to another person. This time someone we're not so close to. They use the term stranger in Tibetan texts. It doesn't have to be a complete stranger. It could be someone we know, Like a distant relative or a neighbor or someone we work with but we're just not really close to them so we don't have strong feelings of liking for them but we also don't hate them so we don't have a version. So our feelings are more neutral in between, Not really liking, Not really disliking. So we'll bring to mind somebody like that and contemplate how this person wants to be happy too, Just like me, And how nice it would be if they could be happy. May they be happy. So we'll try to cultivate loving-kindness for them. And then finally we'll move on to a third person, This time someone we find annoying. I recommend that you don't think of your worst enemy, Someone for whom you have really strong feelings of aversion or someone who may have harmed you, Hurt you. That would be very difficult. So better to think of someone towards whom your feelings are mild, Low-level, Dislike, Aversion, Irritation. You just find them kind of like that. And then we'll contemplate how well this is just another person too, Another human being. They just want to be happy like me and wouldn't it be nice if they could be happy. So we'll try to cultivate loving-kindness. Now loving-kindness doesn't necessarily mean this romantic love that we have when we fall in love with somebody, Which is really overwhelming. It's more just a feeling of maybe kindness is a better term, Just an attitude of kindness and caring and yeah kind of the opposite of hatred, The opposite of hostility. And so when doing this meditation we'll be kind of reciting to ourselves certain words, Phrases such as, May you be happy and so on. And you may not actually feel anything. People often report that when they do loving-kindness meditation they feel like they're just saying these words but they don't really feel anything. That's completely fine. You don't have to actually feel something. It's good if you do but it isn't required. It's enough just to say these words because by saying these words bringing to mind a person and saying to yourself, May you be happy and nice if you could be happy. Even though it feels flat, There's no feeling tone there but it's just making our mind familiar with that way of thinking, That attitude about another person. And if you keep doing this and this is definitely my experience, You keep doing it. Slowly, Slowly the feeling will come. And I mean not just right now, Today, But over time. Just getting yourself familiar with this way of looking at another person. Slowly it kind of sinks in, Yeah this person wants to be happy and wouldn't it be nice if they could be happy. I would like them to be happy. And it does actually turn into a feeling but it may take time. So don't worry if it doesn't, You know, If you don't have that feeling today in this meditation, Feel that it's good enough just to do it, Just to do the meditation. Try to generate these feelings. Try to make your mind familiar with this way of thinking. And like I say, If you keep doing this, Keep working at it slowly, Slowly, There will be a change in your mind and you will be able to feel it. So let's begin. And as I say, We'll start with a few minutes of settling our mind. But first get into a good position for meditation. Try to sit up straight. You can close your eyes all the way or leave them open a little bit. Try to be relaxed. Just check if you notice tension anywhere in your body. If you do, Just put your awareness at that point and see if you can let go of the tension. If you say to yourself, Relax, Let go of the tension, Imagine the tension going away. And and breathe naturally. And when you're ready to, You can put your awareness on your breathing. Be aware of each breath as it's coming in and going out. If your mind jumps away, Wanders away from the breath, Gently bring it back. Don't worry if thoughts pop up in your mind or if you hear sounds. We can't stop thoughts and sounds from happening, But we can choose to not be bothered by them, Not be distracted by them, Except just for a moment to notice that they're there. But then let them go, Put them aside and come back to the breath. You For a motivation for doing this practice, One suggestion is to think something like, May this meditation be beneficial for me, For others, For the world. You can use your own words, Your own thoughts, But try to generate some kind of altruistic motivation for doing this meditation. So in this meditation, We're trying to cultivate and increase the feeling of loving kindness or friendliness. And this is something we naturally feel sometimes. So bring to mind a time when you did have this feeling, When you saw another person or being, A friend or sibling, Family member, Or a pet, And you just felt, Oh, This person or this being is really wonderful. I really care about them. I'm really happy to see them and I want to be kind to them. I want to treat them well and make them happy. So try to bring to mind an experience like that