Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You

Are you moving through something big right now? You are not alone! However, we often think we are when we move through significant moments. In this space, we struggle to let go of what is no longer serving us because fear and guilt trump our needs and our perceived worthiness to have a grounded, healthy, and happy life. And thanks to fear, many believe that letting go is impossible or traumatic. The truth is, there is a shadow side to healing. Yet, there are ways to soften the blow by doing deep preliminary work ahead of our healing. We are diving into the process of letting go while entering a space where we consciously create a path for our deepest desires, the self-awareness process, and learning how to let go of people and relationships, heavy emotions and trauma, attachment, and the obstacles that stand in our way.

Transcript

Big question right off the top.

Are you moving through something right now?

I told you it's a big question.

So many people are,

And I will even include myself in this moment too.

You know,

If you are,

If you're moving through something big,

You're really in a place of,

I don't know how to let go,

Or I don't know how to really engage in my growth or be my best self,

Let's do it here right now together.

You know,

Even if you don't feel like you're moving through something or that something big needs to be shifted,

I want you to stick around because maybe something in this conversation will give you gratitude for what you've already let go of or how you have been changed through a challenge.

So,

You know,

Maybe that works for you too.

Here's the big deal.

When we bring our attention to pieces that may be keeping us in places on a path that,

You know,

We can't really reach our dreams or our most healed self or our purpose or our experiences,

Whatever,

That gap,

There is a major task that must be taken.

And that task is to let go of whatever is holding you in place.

One thing that I've really gathered from a lot of women who've reached out,

Whether in DM on Instagram or through email or through the podcast,

Is that so many are in this odd place.

We'll call it really a shift of energy,

Of desire,

Even need that has them looking at where they currently are and what they need to do to really level up their existence,

You know,

To take full ownership.

And honestly,

That can be a big struggle,

But it's also a really beautiful thing.

So when we begin to trip into the conversation about what's holding us in place,

We have to really talk about letting go.

And I will say,

It's not an easy conversation.

It takes bold courage to face what's not working for you.

It takes grit and determination.

It takes trust.

With that,

I must say,

I'm starting this conversation with the utmost respect for your emotions,

Your past experience,

Your growth process,

Relationships,

Anything you've walked through or are currently walking through,

I'm holding space for you right here,

Right now.

The intent of this conversation today is to help you see the other side of feeling stuck,

Obligated,

Or in a place where you're holding onto something that's not serving you because fear and guilt have you in deep struggle.

In this time together,

I want to motivate you to elevate yourself to the top of your priority list,

Trust yourself,

And help you give yourself permission to move on from or start the process of moving on from the things that you can't seem to let go of or the things that you keep holding onto because it's best for others,

But not necessarily best for you.

When a new woman sits in session with me for the first time,

Depending on what we're working on,

A top question I get is,

How do I let go and how do I move on?

Or the statement is uttered,

I really want to move on,

But I can't.

Hold on to that word can't today,

Right?

Because we're going to turn every can't into choice,

Which always sounds like I am,

I can,

I will.

But first let's roll around in some hard truths.

Okay,

Are you ready?

You know me,

I love a good definition and hard truth,

But today not so much on the definitions,

Real hard on the truths because letting go,

It's hard.

So holding onto something that you know is not working for you,

That's a conscious decision.

There it is,

Hard truth number one,

You're making a choice.

Holding onto anything literally puts you in the position that you are straddling two different desires.

One part of you wants to move forward while the other welcomes the struggle and the stuck because you either have told yourself you don't know how to move forward or what is generally more of the truth.

You actually know what you need to do to move forward,

But what is needed is often so big that you're afraid to do it because the snowball of change is scary as hell.

Facing it can feel like life shattering and honestly,

Sometimes it is.

Scary and shattering that is until we face ourselves and our needs.

Here's another truth.

There is absolutely a shadow side,

A dark side to healing,

To self-ownership,

To growth because it does force you to get uncomfortable.

It forces you to release,

To find the ability to trust yourself in an intimate way that you know the whole of you.

Hard truth number three.

It's actually the hardest of all the truths,

As odd as it may sound,

But you do have the ability and the power to let go of whatever is keeping you from the best version of yourself,

Your best life,

Your greatest realized dreams.

Once you put intention and action behind the desire to do so,

You have the ability to honor what has been and find peace in doing what works best for you.

I say that's the hardest one because it starts with the desire and then that desire must be moved into your truth before anything can change.

Remember,

You cannot own or affirm that which you do not believe.

Fear tells us that it's hard to let go of anything,

That change is unstable,

That it is challenging,

That it's not even responsible to let go of anything,

That it's not right,

That it's not healthy for those that it impacts.

You know,

Guilt says that there's something wrong with us and that we have to change to make our feelings meet those of those around us.

