Chapter 7 Is It Me or Is It Them?
Brad refuses to do chores,
Ditches school,
And won't touch homework—all just to punish his parents.
And he readily admits it.
His mother sits across from me,
Exhausted.
Dark circles under her eyes tell the story of sleepless nights spent wondering where they went wrong.
His father stares at the floor,
Jaw clenched,
Trying to hold back years of frustration.
We've tried everything,
His mother whispers.
Consequences,
Rewards,
Therapy,
Taking everything away—nothing works.
It's like he wants to destroy his life just to hurt us.
She's not wrong.
That's exactly what Brad wants.
When Spite Becomes a Lifestyle For Brad,
What started as a power struggle over the tiny details of teenage life has snowballed into a spiteful way of living.
His parents,
Overcorrected with an elaborate system of punitive chores and restrictions,
Built on the idea that he had to learn how to take responsibility.
Brad was living a shell of an existence,
Stripped of phone,
Video games,
And friends.
He occasionally snuck out and got high,
But then he would get caught,
Get punished,
And the brutal cycle would repeat.
The maddening part is Brad could have stopped this cycle quite easily,
But due to the complex web of his troubled psychology,
He wasn't able to do something different.
Meanwhile,
His parents were caught in their own triggers,
Completely unsuccessful in getting through to him.
The war began over one specific battleground—his friends.
He loved them.
His parents hated them.
For Brad,
His friends were there for him no matter what,
Not like his family,
Who punished him,
Judged him,
And caged him.
Those kids are from broken homes,
Do drugs,
Are going nowhere in life,
They'd say to Brad in hopes of convincing him to not see them.
And there it was.
They hated what he loved.
Influence is created by connection.
When there's no connection,
Influence gets weaponized by whoever has the most power—in this case,
Brad.
Brad was willing to go further than his parents in order to win this power struggle.
He would sacrifice the most important aspects of his life—school,
Well-being,
Freedom—in order to make his point,
You can't control me.
A month after our first session,
Brad's parents called me in a panic.
He'd been arrested for possession of cannabis.
As they drove to the police station at 2 a.
M.
,
His mother finally asked the question she'd been avoiding.
What if this isn't about him?
What if we're a part of the problem?
It was the most relevant question she'd asked in years.
The mirror we don't want to look into.
That question,
What if we're a part of the problem,
Is where lasting transformation begins.
It's also the point where most parents want to run away.
Because if Brad's story feels familiar,
If you recognize that dynamic of escalating power struggles and mutual destruction,
You're not alone,
And there are clear steps you can take to remedy it.
Here's what I've discovered working with thousands of families who experienced moments like this.
The patterns you see most clearly in your kid are usually the ones you're blind to in yourself.
Your inner state directly impacts your teen's inner state.
The most powerful and most destructive aspects of yourself are the ones you're least aware of,
And we pass on to others what we don't see in ourselves.
Does some part of you get bothered when your kid breaks a rule,
Doesn't do homework,
Lies to you,
Or does the million other things most teenagers do?
If so,
It's okay.
All of that can be very objectively frustrating,
And when this frustration happens a lot,
It means you're reacting from your own wounded places.
The mirror test.
Look at unhelpful patterns that exist in your kids.
They can be victims to their world,
They give up too easily,
They don't do things that are hard but good to do,
They're quick to react and judge others,
They live attached to their phones,
They're stubborn and self-absorbed,
Or they aren't willing to see how they contribute to their problems.
The hard part is now looking at how you have those same patterns inside of you.
They probably don't manifest in the same way,
But rest assured they're there.
Maybe instead of being attached to your phone,
You distract yourself from feeling discomfort in other ways.
Maybe you don't gossip like your kids,
But you silently judge other people,
Or you're very hard on yourself.
Or maybe you don't blame other people or circumstances so passionately and obviously as your kids,
But you still find yourself stuck in the same unfulfilling relationships,
Dynamics,
Or circumstances in your life.
And somewhere you might be tired of it.
If part of you bristles even considering this possibility,
Then it might be a confirmation those patterns exist in you.
The universal family truth.
In every family who is stuck,
Parents deny within themselves the same qualities the kid struggles with.