and see if you can bring up that same feeling now. So we can increase this feeling of loving kindness so that we can have it more frequently and for more people and beings. And that's the purpose of this meditation. So let's start with ourself, Because probably everybody at least sometimes gets angry at themselves and treats oneself unkindly. That's not a good thing to do. Just as we shouldn't treat others unkindly, We shouldn't treat ourselves unkindly. Let's see if we can generate loving kindness for ourself. Contemplate how you're a human being, Living being, And you want to be happy, Want to have good experiences. You don't want to suffer. You don't want to have bad experiences. And you deserve this. You deserve to be happy and don't deserve to suffer. You shouldn't have to suffer. So now say to yourself words. You can use these words or you can change them if you want. This is just a suggestion. May I be happy. May I be safe, Free from harm and danger. May I have whatever I need to be truly happy, Peaceful, And satisfied. May all my thoughts and actions and experiences be positive and beneficial. Again, Don't worry if you don't actually have the feeling of love and kindness toward yourself. It's good enough just to say those words to make your mind familiar with those thoughts. And now bring to mind another person, Someone you easily like, Have good feelings for, Be a friend, Sibling, Parent, Pet. You may mean many people you like, But just choose one person for now. And it's good if you can have a mental picture of that person as if they're right in front of you. And then contemplate this person is basically the same as you, A human being who wants to be happy, Who doesn't want to suffer, And feel that they deserve to be happy and don't deserve to suffer. Now generate loving kindness for this person. And you can use these words or change them to words that you're more comfortable with. Focusing on that other person, Say to yourself, May you be happy. May you be safe, Free from harm and danger. May you have whatever you need to be truly happy, Peaceful, And satisfied. Mail your thoughts, Actions, And experiences. Be positive and beneficial. Now let's try this with another person. This time someone we don't have such strong feelings of liking for, But we also don't dislike them. So someone towards whom our feelings are more neutral or even indifferent. So it could be someone you know in your neighborhood or at work or even in a family, But you're not really close to that person. When you've thought of such a person, Imagine them in front of you. And then contemplate this is another person just like you, Just like the last person you thought of, A human being. And this person wants to be happy and doesn't want to suffer, Just like you. Try to go one step further and wish the person could be happy and that they don't have to suffer. Then to increase, Enhance that feeling. You can use the same words as before. You can change these if you want. Focusing on that person, Say to yourself, May you be happy. May you be safe, Free from harm and danger. May you have whatever you need to be truly happy, Peaceful, And satisfied. May all your thoughts, Actions, And experiences be positive and beneficial. Now do the same with a person you find difficult to like. Bring to mind someone you find annoying or irritating, Not someone you have strong feelings of aversion or hatred for, Someone mildly irritating to you. And as before, Imagine that person in front of you. Put aside whatever it is about them you don't like, You find irritating. And then think about how this person is just like you and just like the other people that you thought of. It's a human being that just wants to be happy and doesn't want to suffer. In fact, The things you may find annoying about them, Maybe things they're doing in order to find happiness and be free of suffering. Let's see if you can feel how nice it would be if this person could be happy and free from suffering. And again, Say to yourself, Focusing on this person, May you be happy. May you be safe, Free from harm and danger. May you have whatever you need to be truly happy, Peaceful and satisfied. May all your thoughts, Actions and experiences be positive and beneficial. And finally, As a conclusion, See if you can open up your heart completely and wish happiness for all living beings. It's enough just to say the words, May all beings be happy. May all beings be free of harm and danger. May they have whatever they need to be truly happy, Peaceful and satisfied. May all their thoughts, Actions and experiences be positive and beneficial. So that's a suggested way of doing the practice. But you can also change it according to what works best for you. Like this is a script that I came up with that works for me. I like using these words, But you might find, No, That doesn't feel right to me and you want to change it. That's fine too. You don't have to follow somebody else's script. You can make your own. The point is to generate these positive feelings for others, Wishing them to be happy, Wishing them to not