How To Get More Intimacy In Relationships

This talk is about initmacy and connection in relationships. In my work, as a life coach, I see so many people trying to change their partners. This is a story about how to stop doing that and what you can do instead to create more of what you really want!

Transcript

Today we're going to talk about relationships because it's one of my favorite conversations and today specifically we're going to talk about Why you want your partner to change?

Why you want your partner to change and So maybe we'll start the podcast by just having you think for a moment Just we'll pause and we'll have you think for a moment in What ways have I desired or do I desire?

My partner to change and if you're not in a relationship You can think about this from the aspect of your past relationships.

How have I wanted in the past?

My partners to change and And just maybe pause and think about it for a moment So I don't want to give you too much time in your head or your brain Even if you thought of one thing that's that's perfect to begin to think about and explore this topic and I want to just remind you that I Don't think that I have all the answers These are just kind of observations that I have made doing life coaching over the last decade and also Just from my own personal experience so much of this podcast is just my own personal experience So we're gonna start kind of at the back end or like the start of this conversation Which is that most of us are attracted to people who are different than us in some ways Obviously there's gonna have to be some similarities probably to bring two people together But oftentimes we are attracted to people who are different than us who?

Maybe act differently than us or process emotions differently than us or Talk in a different way than us Like we're actually attracted To difference so that's where I'll start right so a lot of relationships are kind of born out of this interest or desire to be close to someone who has Attributes that are different than you and it's because it's intriguing right.

It's like oh this person Doesn't talk as much as me mmm.

They're mysterious right.

It's like it's intriguing Or oh this person's really active,

And I've always kind of thought it would be amazing to be really active Like whatever the case may be or like oh this person has money And they have a job that they love and that they've really developed in and I've I've always been curious about that And I haven't done that yet,

So we're we're attracted to we're interested in being near and talking with people Who are different and so oftentimes you know relationships like I said are kind of birthed out of that and then we get into relationship and And maybe I don't know let's say the intrigue lasts.

I'm gonna.

I'm gonna give it a long Lasting maybe it lasts about nine months.

That's long.

I would say often.

It's like three to six Where we're like oh this intrigue is like still intriguing you know,

But it's often it.

There's like a turning point when you really get to know someone more and more and more and all of the sudden You begin noticing that the things that really intrigued you about them might start annoying you like Why don't you talk when?

You have a problem like I really liked that you were more quiet and silent and intriguing But now I want you to talk.

You know you know what I'm saying if Hope that people are like shaking their head because I'm definitely shaking my own head It's like these things that attracted us Then it's kind of like you know those magnets were like on one side it attracts And then if you just flip the magnet,

It's the same magnet,

But if you flip it it repels It's like that and so these attributes that we were really attracted to that intrigued us Now that we've gotten to know the person and kind of the excitement has worn off Well now those things can trigger us can You know turn us off can annoy us and so I want to kind of begin diving Into like what is it?

What is it about these?

Attributes that are first were attracted to and now We're kind of repelled by what to do with those because oftentimes especially in our culture People at that stage in relationship.

It's kind of a make it or break it stage It's kind of like once you start feeling annoyed or repelled by your partner's Behavior your boyfriend your girlfriend's behavior your husband's behavior then a Lot of times what we'll do is we'll kind of go one of two ways.

We'll try to change the person Well,

Maybe we'll go three ways actually maybe I'll talk about three ways.

We'll try to change the person We might try to change ourselves like to be more like that person Or we leave the relationship Because now this person that I was so intrigued by oh,

I just want nothing to do with them right and we've all been there We've totally all been there And so what do we do with this desire to want to change our partner?

Well,

I want to suggest a few things that I think are kind of underneath underlying About it and kind of maybe offer you a tool or two to really help you navigate those waters It's kind of like when we first You know start dating someone or with someone the waves are exciting.

