Learning To Like Yourself

This podcast is about the journey to liking ourselves. So much of our lives we are worried and acting in ways to get others to like us but something massive begins to shift when we start wanting to like ourselves more than wanting others to like us.

Transcript

My name is Kimberly. I'm your host. If you are new to this podcast, Welcome. Um, This podcast is really just an opportunity for me to outwardly process life. And I outwardly process life from like kind of a Buddhist psychology framework. And my hope is that by me processing my life, That you might have some assistance in processing yours. And if you hear crazy noises, My cats are freaking out this morning. We have moved. And so I don't know if you know this about cats, But you can't let them out for like, It's like four to eight weeks, Um, Because they won't be able to find the right home. Well, I don't know if that's a hundred percent true, But they can get lost more easily because they don't know the area. They haven't like fully sniffed it out or whatever it is. Um, So we are, We are locked in with some crazy cats, But we're very lucky cause we landed on a piece of property. So eventually they will be able to roam free. Um, But welcome today. Thank you so much for being here. Um, Um, Today's podcast is about liking yourself before being worried about others, Liking you. This is something that, You know, Honestly I haven't really, I didn't really learn until probably my thirties, My early thirties. And I kind of wish that I would have had some information or knowledge or wisdom about it when I was a little bit younger. And so whatever age you are, Um, I hope that this podcast might be of some support. And what really kind of had me realize this thing that I have been working on, Whether super consciously or not, Like I have definitely been working on finding more joy for myself and more appreciation for myself and gratitude for myself and love for myself. But I was having a conversation with somebody about my music and I was sharing how I was working when I was a kid and I was just like, I was working when I was living in Denver, I was working with a, I was working with a voice coach and that the voice coach really kind of had a problem with my voice. And there are some like technical issues with my voice. Like there's some, You know, There's some stuff going on in my throat that like I know about so it makes my voice have a very specific kind of sound and vibrato and, And I really love that part of my voice and I recognize that I probably won't be able to like sing forever or that my voice will potentially continue to get worse. Um, But I feel like that's the trade off kind of. Um, So I was thinking about this, I was like sharing to this person that when I was working with this, This voice coach, How it was very often like what would happen is they were trying to make my voice into something else than what it was and how I had to actually, I began feeling this like weird tension of like, Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait. Like that's, This doesn't feel good. And like I'm not sure I want my voice to sound like that. You know, Like that kind of feeling and that kind of, That kind of experience when I would leave. So I would like leave the session and I would start having all these feelings and the feelings weren't feeling great. And I also started feeling really bad about myself. And so I started paying attention to this and what I ended up just discovering about myself and my music is that I really love my voice and I really love singing and that this person wasn't actually the correct coach for me because they couldn't see that and they couldn't work with me in that space and that that's okay. And so I really chose in that moment, Like my own love for myself and my own love for my own voice instead of just continuing through this process that did not feel great. And part of what made it not feel great is just like also the way she spoke to me about my voice. Like there, There were just like little subtle things that I was like, Hmm, That doesn't feel very good. Um, And there wasn't any, There wasn't much celebration of like my voice. It was more like, This is wrong, This is wrong, This is wrong. And I don't like this and I don't like this. And we need to change this. Um, And I really realized that if I did another singing coach, I needed somebody that celebrated my natural voice and then could help me elongate my ability to use it throughout my life. And I was actually singing this morning. There's this really beautiful song. If people don't know Brandy Carlisle, She's like this beautiful kind of folky musician and she has this beautiful beautiful song and it's like, Have you ever stayed into a starry sky lying on your bike? You're asking why? What's the purpose I'm under in my, It's like, Just, It's like this beautiful, Like, Just like I, I when I sing that song, I can actually feel her words and what it means, Like staring into the vast sky, Staring at the stars and like wondering, Like who am I and wondering like, What am I doing here? And I was playing that song this morning and just like really, There's this experience with things in life and it, And I think in psychology they call it flow, A flow experience when you kind of lose, You lose the identification that there is a you doing something and you're just like in the doing of it. You're like just in the experience of your life. And when I play music, I have that experience like almost