Why Doing Less Makes You More Confident & Charismatic

Hey,

What's going on?

This is Ish here with Dharma in the background.

Ah,

He just bit me.

And today I want to talk to you about social confidence and charisma and the importance specifically of doing less.

So let's go over the principles.

So oftentimes when we're learning about how to be more confident socially,

We can learn a lot about different techniques.

And I've talked about it quite a bit of various techniques you can take on different body language techniques.

And it can seem like there's just so much to learn.

And yes,

There is.

But a hallmark of a truly confident person is that they have this certain effortlessness about them.

And that's really one of what I want to focus on is that sometimes you can get into a you always feel like you need to be doing more.

But in reality,

Truly confident and charismatic people have this certain effortless ease where they're doing less.

And that's the real secret here is by doing less in an interaction,

You can actually paradoxically seem more confident in yourself and more at ease with yourself.

There's a certain naturalness.

And we can look even further.

I know when people describe someone as being quote,

Unquote,

Cool.

What that really refers to is that this person is simply trying less in interaction.

There's a certain nonchalance.

And keep in mind,

There's a difference between trying less and simply just being neglectful.

Because if you just don't really care at all,

And you're unaware of how you come across,

That also is not a good place to be coming from.

But instead,

What I'm talking about is a certain cultivated chillness of low effort.

And the Italians call this spezzatura.

What this refers to is again,

You've put together a certain fashion or appearance or demeanor cultivated this certain aura about you,

Where it doesn't seem like you're trying too hard.

But now let's go over the psychology of why trying less paradoxically works.

So when we look at people that just seem to have tons of friends,

And they have a lot of things going on in their lives,

They have this demeanor of just being relaxed and at ease,

Compared to someone who let's just say doesn't have a lot of friends,

And maybe they are struggling in their lives,

They tend to give off this vibe of needing things from others,

And they're trying a bit too much because they want to be liked.

But if you have a lot of options,

You'll actually be a bit more discriminating in your demeanor,

And you're not as available as much.

So there's a certain distance there.

And you will also not feel the need to try because there's no need to impress anyone because you have everything that you need.

So this suddenly comes out in your behaviors,

Where you were not putting on an act or trying to impress the other person,

You were just more relaxed and at ease.

So one scenario I can give to you is let's just say you are throwing a party,

And you are the host,

Obviously.

And you invite everyone,

All your close friends.

And in that environment,

You are the person that everyone is coming up to,

And everyone's trying to get your attention.

And because of this,

You have no need to try to prove anything or try a lot because again,

You're just sitting back,

And people are coming to you.

Now,

If you can take the same principle and apply it in all social interactions in your life,

Where you're just calm,

Laid back,

Relaxed,

And it doesn't appear that you're trying as much,

Well,

Then this can actually cause a feedback loop,

Where other people will see this behavior in you,

And ascribe more confident and charismatic behaviors to you.

So you can actually elicit these responses in your environment,

And it's kind of like fake it till you make it,

Where if you just simply are relaxed,

You don't try as much,

It doesn't seem like you're putting a lot of effort in,

And you're just at ease at things,

And you're doing less.

Paradoxically,

You'll actually get more from the world.

So it's very interesting how that process works.

So I've gone over the psychology or the inner mindset of someone who simply has it all,

They're relaxed,

They're quote-unquote popular,

Or whatever it is,

Where they don't seem to have the need to impress or try to put on the front or try.

And again,

This spills out in their interactions.

But now,

How can you practically try this out?

So the main thing is to first come into the interactions with this internal state of mind,

Where you have nothing to prove and be relaxed.

And naturally,

These behaviors that you will take on will correct itself,

Because you're doing less again.

But if you want an idea or guidepost of how to actually do this,

One thing you can look into is your body language.

So if you are naturally calm and relaxed,

You would simply move less.

You would not fidget.

So a lot of times in social interactions,

I've noticed people will play with their rings if they have it,

Or they will scratch their hair,

Or adjust their clothing,

Or tap their legs up and down.

And this signifies anxiety or restlessness.

And it robs you from your confidence when you take a lot of these behaviors of fidgeting and moving really fast.

If you're naturally very confident and relaxed,

You move at a slower pace.

Your body would be still,

And you wouldn't move it unless you actually had to.

So part of this is actually taking back conscious control and being intentional about your movements.

Don't just randomly scratch your hair or doom scroll on your phone,

Because you just don't know what to do with your attention or yourself.

The next thing is being okay with silence and being able to take pauses.

And what this signifies is that you are okay with silence,

And you're being more proactive rather than reactive.

So what do I mean by this?

In social interactions,

I've noticed sometimes people will try to fill social gaps in the conversation because they cannot stand a bit of silence and tension.

So by being okay with silence and tension,

And taking pauses and acting through your own intentions,

Again that signifies that you are unafraid of social interaction.

You're calm,

You're relaxed,

Like I mentioned.

And you are not moved by the environment,

Rather that you are the person that is speaking how you want to speak.

So that conveys a lot of very positive attributes.

Now I'll leave you with one exercise here,

Is that this week I want you to practice doing less of something in a social interaction.

So if you are used to filling in gaps in conversation,

Try taking pauses and sitting back.

If you're used to being overly animated and trying a lot,

You can see that in a lot of my older videos where I'm just trying a little bit too much,

People-placing behaviors.

Practice just sitting back and enjoying your own company and the conversation,

And only say things if you actually want to say it.

So again,

Doing less.

Let's say you're used to a lot of people-placing behavior,

So you're trying to appease other people and trying to posture or try a bit too hard.

Well,

The opposite of that would be sitting back,

Relaxing,

And see if other people are a good fit for you in your world.

So you're flipping that around.

So I want to leave you with this.

So this quality of being effortless actually can take some time to develop.

It's paradoxical because in most subjects or topics in life,

At first you have to try really,

Really hard to get some mastery,

But eventually it becomes almost easeful and it becomes like you're doing less and you're somehow getting more.

I definitely noticed this in my meditation,

For example,

Where when I first started,

I couldn't concentrate at all.

I was constantly distracted.

I couldn't really sit for even 10 minutes.

But over time,

I can now do a couple hours a day,

No problem.

It's like I don't have to put in any effort because I've cultivated that skill set.

And this is something that a lot of other meditation masters and teachers have talked about over the years,

Is that there's a certain easefulness that comes with getting more skillful in things.

And in social interactions,

If you want to be more confident and more charismatic and work on these different things,

You have to come to a place in which you're actually doing less.

And this is actually cultivated,

But it may take some time.

But over time,

It becomes more natural and more easeful.

And that's the right direction that you want to work towards.

Thank you.