Kept Taking Stock Of Ourselves, And Did It With Compassion

This is a talk on step 10 of the 12-step fellowships, which states "We continued to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admitted it". This is the first of the maintenance steps and is all about integrating the previous steps into an ongoing, daily practice.

Transcript

All right,

Take two.

Step 10.

We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

So you might immediately think,

Well it's best not just to just to not be wrong so that I don't have to admit anything.

And you might be right.

However that's probably not going to be the case.

You've got to this point,

Cleaned up your side of the street,

Made amends,

Addressed some maladaptive coping mechanisms that the 12-step programs so gently call character defects.

You've become willing to turn those over and this is all after having identified the singular but very more likely poly addiction state that you were in and seeing that that wasn't a tenable solution to living and turned that over to a power greater than yourself,

You know,

After coming to believe that some sort of power,

Something,

Somewhere out there,

Moon,

Stars,

Buddha,

Jesus,

Allah,

Krishna,

Kali,

Ganesha,

Whatever,

Insert thing,

Could restore you to sanity.

You've made it to this point.

You've made some amends,

Haven't got slapped in the face because you followed your mentor's guidance.

And you're thinking,

Well I've cleaned up everything now.

Probably not.

I mean,

If only it were that easy.

If only it were that clean and neat.

And you know,

Maybe there's a person out there that like goes through this process and it's just like radically transformational and the first time they see like,

Oh wow,

Like I'm a liar and I'm really lustful.

And like as soon as awareness is granted,

Just turning away from all those behaviors and turning into a new way of life and fully surrendering and never look back.

I've never seen that,

Personally.

But I don't know.

I'm open.

I'm open-minded.

I need to be.

So all that said,

The tenth step is,

You know,

It's the first of the maintenance steps,

You know,

Maintaining all this work,

Maintaining this new life,

Maintaining focus,

Maintaining our intention,

You know,

Our intention that we set back then in those steps to follow this new path,

Follow this new way of life.

To trust in my higher power.

To trust in my higher power as well,

For me,

Is still gonna guide me in the right direction.

Even though I've come so far.

Even though I've changed and developed,

You know,

Changed and developed,

Grown.

Even though my thinking now is actually fairly rational.

I'm actually pretty good at discerning what would be harmful and what wouldn't.

You know,

Like I'm not lashing out at people,

Maybe.

I'm not doing stuff that hurts me and others,

Maybe.

You know,

I'm like doing alright.

And still,

Being willing to say that my higher power,

He's gonna guide me right.

And it's easy to fall off this,

I mean,

I speak from experience here,

You know,

Like after getting what is commonly known as the five-year know-it-alls,

I was like,

Man,

I got,

Like,

I'm doing well.

I got this.

I can,

I can manage my own stuff now.

And that's true to a point,

You know.

And it's much like you might say about addiction itself,

Where there's nothing so dangerous as something that almost works.

And like for me,

That was addiction to a T.

You know,

Like it almost got me where I wanted to.

You know,

I see it so much now.

In Buddhist lens,

You know,

We have like what's called right samadhi,

Which is collectedness of mind,

You could say,

Or absorption.

And it's like absorption in something wholesome,

Whether it's the breath,

The intention of love and kindness,

Maybe generosity.

And there's just like this presence of mind,

Just here,

Presence,

Collected.

There's not just wanting or avoiding or restlessness.

There's none of these things.

You're just here.

And it's very wholesome and beautiful and empowering.

And the thing with like various addictions,

Like for example,

Pornography,

Like it was,

It was like a,

It was like,

It was a unwholesome facsimile of that.

Because I could get lost in it for so long and just,

And I wouldn't be in worries anymore.

I wouldn't be in thinking about what I needed to do or what I shouldn't do or what I should do.

You know,

Those nattering parts of my mind were just quiet.

And sometimes I'd lose myself for hours.

When I was using drugs,

I'd lose myself for days looking at it.