We're like,

Oh,

This is different Okay,

We can like ride the waves and it's exciting and then is it you know builds the relationship builds We oftentimes just like we don't like the waves.

We don't want the waves,

You know,

We kind of it goes into the kind of The normal human behavior that we reject what we don't like And we try to pull closer and closer to us the things that we do like Right,

And I know I've talked about this on many other podcasts this kind of human Natural response of what's good.

We want more of what's bad.

What's annoying?

What's bothersome we want to push away or get away from and so my Hypothesis and I have like there's like a few aspects of this hypothesis But my hypothesis is that we begin to repel our partner's behavior Because actually we don't have tolerance for difference and So there's a way in which we can see this in the world We can see that when things are different than us right like let's just talk about politics I'm going to talk about politics for like five seconds,

So don't worry.

Don't don't leave me If somebody has different political views than you Oftentimes we try to change that person's political views or we just get annoying and we just get annoyed and we say I Don't want that person in my life Right so maybe you block them on Facebook or you know whatever whatever we do and now and nowaday culture And so my hypothesis is that it's actually the same in relationship That when you find yourself repelled By another person's behavior your partner's behavior and you can you know Intimate relationships are just microcosms for the bigger thing I just want to be very clear about that so what's occurring in your in your relationship is this it's actually a microcosm of a Macro thing that you can begin to interact with and play with in your life Which was why I think intimate relationships are so powerful is because we can kind of Play it's in some way a like a a playground to learn bigger life things I really love that about personal relationship personally so Right so you have this kind of like interesting Thing that begins to occur where this behavior that you used to love now begins to annoy you and I want to suggest that it Has nothing to do with your partner It has nothing to do with your partner now I want to make a caveat if somebody is abusing you I'm not talking about abuse I'm talking about just people's day-to-day behavior You know like somebody leaves a toilet seat up or somebody is more silent when they are feeling agitated or How someone washes the dishes right or just I'm talking about daily like just living with somebody I'm not talking about abuse or anything like that.

That's a different conversation But if the person's behavior is just their behavior Then there's a way in which That I want to suggest that it's not your partner's behavior That it's actually Your partner's behavior that it's actually your inability to be with difference and then there's this other part and or Your inability To be able to set boundaries make requests Have actual conversation have real communication between you and your partner But we're gonna start with the with the inability to be with difference Now this is something that I think every human being We are going to have to start learning if there is going to be any shift in change in the world as a whole Toward a more loving world a more accepting world a more peaceful world This is where it must begin Which is how we respond when we get uncomfortable When in relationship to another person And I want to start this conversation by really Experiencing thinking about our ability to expand Our ability to Our ability to expand being with difference And not only being with difference,

You know,

We could almost we could almost interchange the word difference with discomfort To expand our ability to be with discomfort That when somebody is acting in a certain way That that's just you know,

That's over there.

So actually has nothing to do with you.

It's over there It's almost like I love to say this phrase like it's none of your business But what is your business is how that person is being how it interacts with you So this person let's say says something And then how their words How their words land on you that is for you to begin to notice Recognize have awareness of So let's say somebody says something like um,

Actually I'll just I can just use a real example so like my partner the other day Literally were sitting in the in the living room And I'm we had just woken up so I'll preface with that We had just woken up and I had had this crazy dream and so i'm excited telling my friends I'm excited telling my partner about this crazy dream I had And literally he's listening.

We also we we heat our house with a wood fire stove So he's he's starting the fire and i'm telling about this dream and i'm all amped up You know how we get when we're excited about something and he responds with sounds like a dream So his words sounds like a dream right you can even hear it in my in my uh,

How I say it Like you can begin to get the essence of how it hit me right.

It's really good to notice So he says sounds like a dream the way that it landed It really hurt my feelings and it was interesting because so it landed and all of a sudden I get all these body sensations Right,

So when somebody does something and it lands on us often it it's the very first initial thing is that we start having body sensations So I started having these body sensations like being uncomfortable in my body and kind of this like flight response So I actually I walked out of the living room.

