Comforting Yourself

To comfort ourselves is a practice that one can cultivate for years and years of their lives. Our world tells us to find comfort in people and food and material objects... our hearts tell us to turn towards ourselves and look and be kind. This is this practice. Turning towards yourself. Listening and choosing kindness.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to this conversation and also this practice.

If you find yourself here,

I trust that you are exactly where you're meant to be.

Today we're going to explore giving yourself what you need.

There is a way in which I think most of us,

Me included,

Really look in the outer world to comfort ourselves,

To soothe ourselves,

To make us feel okay about the world,

To make us feel okay about ourselves,

To make us feel okay about our work in the world,

Our relationships,

Whatever it might be.

We're constantly,

Constantly looking outside of ourselves.

The more and more awareness that I have,

The more that I recognize that I can go to the outer world to find that comfort and the comfort is very quick.

It comes and then it goes and it's not actually relieving.

It is kind of a quick fix.

It can be a band-aid.

It can be the thing that distracts us from the actual work of learning to nurture and care for ourselves.

I want to start with just a little story and then we're going to do a little bit of a practice together.

First of all,

It's also really important to know that whatever you put into your system,

It affects your system.

Today I was drinking some coffee and the stimulant of coffee most of the time doesn't really bother me to be honest.

I've drank coffee for a lot of years in my life and today it began to affect my system in this kind of anxious,

Chest heavy way.

I noticed that the second that I started feeling this discomfort in my body that I began to just yearn for affection from my partner and my partner was in the car with me when I started really feeling these feelings.

I really wanted to ask him to tell me that he loves me.

I started feeling this really uncomfortable feeling in my body and I automatically noticed and witnessed that I wanted it from the external.

Instead of asking for affection or asking for comfort,

Which I have done and do,

I decided to really pause and sit with it and just kind of notice that I felt in need of something.

I kind of recognized what I felt like I was in need of which was affection and comfort because I was having these kind of uncomfortable body sensations caused from I think genuinely stimulus coffee.

I also was about to teach a yoga class so I think there could have also been some nervousness added in there in the so called recipe of what happened today.

When I noticed what I needed,

I kind of placed my hand on my heart and I noticed what I wanted him to say to me which was,

I love you.

I am here with you.

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable.

Is there anything I can do for you?

And I placed my hand on my own chest and I began to just whisper those words to myself.

Kimberly,

I love you.

I'm right here with you.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm right here.

What do you need?

Can I do anything for you?

And I noticed that the second that I began to kind of speak to myself and offer kindness and comfort and love,

That I began to feel this like almost like relaxing feeling in my body where my body began to loosen its tightness and to begin to respond to that care and I kind of heard take some deep breaths so I kind of slowed my breath and deepened my breath and I really just,

Well and I'll preface with this,

I have been pretty committed to really working on responding to myself,

Pausing and knowing what I need and responding to that need myself before the quick reaction of trying to find it in the outer world which often might distract me from the feeling and might cause a little bit of comfort in the moment but often that comfort doesn't actually soothe or put salve,

Put this healing salve on what's actually there.

It kind of just might distract me for a moment.

My partner might say they love me and I can kind of like rest in that love for a moment and then it kind of can go away often and then the feelings are still there within my body where when I turn toward myself and I really work on being with myself in these moments of discomfort,

There is like an actual reaction of my body really feeling comforted and almost like the ability to really let go of the worriedness of these body sensations you know because the truth is when we have these body sensations then the mind begins to work like what's wrong,

Am I nervous,

You know what's going on,

It's like it can kind of begin creating story whereas when I just recognize I'm uncomfortable and I need affection or I want affection and comfort and I begin to give that to myself,

There's almost this like rewriting of the story which is I am capable of taking care of myself,

I love myself,

I care deeply for myself,

I'm here and able to support myself and there's something about that where I begin to trust my ability to be with things,

I begin to trust my own body like oh okay I'm feeling uncomfortable but I can handle that,

I can be with that,

I can nurture that,

I can recognize what's going on here without needing to rush to quick reactions which for me can often be you know trying to get comfort and approval from others,

It can also be trying to get comfort from food,

It can also be trying to get comfort you know by numbing myself,

Getting on social media or you know whatever it might be and this pausing and really doing it for myself also begins the habit of tending to myself before searching the world over to tend me if that makes sense,

Like really saying it's my responsibility and I am actually capable of taking care of myself instead of needing to search the world over to do it for me like it's actually everything I need is right here right now and there's something deeply psychologically comforting about that,

It's not the world's responsibility to make me happy or to make me feel calm or to comfort me but actually I can do small practices that begin to teach me that I am whole and complete right here and that this thing happening right here in this own being and body is actually a whole entire cycle that can take care of itself and is okay on its own you know and this is not to say that we don't need others,

We do,

We are very fortunate to live in a world where we get community and companionship and love and care from others for sure it's important yet if the comfort that we seek is out here in the world I'm not sure we'll actually be comforted instead we'll be in the world trying to get things from the world when maybe we can give things to ourselves,

Take care of ourselves,

Learn to really take care of ourselves and then we can just be in the world receiving and giving without resentment,