We hear whispers up,

How could you?

You are selfish.

Can't you just bend?

I owe them.

You owe me.

We lie to ourselves and say,

I can't just cut them off.

What would everyone think?

Does any of that sound familiar?

When we dive into letting go,

We tend to look at several formative areas in our lives.

You know,

Letting go of a person,

So the ending of a relationship,

Letting go of an attachment,

Letting go of trauma or hard emotions,

Or letting go of the past.

There are,

Of course,

Other areas,

But you know,

The majority of our issues come back to one of these four.

So let's break down these pieces of letting go and then let's move through the steps necessary to start the process in a healing,

Progressive,

Grounded,

Self-aware way.

How does that sound?

In order to do this,

There is one little,

I say little very,

You know,

Facetiously,

There is one little thing that must be in place.

And that little thing is self-trust.

Not such a little thing after all,

Is it?

Sorry,

But it has to be in place.

I hinted at this when I handed you over the three hard truths,

Right?

Because affirming must be done in belief to make it a truth,

Right?

That's how it works.

And this affirming includes affirming you,

All of you,

Your needs,

Your thoughts,

Dreams,

Desires.

Self-trust must be in place to let go,

To walk through change,

To grow,

To rewrite your story.

It must be there.

Let's take a moment to explore self-trust so that we have all of the skills we need before we take action of letting go.

This is where most people get tripped up when they're having a hard situation.

They wanna let go of something,

And yet they don't put in the procedures necessary to support them when they're actually moving through the action.

So let's do this piece.

It's very important.

Let's take on self-trust.

So what does that mean?

Because trusting yourself goes beyond just knowing that you can do something.

It means that you can rely on yourself and know what is important to you.

That's so big,

I'm gonna say it again.

Self-trust is relying on yourself and knowing what is important to you.

You know what you need and want.

Even if you've been telling yourself,

You do not know,

My dear,

At the baseline,

At the core,

You know what you need.

I don't wanna feel this way.

I don't wanna be here.

I don't want to live my life like this.

I don't want the relationship like this.

I don't wanna have these experiences.

Isn't that a need?

You know what you need and want.

We often betray this trust of ourselves through fear and guilt,

But in order to let anything go,

We have to know why it's important to do so.

What's the end result for you?

That's the biggest question,

Right?

What's the big end result?

You,

That word you.

That's the most important part,

Right?

So big,

Bold,

All caps letters,

You know,

Me yelling at you like some mental health mindset drill sergeant,

Right?

You,

What's the end result for you?

Can you rely on yourself to support yourself when things get hard?

We're gonna deep dive into that in just a moment,

But it's a huge question.

It's one that cannot be ignored.

Self-trust is making promises to yourself and seeing them through.

We keep promises to everyone else and we release those we make to ourselves because we honestly don't trust ourselves enough and we don't hold ourselves accountable.

Accountability on so many levels is about trust.

I trust that I can do this.

I trust that I will show up.

Trust,

Trust,

Trust.

It's knowing there's a need that must be met and putting the work into action and seeing it all the way through the finish line,

Not because you promised to someone else,

But because it matters to you.

Self-trust is and will always be about taking responsibility as well.

In the process of letting go,

We have to remember,

Especially when we're talking about relationships or a person,

Trauma,

Or the past,

There will always be moments that we are the bad guy in someone else's story.

Take that in for just a second.

We will always be the bad guy in someone else's story.

That does not mean that it is the truth.

It just means that that is the reality for someone else and that's okay.

We have to look at what is our responsibility.

Self-trust,

Trusting ourselves enough to know that there is an issue that we have created or that we don't have responsibility.

Good,

Bad,

And even ugly,

When we witness it and own it,

We have the ability to work toward letting go and resolve.

But here's something really big that I really want you to key into and listen to.

Because even if we do the work to let go,

To work toward self-resolve,

That doesn't actually mean that there will ever be resolve in the situation you are releasing if there are other factors or other people involved.

It's that whole,

It takes two to tango thing,

Right?

So you can work towards self-resolve and responsibility,

Trying to work towards moving on and the other people or things that are involved don't do that work.

And still,

We can't find an even ground.

We're gonna go into that deeper in just a moment too,

But know that that is so important.

Self-trust is honoring your emotions fully.

It's listening to your needs and acting from them.

It's moving through the hard with an understanding that the hard is the foundation to your strength.

These are important elements of self-trust that must be in place before we begin the letting go process.

So as I gave you before,

There are four stages or processes that we look at when we start talking about letting go.

And again,

Those are letting go of a person or an ending of a relationship,

Letting go of attachment,

Letting go of trauma or hard emotions and letting go of the past.

And let's start with letting go of a person or the ending of a relationship because this is the piece that often we get,

You know,

The most stuck or we have the most turmoil around.

