520: 5 Ways To Stop People-Pleasing & Be Your Authentic Self

Today, I’m talking about what the true self really is and how we can begin reconnecting with it. When we are born, we come in with our true essence. But as we grow up, we begin adapting, changing, and creating a false self so we can feel loved, accepted, safe, and as if we belong.

Over time, this false self can cover up the truth of who we really are. We may lose touch with what we feel, what we need, what nourishes us, and what helps us feel connected to ourselves. But the good news is that anyone can begin to rediscover and live from their true self.

Transcript

Hello everybody and welcome to the adult chair where we talk a lot about living. And our healthiest version of our adult self. I am Michelle Chalfant. I'm happy to be here with you today. So for today's show, We are talking about. You're ready for this one? Five ways to find. Or live from or rediscover your true self. Indeed. I am so excited to talk to you guys about this. This is something I have spent probably most of my life. Working on uncovering and living from as much as I possibly can. And I just want to be the first to tell you, Anyone can live from this place, Which is what we call our true self. So today I'm going to go over five ways to do that. And also we're going to talk about what exactly I'll start out with. What the heck is the true self? So let's just jump right in. What is this thing called the true self? Because there's a lot of buzz about it nowadays. Like people are like, I want to live from my true self. Do you live from your true self? Self, All this kind of talk. Here's the thing, The true self is basically our authentic self. So, And again, What does that mean? So let's back up a little bit. When we're born, We are born with what we call our true essence. This is the part of us that's the pure self. It is the unwounded, Undamaged, You know, We have no negative beliefs. When we're born, Right? That's why we call it our pure essence, The pure essence of self. But what happens is as we grow up, We become who others want us to be. So we develop what we call our false self. So the problem is, Is from the age of zero to six, Or these little kids, We don't have discernment. So if mommy's mad or dad's mad, I think it's because of me. And we start really cobbling together a false self. We start changing who we are or putting a layer over the true self to make sure always that we belong, That we feel loved, Fit in, That we feel accepted by others. So we morph and become different than who we were born as. So that's what happens. And so over the, Then, You know, Of course we grow up, We go to school or with other little kids. We, Again, We just continue to morph and we change ourselves. Now, Again, Some of us have a much thicker layer of the false self, And some of us have a thinner layer of the false self. The good news is, Is anyone can learn how to penetrate that false self and rediscover and live from their true self. So that's what the true self is. Let's talk about five ways to help you to kind of, When I think about the true self, I think about an egg, Like think about Humpty Dumpty even. And in the middle of the egg or the yolk of the egg, That's the true self. But we build this shell around us so that we fit in and we don't get hurt. You know, Some of us build walls, All of these things. It's not part of our true essence. So how do we get into and really touch and rediscover who we really, Really are? Who were we when we were born? So I've got five ways. Here we go. Number one, We want to get in touch with our emotions. What Do you feel? Getting in touch with our emotions is such a magical thing. And I realized after having clients for 20 years in a private practice, People don't know what they feel. Most humans, I should say. Now, We of course know when we're scared. We might get angry. And, You know, Sometimes we feel good maybe on our holidays or birthdays or things like that. How often do you really feel joy throughout the year? How often do you feel uncertainty or overwhelm or grief or feeling ecstatic. After asking clients for so many years, Okay, Let's tune into your bodies. Let's just do a check-in and let's see how you feel. How does that make you feel? So many times people would look at me like, I don't know, Like I'm disconnected from that. So way to rediscover that true self that we all have is to start slowing ourselves down and getting really curious about what we're feeling on the inside. What do I feel when I watch this movie? When I look at a sunset, When I hug my partner, My child, My mother, My sister, My brother, My whomever, How does that make me feel? How does it make me feel when people stand too close to me? Does it feel uncomfortable? How does it make me feel when I don't hear from people in a while? What comes up for you? We have a lot more emotions than happy, Sad, Mad, Ashamed, And glad. We have a lot more emotions than that. But I realize humans in general, We don't have this giant scale of emotions. We don't have this range and we need to get into that range. The way to do that again is just start getting curious. What do I feel? And you may not have words around it, And that's perfectly okay. You might feel something in your body. Maybe it's a contracted feeling or it's an expanded feeling. You might also just have a knowing in your head. So however you experience emotions, Feeling them, Knowing them, And even having words for them, There's no right or wrong way, But do start getting curious around what you are experiencing emotionally and start connecting to those emotions. Something else I discovered after 20 years of working with people is that anything on the negative, Well, What people