I didn't even say anything to his response I walked out of the living room and went to the kitchen and we had dishes in the sink from the night before so I just started washing the dishes And as I was washing the dishes I really began to notice like ooh like literally this is these were my thoughts I don't know if this relationship is gonna last I'm gonna have to like move back to Arkansas I like I mean that it went from me telling a dream him saying three words sounds like a four I guess sounds like a dream right four words And me being in flight mode planning to break up move away it seems extreme right but this is what humans do this is what humans do And so like in that moment I was paying attention how did his words land on me and I began to feel like okay this I'm in flight mode I can feel I want to I want to flee What's going on and I began to kind of investigate myself I began to feel the feelings so as we begin to feel our feelings instead of reacting to our feelings This is the expansion part we're expanding our ability to be with discomfort to be with difference to be with that my boyfriend says things that I might never say That he he is his own person and that he gets to respond and be his own person however he wants to be And that so it's now my job to notice how it landed and investigate and be curious so I was like sitting with all these feelings I was like ooh I can really feel I like want to fight flight And when we want to fight flight freeze we have to remember that the nervous system literally begins to shut down processing parts of the brain so when we're in that mode you know a few things that can be really helpful is to do something so me washing the dish When we're involved in movement the movement actually reactivates the processing parts of the brain so we can do movement we can take a walk right like that's always a good option to blow up some steam We can nurture ourselves so we can begin to slow our breath it's really effective we can place a hand over the heart and begin to talk really kindly to ourselves also really effective So I'm doing the dishes and I'm like what is going on you know so I kind of start talking to myself like it's okay it's okay just look and see what's here it's okay you don't need to react it's okay right I'm like having this this whole conversation with myself and when my breath kind of slowed down and my heart rate kind of slowed down that's how you know the nerves the nervous system has kind of switched off back to kind of relaxed mode I asked myself like what was that about like what what was I feeling what was I believing in that moment and I kind of sat with it and what I really saw is is that I felt ignored I felt uncared for and as a child in a big family that was often a feeling that I had feeling like nobody was listening to me feeling like I was always being ignored and I really could feel that again and so I felt the discomfort of that I kind of took some breaths and nurtured myself and really like I remember I came back and sat on the couch and I closed my eyes and I placed my hand over my heart and I was just like I'm listening to you I hear you I hear that you really thought that dream was interesting and important right I just started really talking to myself I started being in communion and friendship with myself and so my eyes were closed well then Jordan you know he got done doing the fire and he came and sat next to me and it was interesting because I could notice there's still like this little bit of a door shut toward him and so I decided to open the door and I just said to him you know I really just I want I want to just share that I just got my feelings hurt and he's like oh you did and I said yeah you know I was sharing about the dream and you said sounds like a dream and I said and I really felt like ignored and for me that dream felt very important and I was kind of laid out why I told him the dream felt important and he you know automatically when I opened the door and just shared you know he was like oh I'm so sorry like I think it was just first thing in the morning I was still kind of sleepy you know I am really sorry I didn't mean to have you feel like you were being ignored and in that moment of me just sharing but listen here's the thing you'll notice I didn't share like this you said this I got my feelings hurt like you'll notice that the way I approached him both honored me and it honored him which I think is what boundaries really are boundaries are creating a container right so if you have water and you're trying to drink water you have to have a container for the water so cup is a boundary it's a loving boundary that allows you to partake in something and so in relationship a boundary can often be a container where you create this container safe container a safe boundary and honored boundary honors not only you but it honors the other person as well which means not lashing out at them not saying the boundary in a really hurtful way not trying to set a boundary to create control or to manipulate but you'll notice that the way that I created the boundary was like,

Hey,

When,

When I was saying this and you said this,

This is how it really landed in it.

And I want to share,

Because and I told him this too you know,

I told him,

I'm sharing because I don't want to be closed off to you.