And,

And,

And that's why it was so seductive,

Because it was almost like wise samadhi or wise collectedness,

You know,

It could give the impression of it.

But the difference of course,

Is because with,

With collectedness in a wholesome way,

It doesn't leave me in craving.

It doesn't leave me with a crash.

It doesn't leave me wanting more because I'm absorbed in the actual reality,

Like actual reality.

Like maybe I'm absorbed in the breath.

Like that's,

That's something real and sustainable.

The breath doesn't leave me until it does.

The breath's always with me.

There's no,

You know,

There's no,

There's no addiction component,

But with,

With addiction,

The only way to get that again was with more addiction.

So it was quite a tangent I went on there and bringing it back to managing my own life after having some experience and so forth and how it might be so seductive not to follow my higher powers will anymore because I've got this.

And it's much like that,

That unwise collectedness,

You know,

Because,

You know,

At least in my lineage until I'm fully awakened,

Going towards my highest self is still the most helpful thing,

You know,

Like,

And you could say this with other lineages,

I'm sure,

Right?

Like until I've become fully Christ-like,

I need to keep emulating Jesus,

Whatever.

Because there's,

There's still,

There's still room.

And that's why we take these maintenance steps.

You know,

That's why I keep taking inventory.

And,

And,

You know,

Like we've also learned at this point that like taking an inventory is a loving act,

Is a kindness.

It's an,

It's an opportunity for compassion,

Opportunity for compassion.

You know,

One might look at an inventory and see like this list of 40 questions.

It says like,

Where did I go wrong today?

What did I do that I wish I didn't do?

What could I do differently?

Was I in resentment?

Was I fearful?

Was I this?

Was I this?

And one might,

If having,

And,

And,

You know,

That's where it comes back into like those adaptive mechanisms of shame and guilt or whatever,

Guilt,

Maybe not,

But shame.

And like remembering like,

Oh,

Like that's not where I want to operate from.

I want to operate from love and compassion and equanimity and peace.

And then looking at these questions as an opportunity,

If I've,

If I've fallen short of the mark to then offer myself compassion,

To like offer myself self-love,

To like,

Oh,

It's okay,

Sweetie.

You missed the mark today.

I still love you.

You're still enough.

You're still doing great.

You are good to offer myself all these.

And this is how I practice today.

I practice my step 10,

Not every night.

I would like to tell you,

No,

Actually I wouldn't like to tell you that because it's not what's happening.

That was just some character patterns there.

But I practice my step 10 a lot of nights.

I have a bunch of questions that I wrote for myself that are relevant and it changes.

And when I'm not meeting up to them,

It's an opportunity to be kind to myself and loving.

And that's so often missed.

You know,

Like there's so many people in so many different recovery groups that I've heard that are just like,

Yeah,

Like step four was a way for me to just like develop self-hatred and like no room for like thinking of positive traits and all this.

And like,

If I can do anything for anyone,

It's to,

If I can do anything for anyone out of this,

It's to offer something alternative,

To offer a lens of love in this process.

Because hate can't conquer hate.

Only love can do that.

Some famous wise person said that I can't remember,

But it's true.

My opinion and experience,

You know,

When I'm clenching,

When I'm like,

When I'm,

Man,

I remember,

I remember when I was a kid,

I just hated myself so much for being a chubby kid.

I was a fat kid.

And I remember,

I think one time after a girl broke up with me,

Like,

I just like was looking in the mirror without a shirt on.

I was like punching myself in the stomach.

I hate you.

I hate you.

And like,

I didn't,

That didn't help me change.

It didn't help me get like lose weight or improve my relationship with my body.

Cause like the losing weight was like,

You know,

That's like a,

That's what we think is the right thing culturally,

But really like improving relationship with my body is the thing that helps that.

Right.

It's like loving my body,

Loving myself in spite of what I think is quote unquote wrong with it.

And that same day,

I think I just like got so mad.

