How To Release Fear Of Abandonment (Talk)

If you've been trying to release your fear of abandonment with therapy and meditations - but you still aren't feeling a shift - it's not your fault. Because this fear usually stems from trauma, it is stored in the body and cannot be released with the mind. In this talk, I'll share with you the science behind why your fear of abandonment lives in your body and examples of how it can be released through movement.

About anxious attachment, relationship issues, and healing trauma.

Transcript

Hi,

This is Orit Krug,

Board certified dance movement therapist and trauma and relationship expert.

Today,

We are going to talk about how to release your fear of abandonment through the body.

And I want to put a few disclaimers right here up front,

Just so you know what to expect,

Because the reality is,

I'm not going to be giving you a step by step process on how to release your own fear of abandonment.

But I'm rather going to talk about how it can be done.

And I want to emphasize this because we are talking about how to release trauma through the body,

Right?

So me speaking to you in words,

Isn't going to achieve that.

I don't know if that sounds obvious,

But I know that it can be upsetting to come to a talk expecting to get an answer and realizing that I never gave you one.

And so I'm not going to give you any answers here,

I will give you some ideas.

And perhaps you can see yourself in those ideas and see that releasing trauma and fear of abandonment from the body is possible for you.

So let's first talk about how the fear of abandonment is stored in our bodies,

When it's a result of trauma.

So you may already have a sense that this is true for you,

You may have tried a lot of journaling,

Meditations,

Affirmations,

But you're still struggling with a fear of abandonment,

No matter how much you tell yourself that things are going to be okay,

Or that your partner is not going to leave you.

You might even feel broken or like damaged goods because you've talked about this in years of therapy and still really don't believe that you are secure in your relationship.

I understand how frustrating this is not to feel change after putting so much effort in trying to release this fear,

Because I also spent many years in talk therapy.

I became the master of my own awareness,

I knew why I was fearing abandonment and what events led up to it and why my trauma was still making me feel this way.

But the awareness wasn't enough,

I wasn't able to physically shift this,

I wasn't able to not feel this fear in my body and not react impulsively anytime my partner answered a text message a little bit too late or he said he'd rather hang out with friends tonight instead of hanging out with me.

So when you have trauma stored in your body that's driving your fear of abandonment,

It may sound obvious but you need to release that fear from your body.

And because our bodies don't understand verbal language and cannot process words,

When you attempt to talk or think yourself out of this fear it just doesn't work.

It may temporarily give you some relief and some hope but then something happens again,

A trigger happens again and it's like why,

Why can't I change?

Your mind might be thinking oh,

You know,

My partner won't leave me but your nervous system is so much stronger and louder because it protects you and keeps your heart closed because again that belief in your body is that you will be abandoned and rejected.

It's happened before so why wouldn't it happen again?

And also that was the most painful thing I ever experienced so how could I let my guard down?

There are no amount of words that really can convince you otherwise when the trauma of abandonment is currently stored in your body because this old trauma is what drives your impulses,

Thoughts,

Behaviors on autopilot before the mind even can think about changing the habit.

Okay so if words won't do it or therapy or affirmations or meditations or energy healings,

What will shift this fear of abandonment in your body?

So there are a couple answers to this.

The first one is a bit more complicated because it requires a neuroscience backed process where you release this trauma through your body and movement and rewire your nervous system through experiencing this fear.

So what that really means is when you feel this fear of abandonment come up and you're working in a safe space with a therapist,

Your body and nervous system get that opportunity to rewire it in the moment and to help your body move through that fear.

So I'll give you an example.

My client Carol was working with one of my therapists named Vicki in my Let Love In program and during one of the sessions far into the program Vicki was running this group session and one of the clients in the group had to abruptly leave.

There was something going on with her partner and she didn't get to say goodbye,

She just left and this left Carol feeling abandoned.

You know she could rationalize in her mind in the moment,

Oh it has nothing to do with me there's something going on with her family,

You know it's an emergency.

But honestly she didn't even get a chance to rationalize.

This other client left abruptly and all of a sudden Carol was experiencing a lot of fear of abandonment.

This is why it's so important to work with a therapist who can see this happening,

Who can see in that moment that Carol dysregulated,

She was starting to dissociate,

Check out of her body,

Check out of the quote unquote zoom room and Vicki in that moment could see how this impacted Carol.

