10 Subtle Questions That Expose A Narcissist

Have you ever felt confused by someone’s behavior, like something feels off, but you cannot quite explain why? Do you find yourself questioning your reality, overanalyzing conversations, or feeling emotionally drained after interacting with someone?

What if the answers are not in what they say, but how they respond?

If so, you are not imagining things. You are observing patterns. And patterns can be understood.

In this powerful live workshop episode, Lisa A. Romano shares 10 specific, non-confrontational questions designed to help you identify narcissistic traits in others. With deep psychological insight and real-world application, Lisa explains how narcissism reveals itself through tone, defensiveness, lack of empathy, and subtle patterns of superiority.

This is not about labeling. It is about awareness.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough, The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true, Authentic self. I'm Lisa A. Romano, Your host. As an award-winning author and certified life coach, I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind. I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false selves. My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening. In this podcast, I'll share insights, Tools, And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery. So today we're going to be talking about 10 specific questions that you can ask someone that you think is a narcissist to flesh out narcissism without being confrontational. The purpose of this session is to really help people understand that the way a narcissist thinks is very particular. It's pattern-like. And once you understand this, It's actually even predictable, Which is mind-blowing. So early narcissistic traits often reveal themselves not in the content of the answers, But here, I'm going to tell you how they reveal themselves, Reading from my notes, By the way. So there's going to be an irritation at being questioned. So they're not open to these questions. So look for that. Charm followed by subtle superiority. So maybe they're interested in the beginning of you asking them questions. They may try to charm you, Maybe even be funny, But there's going to be this subtle level of superiority and annoyance that you're asking questions. These are classic signs of narcissism inside relationship dynamics with a narcissist, Both professionally and personally. But there's this lack of ability to hone in emotionally to answering your questions. So there's going to be these broad answers. So you're going to look for that. There's going to be levels of inconsistent empathy. They'll have empathy for themselves, And they may even have this mental empathy towards other people, But it's not the same as actually being able to feel and connect to what someone else is feeling, Which is why they tend to be dangerous people in the relationship world, In the professional world, Or out in society, Because they lack this genuine empathetic connection to other human beings. Because when you see other people as yourself, When you see yourself in others, It's really hard to hurt other people. And so you're looking for this inconsistent empathy in these answers. There's a defensiveness that masks as confidence. And so they might look confident when you're asking questions like, Yeah, Bring on these questions. I'm really interested in these questions. But there's a defensiveness there, And then an arrogance there, That they're annoyed that you're asking them or prodding any questions. There's rapid devaluation if admiration is not supplied. So if you are asking these questions and you don't mirror back admiration, Oh, That's great. That's amazing. I was like, Oh, That's a great answer. I'm so glad you answered that way. If you don't mirror that back to them, There's the risk of them rapidly devaluing you as a human being. And so I suggest that if you're, You know, I wouldn't like pose these questions to someone, You know, Rapid fire, Here's 10 questions. Answer my PDF before I go out on a date with you. That's not what I'm suggesting. But if you just take one or two of these questions, The next time you're with someone and you just ask them the subtle question, You know, Just very like, Almost like matter of fact. And you listen for the answer, But you also look for what I just said. You look for the tone. You look for the defensiveness. You look to see whether or not you're rapidly devalued just for asking the question or not responding in a way that signals to the narcissist that you find pleasure with them. Because that's the hook, Right? The narcissist wants to get the hook inside your cheek. And the way you treat them helps them know how far that hook is up in your cheek. So if you don't give them that narcissistic supply, They get irritated. So the first question that you can ask someone, Again, Be very subtle in your delivery. Tell me about a time that you realized that you were wrong and how did you handle it? What did you do? So what are you asking this narcissist to do? You're asking them to do self-inquiry work. And you're asking them to reveal to you their level of ownership, Their level of self-awareness, Their level of accountability, Their level of self-accountability, Yes, But also their level of, Am I willing to take complete ownership for when I realized I was wrong? Because everybody can be wrong sometimes. We all build our lives on the stories that we've told ourselves. Our stories may or may not be true, But still they're only a facet of ourselves. And I know for me personally, I have been wrong many, Many, Many, Many times, Especially with what I'm learning with the subconscious mind and how the program of the past, For instance, Growing up believing that you're not good enough, It will dictate your life if you don't flesh that out. So when you realize something like that, If you realize, Wow, I always believed that I was not good enough. And so I tended to see people treat me as if I was not good enough. And I realized that made me really hypersensitive and hyper aware. And I wasn't always looking at people as fairly and objectively as I could. I really looked at people as if they were supposed to change to make my life easier. You're not going to get that answer from a narcissist. You'll get that answer from a healing codependent, Someone that's actually doing this work. But if you ask a narcissist, Tell me about a time when you realized you were wrong and what should you do about it? You're going to get blame shifting. You're going to get excuses. You're going to, You're going to get, Well, I really wasn't wrong. I thought I was wrong, But in