The Adult Chair Podcast 3: The Adolescent Chair

The adolescent represents the formative emotional years erupting from the child. The adolescent is developing the ego, conceptualizing right and left brain activity, and is tested through new experiences of fear. But there are some terrific strengths of the adolescent, and coming to terms with this part of us can bring greater balance and overall emotional health.

This week on The Adult Chair, Michelle Chalfant and Pete Wright talk about the critical developmental milestones of the adolescent and provide a foundation for understanding when we’re getting stuck in our adolescent chair as adults.

Transcript

Pete Slauson Welcome everybody to the Adult Chair of Living Authentically with Michelle Schalfont.

I'm Pete Wright and here we are,

Episode three.

I'm sitting here with Michelle Schalfont.

Michelle,

How are you?

Michelle Schalfont Hi,

Pete.

I'm good.

Thank you.

How are you?

Pete Slauson Well,

I'm very good.

I'm nervous.

Michelle Schalfont Why are you nervous?

Pete Slauson I'm nervous about this week's episode because,

You know,

Last week we talked all about the child chair and you totally nailed me.

You described me to a T and now we're,

I think you're going to nail me again.

I feel like,

You know,

Introducing this,

Where I'd love to start is talking about the transition,

Sort of how we transition from the child chair.

And as you described the child chair last week,

Sort of this inner zero to seven year old that becomes kind of the vessel for true feelings,

Discovering trust and creativity and passion and vulnerability,

All these sort of wonderful and rich native emotions that then get all mucked up by the adolescent.

Michelle Schalfont It can get mucked up.

So we have a lot of wounding that could happen in the child.

So just to step back there,

Just for just a moment.

So for example,

One of the things that happened in the child is trust.

So I can't trust because let's take,

For example,

I'm going to use myself for an example.

So I had really bad colic for the first nine months of my life.

So I'm wondering,

Just thinking back,

And I remember asking my mom about this,

You know,

How often,

Because I cried 22 hours a day,

My mom,

For nine months,

Okay,

For nine months.

This is during the child part of my life.

The inner child part was forming and trust is a biggie for me.

And now in my adult life,

But growing up,

Obviously during those nine months,

I said to my mom,

How many times when I was crying,

Did you just leave me?

And she says,

I absolutely did that because I would change your diaper,

I would try and feed you.

And she says,

Sometimes I just had to walk away because,

You know,

When you have a crying baby,

I had a crying baby after they cry for an hour or so,

You know,

It just makes you crazy inside.

So what I realize is that's where my trust issues came from as an adult or,

You know,

As an adult,

I had trust issues and I stemmed it back to the child.

So what happens in our child,

It's like everything gets recorded.

And then when we become adolescents,

You know,

Again,

That starts developing around the age of seven.

It's kind of like the child part,

Again,

All unconsciously,

Like hands over to the adolescent,

Like here,

Make sure that you remember all of this stuff that I've recorded.

It's like they give them a little,

A tape recorder of,

This is what happened for the first seven years,

Make sure you take good care of me now.

So that's what happens in the child.

So then the adolescent comes in,

Which is much more of the left brain,

The logical part of who we are,

She or he is the ego,

Okay?

So in the child part,

If you remember from Psych 101,

You know,

As children,

We feel like we're not one.

We just feel like we're walking around in a blob,

Our little family,

You know,

We just feel like we're part of this unit instead of being one or an I.

When the adolescent part of us forms,

We realize,

And the ego comes in,

Hold on,

It's just me.

There is an I,

There is a me,

And I'm all alone.

So that part of us is the survivor.

The ego is actually based in fear.

So it has to make sure that it keeps us safe no matter what.

So it's got all the recordings that happened in the child part from zero to seven,

And it takes it and it says,

Okay,

I got to run my life based on all the stuff that's already happened and of course everything that's not going to happen moving forward.

So it has to live only in the past and the future.

It has to be on high alert all the time.

So to do that,

It makes a lot of assumptions or stories.

So as it might say something like,

You know,

Well,

We need to do this or that because if we don't,

Then that's going to happen.

There is an assumption and typically they're not true and they never ever happen.

Oh,

Right.

So if that makes sense.

Well,

I think it does.

So it's this idea that because we're making this transition into the adolescent,

As soon as the ego steps in,

We have to figure out a way to rationalize all of these new signals that we're suddenly aware of.