automatically. It's kind of, It is like, In my opinion, One of the gifts I was gifted when I was born. I feel very grateful for that and I feel like everyone has something like that. It could be reading, It could be, Um, Riding your bike, It could be going on runs, It could be walking in the woods, It could be, Um, Playing with your children, You know, Whatever it is. And I was seeing that song this morning and I kind of like was in this flow experience and I just realized how much my love for myself had grown and how much I have really listened and paid attention to the things that create joy for me and have really followed those things. And I really just like could sit in it and as I was sitting in it, I was realizing how in my early twenties and maybe even my late twenties, How more of my focus in my life was worrying about if other people liked me, Doing things in the hopes that this person would like me. So saying yes to someone, Even though maybe I didn't really want to say yes. Um, Or doing something because I thought that's what somebody wanted instead of asking them what they wanted, Just doing it because I thought that that's what they wanted and I thought that's what would have them one like me or two make them feel good. And how so much of my early, My early twenties and my, Maybe even my late twenties were just focused outwardly on other people and like, What does this person want of me? And can I do it? And, And, You know, Even to the point where I would bend my own integrity, Like maybe I would lie. I remember this experience one time when I was like late to work and I remember recognizing, I was like, Gosh, I was probably like, I don't know, 23 or something. When I recognized like I had a choice, I could either lie about why I was late or I could be honest. And I remember I chose to lie because I did not want the person to lie. I didn't want the person to be mad at me. I wanted that person to like me. I didn't want my manager to be upset with me. And I am just like in such an interesting different state of my life now where where I actually feel the repercussions of doing something like that. Whenever I do something that I think another person wants, Instead of doing really what feels true and honest and right in myself, That actually with that comes karma, With that comes a repercussion. And what that repercussion is, Is usually like guilt or like, Um, Feeling bad or knowing just this like feeling of knowing that I didn't do the integrous thing. And then I have to live with that. And it is this like interesting, It's not, You know, I think, I think these feelings in our body often, You know, People can label them as bad or negative. And for me, They're kind of like a, They're kind of like a like a key of some sort or like a, Um, A compass. They're helping me navigate. I'm like, Okay, I did that. I said that and it wasn't a hundred percent true to like really what happened. And I was like, Ooh, That didn't feel good. Okay. Let's go more this way and let's make sure next time we're more honest, That we're not making excuses that we're just simply owning up to what has happened, Taking responsibility. And all of that comes from really learning to like myself and love myself because when I really like myself and love myself, I can take responsibility for things. Cause like when I mess up, It's not, It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. It doesn't mean that I'm unworthy. It doesn't mean that I'm not lovable or undeserving. It just means, Okay, You messed up. No big deal. Let's let's keep fine tuning these ways in which I am protecting my heart or covering up a mess up. You know, Like it's like fine tuning now, These little things because I recognize that when I die, Um, There's been so much talk about death on this podcast lately, Uh, Which I love. I, It's my, One of my favorite conversations. Um, But I really want when I'm, When I die. So if I, If something happens today and I'm on my death bed, Excuse me, If something happens today and I'm on my death bed, Um, I want to just be able to like look back and really be like, You know what? I did the best I can. Like I really did the best that I can. I really did the best that I can. And sometimes the best is recognizing that I messed up and then fine tuning, You know, Checking in with myself, Like, Why did you say that? I actually had a, I was texting sometime this week and, Um, I noticed myself wanting to cover something up and, And I just sent it, You know, It was like a quick send, Just like sent it. And I was like, Huh, What is that about? And it's like this part of humanity, It's this part of me, But it's a part of all beings. You know, I've worked with a lot of people and I can really see it in most people. It's like, I want to do the right thing. I want, Um, To not mess up. I want to be seen a certain way, To be reputable, To be, You know, And when I do things that don't feel that way, I want to cover it up. It's like, I want people to know that, Like I am, I'm doing good and I'm good enough. And you know, All of these things. And it's this really interesting experience to catch it in the moment to be like, Hmm, Why did you do that? What had you do that? Instead of, Oh, You're a bad person. What are you doing? Oh my gosh, You're going to fail. Like, Blah, Blah, Blah. You know, Like the beating myself up, But instead being very curious, Like, Hmm, Well how'd you do that? And then pausing long enough and listening long enough that I can feel my sense of wanting to belong. I