I went for the first run of my life and I just like ran full speed around the block and then was tired and like,

Didn't do that again for years.

It was like,

Cause I didn't know that you're supposed to like jog,

You know?

So like,

That's just an example of like how hate was just so ineffectual.

Like hate,

Hating hate,

Hate plus hate equals hate,

Hate plus hate,

You know?

Um,

But it was then later,

Like many years later that I started looking in the mirror and looking for things I liked about myself.

I was like,

Oh,

You have really pretty eyes self.

Like,

I really like your smile.

Like I,

You know,

Like all the things like this,

I started with physical things,

But it was a process of self loving.

And you know,

You could say that was some inventory work right there.

So step 10 process of love,

Compassion,

And it doesn't matter.

And there's no,

There's no benchmark.

There's no like,

Oh,

I've quote unquote failed at this many things on the list.

So now I don't deserve compassion anymore.

No.

If I like do every single thing wrong on my checklist,

That's just that much more opportunity to practice compassion.

It's like,

Wow,

Baby,

You must have really had a hard day.

If you were acting in all these security,

Safety seeking behaviors,

Like it must've been like really challenging today.

And I'm so sorry that you had a day like that,

Where you were reaching for this and this and this and this and needed to protect yourself in all these ways.

I'm here for you.

I love you.

I'm here for you.

I love you.

Even just saying those words out loud and hear myself say them.

It just feels soothing.

It feels soothing.

I've suffered enough.

Haven't you?

So,

Like I said,

I use the,

I make my own checklist and a lot of it now is reflective and like a lot of it still is like asking like,

Oh,

Like,

Have you done these things that are good?

And a lot of them are just like,

And some of them are even like related to the world around me,

You know,

Like practicing some Buddhist stuff,

Right?

Like,

Can I find anything to celebrate in the world today?

And that's like the practice of that appreciative joy,

Being happy for the happiness of others.

Cause sometimes there isn't always stuff to celebrate in my life.

So I can,

I can borrow some joy externally.

I have a couple questions on there that are just designed to make me laugh.

And they do most of the time.

And I,

You know,

Like,

I think it's,

You know,

I've been at this,

You know,

A decade or more,

Um,

15 years,

I guess.

And,

Uh,

At this point,

You know,

Like I've read through a few pre-programmed guides and I just like,

Yeah,

I've taken what's relevant for me.

And for a time I just used guides every day,

You know,

But this has been,

Um,

Another act of self-love.

So,

You know,

If you're getting a theme here about self-love,

You're getting what I'm saying to you.

You know,

One principle that isn't often associated,

I don't think,

With this step is trust.

And,

Um,

You know,

I think that through this process,

Trust grows,

You know,

We can start to trust in ourselves,

In others,

Because trust truly comes through being trustworthy,

Doesn't it?

Isn't it the case that if I'm a liar,

I'll suspect that others are lying to me or taking advantage.

Isn't it the case that if I'm infidel,

That I practice infidelity in my relationships,

I don't know,

Then I'll suspect others are doing the same.

Oh man,

I'm going to leave that in there.

So then if I build trust within and if I act trustworthy,

Then I might start believing that others are trustworthy and I might start trusting myself and I might start trusting in life,

Even though things are uncertain,

You know,

Without all those old patterns and mechanisms that have been designed to keep us safe.

And I've said that before and I'll say it over and over again.

All those things,

Lust,

Malice,

Impatience,

Intolerance,

Indifference,

Arrogance,

Vanity,

Pugnacity,

Retaliation,

Self-pity,

All these things were designed to make me feel safe in an environment where I didn't feel like there wasn't safety.

There was instability,

Lack of clarity,

Misunderstanding.

So all these things make me feel safe.

So when,

You know,

We one day at a time turn to our higher power,

To a program instead of these things,

It can feel very uncertain and still does for me.

I feel very uncertain,

Very scary.

And so like learning though,

And even in spite that,

If I follow this way,

I have nothing to fear and leaning into that,

You know,

It builds on the faith and the hope that we started to establish in steps two and three,

Three and two,

Excuse me.