Now,

Let me also caution you.

What we're talking about right now isn't so much the how to,

But instead these are the processes of letting go.

This is what we must have in place before we do the hard work,

Right?

This is so important because just like self-trust must be active,

We have to give ourselves permission to work on these other pieces of self-discovery and leaning into the thought process,

The emotional body,

The overall head,

You know,

Body,

Soul kind of movement that's happening when we start to let go.

You know,

When there is a line in the sand,

When we know that we have to really release a relationship for our overall wellbeing,

Because there's a stack of issues that simply seem to have no resolve,

Whether that's,

You know,

With a partner or a spouse,

A friend,

A family member,

We must remember that we cannot and nor should we ever minimize the impact of letting go.

This is a big thing.

But when we get uncomfortable,

We love to tell ourselves to get over it,

Right?

We say,

Just move on,

Forget about it,

It's going to be okay.

Or then we lean into others and they tell us to get over it,

It's really not that bad.

You know,

These moments,

These experiences are big movements in our lives.

They're often game changers.

They're often those points in our timeline where we,

You know,

Have the hard stops and they're just difficult.

They are never going to be anything that we should ever just brush under the rug and consider them to be small.

This takes consideration.

Anytime your emotions are impacted,

You must pause,

Hold space,

And go back to the question I asked before,

What is the end result for me?

There is great benefit in witnessing both the good and bad in every relationship.

And we have to allow ourselves to do that,

To accept,

To allow time,

To allow space,

To process when we have an ending.

If you allow yourself to experience both the positive and negative,

You actually process the experience.

You know,

Not everything's 100% bad,

Even the hard things,

Even when there's a full stop ending,

It doesn't mean that everything was terrible.

There is always something good in every experience and we cannot disregard that fact.

When you process,

You can ask,

How did I get to where I am with this situation,

With this person?

What were the determining factors that led me here?

What is my role?

What will happen if I let go and choose my wellbeing,

Mentally,

Emotionally,

Physically,

And even spiritually?

What would happen in my life if I chose my peace?

There's that word again,

Choice.

If I choose me,

If I choose how this is not working for me,

How will my peace be altered?

Sit in that for just a moment.

Most say at first,

There will be no peace.

And you know what?

That's often true.

But when the healing journey is taken,

Peace not only comes in,

It's amplified.

I should also point out,

We're not leaning into fear and guilt right here.

What we're doing is we're gonna look at the facts.

You know,

What has occurred for me?

What would occur for me?

What actions do I need to take to get where I need to be?

This is the process of stripping away the emotions and getting down to just the facts.

This is something I absolutely love to teach.

It's not a difficult process.

It is something that we all need to be aware of how to do though.

And that's really simple.

We look at the event and we say,

This happened,

And then this occurred,

And then I did this,

And then because of that,

This happened,

Right?

It's just looking at the events and not with the I feel,

But this happened,

The concrete.

We're looking at the why of everything.

You see,

When we strip away the emotion and we get down to just the facts,

We give ourselves the ability to look at the situation like an outsider.

We gain perspective.

Laying down your emotions is hard.

In fact,

Hard's not even the right word for it.

Difficult,

That doesn't even work either.

It is a process,

But when it comes down to understanding that emotions are not facts,

We can also realize that when we look at the facts,

We can be emotionless while doing so.

And remember how I said that we will always be a villain in someone else's story?

This is it,

Right?

That's their facts.

How we connect to a moment is completely based on our beliefs,

Our values,

How we're thinking at the time of the experience,

Our personal truths,

Our emotions.

There are so many factors involved.

And then we can add to the fact that my definition of emotions and yours are completely different.

And when you take the emotions out of the equation,

You give yourself a gift.

There's nothing messy in it.

This occurred and then that occurred.

The only time it gets messy or tricky is when we have our truths and we will not deviate from them and look at what's grounded in the middle,

Right?

We often hear there's your truth and my truth,

And then the truth in the middle.

You know,

If you look at it in a way that you know what really occurred and you're not lying to yourself and you're really getting down to the actual events,

Then you give yourself the gift of perspective.

And when we do this for ourselves,

You know,

We welcome in the acknowledgement that healing is not easy.

And that's because the facts of what has occurred are before us,

Right?

When there's a lot of mess,

We know that it's going to take some time to process and clean up.

However,

It is necessary when we begin to let go of people.

And this is truly where the challenge lies.

It's here that most people will return to the situation and allow it to continue,

Even if it doesn't work for them because the work is too difficult.

It's painful,

It's exhausting.

Let me reassure you that short-term discomfort is far better than lifelong or long-term dis-ease.

In the process,

We must engage in mindfulness to make it work for us.

And that sounds and feels like this moment will change.