I want to remain open in this relationship.

And his response,

The way that I shared.

Now I want to be very clear for a second of time.

There,

You know you when somebody brings up any sort of boundary or any sort of sharing of something hard.

There's going to be moments when the other person is processing,

And that's when the person that's setting the boundary the person that sharing,

Aka me in this situation,

Where we have to hold space and be patient for the other person's processing,

Especially because I know my,

I know my boyfriend,

He processes slower than I do.

And that's okay.

There's nothing good or bad about that.

It's not like I'm better because I process quicker.

No,

It's just we are different.

So this is another moment of being able to expand our ability to be with difference that if I bring something up,

And I bring it up in a really loving genuine way that then I need to give him the space and the time to process that information.

And the coolest part about this specific scenario is that as I shared,

I was completely freed.

Because one I had already done my own work,

Right?

I had figured out what was going on.

I had nurtured myself.

I had taken care of my own heart.

And the sharing wasn't sharing to change him.

The sharing wasn't to share so that he would have a different response.

That's actually not why I shared.

I was already taken care of.

I shared so that I would reopen myself to him.

And I want to say that that process doesn't always need to be shared.

Sometimes we can still remain open.

Sometimes it's a little bit harder.

So sometimes I may not share with him.

I might just do the internal work.

Other times if I feel like maybe like the door is still a little cracked and I want to blow it back open so I can be open and intimate and loving with him,

Then I might share,

But I share in this really welcoming way.

Like come on in,

Babe.

And when I did,

He responded with care and it took a little bit.

It took him a second or two to kind of take a breath and realize that I'm not telling him he did anything wrong.

So ladies specifically,

This is,

You know,

If men are listening to maybe I'm wrong,

Please tell me if I'm wrong.

But a lot of times ladies are men or whoever you're partnered with.

I know this specifically from a male female relationship.

Men often think that when we bring something up that they've done something wrong.

And so they begin reacting because they feel like they've done something wrong.

Whereas if we can begin to learn to communicate with them,

Like,

Hey,

Babe,

You have not done anything wrong.

I say that to Jordan all the time.

You have not done anything wrong.

I love you.

I am so happy to be in relationship with you.

And this was my experience.

Very different way of communicating.

And so I began,

You know,

By opening the door and slowly,

Right,

Having patients being able to expand into the discomfort of the heat processes slower than I do.

I had the patients and I held,

I held myself in the discomfort because I was taken care of.

This is the key.

I took care of myself first,

So I didn't need anything from him.

I did not need anything from him.

So he got to be autonomous and free and I was free.

And slowly I just opened,

Blew the door open so that we could have connection again.

And it was really kind of beautiful because the way,

You know,

Usually what we do as humans is we feel uncomfortable.

There's some difference that another person is expressing.

And because we don't understand their difference and we don't understand how it touches us.

Right.

So he said,

It's,

You know,

Sounds like a dream.

And I did,

If we don't understand how that lands on us,

Then we just go into reactive mode and I call reactive mode delusion.

We have no idea what's actually going on.

We're just reacting.

And the point of pausing,

Really pausing and saying,

Okay,

How did that land?

What's going on within my own heart and my own being?

And then communicating that in a really spacious,

Loving,

Vulnerable,

Beautiful way.

And then there's a third part of also really wanting to understand your person,

The person that you love,

The person that you are with.

It's like wanting to understand them.

So there's a way in which I wanted to understand what had him respond that way.

And when he said that he was just,

You know,

Tired,

It was first thing in the morning,

He was,

You know,

Having trouble following my dream because it was a crazy dream.

I like began to have compassion for him.

Like,

Oh,

I totally understand that.

I totally understand.

I could feel my energy.

I was very amped up.

Right.

And I'm like kind of coming at him at 5 a.

M.

And how that might be hard to take in at that time.

And so it opened me up also to compassion.

