Okay,
I'm going to teach you something that has absolutely changed the trajectory of my entire life.
I'm going to teach you the new and updated truth about attachment styles.
Imagine you get a text from someone you care about and it says,
Call me.
We need to talk.
That's all it says.
What immediately happens in your mind and body?
Do you think something's wrong?
Do you think,
Oh my gosh,
Like,
Are they mad at me or something?
Do you ignore it completely because you feel like you don't have the capacity right now for a big conversation?
Or do you even get annoyed because you feel like they're interrupting your peace and they're too much?
Or do you assume it's good news that they may have something to share?
Or do you simply think,
Okay,
Let me just call and see what's up without a lot of drama.
Your response to that text message.
Call me,
We need to talk.
Says a lot about your default attachment style.
Now,
Your attachment style is a pattern that your nervous system has learned to help you feel safe in your relationships.
But the good news is this can be softened,
This can be changed,
And this can be updated.
And in this session,
I'm going to teach you the new and updated truth about attachment styles,
Not the oversimplified internet version of attachment And I'm even going to point you to a free test that you can take to learn exactly what your style is today.
And by the end of this session,
You're going to understand the four main attachment styles.
And more importantly,
You'll understand why this matters way beyond just romance.
Because what people don't realize is that your attachment style also affects your work,
Your creativity,
Your confidence,
All of your relationships,
And most importantly,
The energy you have.
To go after the things that you really want in your life.
You going forward to what you really want in your life,
You stepping forward towards what you really want in your life is dependent on your attachment style.
And I think that might surprise some of you.
And so I want to take you into a teaching that's gonna break all of this down.
Let's get into it.
The best way to understand attachment is to think about it like this.
In the attachment world,
We have two dials.
One dial is anxiety,
And the other dial is avoidance.
And the anxiety dial says and thinks things like this when something goes on.
Is everything okay?
Am I in trouble?
I'm nervous.
Am I going to get abandoned?
Is somebody mad at me?
Am I safe in this relationship?
Do they still love me?
Did I do something wrong?
This is the anxiety dial when it's turned up.
The other dial,
Avoidance,
Asks things like this.
Am I losing my freedom if I get too close into this relationship?
Am I losing myself?
If I get too close in this relationship?
Can I really trust these people or this person?
Can I really trust that it's easier to ask for support?
Would it be easier if I just handled this all by myself instead of asking for help?
And so the four attachment styles that we're going to talk about today are basically different combinations of these two dials and it exists all on a spectrum.
So I'm going to guide you through all four.
Listen closely.
Number one.
Anxious.
Anxious attachment is high on the anxiety dial and low on the avoidance dial.
And it's like your relationship radar and your relationship sensitivity is turned all the way up.
And so if you're like this,
You notice every little shift in someone.
I'm like this in some ways.
You notice a shift in their tone,
Every change in texting pattern,
Every period at the end of the sentence.
And the thing is,
Your brain makes all those little changes mean something.
You're attuned.
You care deeply.
You're invested.
And that level of attunement can be like a superpower.
It's a huge gift.
It's like you're so sensitive.
You're so intuitive.
You notice things.
That other people don't even see right away.
The thing is,
When your nervous system gets activated.
.
.
You start making stories up.
You start seeing danger when there's actually no danger there.
You start making things up in your head and getting all overwhelmed,
And so you get all worked up and all stressed,
And your superpower becomes your kryptonite.
You get all stressed and all worked up before you even get the details of what's actually happening because you're making all of this anxiety up or you're making up all these stories in your head.
So when you get the text like,
Call me,
We need to talk,
An anxious person will likely think like,
Oh my gosh,
Are they upset with me?
Is something wrong?
They must be pulling away from me.
They're going to leave or we need to talk right away because I need to fix this now.
And you can't even stop like thinking about and ruminating about the situation until you finally talk to make sure everything's okay.
It's like you become completely preoccupied.
And this is the main thing about anxious attachment.
You can get totally preoccupied when you're anxious mentally with your relationships.
And if your mental and nervous system energy is preoccupied and stressed about your relationships,
That's mental energy and emotional energy and creative energy and nervous system energy.
That is leaking and isn't going toward the things that really matter in your life.
It isn't going toward your vision and your dreams and your goals.
All right,
So this gives you a sense of anxious attachment.
Let's talk about the second attachment style.
Avoidant.
Avoidant attachment is high on the avoidance dial,
Low on the anxiety dial.
And if you're avoidant,
This is like a person who really values independence,
Really values self-sufficiency,
And really values having their own space.
It's not about introvert,
Extrovert,
This is more of a way of being and how you see yourself relating to other people,
Whether you're an introvert,
Extrovert,
Or something in between.
Somebody who has a more avoided attachment style is a person who's afraid of losing themselves in a relationship.
I'm gonna say that again.
A person with an avoidant attachment style is someone who is afraid of losing themselves in a relationship.
So you might be a person who's great in crisis.