This experience will transform into something different.

Once we have our mindset in check,

We can go back to the stripped-down moments,

To the events,

And we can add the emotions back in.

Now,

Doing this step is hugely necessary.

Doing one without the other or trying to process the event and the emotions at the same time is often an overload on the mental and emotional systems.

So pulling them apart and reconnecting them again is highly important.

When we add the emotions back in through the mindset of the events that we've already looked at their impact,

We can look at how we are affected at a much deeper level.

It's from here you can begin to notice why you are holding on.

You know,

Is it the event or is it the emotion?

Without them being separated,

How would you know?

You know,

It's likely that there are emotions that are negative,

That are attached to letting go,

And that's really why you are holding on.

You can also look at the control aspect.

You know,

What is it about letting go that is really an issue with the control?

You know,

Is it self-control?

Is it emotional control,

Mental control,

Physical control?

You know,

What is it that we are struggling with when it comes to the aspect of control?

Because we need to know in order to create healthy boundaries.

We can't let go without them.

We cannot turn our can'ts into can without boundaries.

We'll go deeper with that in just a moment,

But it's very true.

In order to let go,

A new boundary must be developed.

But again,

Fear says,

Don't do that.

Fear says,

Don't let go because there's something beyond your present knowledge that you won't be able to control.

And at least here,

You have some control because so much uncertainty is not in the unknown.

And you know,

Guilt often protects our relationships from dissolving even though they should.

Guilt can create a self-punishment of I can't.

But what that is,

Is saying,

You know,

Before I make a choice,

I'm not really sure.

Can't is as much of a choice as can.

With that,

Let's move into letting go of attachment.

First,

Attachment can really be defined as a deep bond to anything.

We can attach to experiences,

To people,

Things,

Emotions,

Processes,

Or you know,

Any perceived truths.

Sometimes this attachment is healthy and other times it's not.

And we all know the difference,

Right?

We know when we're attached to something that's not working for us.

And our attachment can be a physical process,

A spiritual process,

You know,

But the biggest thing with attachment is that it always,

Doesn't matter what kind of attachment it is,

It always involves our emotions,

Right?

Did you hear that?

Attachment always involves our emotions.

We can lean back into this understanding that emotions are not truths,

And we can add to that and say,

Emotions are also temporary.

They always change.

It doesn't matter how long that emotion has been around,

It can still be transformed or moved or released,

You know,

Let go of.

Here's an even bigger truth.

And if you walk away with nothing else,

Let it be this,

Right?

I gave you three hard truths in the beginning.

Here is your fourth big truth.

Our struggles.

You know,

The majority of the things we struggle with stem from attachment.

If something isn't important to us,

We would not struggle.

So importance,

Hold on,

Struggle to keep it going.

It's circular.

How can we begin to process letting go if we hold onto attachment?

That's the big question,

Right?

What do we need to put in place in order to let go?

And the first part of that is,

We have to just begin to justify less.

Our brains,

Our thoughts,

You know,

They love to reinforce attachment because we are wired for connection.

If you've listened to this podcast,

Or you've heard me speak,

Or follow me on Instagram,

You know that this is a hard fact that is non-negotiable when we're talking about our thoughts and our brains.

And we know that this is a baseline for all of us.

Our society,

Our family units,

Our relationships are built in a hierarchy of importance.

We are taught and structured to stay with the people that we were born to,

Or find along the way,

Because we are wired for connection.

We are taught and structured this way.

You know,

We are told that we have to give it to our all in relationships that should,

Air quote,

Be kept,

Right?

We utter words like,

I can't let go of him because he will not be okay without me.

I can't step away from my sister.

You know,

She's all I've got,

Or I'm all she has.

I'll disappoint my family if I don't show up this way.

If I let myself be happy,

I'm betraying the sadness that I should be feeling.

Attachment,

Right?

The only way to let go,

To feel less pain or struggle is to witness that you have the power to detach.

What does that take?

Self-trust.

You are the only one that sets and defines your attachments.

When it comes to the labels we are,

You know,

Assigned,

Or we prescribed to others,

We do have the power to rename,

Reshape,

Or remove them when needed.

That sounds extremely harsh.

And when I've said it to people before,

Or,

You know,

I'm asked about letting go of those relationships that should be in play for all of our existence,

The truth is that,

You know,

Humans are humans.

We are fallible.

We fail.

We can't have a positive relationship with every single person that is in our lives,

Blood or not.

We are all trying to just figure it out.

And if we live our story in a way that runs up against or harm someone else,

That doesn't necessarily mean that we get to stay in that person's lives.

We have to look at the attachment and say,

You know,

Does this serve me?

From there,

We can ask even deeper questions.

What would it mean for me to detach and seek closure?