Without chasing,

Without attaching ourselves to this person gives me this or this thing gives me this it's more of like no no no I'm fine right here in my own being I'm actually taken care of right here and now I can just be in the world with you as an equal not as a I'm needing of you and you're needing of me and we have to have this weird attachment to each other that feels for me it feels often like I don't want to use necessarily the word unhealthy yet it does feel like I'm trying to get something from someone or I need to act a certain way so that I get that thing from someone it feels very like I'm constantly in manipulation mode almost whereas if I can just be okay right here in my own little sphere spending enough time by myself taking care of myself give creating enough space to really pause and do that work then when I come into the world I can just be in the world without my bags and bags of baggage you know that I need to unpack for people or I need people to try to you know calm down and love and tell me that I'm good enough like I already know that because I've done that for myself and I can just be in the world with you not be in the world needing you so much and then maybe from that place we can really learn to support each other as a human race like being there for each other loving each other from this place of knowing that we're good on our own and knowing that the other person is good on their own and there's no fixing that needs to happen there's no changing that needs to happen we can just coexist together and love each other right here in this moment just as it is and so the practices is kind of like I described so if you want to take a moment and just pause and maybe let the eyes shut down and maybe just feel your own breath feel the breath how it moves the body how when you inhale the body kind of moves upward and out into the world and when you exhale the body kind of sinks down and returns to itself it's kind of the same process that we have been talking about of finding this balance of being out in the world while also being in yourself being out in the world and in yourself out in the world and in yourself just watching how the body naturally has this cycle through its breath through its movement and just notice the body sitting wherever it's sitting notice the weight of the bum on the chair or the floor or the cushion and just let the body get relaxed letting any tension in the face go letting any tension in the shoulders or the belly letting it all go for just a few breaths signaling to the body you're safe sometimes it's even helpful to whisper that to the body you're safe it's okay you're safe you can relax you're safe and maybe think of the last time that you needed or wanted comfort and maybe it's now maybe you feel like you need comfort now or maybe something happened a few days ago where you felt you really needed comfort whatever it is just bring it to mind just kind of bringing back into your experience whatever is occurring in your life that feels like wants to be comforted maybe it's at night when you have sugar cravings or cigarette cravings or maybe it's when you put on clothes and they're a little tighter than you want them to be or maybe it's when you're going to a job you're questioning or when your partner is busy and can't show you the love and care that you hope for whatever it is just bring it to mind and just notice what emotion is here if there are emotions for me it can often be anxiety or fear or even apathy sometimes and I want you to just notice the sensations in the body not judging them but actually noticing the actual sensation so for me a lot of times it's pulsating in the heart it can be warmth in my face or my hands a rumbling in the belly just notice what the sensations are and just see if you can be with those sensations for a breath or two it can be helpful to even ask can I let this be here can I let this be here and maybe place a loving hand on the body wherever you might feel the sensation or wherever it feels most comforting sometimes it's super comforting for me to place my hand on the back of my neck sometimes it can be super comforting for me to place a hand on the belly or the chest just placing a hand offering yourself a hand like hello I'm here babe I'm right here maybe whisper that to yourself I'm right here I'm with you feeling your own touch hearing your own words and right here I want you to just ask yourself what do you need most what do you need to hear most what are you in need of most and just listen carefully for a few breaths and right here I want you to practice giving yourself the thing that you need maybe it's care or comfort and attention whatever it is practice using words practice using touch practice using breath right here begin giving yourself what you need saying I can give myself what I need I love you I'm right here with you now if you're someone that can't hear what you need know that this is okay and normal just keep listening and keep thinking what would be the most comforting loving thing I could say to myself and if you do what you you do know what you need keep practicing right now giving it to yourself this is your only job to practice being with yourself when things are hard when things feel uncomfortable you As you hold yourself and continue to be with yourself,

Something that is so comforting to me that I'll share with you is reminding myself that I will not leave you.

I will not leave you when I am here with you.

I'm right here with you.

You are safe and I'm right here.

Taking some deep,

Slow breaths.

Maybe pushing your hand a little bit deeper wherever it is.

Pulling yourself a little bit closer.

Knowing that at any time when you feel uncomfortable that this practice might just be the thing that you actually need.

That maybe our discomfort is nothing but the body saying,

Hello,

Are you here with me?

Hello,

I need some comfort.

Can you be with me?

And instead of running into the world seeking comfort,

You can turn toward yourself with open arms.

With the widest open arms.

Taking some deep,

Deep breaths.

You can begin to open the eyes,

Move the body,

Come back into the physical plane,

Come back into movement in the body and maybe even look around to see the lighting,

See the colors,

See the shapes.

And I just want to recommend that as you go through this day that you just notice when you're uncomfortable.

For me,

It happens multiple times a day.

Just noticing when something makes you feel uncomfortable.

Bringing awareness to that discomfort and then practicing turning toward yourself.

Asking what do I need?

And then giving yourself enough space and time to practice actual self-nurturance,

Actual self-care.

Returning to this as often as you need.

Have a beautiful rest of your day.

Reviews

Thank you so much for this, it was just what I neede in this moment!! A beautiful, instructive acknowledgment and reminder that when we need comfort, we have the capacity to provide it to ourselves instead of looking outward for distraction or attachment. So helpful and comforting!!