Here's some examples.
The righteous dad.
A middle-aged dad scrolls through political news and his jaw tightens.
Those politicians with their arrogant know-it-all attitudes make his blood boil.
He storms into the kitchen muttering about idiots running the country.
What can't he see?
He's just as righteous as the politicians and convinced of his own moral superiority just like them.
He unintentionally teaches his son that being judgmental and righteous is more important than seeking to understand or self-reflection.
The judging mother.
A mother drops her daughter off at school and notices other parents in luxury SUVs.
She thinks they are judging her for having a modest sedan,
But they're not.
She just isn't aware of how judgmental she is toward herself and how much she puts that out onto the world around her.
Her daughter absorbs this defensiveness and learns to assume others are always criticizing her,
And she too learns to be highly critical of herself.
The judgy grandmother.
A grandmother explains to her granddaughter how important it is to accept people as they are.
Don't judge others,
Honey,
She says.
Twenty minutes later,
The granddaughter overhears her grandmother whispering on the phone about how dramatic and immature her granddaughter is.
The granddaughter feels the sting of her judgment and learns that even people that say they love you can hurt you.
She learns not to trust people's love.
We place onto the world what we refuse to see within ourselves,
And as a parent,
You want unintentionally pass on the rejected parts of yourself to your kids.
When I shared these examples with Brad's father,
His face grew pale.
The righteous father,
He said quietly.
That's me.
I get angry about everything.
Traffic,
People at work,
Yep,
Politics.
And obviously,
I'm always pissed at Brad,
And you know,
He's angry all the time,
Too.
Just like me,
But in different ways.
His wife nodded slowly.
And I know my anxiety makes me harsh and hard to be around sometimes,
And Brad is just like this.
Oh my gosh.
When he used to talk to us,
He would tell us how anxious he was,
And he's just become so distant and harsh.
This is tough to see.
This kind of awareness,
Knowing that you bear some responsibility for your kids' struggles can be brutal.
So please,
Practice some compassion for yourself in these and other moments.
Let the fact that you're doing something about it reflect your dedication and your profound care for them.
And just like how your kid is navigating a challenging journey,
So are you.
These moments are critical opportunities that take courage.
So well done,
And let's keep going.
Brad's family is turning a monumental corner.
They are starting to be willing to see their own patterns mirrored in their kids.
It is a huge step toward healing their kids and the entire family dynamic.
But for many parents,
This awareness brings up an uncomfortable question.
How did I get this way when I swore I'd be different?
The never-like-my-parents trap.
This pattern becomes even more complex when parents actively try to do the opposite of what their own parents did.
Many new parents swear they will never be like their parents,
But they don't examine how their upbringing affected them.
One parent had cold,
Distant,
Authoritarian parents.
Determined to be different,
They became permissive in understanding.
But every time their kid misbehaved,
They couldn't help getting angry because their kid didn't follow the rules.
So the parent avoided their anger by not holding boundaries and thus allowing increasingly poor behavior.
But their kid doesn't believe in their boundaries when they do hold them because the parent lacks conviction.
The parent isn't present when they hold boundaries because they are spending energy on not being angry,
Instead of putting focus on being emotionally present.
The parent gets frustrated that their gentle correction doesn't work and gets angry,
Again,
Just like their own father.
In this case,
The child can become dysregulated because one,
The parent never taught emotional resilience through their living example,
And two,
The parent doesn't give compelling reasons to follow boundaries because they're emotionally dishonest.
They act calm but are actually angry.
You can't heal what you won't feel,
You can't change what you won't see,
And you can't give your kids what you don't have yourself.
This parent was so sincere in their attempt to be a different kind of parent than what they had,
To give something different than what they received.
But without looking in the mirror of self-reflection,
Their efforts fall heartbreakingly short.
Given this,
Let's explore those blind spots,
Those emotional triggers,
So you can actually become the parent you've always wanted to be.
Your triggers are your teachers.
Emotional triggers can be both your worst enemy and your best friend.
They're neon signs pointing to internal obstacles that block your connection with others.
The ways your kids trigger you illuminate a path toward your own evolution.
Most parents,
When they reach this recognition,
Do one of two things.