If you left the experience,

If you walked away,

What would the attachment to the self look like?

Ooh,

That's a big question,

Isn't it?

If I walked away,

If I let go of this thing that is really harming me emotionally,

Mentally,

Spiritually,

And physically,

What would happen if I reconnected to me?

You see,

When we hold on too tightly to the things that are meant to be moved,

It keeps us from experiencing all that is within us and for us as well.

Is it easy to detach?

No.

Let me rephrase that.

No,

Hell no,

It's not,

Right?

It's not easy to walk away from experiences or bonds or emotions,

But sometimes,

And I do mean sometimes,

It's the only way to save ourselves.

In this detachment,

We must have compassion.

When things are wrong and,

You know,

Falling apart,

Feeling as if there's more hopelessness than strength within our reach,

We can feel as if the pain and hurt is as natural as our breathing.

Here's the thing.

When we experience physical pain,

There is a place in our brain that lights up.

When we experience emotional pain,

The exact same place lights up in the brain.

We feel our pain.

We have emotions.

This is normal.

We have to make sure that we're giving ourselves compassion,

That we're turning our choice of can't into can so that we no longer beat ourselves up.

When you welcome in the emotion,

The inner story,

You can begin to ask yourself even deeper questions,

And this really helps lean into the compassion.

Those questions are,

Did I try?

Have I done the best I could in the circumstances that were afforded to me?

What do I deserve now?

When you give yourself compassion,

You give yourself to put down everything that has been done and perhaps left undone and celebrate where you are.

And you do that by really offering that compassion and by holding lightly to the moment so that you can give yourself permission to do the best thing for you.

Speaking of holding lightly,

You can still hold someone in your heart even if you cannot make it work with them in reality.

That is so important to remember.

Remember,

Our suffering comes from attachment that does not work for us.

We can hold lightly,

But not suffocate.

Sometimes detaching is the greatest form of self-love and outer love that we can offer.

And this is so important.

Sometimes walking away is love.

Sometimes it is,

I cannot destroy you or myself anymore.

And I love you that much that I have to go.

Now let's talk about trauma and emotions.

You know,

That in and of itself can be a 20-hour podcast.

So let's just scratch the surface,

Okay?

Because,

You know,

It's deep.

But trauma and emotions can be all-consuming and you know that.

It's even a burden that steals our peace.

It can wreck our bodies.

It can take us on a journey through self-sabotaging,

Depression,

Addiction,

And so much more.

So let's lay this on the table right now.

Something so important to talk about when it comes to trauma and our emotions.

And it is this,

Trauma is not comparable.

When we are letting go,

We often love to deep dive into our traumas.

We play a game of tennis with it,

You know,

Right?

You did this,

You did that,

It's back and forth.

You are a horrible person and we just dig deeper and deeper to all of these events,

To all of these traumas.

And your trauma and someone else's,

It's not up for competition.

It's not a game,

Right?

It's not a sport to see who's gonna win the medal.

Trauma is not so much about what happens to us,

It's about what happens through us.

Meaning how we connect to the moment is really the power of that moment.

This is why it's not comparable.

What we see as traumatic could be someone else's norm.

You know,

If we see someone on the street suffering,

That might be what is outside of their home every single day.

It's just not comparable.

So we have to lay that down.

We have to look at the moment for what it is and how it impacted us and what it meant to us.

When we experience trauma or heavy emotions,

Our job becomes making them work for us.

We have to work with them.

We have to extract the lesson and use the moment as it was intended,

A service,

A guidance for the self,

Right?

Why do we experience things?

For the lesson,

For the learning.

What do we have to put in place to start this process?

First up,

Permission.

You must give yourself permission to engage,

Permission to sit with the emotions,

Permission to sit with the trauma,

To let it wash over you,

To let it come without judgment,

Good and bad.

I did not say good or bad.

I said good and bad.

It's a mindful experience of pulling all of our inner strength and calm to the surface and ask it to meet what's happening within you and through you.

This is the way we work with our emotions.

This is the way that we really become mindful of how we feel,

What we think,

And how it's driving us into action.

The most important factor that we must put in place when we're letting go beyond,

You know,

The self trust is the permission,

Permission to listen,

Permission to feel the tidal wave instead of,

You know,

Stuffing it down and trying to build our life on top of it while we're working to ignore what's happening within.

It just never works.

You know,

Our emotions,

Our thoughts,

Our feelings,

Our experiences,

They always find a way to come back to the surface,

Don't they?

Giving yourself space and returning to what feels best for you is the best way to move on.

Now let's move on to letting go of the past.

And I'm going to say this,

Cause it's extremely important.

You know,

When something continues to come up mentally and emotionally,

Or you find yourself always triggered,

You know,

It's those conversations that start playing out in your head,

Even though an event hasn't occurred,

Or someone says something and all of a sudden,

You know,

You are really in a bad spot.