But needing people yourself can feel uncomfortable.
And even though you might be incredibly capable at things,
And everybody thinks you have it all together.
You have trouble relying on others because depending on others can even feel annoying or hard.
Or untrustworthy or difficult.
So with the text that I mentioned earlier,
Call me,
We need to talk.
If you're avoidant,
You probably think things like,
Ugh.
What now?
Or,
Gosh,
This person is always so needy.
Or,
I just got home.
This is my me time.
I'm just going to have to deal with this later.
I'm going to avoid it.
Or you don't even look at the text at all.
And what this tells you in your mind is like,
See,
This is why I like being alone.
And all of this is all before you even know what's going on.
And so the avoidant pattern doesn't mean you're like cold or a mean person or you don't want to relate with people.
It's just a nervous system that learns.
I stay safer when I stay self-reliant.
All right,
Let's talk about the third attachment style,
Yeah?
So the third attachment style I want to discuss is called fearful avoidant.
This is the most updated name of the combination of the two dials,
Which is high anxiety and high avoidance.
And this one can feel a little confusing at times because part of you deeply wants closeness and the other part of you is scared of what closeness might cost you.
So you might reach for someone and then pull away,
Or you might crave intimacy,
But then when somebody actually gives you the intimacy that you've been craving and gets really close,
Your nervous system says,
Wait,
I'm not sure if I like this.
And so someone with this kind of attachment style,
You will long for connection,
But when you get connection,
It gets overwhelming and you back off and back away.
And so with the text,
Like,
Hey,
Call me,
We need to talk.
A fearful,
Avoided person might think something like,
Well,
Let me pull away first so I'm not the one getting rejected.
Or let me just act like I don't care,
Even though this really hurts me and I care a lot.
Or let me bring up a problem before they bring up a problem.
Or the big one.
I knew I shouldn't have let myself even need them this much.
That's fearful avoided.
Caught between longing for closeness and protecting itself.
From closeness and heartbreak.
Now let's go to the fourth attachment style.
Last,
But most certainly not least,
Secure attachment.
Secure attachment is low on the anxiety dial and low on the avoidance dial.
Secure means you have just very little drama about being close with people.
Secure attachment means being close to people doesn't automatically set off your alarm system in your nervous system.
Secure people,
Ask for support without shame.
They can give people space without turning it into a whole story.
They can be really close to people without losing themselves.
They can be independent without pretending they don't need people too.
And let me be clear,
Secure does not mean you never get triggered.
Let me say that again.
Secure does not mean you don't have problems and never get triggered.
Secure means you can stay connected to yourself.
And stay connected to others even when things get uncomfortable.
And so with a text that says something like,
Call me,
We need to talk,
A secure person's response might be something like,
Okay,
Let me just call and see what's up without a whole lot of drama.
Or you might even just assume they have something good to tell you.
When you're secure,
You don't automatically experience relationships as dangerous.
It's rare for someone to be all one thing or all another on the dials.
And that's why these four quadrants of anxious,
Avoided,
Fearful,
Avoided,
And secure are just there to give you this strong differentiation between them,
Not to become labels.
And what the science actually shows is you'll likely have a combination of these things.
That's why they're dials.
They're like a spectrum and you'll land somewhere differently on these spectrums depending on What's going on in your life and who you're related to and here's the biggest thing?
This is the biggest thing to know and why I'm teaching this to you now is that you can change your attachment style.
I'm going to say that again.
You can change your attachment style.
There are specific tools and specific practices that can help you change your attachment style.
And I know this personally.
If I had taken the attachment quiz,
Which I'm about to tell you about in a minute,
Before doing all the healing and attachment work that I've been doing on myself for the last eight years,
I would have been anxious with a capital A when I first took this test.
The dial turned all the way up,
Baby,
Okay?
But now,
I'm much more secure in my life.
But when I get triggered,
I still lean a little anxious.
It's a part of my system.
So I wanna be clear,
I don't teach this from a pedestal.
I'm teaching this because this work has absolutely changed my life,
And I know when you dive into it,
It can change yours.
And this is the reason why this matters so much.
And this is what's the latest in the research,
Actually.
This,
That I'm gonna tell you now,
Is the part that people miss.
Yes,
Attachment helps with romance.
It helps with your partnerships.
It helps with love.
But it is so much bigger than that,
And that's what all the research is proving.
What all the research shows is that your brain is constantly looking for where to spend its resources.
And if you're anxiously attached,
You spend so much of your mental energy scanning for rejection and overthinking and checking and worrying.
And if you're avoidantly attached,
You spent so much of your energy trying not to need anyone,
Trying to be so self-sufficient that you actually cut yourself off from the actual support that would help you rise.
And if you're fearful,
Avoid it.
You spend so much of your energy doing both of these things,
Going back and forth.
And in all of those three types,
All of that energy gets drained and you don't have this energy to use to go further in your life.
The attachment research,
What it shows is that people who live a secure life.