And we can let go into,

You know,

Just trusting and knowing.

And eventually people will start to trust us.

You know,

It's like,

There's always so much humor around like,

And people get,

You know,

People get clean and they're still mad that their partner or their spouse like won't give them their credit cards after like getting a 30-day chip.

Like,

God,

I've been clean for 30 days.

You were robbing your family for 10 years,

Sir.

It's going to take a minute.

No shame,

No judgment.

I did it,

You know?

And it took a minute to get some trust.

And not only that,

I mean,

Like for me,

After being in recovery and relapsing sometimes,

Like I remember like when I was nine months clean the first time,

Well,

Whatever.

But like after nine months clean and I'd built some trust back,

It's like I borrowed some money and got high,

You know,

Borrowed some money from my dad and got right back at it.

So,

I mean,

Like,

You know,

Like these things will shake the trust,

You know,

If we don't act in our integrity.

Yes,

This is just an ongoing practice of keeping our side of the street clean.

And when we inevitably do human things,

Taking accountability as soon as we can,

As long as,

Once again,

It doesn't cause any more harm.

You know,

Like if I speak out in anger and I realize that I really want to like fix it or if I come and even coming from a place of wanting to fix it can be destructive.

You know,

Like I need to like deal with what's going on inside,

Feel my feelings,

Understand what's going on for me,

And then I can make like real amends.

Because,

You know,

It's easy to just like want to fix it and say like,

Oh yeah,

I did this blah blah blah.

And that's,

You know,

That's not the worst thing,

It's not horrible.

But there's a deeper level available,

Deeper level of self-investigation rather than just intellectually understanding,

Oh,

I did something wrong,

I need to apologize.

But recognizing I did something wrong,

What's going on,

Why did I do this,

What am I feeling,

What am I repressing,

What am I not wanting to feel as a result?

Like,

You know,

What am I not wanting to feel that caused me to do this?

And then I can make amends.

So,

In conclusion,

Yeah,

It is helpful to,

You know,

Like do a nightly inventory with a guide for a while.

And then the idea is just to like continue to take personal inventory like as we go.

And that's just like checking in with ourselves,

Like how am I feeling,

What's going on,

Like am I practicing principles today?

You know,

Like I find it helpful to like think about like making conscious connections of principles.

Like,

Oh,

Like I'm going to see this person,

I have an opportunity to practice maybe wisdom,

Compassion,

Patience,

Tolerance,

Depending on who it is.

And then like setting my attention towards those things,

Cultivating those new wholesome qualities on the,

You know,

Preloading them,

Knowing what situations might be difficult.

Like,

Oh,

Okay,

I'm going into a board meeting,

I don't know,

That's never something I've done,

But I don't know.

And it's going to be like really stressful,

So I can practice patience,

Practice loving kindness,

I can practice equanimity.

And making those conscious connections can be really helpful.

And,

You know,

Just as we go and checking,

Like I said already once,

But checking in with our body as the day goes on,

You know,

Like when I'm with people that are a bit unpleasant or scare me,

You know,

Like I'm like trying to be mindful of my body in real time and listening to those messages,

Listening to the part of me that's like,

Okay,

Like this conversation,

I'm done with it,

And I need it to be over,

And honoring that.

Rather than,

Because like if when I don't listen to my inner voice,

When I don't,

When I say yes,

When I mean no,

Or when I want to say no,

When I let conversations go on longer than I want them to,

Or feel comfortable with,

Or feel secure in,

Parts of me inside get mad.

And so that's part of it is going along my day and honoring what's going on internally.

And it gets easier and easier as we go with practice.

So just do your best.

That's enough.

You're enough.

If it seems hard,

That's okay.

It doesn't need to be perfect.

So I wish you well.

I wish you peace.

I wish you love.

I wish you curiosity and courage,

Calm and compassion.

See ya.