2 Ways to Take Your Power Back After People Pleasing

08:49

08:49

2 Ways to Take Your Power Back After People Pleasing

Rated

5

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

7

In this video, I explore two shifts that can help you move out of people pleasing and into a stronger sense of personal power. I talk about why people pleasing often creates a constant focus on managing other people’s reactions, and how reconnecting with your own wants, goals, and fulfillment can begin to reverse that pattern. I also go over the difference between avoidance mode and approach mode, and how small wins can gradually change your mindset toward confidence, optimism, and self-trust.

People Pleasing Goal Setting Anxiety Self Discovery Mindset Anxiety Management

Meet your Teacher

Austin, TX, USA

Meet your Teacher

Austin, TX, USA

Transcript

Hey, What's going on? This is Ish. And in today's talk, I'll be going over two different ways to take back your power after people pleasing. So the first thing is don't take the label of being a people pleaser as something that is who you are. You can just think of it as your habits and your attention has simply been in a certain direction, And we want to now move it in the other direction, Which I'll be talking about in this talk. So I want you to first think about your orientation in the world. And you can think of it like a spectrum. Between going after the things that you want in life and being more self-focused. On one hand, And then you have the other side of the spectrum, Which is more what we call people pleasing behaviors, Where you are so overly focused on other people. And you are also scanning for threats or looking to basically appease other people. So it is a constant vigilance. So we want to bring our center point from the side of wondering what other people think and we're hypervigilant to this other side of being more self-focused and also going after our goals. So let's go over the first step, Which is reclaiming your power by focusing on what you want to do in life and setting a path to achieving that. So when you are people-pleasing, You're constantly worried about what other people think of you and there's this self-monitoring in place. Now, When you start to take your conscious attention back and start to focus on yourself, There can be feelings of guilt associated with that, Especially if you've been involved in a lot of people-pleasing behaviors for a while, You may have this voice in your head saying, Oh, Maybe I shouldn't focus on myself because that is a selfish thing to do. But understand this is completely okay and acceptable, And in fact you can't really serve other people. If you don't nourish your own cup to begin with. And again, Coming back to that analogy of the spectrum, You may think that you're going to this complete other side of being completely self-interested and very selfish. But in reality, You're not. When you first try to do this, You're just taking baby steps towards this extreme other side of putting yourself last and putting other people forward and first. And moving that over to this other side. So you're just taking these baby steps in that direction. So you want to be asking yourself what you want to do. And what would make you feel happy, And then take some small steps towards that. And at first it may feel like you have no idea what you'd like. But again, This is a process of discovery and this should be an exciting process for you because you're now starting to Think about what would make you happy in life, And you're starting to fulfill that. And I want you to reframe the anxiety that comes with this, Because there can be this feeling that, Oh no, I don't know what I'm going to do, And this is a daunting journey. But if you can reframe the feelings of anxiety to excitement, This is actually more empowering. Because biologically, The same feelings of anxiety are the same as excitement. So. When you are now stepping into this unknown territory where you're now starting to see and question, Okay, Is this job that I'm in because, Say, My parents or society told me I should be in it? Or what would I like to do instead? You start to think about these things. There's a period of uncertainty. Now if you can go after and try different things out. With this excitement, Then you'll start to move forward. And this applies not just to your career, For example, But also the places you live in. The friends that you hang around with, And you may even consider letting some friendships go. Your hobbies that you engage in and the different ways you show up in the world. It's a re-evaluation phase. And then you're again, You're moving towards a direction that fulfills you in life. So that's the first step of reclaiming your attention and focusing it inwards and doing things that you like to do. Now, The second step is to shift your orientation in the world. So what do I mean by this? As human beings we have different orientations, One towards seeking pleasure and going after rewards in life. And then we have the second, Which is to avoid pain and to avoid losses. It's two different mindsets. One is playing to win and one is playing to not lose. And both actually have its strengths and also weaknesses too. Now, Typically, If you have engaged in a lot of people pleasing behaviors, You will tend to be more in the side of avoiding losses. And unfortunately, People pleasing has a lot of the same symptoms as powerlessness, Where you are scanning to see how other people perceive you. You are also scanning for threats. You may not want to rock the boat. And this is more of an inhibitory function where you are avoiding losses and pulling back. And this may be an unpopular opinion, But a lot of the spirituality that we study. Can tilt us in this direction of inhibiting ourselves rather than approaching going forward. And coming back to the spectrum analogy, If you're too far on this side of withdrawing, Pulling back, And now going forward in life, This can cause a lot of issues in your life. And it can also cause you to stagnate and pull back and feel scared of the world. And we want to switch this again to feeling more empowered. So the solution here is to switch your gears to more of an approach focused mindset where you are scanning to see what you may like. What are some rewards for the goals I'm going after. And at first you may not know what you want to do with your life like we mentioned but when you start to walk towards a certain direction you will experience some small successes. So when you set some very small goals for yourself, To, Let's just say, Apply for a new job that you've been putting off. Or going out and saying hi to a stranger if you want to work on, Say, Social anxiety. And you're starting to take these very small steps. When you start to take more action in the world, And you set and achieve the goals that you said you were going to do, You will experience this rise in your dopamine levels, You'll feel more excited and more motivated. And you're starting to turn on more of the winner effect and more approach based mindsets. You will also gain in your confidence, Your power, Your self efficacy, And you feel that yes, You can do this. And your sense of control starts to increase in the world. And this is a very empowering because you go from a place of feeling that you don't have enough power and you're a victim of circumstances, To then feeling powerful and in control, And now you're starting to tilt this direction forward, And you feel excited, Motivated, And excited. Feel like you can do the things that you set out to in life. Now over time, As you continue to set very small goals for yourself, Achieve it, And then you're focusing on rewards, You feel more optimistic, This actually will change not only your mindset, But your overall personality. So you actually become more independent, You become more focused, You feel more optimistic, You feel that you're in control. Now contrast this with these opposite qualities that you may have experienced in deep people-pleasing behaviors, Where you feel dependent, And unfocused because again you are scanning for what other people think of you. Then you also are pessimistic and reactive because you again are reacting to other people as opposed to being your own point of origin and doing the things that you want to do. So these are personality shifts that will actually happen as you begin to step into more of a playing to win mindset and reward focused mindset. So again, I hope you like this talk on ways to take back your power from people using behaviors and how to set your own goals in life and how to go after that. So it is a mindset shift and a control of your attention. And again, This comes from taking your attention back from focusing on what other people are thinking of you to focus on your own goals in life and setting and achieving those very small goals, Which will then empower you to go forward even more, Building your confidence. And to become more self-focused and to really evaluate where do I want my life to go. And how can I go forward and not be influenced by others and instead influence my own life? And the journey is the biggest thing. And you'll be very surprised in a very good way to see how your life can unfold when you begin to embark on your own journey in life. Hope you found this helpful. Thanks.