call negative, I don't call them negative side of the spectrum. Spectrum of emotions coming from love to fear. And people kind of move into the fear end of the spectrum, Which a lot of people call negative emotions. I don't think that they're negative. They're just the fear end of the spectrum, Period. We want to wall off. We don't want to feel them. We might eat ice cream or food or watch something or drink alcohol or do something to numb out. And we just really want to get in our bodies and be able to stay with those emotions on that end of the spectrum. So that's a way to really crack into and open up to our true self. Okay. That's number one. Number two, The next thing that we can do is to start tuning into what we need. Now, I don't mean what we want. And of course that's, That's fine too. Knowing what you want, That's wonderful. And claiming those wants and going after the things that you want in life, Go for it. That can also be helpful. But what I'm talking about here are your true Needs, Those are different than your wants, Right? You might want a new house, You might want to drive a certain car, But what are your needs? And again, From my experience of working with clients all those years, Many of us, If not most of us, Are disconnected from what we need. So what I mean by needs are things like, I need someone, Friend or family, To connect with me more. I'm longing for a deeper connection. Maybe I need a hug from someone or I just need someone to sit with me while I cry. And it doesn't necessarily have to be an emotional need. It could be, Again, A physical need, But do start paying attention to, Gosh, What do you need? Sometimes you want to head out to a restaurant because you kind of need to spend time with people. I know I have a cousin and some friends that are huge extroverts. And when they don't spend time with others, When they have a lot of time home alone, Guess what happens to them? Their mood starts to decline. They start getting kind of sad. And they'll say, I don't feel right. Something's not right with me. And one of my closest friends says to me, I know when I need to be around others because I start getting really sad and deflated and depleted because I'm such an extrovert. So she knows what she needs. That's a true need. So we want to take action on what our needs are. The other thing with needs is we want to get really clear about asking and comfortable with asking others to help us to fulfill whatever our needs are. It might be, Again, Hey, Can I need to spend time with you? Would you be able to spend time with me? I need to cry. Can you sit with me? I need someone to listen to me. I'm really mad right now. Can you just sit and hold space and listen just for a few minutes? Cause I'm angry. Those are all wonderful needs. You might need to spend time with a pet. You might need to spend time for your mental health, For your physical health outside. I need that. I need nature. In a big way. And I know with my job, When I start getting overwhelmed or overly stressed, I will tell my team, I'm out. I'll be back in 30 minutes. And I go for a walk around the lake that we have here. I need to be in nature. That is a true need of mine. It regulates my nervous system. It balances me out. I'm able just to relax every part of myself. And then I come back from that walk. I am more productive. And I just physically, Mentally, And emotionally feel better. So start asking yourself and tuning into what your needs are and then take action and make them happen. Okay, Next one. In order to really, Again, Getting in touch with and rediscovering our true self is to getting in touch with what we need when it comes to self-care and then practicing self-care. When we practice self-care, It's not self-ish, It's actually self-loving. And when we put ourselves first and practice what we need as far as taking care of ourselves, It's really, Really healthy and it gets us more in touch with our true essence. Self-care can be, And a lot of people want to ask them, What do you think self-care is? And they're like, Well, I get a massage every month. That's great. Self-care is a lot more than that though. And I'm not saying not to do that. Please keep doing that. But self-care could also be, And of course people say, Also get my nails done. That's awesome. But self-care is, Again, Tuning into self and asking, What do I need right now in order to make myself feel more comfortable? Safe, Relaxed, De-stressed. How can I clear my overwhelm? We've got to put ourselves first when it comes to this, Because what I realize is no one else is going to put us first. If I'm working and I love my job, I love what I get to do in my career. But if I'm working, Working, Working, Working, Working, I can get myself carried away and I don't take a break and I don't take care of myself in a healthy way. That's not practicing good self-care. So you've got to realize When are you getting to that point of, Wow, I'm really, Really overwhelmed. I need to pause. I need to take a break from whatever you're doing. I need to, Maybe it's taking a bath. This is something that people feel really guilty about is taking a nap in the middle of the day. Even if it's 20 minutes, That's self care. What about sleep? Practicing really good sleep hygiene is so, So important and a way to practice self-care. Self-care activities will promote and help with self-love. And self-worth. So self-care goes a long, Long way. And again, Cracks you open into your true self. It helps you to get to know who you truly are. So again, Sleep, Taking a bath, Walking in nature. Maybe it's just for me. Sometimes I go outside. I will just sit on my dock section and I'll just look out at the lake. I'll look at the trees. That to me is