And it's just noise.

And so we're essentially manufacturing interpretation in order to make sense in our minds of what these things are.

Whether it's truth doesn't really play a part of it.

It's just that's how we're responding to the world around us,

Right?

That's a great point,

Even though the part about truth,

Typically it's not true.

And we're making up a story or an assumption about it.

This part of us is unconscious.

It's very reactive.

It's reactive.

It's the part of us that again,

It's based in fear.

So it's controlling.

It's the part of us that is type A,

The perfectionist part.

It's the part of us that blames and uses the word should,

Like you should have or I should have.

It's the part of us that has that hamster brain where the thoughts keep going around and around and around.

It beats up on us.

It's the biggest what if part of the brain,

Right?

Well,

What if I don't do that?

What will they think of me?

There you go.

There's the story.

We become aware of judgment,

Of external judgment.

Right.

Exactly.

So,

Yeah,

So it's the part of us that also wears a mask.

It learns not to be authentic because if I'm authentic,

It thinks again that I'm going to be rejected or abandoned.

So it learns to wear a mask.

It learns not to show up in our authentic self.

Okay.

Okay.

So when I go to work,

I'm going to show up like this.

I'm going to be the funny guy.

When I go to school,

I'm going to be quiet around this crowd,

But I'll be a partier with this crowd.

And it's like we don't know who we are,

But we want to please other people,

So we are going to wear this mask.

And we're so afraid we're going to get rejected or abandoned.

So there's the mask.

This is the seat where we also will find addictions.

So we also find codependency,

Love addiction,

Sex addiction.

This is where the victim sits.

This is the drama queen.

How do those things manifest themselves?

I mean,

Why is it that addiction becomes such a,

For lack of a better word,

Kind of emotional safe haven?

This is what happens is the child has feelings and the feelings can become very intense.

And when the feelings come up,

If you picture them literally rising up through you,

Rising up through the body,

The mind,

The adolescent says,

No,

No,

No,

And it pushes them down.

So I'm going to start with,

And I'm going to get to your question about that,

But let me just start here.

So it pushes them down,

Pushes them down,

Pushes them down.

The brain says,

How do I get this person to stop feeling?

Well,

Let me start with,

Go get that chocolate cake.

Because if I eat the chocolate cake,

Then I'm not going to feel.

Go get that bottle of wine.

Go get that beer.

Go get that pot.

Go get that,

Go have sex.

Go gamble.

Go shop.

Go whatever.

That's where these addictions are born.

These intense feelings are coming up and the mind says,

Okay,

What can I do to numb myself out so I don't feel?

How can I push these feelings down further?

And if we don't allow ourselves to feel those feelings,

Then guess what?

The feelings keep coming and that mind keeps saying,

Well,

I need to figure out a way to push it down.

So there's where these addictions are born.

And eventually the behavior supplants the emotion altogether.

You know,

There comes a point where you no longer even need to feel scared or ashamed or you just end up going for more pie or more pot or more sex.

Exactly.

It takes over.

It just takes over.

Yeah.

And then we don't even need the emotion.

Then becomes a chemical issue or a biological issue in the body or physiological issue in the body.

And then we have no control over it at all.

But all of this starts from our ability to handle that rationalization of emotion in the adolescent chair.

I would say yes.

I know that people are also,

You know,

In their genes they have addictions maybe in the bloodline,

You know,

And it's passed down,

Which just I would say then you have to be extra careful when you start drinking or you have to be extra conscious.

And that's the part that's that's that's the problem with this chair is this is the seat of the unconscious mind.

We're not conscious.

We don't know what we're doing in this mind.

And excuse me,

In the seat in the adolescent seat.

Well,

The same can be said for genetics.

I mean,

Having a genetic predisposition for addiction means you are at greater risk of not dealing with your emotions in a healthy state that drive you to this sort of reaction.

Right.

And if we're not aware and we don't not watching what we're doing,

Then we just fall into it.

It just happens.

So yes.

OK.

So finding making that transition to from,

You know,

Here's here's where these these sort of rationalization behaviors begin.

How then?

I mean,

It just sounds like the adolescent super dangerous.

How do we develop a healthy relationship with our adolescent?