This is the subconscious's way of telling you that there is something that has been left unhealed and unaddressed.

It's here we have to turn inward.

We have to move forward by turning into what has been.

The jump off point is honoring the truth.

What would you be now?

Or where would you be now without this experience,

Without this past hurt,

Without this past movement?

What would be your strength,

Right?

What would be your awareness?

Even would you know,

You know,

What life would look like if you hadn't experienced that?

Because out of everything,

Something leads you to something greater.

So where would you be?

And really the greatest question when you're looking at the past and you're looking to let go is,

How has this helped me?

In hard times,

It's hard to lean into the positive experiences,

But it's so necessary.

And once we set ourselves up into this frame of thought,

It's here we can start moving towards self-resolution.

It's here that we can ask what's next for me.

And that thought doesn't feel so big or so hard or unachievable.

Letting go is hard,

But staying unhealthy in your thinking,

In your emotions,

In your body,

In your life,

That's harder.

We have to let go.

And to do that,

We have to pull all of the pieces together,

You know,

All of the pieces that we have to put in place so that we can be successful when we start that process of moving forward.

And so let's quickly run through those before we move into how,

Right?

So we have to have a desire to move forward.

We have to have self-trust,

Self-permission,

An understanding of the events without the emotions.

We have to have self-compassion.

We have to understand what has been and why.

Then we have to understand the emotional impact.

And then we have to have a mindset of how our peace will be impacted when we choose ourselves.

With all of those pieces in place,

We can move into how.

How do we let go?

How do we let ourselves move forward?

The first step is to get settled deeper into the self-trust and permission and outline exactly what you want and need.

Listen to what I said.

I said what you want and need.

When you're moving through big things,

We often seek support,

Right?

Because we're connective beings.

We need community.

That's what we've been raised to think and to do.

And it is a form of safety.

And support is excellent if it's outside of the source of your day-to-day life,

Right?

So your therapist,

Your coach,

Your person that may not have a connection to the event or people.

You know,

I'm saying don't seek advice from your best friend or someone that's close to the situation.

Here's why.

People's opinions and trust are based on their experiences and perspectives.

The other piece of this is our greatest cheerleaders are often our worst advocates when it comes to supporting our truths.

Our closest people want to sit with us.

They want us to feel seen.

They want us to feel that they are supporting our best and even,

You know,

Sometimes that comes at the cost of not,

You know,

Telling us what we really should hear.

This is why we have to seek outside.

When it comes to their opinions about what they think of all these situations,

Here's an even bigger truth.

If the person you are seeking support from has walked through something close to what you've experienced and,

You know,

It was absolute hell,

Where do you think that opinion is going to come from?

Where do you think their opinion is going to be based on?

It's gonna be based on their experience,

That hell,

And they're gonna turn it around and hand it over to you,

Which is gonna make you feel worse.

Seek support and connection outside of those people that are closest to you when you are walking through something big,

So important.

It's not that you can't trust those people.

It's that,

You know,

Is it the right person for you?

Is it an unbiased thought process that can help you in the long run?

Get to know what you need so intimately that the good opinion of others,

You know,

What they walk through in the moment,

Doesn't damper your desires.

Write what you need on paper.

Go back to those questions.

What do I want?

How will doing what I need and want give me peace?

How would this peace change my connection to myself?

Remember,

When we let go of pain,

When we let go of hurtful experiences,

Of anything that separates us from what we need and want,

We have to move forward with a mindset of growth.

So what is going to orient your mind for growth?

The next step is to be prepared.

Again,

We can often stop our own processes because it's hard.

We lean into can't instead of can.

We don't use I am,

I will,

I can.

So in order to do so,

To lean into the positive,

We have to create a positive moment,

A mantra,

An intention,

A reframe,

Even a physical activity for anything that may actually cause us to feel stuck or drive us into deeper emotional pain,

Right?

So we have to give ourselves a setup.

How we talk to ourself when we're moving through big moments and releasing things absolutely drives how we process.

So on the onset,

Create a positive mantra,

Create the intention,

Reframe the thought,

Or give that activity to yourself.

Every time your mind says,

This is too hard,

Have that mantra already written out.

Maybe it is,

I am fortunate to be able to create a new path in my life.

Or when your mind says,

You are being selfish,

Maybe your intention is,

I intend to create a balanced experience for my life and this is how I'm doing it.

Maybe you put an overall plan in place that each time your emotions become too heavy,

You go for a walk.

Whatever it is,

Have a plan to redirect yourself and stay on track.

This is a great way to be an observer in your life and not a reactionary step-taker.

This also keeps us from breaking the promises to ourselves.

