Self-Sacrifice For Love?

"Yes, I had this wonderful partner but I no longer had myself." This is a personal story about how easy it is to lose ourselves in relationships and how hard it is to give ourselves what we really need. Are relationships really all about sacrifice? Can't we get what we need and grow our relationship at the same time?

Transcript

For a really long time,

I believed I wanted to be alone.

That life was easier that way.

It's definitely easier to keep peaceful,

Easier to keep my house clean,

Much less messy,

Less things to deal with.

I thought that was how I wanted my life.

Easy,

Simple.

I wouldn't even have more than one pet at a time.

I just didn't want to deal with the mess.

What I realize now is that what I had created was a life I could control.

It wasn't like I really loved being alone.

It's just that I knew how to do it really well.

There was nothing to disrupt the system I had designed.

I could manage it.

And I really thought I preferred life this way.

My mind did anyway,

But my heart craved love.

When I let myself dream,

I envision this beautiful partnership in my future.

The most loving,

Authentic,

Grounded,

Raw,

Passionate,

Deep and soul stretching partnership.

The kind that's really worth having.

So I decided to try something.

I decided to try having a partner again.

And I got one.

I'm pretty good at manifesting these days.

So when I set my mind to it,

It seems to happen pretty quickly.

So I removed the blocks and he showed up.

And it was amazing.

It was everything I asked for.

And then after this whirlwind romance and a road trip across the country that made me love him even more,

I asked him to move in with me into my super tiny house with one bathroom and very thin walls.

I guess I just thought I could live my life like I was on a permanent vacation.

I could just let go of my routines,

My schedules,

My sense of privacy,

My alone time,

My constant need for cleanliness.

All the things that I've always really counted on to keep myself feeling balanced,

Feeling like me.

But I was in love.

He was wonderful and we had so much fun together.

How could I not want that every day?

And so he moved in.

A few months went by and I started struggling.

I couldn't find my center anymore.

I couldn't find myself.

There just wasn't enough space for me in this house.

And the only way to feel okay was to just ignore it,

To suppress how I was feeling.

And so that's what I did.

I wasn't sleeping,

But I just kept going.

I didn't feel connected to myself,

But I just kept going.

I started to notice myself slipping into some codependent behaviors.

No longer able to feel connected to myself,

I looked to him for the love and validation I used to feel from within.

And that's a slippery slope.

The more we disconnect from ourselves,

The more we rely on others to make us feel whole.

And that's a really scary place to find yourself.

I had become a version of myself I did not like.

I wasn't a good partner.

I felt like a zombie.

I was struggling.

And it made me wonder how many of us continue to suffer for the sake of a relationship.

I know that I'm not the first person this has happened to.

I had this man that was everything I dreamed of and yet I wasn't okay.

Not at all just supposed to be okay after he showed up.

Yes,

I had this wonderful guy,

But I no longer had myself.

I could have just ignored what I was feeling,

Continued down that path with him,

Merged into one human,

Stopped thinking for myself,

And eventually we get the same haircut.

You know the story.

But that wasn't the partnership I dreamed of.

I dreamed of two people coming together as the best versions of themselves that they could currently be and then growing together as they became even stronger versions of themselves.

But that's not what was happening.

Unfortunately my heart and my higher self were in a battle.

I would ask him to leave and then I would ask him to stay.

And we went back and forth like this so many times I've actually lost count.

Every time I said I could do it.

I would find a way to make this work for me because I loved him.

And every time I wound up back where I was before.

Lost,

Sad,

Tired,

And knowing something wasn't right.

I was ignoring my needs and my higher self was saying,

No you will not.

We will not allow this.

But my heart didn't want to lose him.

My heart was afraid that if I really went through with what I thought I needed it would mean I'd end up alone again.

And that's the thing about asking for what you need.

It feels scary and it feels risky.

Even though we know the real risk is in not asking for what you really need.

So after many conversations,

Many tears,

And a few almost breakups,

He moved out.

And my heart is heavy.

I keep wishing I could have just been different in those moments where I was falling apart.

That I could have just made it work.

Maybe I could have done this or I could have done that.

And it's so funny once you get what you need and you start to feel better.

It's hard to remember what was so hard before.

But the only reason I'm feeling okay now is because I got what I needed.

I believe that relationships are our greatest teachers.

I believe we manifest what we need to experience and what we still need to learn.

I believe we are magnets for others that are here to show us something about ourselves.

Asking us to step into something greater.

Asking us to grow,

To learn,

Or to master.

We subconsciously manifest opportunities for our own evolution.

And yet when things get tough,

As they always do,

We like to blame life for giving us a hard time.

But it isn't life.

It's our own being asking us to level up.

I wonder what I needed to learn from this.

Was it to lighten up?

Was it that everything doesn't need to be controlled?

That it's okay to let go of some of my structure sometimes?

That I can do hard things?

Maybe it was trying to show me that I can ask for what I need and that can actually turn out okay?

That I can bend much further than I thought without breaking?

That I can still get by when it feels like everything that holds me up is falling apart around me?

And yes,

I am so grateful to have really learned all those things.

To take that growth with me as it's made me a stronger,

More wise,

More experienced version of myself.

I learned that there's a difference between what we can withstand and what is really best for us.

Yes,

I was surviving,

But I wasn't thriving.

And I learned that in order to build that deep,

Raw,

Real partnership that's worth having,

That requires some struggle and that requires some real darkness sometimes.

I'm not the same person I was when I asked him to move in with me.

And I think that's pretty much the whole point in anything we do.

It's not about the thing.

It's about how it changes us.

I think we're just here for these journeys,

These moments in time where we are being asked to choose differently,

To level up,

To evolve,

To learn,

To empathize.

That feels like actually living to me.

Reviews

Thanks for sharing your insight, Kate, it was devastatingly relatable. Be well.

An unexpectedly insightful meditation on an infinity riddle.

Question:
are the heart and higher self not ONE?
was the lesson/growth to perhaps level up IN the relationship amd not leave?

Just curious🙏🏼

This talk was so on point, this is where I currently am, wanting to live my life alone, not having to worry about someone else’s happiness, fulfillment only my own. I find myself very content and will just see what the universe bring forward.