And that and that is what people say when I when I show them this model in my office,

They go,

Well,

I hate that part of me.

No,

No,

No,

We need that part of us.

The problem is,

Is there's too much energy in that part of us.

Like all of who we are is sitting in that chair.

And what we want to do is to divide the energy up.

And we can't do that without our adult chair.

So having that ego mind and we need our ego,

We need it.

Absolutely.

It's the part of us that says when we put our hand on the hot stove that says,

Oh,

My gosh,

I just burned my hand.

So the ego is like,

OK,

Don't do that again.

Yeah,

Preservation,

Self-preservation.

We need so we need that part of us.

And I don't know if you've ever seen that video or heard of Jill Bolte Taylor.

Oh,

Love,

Jill Bolte Taylor.

Love.

But here's the end.

So she had her stroke and the left side of her brain was shut down.

And she had all of those life experiences from the right side of the brain,

Which in my opinion is similar to living from the child part of who we are.

And her left side of the brain,

Which in my opinion is very similar to the adolescent chair,

Was shut down.

And she couldn't even dial the phone.

She couldn't drive a car.

So again,

We need this part of us.

But what we don't want to have happen is for it to be all of who we are.

And I think of when I think about a human being,

I think of us,

You know,

We have so many voices that happen within us.

We have the part of us that loves our dog or our cat or our child or our parent.

And then we have the part that criticizes us,

That sabotages us.

And then we have another voice that again,

That has the true feelings and true needs.

So if you think about all the parts to a human being,

There are probably hundreds,

If not thousands of different voices that go on.

And they're based in different parts of who we are.

But if we can look at ourselves like a big giant puzzle and break it down into thirds,

That's where these chairs are coming from,

The child,

The adolescent,

The adult.

So there are lots and lots and lots of voices that happen from the adolescent.

But this is why we need that adult chair so badly,

Because we need that part of us to balance out the other two chairs.

And that's the only part that can do it.

Because that's the only part that's conscious or aware.

That's what is introduced in our conversation next week is consciousness and the ability to check me if I start lying,

The ability to process unconscious emotions of the child and the adult.

Yes.

Oh,

I love that.

We are going to,

We're going to dive into the adult chair next week.

We're going to make that transition and grow up next week.

Yes.

We're going to grow an adult.

We're going to grow our adult and we're going to keep popping out our inner child and inner adolescent and then grow an adult.

And we dare you to keep up.

You know,

If you want to learn more about the show,

I encourage you to head over to michellechalfont.

Com.

You can subscribe to the show for free.

Links are on the site that'll take you to iTunes or give you the RSS link.

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Please share the website,

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And,

And,

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Let us know,

Let us know on our Facebook page or in our comments on the website.

We'd love to hear how these messages are hitting you.

And if you have some thoughts or questions for Michelle that you'd like to,

To hear her respond to on the show,

Please share them and we will certainly do our due diligence to,

To address them on the air.

On behalf of Michelle Chalfont,

I'm Pete Wright.

Thank you so much for listening and we'll catch you next week on The Adult Chair,

Living authentically with Michelle Chalfont.

Reviews

Really inspiring helpful concept to really look inside oneself, to be conscious of the unconscious self, feelings, emotions, behaviours, triggers, at every stage of our life. Thank you 🙏

This just makes sense! Great!

Thank you Michelle! ❤

Excellent insight can't wait to listen to the next one! Thanks Michelle blessings

I am really appreciating the wealth of insight in these podcasts. Human beings are so complex, deeply influenced by so many inner voices, both conscious and unconscious ones. This is a wonderful way to make sense of what is going on inside us and connect to the part of us that can consciously choose which voices to respond to. Thank you 🙏🏽

Oh my god I’m so stuck in the adolescent chair!!!

Definitely want to delve more deeply into this. Thank you.

Couldn’t think of something much more accurate than this talks. Thank you for unravel so many thoughts 🙏🏼

Really useful. Thx

Great info! Can’t wait to grow up

You are a gift to us Michelle! And you have a delivery talent of explaining things so well!

So clearly and pleasantly brought!
Thank you 🦋🙏🏾🦋
This is very helpful for many people on their road to more self conciousness. Will share!

Love it! I like the way you verbalize the facts. Have you read Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul?

Not a comfortable chair.

Very thought provoking