That may feel silly,

But if you become weighted down along the way in the process and you have not put a plan in place,

It's here that you often stop altogether.

You go down in a mental and emotional spiral that takes you out.

You have to have something on board,

On track,

Right?

To keep you going in the right direction.

Whatever you do,

Don't forget this step.

The next thing to do,

You know,

Really step three is to create distance.

I know you have heard people say that you should distance yourself from people or situations that cause you upset.

And,

You know,

From a therapy,

You know,

Aspect,

That is actually excellent advice.

It helps separate,

Deescalate,

And hold space for ourselves because the truth is it is extremely hard to change,

To let go,

Or heal in any situation or place when that thing or people are involved with a situation.

Right?

Is it possible?

Yes,

But it's extremely difficult.

When we are creating distance,

We have to do so on all levels.

You know,

Emotional.

That unfolds as I'm distancing myself from supporting other people's emotions.

I'm giving myself emotional support and distance from anything that's heavy at that moment.

That means I'm going to allow myself to rest and to reset emotionally,

And I'm not requiring myself to do all the hard work at once.

This isn't a marathon.

This is a slow release for your greatest,

Healthiest progress.

Then we can look at physical distance.

Giving yourself digital space,

Very important,

Just as important as physical space.

Granted,

There are times that you can't create physical space or cut out the interaction completely,

And in those cases,

What you must do is to lessen the exposure.

Then we can look at the mental distance.

If the thoughts are not serving you that are coming in in this process,

Give yourself permission to go back to step two and engage in your mantra,

Your intention,

Or your plan.

Really put a pin in it and circle back when you feel healthy.

That does not mean suppress or not engage.

It means do it when you can actually raise the best part of you to meet the hardest situation.

In the end,

In order to let go,

We often do need distance.

Step four is to do your own work.

Okay,

So when we are letting go,

We tend to do one or two things.

We either do the work separate of the person that is involved in the situation,

Or we do this one thing where we try to get them to do the work alongside of us.

Right,

This is hard.

You're a part of this.

I don't wanna do it alone,

So come with me.

But letting go is personal.

This is an individual task,

An individual job.

We have to do what works for us without the other people involved.

If they wanna do the work,

Great,

Do it alone.

And when both people are doing the work alone,

In the end,

There might be some way to make amends or change,

But we can never force someone to do the work they're not ready to do.

This all comes back to you,

So focus on the answer to your question,

What will letting go do for my peace?

Work from that place always.

This is where we meet our needs.

The next piece is to give ourselves time to grieve.

In so many ways,

Letting go of someone or something is like experiencing a death.

One of the hardest parts of letting go is feeling that something is missing in your life.

This feeling of emptiness is tough,

But here's the thing,

It doesn't last forever.

Be in tune with your feelings.

Allow yourself to feel all the pain,

The sadness,

The frustration,

The anger,

Feel it,

But know that it's temporary.

Moving through this is the process of letting go.

This is why we did all of the pre-work.

What will life look like after?

The next thing we have to lean into is to allow the negative emotions to flow,

But not take you down.

How do you know what you want if you don't know what you don't,

Right?

We need contrast,

We need opposites,

We need lessons and understandings of how we want to show up,

How we want to feel,

How we want to engage.

Use your emotions to your benefit in this manner,

And you will find freedom within your emotions.

We have been told for so long to be afraid of negatives.

My dear,

They serve you too.

Grief has an opposite,

It's joy.

Disappointment has a lesson to hold lightly,

To watch for attachments,

To show compassion and temper our expectations.

Sadness is felt when there is an absence of happiness.

Darkness is felt when there's an absence of light.

We have to use our emotions,

Get uncomfortable,

Sit with them,

Allow them to flow,

But don't let them take you down.

Step seven is to lean into forgiveness and give yourself permission to forgive.

Apologies may never come.

Understanding why may never arrive,

And that is a tough pill.

That is often one of the hardest pills,

Right?

Another hard truth.

Not knowing why feels like a stab through the heart,

But waiting on those things stalls the process of letting go.

Forgiveness is a self-driven process.

The healing process is done by making a conscious,

Deliberate decision.

That's another word for choice,

Right?

Deliberate decision.

To release the things that are not working for you is a process.

Forgiveness is an act of release.

It is a choice to move forward,

To build,

To change.

You have to give yourself permission to forgive.

And then you have to move into step eight,

Which is being willing to adapt.

As you release,

Things change.

We never stay the same,

Right?

The very nature of life is change.

Everything about you changes daily.

We age,

Our mindset changes.

What's true in the morning may not be true when we close our eyes.

Hold lightly,

Adapt.

Remember the end goal,

The path to our peace is change.

What is that?

That is adapting.

Be willing to adapt,

To be moved.

It's not easy,

But staying the same is not either.

