Someone you love.
Calls you in tears.
Because something has fallen apart.
They are going through something difficult.
And before they've even finished the first sentence,
Your mind is already off,
Racing.
Hunting for the right thing to say that will make it go away or make them feel better.
You probably already have the perfect advice or the story about how you got through the same thing.
And I know that it comes from,
You know,
Straight from your heart.
But I believe it's very often.
The exact thing that actually stops them from feeling mad.
I want to talk about that today,
Not to make you feel bad.
Because I know that you're.
You're doing it out of love and care.
I actually do that a lot too.
I think it's a reflex that we all share.
So this video is not about making you or me or anyone feel bad about this reflex.
But I believe there's something underneath.
This whole thing that almost nobody names.
And once you see it.
.
.
It can change how you show up for every person that you truly care about.
Hi,
My name is Kinga.
And I'm a nervous system and a somatic trauma release practitioner.
And here's the uncomfortable truth.
This whole video is about.
So a lot of the time,
When we rush to fix.
Someone's pain.
We are not actually doing it for them.
We're doing it for us.
So let me explain what I mean.
Because This made me feel a little uncomfortable when I first heard it and then I really understood it and I was like okay.
So I think when someone you love.
.
.
Is hurting in front of you.
Something happens in your own body.
Because their pain activates you.
You feel it.
You can sense what they are going through.
Your own nervous system picks up their distress or discomfort and starts to get uncomfortable too.
Because if you watched any of my previous videos,
You know that nervous systems are contagious.
We actually catch each other's state.
So now you're just sitting there with this rising discomfort of your own.
And the fastest way to make your discomfort stop is to make their pain stop.
So you reach for the fix,
You know,
The advice.
The solution.
To reframe the,
This is how I fix this when it happened to me.
And it feels like helping.
It feels generous.
But if you're really honest.
.
.
I think a lot of what's driving it.
Is the need to get rid of the awful feeling.
Of just watching someone you love,
Someone you care about,
Being hurt while you just sit there feeling helpless.
That's the part that's hard to admit.
The fix is.
Often us just soothing ourselves.
And here's the thing,
The person on the other end can feel it.
They can feel the difference.
You know,
The difference between.
.
.
Being met.
And being managed.
They came to you to not be alone in it,
And instead they got handed a solution,
Which quietly tells them that This feeling is not okay.
This feeling is a problem and I need to stop it.
Think about the last time.
You were the one really hurting.
And someone,
Someone maybe you spoke to,
Jumped straight to the advice.
How did that land?
Because for most of us,
It doesn't feel like love.
It feels like being managed,
Being rushed.
Like the other person couldn't quite just stay with us.
Like our pain was a little too much for them.
Now flip that.
Think about the person in your life you can.
.
.
Fall apart in front of.
You know,
The one who doesn't panic,
Doesn't fix.
Doesn't try to talk you out of it.
They just stay.
And somehow.
That's the person that.
.
.
You probably feel the safest way.
That's not a coincidence.
That's the whole thing.
Because here's what people in pain actually need.
And it's so much simpler than we make it.
So they very rarely need us to fix it.
They just need to.
.
.
Not be alone in it.
That's it.
That's the whole secret.
You stay in the room with them.
You let the moment be as hard as it actually is.
And you trust.
That you,
Sitting there,
Steady,
Present,
Is worth more than any perfect thing you could say.
And you also trust them.
You trust them.
You trust their ability,
Their capacity to move through this.
And find their own way.
I think rescuing someone quietly tells them that You don't trust them.
They cannot handle it.
But staying tells them that you know they can.
And I think that's empowering.
There's an image I love for this.
When you sit with someone in their confusion.
Without rushing to solve it.
The whole thing.
Starts to just settle.
Like a breath out,
Like snow globe that's been shaken and then you stop shaking it and you just put it down on the table or you hold it still and the swirling slowly comes to rest.
And more often than not,
The person finds their own way to the clarity they were looking for.
Of course,
With you right there beside them.
But you didn't hand it to them.
You just made it safe enough for them to find it themselves.
This is also what we do in therapy.
Or in my coaching sessions.
So let me tell you how real this became for me recently because I felt it in my own body from the other side.
So I was going through.
Something the other day.
And I shared it with my mom.
And here's something I've realized about myself.
And maybe it's true for you too,
So that's why I'm going to share it with you.
So when I'm going through something,
And I tell someone about it.
I'm almost never asking for advice.
Honestly,
I rarely even like other people's advice about my situation.
I guess I just like to figure it out on my own.
So I'm not complaining because I cannot figure it out.
Myself,
I'm kind of just complaining to them as a release event.
I'm just trying to let something move.
And usually people don't get that at first,
Me included.
So they hear a problem and they hand you a solution.
But this time.
.
.
This was probably the first time when my mom,
When I was telling her about it,
Didn't do that.
She didn't try to fix anything.
She just said.
Yeah,
I can imagine.
I can imagine it's really hard for you.
I'd feel the exact same way.
That's all.
That's what she said.
And then I felt it land in my body instantly.
There was a deeper exhale.
A release,
Like something I'd been holding just let go.
And this sense of being seen.
Was amazing.
Being seen and heard and understood and validated.
That's all I needed.
And suddenly everything felt lighter.
For no other reason than.
That someone that I called just.
Stayed with me.
Stayed with me in it instead of trying to pull me out of it.