And instead of letting Carol continue to dissociate and numb and escape her body,

Which really what she was doing was escaping this fear of abandonment and all the feelings associated with it,

Vicki helped Carol stay connected to her body through movements that she knew at this point of working with her would help her stay present in her body,

Would help her feel safe in her body even through these feelings.

And not only did Vicki help her stay present in her body through this fear,

But also stay present in the relationship with Vicki.

So Carol's usual pattern of checking out of her body and checking out of her relationships when this fear came up,

They got to change that on the spot because Carol's body and nervous system had this experience in real time in session.

They weren't just talking about what happens when Carol has a fear of abandonment and how she could bring herself back and stay connected to your body and stay connected to the relationship.

No,

They got to do that in real time in relationship with each other.

And because Carol's body had that experience,

Which is incredible because it wasn't planned,

But it's like everything that seems to happen in these sessions is just divine timing.

Like that was meant to happen so that Carol could have a safe,

Reparative experience for her body and nervous system to see that,

Oh,

Yes,

I can tolerate these feelings.

I can tolerate this fear.

Not only can I tolerate it,

But I can move through it and I can choose the way I want to move through it.

So allowing Carol to choose the way she wanted to move through this fear,

Even starting to make her body bigger instead of closing up and becoming more stronger,

Stronger movements instead of hiding and staying small.

That is key to real life change.

And so this is one of the key components of how we need to move and heal the trauma of abandonment,

The fear of abandonment through the body and through movement.

The second way that is really important that you may have done in my healing abandonment wounds in the body meditation is this very common truth that most people who have a fear of abandonment are already in the pattern of abandoning themselves first.

So when my team and I start working with new clients,

They already know,

They already know this.

They've already heard this a million times.

They have the cognitive awareness that they're sabotaging their relationship because of their fear of abandonment.

But what the body reveals on a much deeper level when we start moving together is that many of them are abandoning themselves first.

So even though their minds obsessively think about all the ways their partner will leave them,

They quickly discover in movement that these thoughts are a projection of their own behaviors.

So when you have intrusive thoughts like,

Oh,

He's going to leave me or she's going to find someone better,

You miss out on the realization that you're the one who's already left yourself because you're not listening to your needs,

Your desires or your values.

When you don't speak up for what you want or don't set boundaries in your relationship,

You abandon yourself.

This is often a subconscious realization that our clients have through their early movement experiences in session.

A simple mirroring technique can reveal that they push their needs aside to accommodate other people or they're so scared of being judged and rejected that they don't express their true needs.

It's safer to hide who they really are.

So another example of what this looks like is from a recent session that I was running with a group of clients.

I asked them to split up into pairs and I gave them two choices on how they can move with their partner.

The first choice was slow and indulgent and the second choice was more quick and strong.

I strongly encouraged each person to move what they felt was really fitting and good to them in the moment.

Even if their partner had chose to move quick and strong,

The other person's goal was to move slow and indulgent if that's what felt best for them.

Here's what happened.

Most of the clients left their bodies.

They dropped their needs and did whatever their partner just did.

When we verbally processed this experience,

Some of the clients described losing themselves and said they follow their partner without even realizing that they weren't making their own choices.

So they had the freedom to express themselves in this partnership and most of them revealed that they did not know how.

They abandoned themselves in this movement interaction which was a direct representation of how they continuously abandoned and lost themselves in the intimacy or conflict of their romantic relationships.

This was incredibly revealing but the good news is now when I split them up into pairs,

They are incredibly good at doing what they want to do.

Even outside of the choices that I gave them,

They're like,

Alright I just want to move this way or Rit didn't say we could so I'm just going to do that.

They are really able to freely express themselves unapologetically even if their partner across from them wants to do something different.

This is also something that happens really often in the couples work that I'm doing.

So I'm working with a couple right now,

We'll call them Max and Laura.

Max and Laura,

One of their biggest issues is that Max does not feel safe.

I don't think he recognizes that yet,

That it's about safety.

But he does not assert his needs.

He drops whatever he wants to try to make Laura happy.

And the problem is Laura senses that he's not really in it.

He's not really cheerfully doing what Laura wants him to do or even,

Not even cheerfully,

But he just really doesn't want to be there when they're hanging out,

Spending time with their family.

And Max is losing himself more and more that his health is declining and he is feeling unhappy in the relationship as well.

And so I had them do this exercise where instead of mirroring movements,

I had them do the opposite of mirroring.

So if it was Laura's turn to lead movement,

I asked Max to purposely not mirror her and then they would switch roles.