can feel my sense of fear of abandonment. I can feel my sense of I mess, I'm messing up, You know, I can feel all that. And when I can feel it all, I then, Because of my relationship with myself, How it has developed over the years, I can choose to be really kind and gentle and to remind myself that I'm learning. And that this life is for learning and you're doing good. I, I literally, I went on a walk in the woods yesterday, Which for me is like also like singing. It's just like it puts me into a just such a better place in my mental state and in my heart to be outside and to leave my phone at home. That's the key. I see so many people walking in the woods on the phone. I'm like, Which is fine. I get it. I get it. I also like walking and talking on the phone with like my friends, But there's something like magical about just like leaving your phone at home and going into the woods. It's like so primitive. Anyways, I was doing that yesterday and I, There's like this little rock bench and I sat on it and I just like placed my hand over my heart and I was just like, You're doing good. You're doing good. And I think when I didn't like myself as much or when I didn't have such good rapport with myself or such good feelings about myself, That it would often lead to me just berating myself, Telling myself how wrong I am, Telling myself how I've screwed up, Telling myself that I'm going to ruin everything, Telling myself, You're so stupid. You're so stupid. You're so stupid. You're so stupid. You're so stupid. I'm going to run everything telling myself you're so stupid. You know, Whatever it was. And this transition of, And that I want to, I want to preface that all of that negative talk comes from a place of caring more about other people liking me than me liking me. When I care more about if another person likes me than if I like me, I start acting out these crazy patterns that make no sense and cause so much suffering for myself. But when I'm focused on me, When at the end of the day, If I focus on me and I say, You know, I want to leave this day, I want to fall asleep at night today, Liking myself, I automatically change how I am in the world. I'm more gentle with myself. I'm more quiet. I want to listen. I want to make sure I'm making the moves in my, You know, Day-to-day actions that feel okay for myself and treat others the way I want to treat them. Like it becomes this more fine tuned, Like relationship with myself in the world versus I'm just out in the world and I don't really have a relationship with myself and I'm trying to guess what everybody likes and I'm acting out and trying to lie because I don't want this person to be mad at me, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. When the opposite experience, This experience of like, What do I need to do today to really go to sleep liking myself? I automatically, It automatically brings an alignment with how I show up in the world. Because if I'm liking myself, I am my best version of myself. If I'm liking myself, I say no when I need to say no. If I'm liking myself, I say yes when I can say yes. When I'm liking myself, If I mess up, I'm gentle. If I'm liking myself, I, You know, It's like just everything feels more in alignment. And the way that I think I did this, Cause like I talk about this all the time. I've been like talking about this with my, The job that I'm doing right now. I'm having lots of conversations with people and I'm talking about this a lot cause there's a lot of like, I don't want to do something that, You know, I don't want this person not to like me. And that's what I do. I don't want them not to like me. And that's like totally normal. There's nothing like wrong about that. That's a normal human instinct, Right? We want to fit in and belong because if we don't, Then we will become extinct, Right? It's like very normal, Evolutionarily, Like evolutionarily, Evolutionary. It's just a normal human experience. Um, And when I'm not so focused on that, Like I can recognize that it's going to come up, But then I, What I do the practices is noticing when all of my attention is on an external thing or an external person. And when I'm trying to like please that thing or that person, And really what I do is I literally just redirect my attention. So right now we can practice redirecting your attention. So your attention might be on my voice. Now I want you to redirect your attention to your hand, Your right hand. And I want you to just notice what your right hand is doing. Maybe it's on the car steering wheel. Maybe it's, You know, Resting in your lap. I just want you to notice your right hand. What is the sensation in your right hand? How does it feel? How does it feel? That is redirecting your attention to yourself instead of keeping your attention on your external. It is actually that simple. And so what it looks like is when you're noticing that your mind, So the difference is, Is that your mind is completely focused on something that's outside of you. So if your mind is ever like racing or like going down rabbit holes or, You know, Just like this kind of like, This person doesn't like me, What's happening? Is this person mad at me? Am I going to lose my job? Which I totally get. This still happens to me too. But when you notice it, Like, Ooh, Whoa, I am caught. I am caught by this external person. And I'm trying to please this external person. I'm trying to please this situation and I'm trying to make everything right. And then you turn your attention. You say, Okay, I