So she didn't.
She didn't fix a single thing for me.
She didn't.
She also didn't need to,
But being matte was the medicine.
And that's what I want you to understand.
Being with someone isn't the lesser sin.
Option.
When you can't fix it.
I think being with someone is often the actual thing that they needed all along.
But I'm not going to pretend.
That's staying.
And not giving an advice is easy because it's not.
Staying is actually much harder than fixing.
Fixing can be easy for some of us in a way,
Because it gives you something to do with your discomfort.
But when you decide to just stay,
Not give advice,
Staying asks you to feel your own discomfort and not act on it,
To sit in the helplessness.
Together,
To let there be a silence and not rush to fill it.
Or to watch someone you love,
Someone you truly care about being in pain,
Being hurt,
And trust that they will get through it,
That your steady presence is enough.
When in reality I know that every part of you is just screaming to do something about it.
And that takes real capacity.
And this is where it all connects to the work I teach.
To stay with someone.
To stay with someone else is.
.
.
Big feelings.
You actually have to be able to stay with the feeling that it stirs up in you.
You have to be grounded enough.
In your own body.
That their pain doesn't knock you over.
And you probably also have to be curious enough.
To actually understand or want to understand their word instead of managing it.
And also regulated enough.
To let A silence just to sit there without panicking.
Those are nervous system skills and almost nobody was taught them.
We were told how to help,
How to fix.
How to make it better,
But very few of us.
Were ever taught to just simply stay.
And here's the part I most want you to hear.
Because it's the root of all of it.
I think you can only hold space for someone else.
To the exact degree that you can hold space for yourself.
I learned that in my own work too.
So think about that.
If your own.
.
.
Difficult feelings are unbearable to you.
If the second discomfort rises in you.
You reach for your phone or food or any kind of distraction or a fix.
Then of course you will do the same thing when someone else is there.
Discomfort rises in front of you and you have to witness it.
You know,
You reach to make it stop.
The person who cannot sit with their own pain cannot sit with yours.
Not because they don't love you.
But because they never built the capacity to stay.
So this work.
Like learning to be with someone you love without fixing them.
Doesn't actually start with them.
It starts with you.
It starts with you learning to stay with your own hard feelings.
With your own discomfort.
Without running,
Without shutting down.
Because once you can do that,
Once your own discomfort isn't an emergency anymore.
You can finally sit in.
And someone else's.
Without needing to fix your way out of the situation.
So let me give you something you can actually practice.
In two parts.
Because that's how it's built.
The first part is.
.
.
With yourself.
The next time.
Let's say an uncomfortable feeling rises in you.
And it's safe,
Like nothing is actually wrong or your life is not in danger.
Just,
You know,
Just something uncomfortable.
Practice staying with it a little longer before you reach for anything.
So don't fix it and don't push it down or suppress or numb it.
And also don't distract.
Yourself from it.
Let it be there and let yourself discover that you can survive it.
So that's you building the capacity to stay.
And the second part is with them,
With the other people.
So the next time someone you love brings you their pain,
Try this.
Before you say a single word of advice,
Just be with them first.
You don't need to say anything,
Just be present.
And here's something worth remembering in that moment most of the time.
People aren't.
People aren't actually asking you to solve anything.
They're not coming to you for advice.
They're not sharing whatever they're going through because they cannot handle it or they cannot figure it out.
They are sharing it.
To vent it out,
To release it,
To let it move,
To not carry it alone.
So you don't have to have an answer.
In fact,
Be better at listening.
So many people are not good at listening.
Stop already thinking of what you're going to say.
Listen.
Just create space in your head and listen.
Best is to say nothing.
But if you must,
You can say things like.
.
.
That sounds really hard.
I can imagine.
I'm right here for you.
Now,
That kind of simple validation,
You know,
That,
Yeah,
That would be hard.
I understand why this makes you feel that way.
I think this kind of validation can do more than any solution.
Because it tells their body that you're not alone in this.
And your feelings make sense.
And when someone tells you that it makes sense,
It's such a relief.
And then the hard part,
You know,
Let there be silence.
Don't fill it,
Don't fix it,
Just stay in the room.
Stay in the room with them and let them feel that you are there.
And watch what happens.
What's the snow globe starts to settle?
And watch them find their own way through it.
Simply because you were steady enough to do it.
To stay with them while they needed you.
Not because you gave them the right advice.
And you might notice the urge to jump in,
You know,
The itch to solve it,
To make it better,
To rescue them from the feeling.
Just remember.
That urge isn't a truth.
With just your own discomfort talking.
You can feel it.
And stay anyway.
So if you're one of them.
Let's say if you're one of the big hearted ones,
You know,
One of the fixers,
The helpers,
The ones who feel someone's pain and immediately want to do something about it.
Just please hear this.
There's nothing wrong with your heart.
It's in exactly the right place.
I understand you want to help.
You just reached for the wrong tool.
Because it's the only one.
Anyone ever gave you.
It's what you learned,
Right?
The people you love actually don't need you to be their answer.
They need you to be there.
Company.
And staying safe.
It turns out.
Is the most loving thing that you can learn to do for others.
So this week,
Two small reps.
Stay one beat longer with your own uncomfortable feeling before you reach to fix it.
And next time someone you love is hurting,
Just be with them.
Be with them before you help them or before you offer any advice.
And let the silence sit and watch the snow globe settle.
See you next time.