nourishing. I also take kayak rides. Think about what you need, What feels good for you in order to recharge and replenish your energy. How do you recharge yourself? What feels good for you? I have a friend that rides horses. She has a few horses and I love going and visiting her. Love horses as well. That's her self-care. That's what she does for herself. It's for nobody else. It's for her. So think about what you need and start implementing that in your life every single day. Every day. I also love to use essential oils. That's another way to take care of yourself. I have, I'm giving you all kinds of examples. So take anything that you need. I have an aura ring. It helps me to determine like, Where is my HRV, My heart rate variability. I wanna know how stressed I am. That's the way that I take care of myself. I bought myself an aura ring. I have an air purifier in my house for allergies. That's a way to self, That's self-care. Cooking nutritious meals for yourself, Taking supplements. How do you take care of yourself? That's what you wanna tune into. Okay. Next one. Breathwork. Okay. Breathwork can crack you open right into the true self. It really helps you to discover who you are or rediscover that true essence of self. There are many, Many, Many versions of, Of breathwork out in the world. You can go to YouTube and go to insight timer. You can go, I have, I have a bunch on my website or on my podcast where I've interviewed people that teach you how to do breathwork, But go to any of those sources or resources. And find ways to do deep breath work. I love Wim Hof's breath work. Breathwork takes you deeper into yourself. It can truly crack you open and help you to again, Get in touch with maybe some emotions that have been trapped or stuck. Again, Help you also become more aware of your needs. And it helps you to get to know yourself with self-care as well. But it is a beautiful way to crack right into your true essence. Okay, Last one that I love, Love, Love and do this on a regular basis. Journaling. Journaling takes you on a journey. To the depths of your soul. How do we journal? I have people that ask me this question all the time. And this is the common response when they ask me, I can't, I lie. I want to learn how to journal. They tell me, But I don't know what to write. Fine. It's no problem. What you want to write is when you get a journal or a piece of paper, If you're going to do it on your computer, It doesn't matter. But what you want to write is if you don't know what to write, You start there. You put a note, You start writing. I don't know what to write. What we want to do, What happens when we're journaling is we you're tuning into an energy or the flow state. And what happens the more you just write what's ever on your mind, Write it out. You can write out, I hate journaling. I hate journaling. I don't want to do this, But I think it's good for me. Start with those words. What you're doing is you're starting to get into the energy of journaling. You will be amazed at what comes out. Anything that's on your mind, Just put on paper, Even if it sounds silly. You don't need to worry about grammar. You don't need to worry about spelling. You don't need to worry about anything like that at all. All you want to do is write. And by writing, What you will find is another part of you will eventually take over. It's the unconscious mind. You can call it your higher self. You can call it your spirit, Whatever you want to call it. It starts to write with you, For you, And helps you to discover deeper aspects of self. You might find some wounding that comes up. You journal it out. If you're going through any sort of personal work or you're feeling anxious, You're feeling depressed, Write it out. I have read so much research around journaling. Many, Many, Many people report that it's oftentimes as good as going to see a coach or a therapist. Because that journal is the keeper of your secrets. And that journal will also help you to rediscover and take you deeper into self. That's the beauty of journaling. And you don't ever have to show it to anybody else. And if you're worried that other people are going to read it, All you have to do is burn it at the end or throw it away. I like to burn it. Because it's a burning ceremony and it also helps to transform that energy. So lots to do here when it comes to getting into your true self. I want to remind you that this is a process, But I want you to notice even the small little wins that you have when you do. And when you rediscover a tiny piece of yourself, You know, Those aha moments that you have. Pay attention. Pay attention to all of the aha moments because it's like. I just learned that about myself or I forgot that about myself. Another thing you're going to want to do is start validating yourself. Like, Wow. That is who I really am. That feels good. This is who I truly am. I know it. So just start paying attention, Raising your awareness around who you are, What's showing up for you. And I think you're going to be really surprised in a lovely way when you begin to not only rediscover aspects of your true self, But also start claiming those aspects and living from that place. So, All right, You guys, There you go. I hope that you enjoyed this. Again, If you enjoyed this and other shows that I do, Please, Wherever you're listening to the show, Please stop what you're doing at the end of the show and drop in and give me a five-star review and a comment. I love, Love, Love reading these comments, And I so appreciate you for doing that. All right, Have a beautiful, Beautiful rest of your week, And I look forward to seeing you right here here next week in the adult chair.

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