notice where my attention is. And then you redirect your attention on your own heart, Your own self. Okay. What am I feeling? This is the easiest way to do it. What am I feeling? And what do I need to hear most right now? So that I can feel more calm, More at peace. What am I feeling? What do I need to hear most right now? And then if you have the space, You can even say, What do I need to do to help myself? Maybe you need to go on a walk in the woods. Maybe you need to call your best friend. Maybe you need to cry. Maybe you need to take your kickboxing class, Like what, You know, Whatever it is, Maybe you need to eat some vegetables, Maybe you need to drink some water. That's a big one for me. Dehydration can make you feel crazy. P. S. Anyway, So you redirect the attention. What am I feeling? What do I need to hear most right now? And then you tell yourself that thing. You're doing good. You are loved. It's okay. You're learning. This life is about learning. This life is about learning. One of the ones that I started with in my late twenties, Actually probably mid twenties, I'm trying to think whenever I was living in Boston. Yeah, Definitely mid, My mid twenties, Something that I would say to myself all the time. Um, There's this trail in Worcester, Massachusetts, And I would go to this trail and I would run it and I would the whole time just whisper, You are whole, Complete, And perfect. You are whole, Complete, And perfect. And I would literally whisper it to myself the entire run, Sometimes six, Seven miles, Just whispering it, Reminding myself, You are whole, Complete, And perfect. There's nothing wrong with you. And so the more and more that you can bring your attention within yourself and take care of yourself, The more that you build a relationship with yourself, The more that you build an acknowledgement and awareness of what's going on within you and taking care of that. And it's like, It's kind of like a child. It's like when you're, When you have a child, You have to pay a lot of attention to the child. And through that attention, That child knows that you love them and care for them. And through that attention, That's how a relationship builds between you and that child. It's the same with yourself. If you're always ignoring yourself, If you're never paying attention to yourself or the painful parts of your heart or, You know, Whatever it might be, It's going, You know, It's really hard to be in relationship with yourself. It's like the relationship is like mostly maybe a negative relationship. And I want to say, If that's where you are right now, That that's okay. This today is a new day. This is a new moment. You can practice redirecting your attention and how you can practice redirecting your attention. And how you will know is that you feel anytime you feel negative, Your attention is like literally just like cycling through, Thinking about something outside of yourself. And if it is cycling through thinking about something negative about yourself, That's the time to pause to say, Okay, Okay, Okay. Okay. It's okay. Take a deep breath. Get still. What am I feeling? What do I need to hear most right now? What do I need to do to take care of myself? What do I need to do to take care of myself? I want to just let you know wherever you are on this journey, That you are not alone, That we are all walking in the chaos and the unknown in the sadness of some of the world and the, You know, The grief. I actually have been feeling a lot of grief for getting older. Like there's a, There's a lot of grief in aging. And some of that is like in how the body feels. Some of that is in that as you get older, Your responsibilities just get bigger. And there's some grief in that. So wherever you are, Just wherever you are in this moment of your life, I just want you to know that I'm right here with you, That I'm right here with you. And you're right here with yourself. I know, Cause you're listening to this podcast, This random podcast by this random person. And I think I'm going to just end the podcast, Um, With this beautiful song by Brandi Carlile, Cause I just love it. And I love to sing it and why not? You know, I'm probably not going to play my uke just because it can get weird in the speaker, But here we go. Have you ever wandered lonely through the woods where everything just feels just as it should You're part of a life there, You're part of something good. Have you ever wandered lonely through the woods? Have you ever stayed into a starry sky lying on your bike you're asking why what's the purpose, I wonder who am I if you've ever stayed into a starry sky Ooh I I if you've ever stayed into a starry sky So wherever you are today, I hope that you can just find moments to pause and really appreciate who you are, Not who the world wants you to be, Not who marketing is trying to get us all to be, But just this genuine moment of just who you are, How your voice is, How your body is, The work you're doing, The way your kids are, The way your relationship is, Whatever it is that you can just pause and just accept yourself, Building relationship with yourself at the end of the day. We are born alone and we die alone. We are born alone into this world and we die alone, And that doesn't mean that we're alone because we are connected to everything, But it does mean that the relationship that we have with ourselves is maybe the most important. Okay. Y'all I think that's it. You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being here. And until next time.