And then you move into gratitude.

Just like the negative emotions have opposites,

Every situation has a moment to witness in gratitude.

I said it before,

This is where can't turns into can.

This is where I am and I will is really shown.

Gratitude is the appreciation for what is,

And that feels very foreign to so many people.

Women will often say,

How can I give thanks for this horrible thing that has happened?

And I will say,

Did you find some level of respect within this moment?

Yes,

I did.

Did you find some level of self-trust?

Yes,

Strength,

Yes,

Love,

Yes.

We can go down this list and all of a sudden,

All of these negatives feel like there's something to appreciate.

So grab your paper,

Write it out,

Get it all out and allow the moment to soften.

It softens you mentally and emotionally and it takes the physical burden away because you realize there's something good.

There's something good for you on offer.

Gratitude shows us that even on the things that really work to take us down,

That we can find empowerment within them.

This is a step that cannot be forgotten as well.

As you move through all of these pieces on your time schedules without rushing,

What you have to do is move into the present moment of building peace into your life.

It's circling back to what this would look like on the other side.

And when we actively and consciously choose our mindset and our mood is when we begin to build that peace,

Right?

So we've moved through all of this releasing and now we are actively moving into those last steps of how am I going to show up now?

Big question,

Right?

Beautiful question.

Something you should be asking yourself at all times,

But especially when you are working through letting go.

And it really goes back to what we were talking about before about control and that old saying,

I may not be able to control what happens to me,

But I can control how I respond.

So what will your mindset be?

What does life look like now?

Are you going to be a survivor?

Because if you are,

You're going to go through life looking for more things to survive.

Or are you going to be somebody who's open to change?

Right?

Are you going to be the person that sees every situation as a gift?

Who are you now?

What is your mindset?

And as you build that,

Make sure you surround yourself with people who fill you up.

No matter how you try,

You can't do life alone.

You just can't.

We have to do it with people that work for us.

So surround yourself with those people.

And I can't tell you how many times I've been told,

But I don't have those people in my life.

And I will always say to you at this moment,

Then go and find where the like-minded people hang out in your city or town.

What interest do you have that you can find a community of people that are engaging in that interest right now,

Right on the street next to you probably,

Because they're there.

Find your people or really challenge yourself and find people who think differently than you,

Right?

Push yourself to expose yourself to new ideas and thoughts,

Limiting yourself or self-isolation leads to more pain.

So find your people,

Find your tribe.

Letting go doesn't have to be the end of everything.

In fact,

Sometimes when we let go,

We open the door for something we didn't even know we needed.

Sometimes we don't even have space or room for those things,

But the minute we let go and we usher in peace,

Wow,

Things really begin to change.

Lastly,

And probably most importantly,

I know I say that all the time,

But this is serious.

If you are struggling to let go,

If you are really unable to move through these pieces alone,

Seek help.

And I don't mean just again from a friend,

But I mean,

Seek professional help.

You do not have to do this alone.

It isn't an easy process.

And there is so much more to this that we could talk about together.

You could talk about with someone else,

But you don't have to do this alone.

And there is absolutely no shame in talking to someone who can help you see the situation from a different angle.

You must know that peace can be yours,

But you have to be willing to meet it.

You have to do the work.

When we let go,

When we choose our peace,

Ultimately we gain freedom.

We have better relationships in the long run.

We open the door to things we did not know.

We actively engage in personal growth.

We learn that every situation has something for us.

We stop blaming and start living a life that is free of judgment.

We make choices that work for us.

We learn to be okay in different things that maybe we didn't think we could ever survive.

We learn to trust ourselves.

We began to look for the lessons and the movements before trouble arises.

And that's a big one.

We find gratitude much easier.

We honor and respect our inner stillness.

And we know that peace is never far away.

Sounds pretty good to let go,

Doesn't it?

Listen,

The takeaway,

To let go of our past hurts,

You have to make the conscious decision that you are going to do so.

However,

You know that it's going to take time.

It's going to take practice.

And just because you work to let go does not mean that things will not arise again.

But when you've done the hard mental and emotional work,

All of those things no longer control you the way that they did before.

Be kind to yourself as you practice refocusing how you will see situations and celebrate the victories that you do have.

Ultimately,

All of this comes down to choice.

I can,

I will,

I am.

Take time to be still.

Take time to own your truth.

Take time to really dive into your needs.

Allow yourself to let go rather than be blocked by what you know must be moved.

From there,

From this moment,

You can create a beautiful opportunity to write a new story,

To take a new path,

To create a new direction.

You have the power to live in your greatest expression of peace.

What works for you?

That is the baseline to peace.

As I've said multiple times,

It's not easy.

It's not simple.

It takes work.

It takes focus.

But you do deserve that.

And you do deserve to live your best life.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.