suffer. Well, Actually wishing them to not suffer is compassion, More strictly speaking. So that's another practice to develop compassion. But yeah, Mainly loving kindness is wishing others to be happy. Sometimes when I do it, I have more time. I also think of the specific things that will make the person happy. Like the kind of food they like to eat, The kind of environment that they can be in that they will feel good. Imagine giving them those things. Imagine giving them this nice food or putting them in this nice environment so that they do feel happy. You kind of imagine them looking happy, Smiling and looking relaxed and happy. So that makes it even more powerful. So there's different ways of doing it. You can play around and find what works for you. Also, Time-wise, We spend about 20 minutes just now, But you could do it for longer or shorter, Even just a few minutes. This can be very helpful. And also, You can do this when you're out and about doing other things, Not just when you're sitting in formal meditation. So when you're out somewhere walking around or riding on a bus or a train or in a place where there's a lot of people, Just pause for a moment and think, Wow, All these people. They want to be happy just like I do. How nice that would be if they could be happy. May they be happy. So even in a minute, You can generate that feeling of loving kindness. It really changes your mind. Sometimes if you're in a stress state of mind or feeling annoyed or irritated, That can bring about a nice change in your mind. I'll just share a story I heard from one woman who came to the class I was teaching. She said she worked in a job where she had to answer the phone. It was something like customer service. And so the people who were calling were often angry, Annoyed. And she said when she would hear their voice and could hear the irritation in their voice, The anger in their voice, That would trigger off her anger. She would be angry at the person. So she would speak to them in an angry way and they would speak to her in an angry way. And it was very unpleasant. After she learned about this meditation, She decided to use it. So when she would hear the anger in the other person's voice, She would say to herself, May you be happy, May you be happy, Just mentally saying that. And that would help her to not get angry herself, Would help her to stay more calm. And so she would be able to talk to the other person in a more nice way, Not in an angry way. And the experience she had was then the other person would also calm down. Because if you get angry at somebody, That's just like putting fuel on their fire of anger and they just get more and more angry. But I guess the other person would hear this kindness and this friendliness in her voice and that would help them to calm down. And then they could have a much more civil, Nice conversation. So that shows that it's enough just to say those words, Just to say to yourself those words in your mind, Even if you don't really feel it. It can bring about a change in your mind. And if your mind can change, Then there's a greater chance that there can be a change in the people around you. Because I've heard research, They've done research and they find that kindness is contagious. If one person can act kindly, Can be kind to others, Then it sort of triggers off their kindness. And then they feel more like being kind and doing kind things. So it's worth doing even if it takes some effort and it may not be how we naturally feel spontaneously in that moment. Okay, So let's take a moment to make a dedication of the positive energy that we've created during this period. Making the effort to do this meditation with a good motivation, An altruistic motivation. So we've created some good energy, Positive energy. Now let's share this positive energy with others, With the world. May it bring genuine peace and happiness and also more loving kindness and compassion in everybody's minds all over the world.

Reviews

This is a beautiful meditation. I want to thank you for the quick blurb about The Dalai Lama. My mind has been needing to hear this for over a year. I have tried endlessly to find a way to phrase the question, and tho I can often come close, nothing has hit the nail on the head the way your words in this did today.

I’m living in rural America in “Gravel Road County.” No temples or guidance nearby. It’s been a challenge to try to figure out how to generate bodhicitta with co-dependancy issues along with some other Buddhist principles.

That being said, after a year of practice I’ve already accomplished great change and am so grateful for the ease of access to information in today’s society. Still, difficult questions arrise.

I’m caring for an elderly parent but I have monastic ambitions. I have “follwed” the abbey and it’s progress since learning of it roughly a year ago. It’s certainly something I need to investigate more, but it feels strong within me so I will endeavor to do so…hoping to come for a retreat in the future.

Namaste 🙏

This is excellent as an explanation AND a practice. Thank you ☮️

So helping !