They either shut down in shame,
We've ruined our kid,
Or they deflect in anger.
This is psychobabble nonsense,
It doesn't apply to me.
Brad's parents did neither.
So what do we do,
His father asked.
How do we fix this?
I know this is going to sound cliched,
I shared,
But it's true.
You don't fix it,
You feel it.
Your triggers aren't your enemy,
They are your roadmap to freedom.
They both gave a little chuckle,
Bringing a welcome respite to the emotional intensity of the session.
Okay,
That's a bit dramatic,
But it's also true.
The more you can first navigate the mess of uncomfortable feelings you're experiencing,
The more you can actually start to parent this awesome kid the way he needs to be parented.
When parents avoid this path by making everything about their kid's issues,
Their kid becomes a scapegoat for the family's dysfunction and acts out even more.
It's like they're screaming,
This isn't just about me.
Most parents miss the fact that kids who struggle aren't inspired to change.
If they were,
They would have already.
When you become genuinely reflective about your own inner workings,
You give your kids something precious,
The chance to be inspired by you.
When you become genuinely reflective about your own inner workings,
You give your kids something precious,
The chance to be inspired by you.
And you can't do this just for them,
You have to do it for you.
When you do it for you,
You unlock the ability to inspire and influence your kids.
The Inside Job So,
Look inside.
Practice being reflective.
See what emotionally triggers you about what your kid does.
Notice how this might relate to your own childhood,
Your own struggles that your child is now mirroring.
Get help seeing this from skilled people who can see what you can't and can compassionately point out to you how you're unintentionally contributing to the struggle.
Remember,
A child's roots can only reach as deep as the parent's soil has been tilled.
Brad's parents began the hardest work of their lives.
His father started therapy to address his own anger.
His mother joined a support group to address her anxiety.
They stopped hyper-focusing on Brad's behavior and started focusing on their own feelings.
The change wasn't immediate.
For weeks,
Brad tested them harder,
As if sensing their old patterns were shifting.
But something was different.
When he raged,
His dad practiced staying calm,
Genuinely calm,
Not white-knuckling it.
When Brad pushed boundaries,
His mom started to respond with clarity instead of panicked reaction.
It's like they're becoming different people,
Brad told me a couple months later.
I don't know how to fight them anymore.
They're not fighting back.
Your parental influence is greatest when you're aware of your own emotional state and how you're contributing to the relationship dynamic.
When you take responsibility for your emotional state and its impact on others,
You create the possibility for freedom,
Not just for yourself,
But for everyone around you.
The Transformation Six months after that 2am phone call,
Brad's parents sat with me again.
But this time,
Brad was with them,
By choice.
I still think some of their rules are stupid,
He said,
Grinning slightly.
But they're different now.
They're not trying to control me anymore.
They're just being themselves.
And I guess I like who they actually are.
This is what becomes possible when you stop trying to fix your kid and start healing yourself.
Your job isn't to eliminate their struggles,
It's to become the kind of person worth struggling alongside.
Think of it this way,
You're the gardener,
Not the plant.
You can create perfect soil,
Provide water and sunlight,
Remove weeds,
But you can't force the plant to grow.
The Heart of It Brad graduated high school and went to a local university.
He calls his parents every week,
Comes home for weekends,
And overall is doing great.
And this isn't all happening because he finally started to obey their rules,
It's because they finally got themselves to start growing alongside him.
The weirdest thing,
His mom told me recently,
Is that we were so focused on saving him,
We didn't realize he was actually trying to save us.
It's like his acting out was his way of saying,
Something's wrong here and it's not just me.
Your triggers aren't your enemy,
They're your teachers.
Every time your child pushes your buttons,
They're holding up a mirror showing you exactly what needs healing in yourself.
You can't control your kids,
You can only inspire them.
This understanding,
That influence comes from inspiration,
Not control,
Can shift everything about how you create structure in your teenager's life.
Because the boundaries that really make a difference aren't the ones that control behavior,
They're the ones that inspire growth.
Your kids' struggles aren't separate from your own,
They're intimately connected.
And when you heal your part,
You give them permission to heal theirs.
Your kid's freedom starts with your own.