the end, You'll get this whole big story. But in the end, I really wasn't wrong because she did this and she said that. So that's what you're trying to look for ownership versus blame shifting. Another question is what's something you had to work on about yourself in a relationship. Now, If someone is doing personal development work and they've really looked within, They're going to be able to give you a really deep answer. You ask any one of my clients or any one of my students this question, What's something you really had to work hard on about yourself? They're going to be able to rattle it off. I had to work on my subconscious programming. I had to work on my faulty beliefs. I had to work on confirmation bias. I had to work on my reactivity and my emotional dysregulation. They're going to give you really, Really in-depth answers. Not so with a narcissist. So they're not going to be deep. They're not going to be answers that really make you understand who this person is. They're going to be very superficial and you want to understand that this is image protection. So what's something you've had to work on about yourself? You're asking them to peel back the mask. You're asking them to let me look inside of you. Let me see something about you that's not so perfect all the time. That is not so grandiose. So that's what you're looking for. Now, Another question that you can ask this person to flesh out empathy is how do you usually handle it when someone you care about is upset with you? We've all had people who are upset about us, Upset with us. But narcissists tend to be upset because people are upset with you. So a narcissist pulls the trigger. They hurt you in some way and you react and now you're the bad guy. So if a narcissist hurts me by saying something really cruel or accusing me of something I'm not guilty of or attacks my children or attacks my career, Whatever it is, Whatever it is, Right? And I get offended and then I react, I'm upset with this person. How does that person react to being upset when I'm upset with them? Now what you'll notice is defensiveness. So if someone is upset with them, They get defensive like pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa. And you get a whole big song and dance. There isn't a whole level, There isn't a whole lot of being able to look at, Well, You know, I said this and then she reacted to that and I should have, I should have not said it that way. I could have chosen better words. You're not going to get that. You're going to get defensiveness and minimization of the person who is upset with them. There'll be no accountability in the relationship breakdown. It'll always be the other person's fault and they'll minimize it. So they have a lack of empathy for the person who is upset with them. Another question is what helps you understand someone who sees things very differently from you? Right? So this is a really intriguing question because nobody's going to agree with us all the time, Nor should they. My perception of reality is based on what? My subjective experiences. How can you or anyone out there in the world challenge me or tell me that my perspective is wrong if it's based on my experiences, Right? So that's just a superficial thing and that's an ego thing. And it's for another conversation to talk about perception and perspective because everybody's brain is a prediction machine. It's a prediction model. So what I've experienced, I tend to expect to see in the world. So I really don't see things objectively, But when it comes to a question that we can ask a narcissist without going too far down the consciousness, What is consciousness and what is reality and the matrix of things without going down that rabbit hole, We're really trying to flesh out curiosity versus superiority. Healthy people are curious about people that don't agree with them. They want to understand why that person doesn't agree with them. An unhealthy person is off with their head. They disagree with me, Right? I am the superior one. Everyone becomes an opposer to them. And if you don't agree with them, They want nothing to do with you. So there's this level of superiority versus curiosity. You see this in the political landscape and I really hope that you intelligent people that listen to this, These sessions, You really see it in yourself too, Or you see it in the world, Like be careful. That's a narcissistic minefield. When we're not curious about other people who think differently than us in politics, For example, Very simple example, Or religion, Being open to being curious as to why does that person feel that way? That's very different than taking the superior stance. It's called subjective morality. I think this, Therefore it's right and you're wrong. So you're looking for that. That's a great question to ask someone if you think that they might be a narcissist because it's going to help you flesh out their level of empathy towards other people. So now we're going to talk about entitlement and what we're looking for here is like their level of entitlement. So you would ask someone, What do you think makes a relationship feel balanced? Why is this such an important question? Because narcissists know nothing about balance. It's about dominance, Superiority, And control. And so when you're dealing with a narcissistic friend or a narcissistic, Anyone, Partner or whatever, Or child, It's their way or the highway. So they really don't really understand reciprocity in a relationship or harmony in a relationship. You really are built to serve them. You really are built to figure out what it is that they need and supply them with it. You really are expected to jump when they say jump. And so what you're looking for is mutuality versus expectation of special treatment. So is this person not able to answer the question in any depth? Is this person able to say, I love waking up on a Sunday morning and making my wife breakfast so she doesn't have to make breakfast for us and the kids that morning. She works all week and I love to do that for her on Sunday mornings when I'm there. That's a way that I can contribute. Or are you going to hear something like, Well, I work all day so I just expect my wife to have my slippers by the front door. Or I expect my wife to make me dinner even if it's 11 o'clock at night and I've worked all day. Like there isn't a whole lot of empathy for the other person. So that's what you're kind of looking for. And another question you can ask to flesh out entitlement and the ability to be reciprocal in a relationship, Which every healthy relationship requires that, Is how do you show appreciation for the people in your life? Now this is going to make