And so I began to expand my ability to be with him just as he is.

You know,

The second that we want to change our partner,

Really,

You know,

What I what your mantra might be is the second you notice you want to change your partner is you could say something like,

I'm trying to make my partner like me.

And do I want to be with me?

Or do I want to be with them?

When we try to change our partner,

Really what we're trying to do is we want them in that moment to be like us so that we can feel comfortable again.

But then you've got to really think about the the actual repercussions of that,

Which is then you would just be dating yourself or married to yourself,

Which is,

You know,

If we think about it,

If we're really honest,

Is quite egotistical.

And that's probably not actually what we want.

What we actually want is to be nurtured,

To be heard and to have connection.

And so you'll notice I want to again,

I want to again,

Like lay out the,

You know,

The process I took.

I noticed first,

First is awareness.

You have to know how stuff lands on you.

Whenever we're in relationship with anyone,

We love as human beings to focus on the other person.

You know why?

Because then we don't have to deal with our own discomfort.

You will get nowhere.

You will get nowhere if all you do is focus on the other person and you don't start dealing with your discomfort.

How another person is is not your business.

How they land on you is completely your business.

So really beginning to investigate like,

Hmm,

That didn't land too nicely.

What's going on in here?

And being compassionate with yourself and curious with yourself.

And then nurturing yourself.

So first was awareness.

Okay,

That didn't land.

That landed weird.

Okay.

Taking some breaths,

Speaking really kindly,

Getting the nervous system switched back to kind of rest digest mode.

And then investigating what what you know,

What was going on there?

Oh,

I felt ignored.

Oh,

That's a childhood trigger.

I know that about myself.

Awareness,

Awareness,

Right?

The nurturing that part of yourself.

What does that part of myself need?

It needs to be told that it's not going to be left.

It needs to be told that it's safe and that I'm listening to you and I'm here.

Right.

It needs befriending.

So we befriend ourselves.

We take care of ourselves.

And then if it's right,

You know,

If you feel that you can communicate with your partner,

Here's here's what I mean by right.

If you feel like you can communicate with your partner.

In a loving.

Kind way.

That opens the door to connection.

It doesn't slam it more shut.

That opens the door to connection.

Then sharing from that place where you free them and you free yourself.

And I want to I want to be really clear about communication.

So something that I always do,

Hopefully this is helpful,

Is I always reassure my partner when I'm sharing something hard.

Here's why.

Because we all like a soft place to land.

You would appreciate the same gesture.

So really gently giving them a soft place to land like,

Babe,

I love you so much.

You have done nothing wrong.

You are so wonderful.

And this is how this landed on me.

And I can feel myself being a little closed off to you.

So I want to reopen to connection.

And then you give them the soft place to land and you leave the door open.

You get your patient with them.

You let them take their time.

And the really beautiful thing about this specific scenario is that later in the day,

Like actually at dinner.

So this happened first thing in the morning.

So at dinner,

Jordan then came to me and we talked even more about it.

Like it had taken him,

You know,

Maybe not the entire day.

Like,

I'm sure we just came together at dinner.

Right.

But it took him throughout the day thinking about it.

And then he came back and we were able to even deepen and become more intimate.

Even more.

And I want to say this is because I was totally taken care of.

The second I shared it with him,

I did not share it with him because I needed anything from him.

I shared it from him because I knew it would free me.

And I wanted to open the door right back open to connection.

And I was already free.

I didn't need anything from him.

So like if we need something from our partner in that moment,

You have to be specific.

Like,

Hey,

Babe,

Can you hug me?

Or hey,

Babe,

Can we,

You know,

Can we come back and talk about this in an hour?

Because I need to talk about it more.

But I didn't need anything from him because I had taken care of it on my own.

Sometimes we can take care of things on our own.

Sometimes,

You know,

We might need a little bit more,

Which is fine.

It's just how you approach the more.