With secure attachment and have secure relationships.
Listen to this.
Actually take bigger risks.
They often go further in their lives because when your relationships become more secure.
You have a secure base,
And the hard things feel less hard,
And your nervous system doesn't have to work so hard,
And your brain is freed up so the resources can focus on other things,
On the things that you deem important,
Not just that you're just reacting to in your environment.
From your trauma.
Let's learn your attachment style so you can move forward.
Here's your practice for this month.
Instead of a guided practice,
Which I normally do a guided meditation here,
I want you to actually take this time to take the attachment quiz.
It is a free quiz.
I'm putting a QR code up here on the screen.
And when you click the link in here,
There are two quiz options for you.
One is a virtual version of the attachment quiz.
And the other is a printable PDF version that you can save and either do by hand or do on your computer or your phone.
The same quiz,
Just different formats depending on what you like,
And it takes literally just a few minutes.
You can go through it now right when this video is over.
But here's the key.
This test is gonna show you where you fall on each of the dials,
But do not use your result as a label or an identity.
This is the biggest mistake that people make is using their result as a label or an identity.
We don't do that.
Okay.
The point of all of this is how can I use this information?
To learn where I am now so I can learn what would help me move forward toward greater security in my life.
And the research has learned and shown us that there are really practical tools that can change your attachment style.
And to me,
That's the best part of all of this.
And the best part of the research is to learn how we can go from wherever we are now,
If we have more of an insecure style,
To know about it and then move ourselves into greater security,
Greater relationships,
Greater well-being.
So let's talk about how to dive deeper into that now.
All right,
So let me talk to you about how to dive deeper into this work.
So first and foremost,
There are two books that I have personally read that have absolutely changed my life.
This one is Attached,
Which many of you,
I think,
Probably have heard about.
It's one of the original big books on this topic.
And then the second one is called Secure.
And it is the newer book from the same author,
Same person who wrote Attached,
Dr.
Amir Levine.
And these books are incredible because Attached kind of brought this subject into the a public light in a really big way.
And then secure is the latest research all these years later,
Which takes all of the attachment styles and then brings all the new science and tells you how to actually use your attachment style to get more secure.
It's incredible.
The things that they've learned from this book to this book will absolutely change your life.
So as we close,
I'm going to offer you a really special song.
And this song is a prayer to you,
But it's it's a pop song that you might know,
And one that you might be surprised about for the end of this session.
It's actually Always Be My Baby by Mariah Carey,
Because not only is this just such a good song,
And I feel like you'll be able to hear all four attachment styles,
If you listen closely,
Showing up in the lyrics.
And I don't think you're actually,
Once you listen for attachment styles,
Ever listen to this song the same way again.
And so this is Always Be My Baby.
So this is a little Mariah Carey.
One of my favorite songs.
But I'm going to do it a little differently.
This has always been my baby.
Here we go.
Do do do do do do do do do do do do you.
Do do do do do do do We were as one,
Babe For a moment in time And it seemed everlasting That you would always be mine Now you wanna be free So I let you fly Cause I know in my heart,
Babe Our love won't ever die You will always be a part of me I'm part of you indefinitely Boy,
Don't you know you can't escape me Ooh,
Darling,
Could you always be my baby?
Linger on The feeling is strong,
No way you're ever gonna shake me Cause you'll always be my baby No pain I ain't gonna cry,
No And I won't beg you to stay If you're determined to leave,
Boy I will not stand in your way But inevitably You'll be back again Cause I know in my heart,
Babe Our love won't ever end You'll always be a part of me I'm part of you indefinitely Boy,
Don't you know you can't escape me Ooh,
Darlin',
Cause you'll always be my baby And we'll linger on Feeling this strong,
No way you're ever gonna shake me Cause you'll always be my baby Here's a little Mariah Carey for you,
Ready?
I'm so alone you You and I will always be You and I will always be Cause you'll always be my baby Do-do-do-do-do-no Cause you'll always be my baby So.
.
.
Whether you lean more anxious,
More avoidant,
Or more fearful avoidant.
You can become more secure.
We don't have to demonize that part of you.
That sometimes feels insecure.
We just have to teach it to become more safe.
And so to close today,
I want you to just take one hand over the center of your chest,
Right over your heart.
One hand over the top of that.
Close your eyes if you're comfortable doing so.
And take a deep breath in.
And a breath out.
And then just ask yourself,
What is the one golden nugget or key takeaway that you're taking from everything that we've learned?
In this session today.
Once you have it,
Just take a deep breath in.
And a deep breath out.
When you're ready.
I invite you to open your eyes.
Your attachment style.
Is not a life sentence.
It's just your nervous system's old way.
It's its old strategy.
For being in relationship,
For being close,
And it may just be the right time.
Right now.
To start updating that strategy together.
I hope this helped you all so much.
I love our community so much.
This is Justin Michael Williams signing out.
Thank you so much for being here with me.
Bye for now.
