Proving yourself.
To whom do you feel that you need to prove yourself?
The answer for me in the past was always me.
I needed to prove myself to me.
When I was working in science,
I was fortunate enough to have a boss who gave me a lot of freedom the last couple of years.
And still,
I had no pressure in the sense that she was dictating me when to work or when to deliver what.
As long as it was delivered,
She gave me completely the freedom.
And I could also have quite a big say in my own goals and work towards them.
And still,
I felt always this enormous pressure to prove myself.
To prove myself towards my colleagues,
Towards her,
My boss.
To prove myself for the university,
For the faculty I was working in.
Show that I could do it.
Show that I was good enough.
But you guess what happens.
You start overworking and overworking harder and harder.
And the thing is,
Everyone does it.
So you are in this setting where everyone works crazy hours because they are dedicated.
They are dedicated to help improve the world,
To help improve the world with their science.
And with this extremely hard working,
If that comes from a place that is maybe not completely healthy,
Then you start suffering from stress.
And I think many,
Many,
Many people will recognize this,
That for some reason they find themselves very tired at the end of the week,
And they need to recover during the weekend and probably still do a bit of work.
And then,
Sorry,
Get back to their jobs on Monday.
And still not feeling completely rested and refreshed.
But for whom are you doing this,
Honestly?
I have always told myself that I did it for society,
For improving the health of humans,
Of animals,
Which is of course a big component,
But it is also quite a superficial answer to the behavior.
I was putting myself in a victim position because I said everyone is doing it,
So if I don't do it,
I mean,
I will be the one then not having a job,
Because I will not deliver enough,
They will not see me,
I need to be present in all the occasions that give visibility,
The networking,
I need to attend the courses because I want to develop myself,
Which is all honestly true and valid.
But when looking into that behavior,
The underlying thing was proving yourself to me,
Because I wanted to be liked,
I wanted to be asked,
I wanted to matter.
Coming,
And I can only see that since a couple of years,
Coming from a place of insecurity,
Where external values determine how you feel.
And of course it is probably always nice if you are validated and hear that you did a good job and people are loving what you do,
Etc.
Etc.
There is nothing wrong with that.
But the way you show up,
Is that for validation?
Or is that from a place where you truly,
From your core,
Enjoy doing what you are doing?
And honestly,
I think for many people in this world,
It is not.
And that's fine,
If you are happy with that.
But if we look at the amount of people that suffer from stress,
That suffer from burnout,
That I hear saying that there is not enough employees to do the jobs at the work floor,
They are constantly thinking about what to do.
Who are you working for?
Of course in this world we need to pay our bills.
I see that.
But you make an assumption that there is no other way.
And I would like to argue that that is a proclamation.
And that we all can get rid of it.
Because it is the story underneath,
The beliefs,
The identities,
The old systems,
All that contribute to that.
We are keeping ourselves smaller than we are.
And in the end,
You do not need to prove yourself,
If you are in a place of truly valuing coming from the inside,
As in having healed your old wounds,
Having released what is holding you back.
And then there is no need to prove.
And I don't say that I am there,
But I am working on it.
Because I don't want to be any longer in any fear that I am not good enough,
That I don't get what I deserve.
It's a continuous journey,
Layer by layer we go deeper.
Most of the time I'm coming now from a place where I feel at least that I don't have to prove myself for myself.
And that feels so much more,
Gives so much more inner peace.