Not manipulating it out of the person.

Not like withholding your love.

You know,

Something that I have done totally in the past is like I need love.

But what I do is kind of like withhold love.

So then it's kind of like this cat and mouse game.

It's like if I withhold love from them,

Then they begin chasing me.

That is not fair.

That is manipulation.

But what's not manipulative is to take care of yourself.

Expand your ability to be with the difference of your beautiful partner because you want to be with this different person.

You don't just want to be in your room,

You know,

By yourself all the time,

Because that's what a relationship with a person that's exactly like you is like.

You want to be with this beautiful person that has differences.

And so we're expanding our ability to be with the differences.

And what this does is it expands our ability to be with the difference of life.

The other people that we meet in life are going to have big differences.

And that's actually 100 percent OK.

And it's beautiful.

And it's healthy.

And we want that.

We really want that.

And so just maybe take a moment to think about the ways in which you have maybe acted these ways and don't don't beat yourself up like we all do this.

I mean,

The only reason I have learned through this process is because I've had lots of growing pains of acting in ways that weren't skillful.

And it's like through the acting of ways that aren't skillful,

I have learned better ways,

More connective ways,

More skillful,

Intimate,

Vulnerable ways to really be in communication and to really be in partnership.

But it's taken me a long time.

A long time.

And knowing that that's OK and being patient and kind with yourself.

But the very first part of this process is being really honest.

Being really,

Really honest with yourself and then taking care of yourself and then sharing with your partner what was actually going on,

Not just reacting at your partner.

And so maybe think for a second,

Maybe we'll just be silent for a second of like maybe you are in a weird place with your partner right now and maybe you did react.

And maybe this is a moment where you can pause.

And you can say,

Hmm.

What's actually going on within my heart?

What tender place in my heart,

Vulnerable,

Tender place in my heart?

Got hurt.

What hurts?

I love that question.

I love that question.

What hurts?

And nurturing and taking care of what hurts.

We can only free ourselves.

You hold the key to your freedom.

And your partner is just like,

You know,

The salve that you put on that helps the wound heal.

But he or she doesn't have the key.

You have the key.

And then the embrace of another,

The connection of another is this beautiful salve that just helps things heal and helps things remain open and healthy.

So maybe asking yourself,

Like just right now,

Like if you are feeling tender,

Like what do you need most?

What do you need to say to yourself?

What words would be most helpful?

Or do you just need to hold yourself?

Place a hand on the heart or place a hand around your own arms,

Hugging yourself?

What do you need?

And this isn't,

This is almost like about expanding,

But it's also about being willing to really be intimate and in relationship with yourself.

And I think the more that we're willing to be intimate and in relationship with ourselves,

The less that we'll want to change our partner.

The more that we can expand and be with difference,

The less we'll want to change our partner.

The more that we'll see their differences as beautiful and beneficial to our lives.

Making us,

You know,

Making maybe not us,

But our lives more interesting,

More dynamic,

More beautiful and whole.

I hope that something in this podcast resonated.

I am so grateful for each and every one of you.

I pray that you do your own internal work,

That you become your closest,

Most intimate confidant.

And then you gently open the door to invite your partner in to that connection and that intimacy.

OK,

Until next time.

You.

Oh.

Reviews

So clear and on point. She operationalized the process for the life task from Alfred Adler of two people building a and intimate relationship together.

Oh my….THIS is quite ‘soMEthIng!
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I will relisten to explore and grow MY awareness, notice MY responses (wounds!) and be curious… WOW 🥰🙏🥰 so many splashes of ‘miracles’ in this talk 🥰 Thank You for creating and sharing such profound awareness xxx truly grateful to discover this xxx
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caught me off- guard. Not what I was expecting. I’ll be back for sure!

So amazing I love and not love it😆😆😆👏🏼👏🏼 so insightful and raw. 💗🤯

Great podcast. So helpful with ways to deal with differences