And what happened was when it was Max's turn to lead,

He could do whatever movement he wanted.

Laura would not follow.

Ah,

The thing that I forgot to say is that Max was supposed to try what he could to ask Laura to match him better.

So if Max's hands were up in the air and Laura's hands were on her lap,

Max would have to try to find some way to say,

Hey,

Laura,

Could you maybe put your hands up a little bit higher?

Could you try to maybe put one hand?

He would have to somehow communicate a way for her to meet him where he's at to match his expression.

And what happened was Max tried to do his own expression.

He tried maybe for a second or two to try to have Laura match it,

But he gave up and he eventually just mirrored Laura.

So this was an exact reflection of what happens in their relationship.

Max tries to express something,

Tries to do something that he wants for maybe a second or two,

Sees that Laura's not into it.

Laura's doing her own thing.

Max is like,

Okay,

I'm going to do what Laura's doing.

And there you go.

That's one of their difficult cycles that has been hard for them to break.

And so you can see that Max is abandoning himself just to try to please Laura because somewhere along the way he learned that it was not safe to disappoint someone you love.

It was not safe to speak up for what you want if it was going to make the other person unhappy.

And he did resonate with this happening for him growing up.

So this is so common where we need to really see through the body and through movement where we're truly acting out this fear of abandonment by abandoning ourselves first.

And then not only seeing where that is,

But then changing it.

So with Max and Laura,

We did this several more times,

You know,

With breaks in between and regulating through it.

And eventually,

Max was saying what he wanted.

He was asking Laura to join him.

He was trying different ways to ask.

He didn't just give up after one time and not being successful.

He had built up the ability and safety to do that.

And this directly translated to their relationship where he could start asking for a break.

Hmm,

I don't really want to go to the park with you guys today.

I'm feeling so tired.

Is it okay if I just nap this one time?

You know,

He would push his body to do things to please her and the family when he was really deteriorating inside.

And so he was able to start shifting that.

And one of the most important reasons why we need to release a fear of abandonment from the body is because our bodies are the vehicle for which we act,

Behave,

And connect in our relationships and the world.

And again,

Many people try to convince themselves in their minds that their partner won't leave them,

Or they talk and talk and talk about it,

How they're going to feel differently the next time the moment comes.

But of course,

That doesn't translate to what the body and nervous system are doing.

So if you really want to release your trauma and fear of abandonment from the body,

The very first step is to tune into your body,

Connect back to your body in a safe way so that your nervous system and your physical being are ready for rewiring and release in a way that truly works and lasts.

This is exactly why I created my Insight Timer course called You Are Worthy of Love.

You can find it on my profile,

And it is about 20% psychoeducation on how the brain and body store trauma and how the nervous system reacts because of it.

But the 80% of the course is you connecting to your body in a safe way through movement.

And I really guide you through this gently and in a way that can really still keep you safe even doing it from home.

This is not a course to release trauma,

But again,

It is a necessary foundation and introductory experience in order to be able to be ready to do so.

So if you want to take that first step,

Visit my profile and sign up for my course called You Are Worthy of Love Healing from Trauma.

Until next time,

You deserve to be able to let healthy,

Lasting love in.

Reviews

Clear and heartwarming explanation and examples. Thank you ☀️🙏
ps you are mentioning a course named ‘you are worthy of love’ and I cannot find it in the ‘course section’; could you provide a pointer?

Thank you. Looking forward to listening to more of your offerings 🙏🏼🤸🏻‍♂️🪷

Thank you for sharing this information, I am on this journey myself. I always new from a young age that my body was so hyper sensitive, but thought it was normal and sometimes I felt like it helped me sense things before it would happen. But now at the age of fifty three, I am a bundle of nerves with health issues that I can’t explain. I’m the master of self sabotage and manipulative behavior. That I fear that I won’t be able to release and recover and heal from. This talk is so helpful for me because it gives me hope for one thing and it’s opening the path I can take to start learning more about my insecurities and patterns and have the courage to stay focused and work on myself for myself and being to love and respect myself so I can begin to heal from within. I always thought that if I was better on the outside I would be better on the inside. Now I see that it’s the inside of me that needs to feel and the outside will follow. Thank you
From William from NJ

A gift when I needed it the most. Thank you so much as always 🥰

Excellent talk. I realise you were talking mainly about romantic partners, but I was also relating this to close family. Thank you for sharing 🙏🪴