the narcissist's brain fart because the narcissist thinks that everybody should be in appreciation of them. You think about a workaholic narcissist who has a wife and a couple of kids at home. So yeah, He's working all day. He really is. And he's busting his butt. But there is this, Because I'm busting my butt, My wife owes me and my kids owe me. So I'm entitled to walk in the house grumpy and affect the whole household. I'm entitled to do that because I've been at work all day and my wife owes me. My kids owe me. So the kids don't exist. What's going on with them at school doesn't exist. What's going on with the wife, Her health, Or her family, The issues within her family, What she's dealing with the kids doesn't exist. None of that exists. So that's what you're looking for. How do you show appreciation for the people in your life? They really won't know how to answer that. And you might hear, Well, I really, I'm the one who works so hard. I expect them to appreciate me. I don't feel appreciated. So that's what you're going to hear if you're trying to flesh out a narcissist. So here are two questions that you can ask someone that you think might be narcissistic to evaluate their level of emotional depth and self-reflection. What's something painful you've learned about yourself? Now, What you're going to notice here is that you're going to take note of their emotional range, Like how far can they go into themselves and explain a part of themselves or a part of their life, A part of their history that was really painful for them and taught them a lesson. You're probably not going to get a whole emotional range. What you're going to get is avoidance. They're not going to want to answer that question or grandiosity. They're not going to be able to answer that question. Because remember, A narcissistic flaw is there's nothing wrong with me. You just don't understand me because I'm so wonderful. And I don't have a whole lot of friends because I'm so wonderful and there just aren't a lot of people that understand how wonderful I am. So that's, I'm great. I don't even know why I'm answering your questions or what's wrong with you for asking me these questions. So their brain does fart when you ask them these questions because there's nothing that they have to learn about themselves because there's nothing wrong with them. So that might be very revealing if you ask this question or phrase a question like this. Then the last question would be, What helps you grow as a person? Now remember, This is going to snuff out their level of self-reflection. Narcissists don't self-reflect. They are outer focused. They're outer focused. What can they get from other people? Because they're perfect on the inside. They're annoyed by you. They have no, They have no reason to have you in their life except that you offer them entertainment and a source of narcissistic supply in which they can dominate you, Which excites them and keeps them entertained. So what helps you grow as a person? So when you're dealing with someone who is more healthy, What helps people grow as a person is inner work. What helps me grow as a person is acknowledging when I've made a mistake. When I observe myself, I am, I'm in the observer seat of my mind and I'm noticing my reactions. I'm noticing how I'm speaking to people. I notice when my tongue is too sharp. I notice when I isolate, So there's, There's really about self-reflection. When you're dealing with a narcissist, You're looking for, They will resort to say external validation. What helps me grow as a person is when, You know, I get that next achievement. I sold so many cars in a day. That doesn't mean anything, Dude. You're a good salesman. Car salesman is that, Right? Nothing wrong with being a car salesman. But the difference is rather than grow as a person from being able to look within myself and acknowledge that I have deficits and work on them because I've hurt other people. Rather than that being my source of growth, I grow when I'm able to dominate something that's happening outside of me and I'm able to extract validation or praise or attention for that thing that helps them grow. So you're looking for external validation versus in the internal work. So these are just some of the questions that you can ask someone that you think might be highly narcissistic, Which I think the most important thing is to know what you're looking for, Know why you're looking for it, And to also know that you're looking for their tone and you're looking for also, Like we said earlier, Like, Are they embracing these questions? Are they curious about you? Are they curious about why you're asking these questions or are they annoyed or do they get defensive? Do they push you away? Do they avoid you? Do they go stone cold? Are they curious or not? The less narcissistic someone is, The more curious they are and less reactive they're going to be to asking them the question because they're not all bent out of shape and they're not all twisted because you're asking them a question that's really going to help you get to know this person better. So I really hope that this has been beneficial. I know these questions help me and they also, I think it's really important that we make sure that we can answer these questions for ourselves. So it's a really quick self-assessment where we can learn to look within and ask ourselves better, Better questions so that we develop self-wisdom, Self-understanding, And self-knowledge, Self-gnosis, Because without self-gnosis, You are a default personality. You are reacting from your wounds and you don't even know it. You're living from the matrix, Which is holographic in nature. You believe your own BS. You project it out into the world and you call it reality. Carl Jung says, Until you make that which is unconscious conscious, It controls your life and you call it fate. Einstein says, Would call this spooky action at a distance because the observer effect is real. What I see inside of myself, Whether I acknowledge what I see or feel inside of myself, I expect to see in the world. So my childhood trauma, If I was raised to feel not good enough, I'm going to always be on the lookout for people that treat me like I'm not good enough. That skews our perception of reality, And that can be very problematic. And so I encourage you, If you like these questions, To first ask them of yourself before you ask them of others. This will keep you humble. This will keep you curious, And this will keep you on the path of transformation. Namaste, Everybody. Until next time. My name is Lisa A. Romano, And it has been a pleasure to serve the light within you. Bye for now.

Reviews

Great. Thank you Lisa!