Do You Have Emotional Debt?

What you carry, you must pay for in one way or another. That’s true whether it’s actual financial debt, physical debt of not respecting your body, mental debt from not thinking thoughts that serve you, or emotional debt from suppressing your emotions. We talk so much about trauma and impactful events, but what we often truly fail to address is how the debt, the weight, shows up in our lives as a symptom to something greater. That’s why you and I are taking a one-on-one deep dive into emotional debt, what it is, and then we’ll examine one of the most significant symptoms we feel—feeling disconnected. If you ever feel emotionally exhausted, weighted down by the stories in your head, or feeling disconnected, you are not alone, but this is the conversation for you.

Transcript

When you hear the word debt,

Does your mind immediately take a leap to money and finances?

I bet it does.

Most people do.

They make that automatic leap.

But the truth is,

We all experience different types of debt in our lives.

All of which impact us within those five masters that I often talk about are mental health,

Emotional health,

Spiritual health,

Physical health,

And even financial health.

Of course,

It's easy to make the leap that having debt in any of those areas doesn't help us create sustainable,

Grounded,

In-control,

Self-authority kind of lives.

Emotional debt is one of those weird things,

Though,

Because it has a way of sneaking in without us even truly witnessing that it's there or even what it is.

So I thought we would break it down today and then talk about one of the biggest symptoms and behaviors that show up.

Most of us don't make this leap that we even have emotional debt because,

Honestly,

Have you heard that term?

Probably not.

You've probably heard emotional baggage or emotional intelligence.

We talk about trauma and trauma loops and actions.

But when we talk about emotional debt,

We kind of skirt around the how or why,

Or we dismiss it altogether.

It is what it is,

That saying,

Right?

Which should also be in the land of no-no with the word should.

But as I always say,

We can't change what we don't know about,

And we cannot do anything with what we feel if we don't first have acceptance and give ourself permission to really sit in it,

Identify what it is,

And then make changes through it,

Right?

So let's talk about emotional debt,

And we can easily divide it into two different areas.

The first type of emotional debt is created based on societal norms and social patterns.

So the things that happen in our house and those popular beliefs in our culture.

Like a certain culture is better than another,

Or it's wrong to love who you choose,

Or you should dress this way and not that way.

You get it.

It's the outside noise that causes inside problems.

Ooh,

I'm going to say that again.

Emotional debt is often outside noise that causes inside problems.

Can you feel that?

The other type of emotional debt,

Which comes from our personal feelings of something we've connected to,

So like trauma or loss or grief or a host of other negative connections,

Is something that did not have enough attention,

Therefore was not witnessed or properly healed.

If you're a regular listener,

You've heard me say the only way through something is all the way through it,

Right?

Trauma doesn't happen to us.

It happens through us.

These hard experiences are connected from the outside to the inside.

We have a big stamp of emotion,

And our brain says,

Ooh,

This is the new pattern.

This is what we're going to use when we bump up against something else that's like this.

So think of emotional debt as an event or an experience happening outside of you,

But it enters your mind and it stays put.

It's never given an opportunity to break free and find its way through you.

So how does that happen,

Right?

That's usually the question.

How does that happen?

Why does that happen?

And the answer is sort of twofold.

One,

Most people aren't taught about their emotions.

And if we're not taught something,

How are we supposed to process it?

And two,

We have an unwillingness to sit in our emotions.

And the truth is,

Parents,

You guys often provide emotional debt without even realizing it.

It's the don't cry.

Don't feel your emotions.

What's going to happen later on when big things happen to us?

We tell ourselves,

Don't cry.

Don't feel this.

Don't sit in it.

Just get over it,

Right?

So it's this understanding that what we feel is not worthy of our time.

And every time we allow that thought process to control how we move through a moment,

We make a deposit.

We deposit into the debt pile and we really hold it within ourselves.

So let me ask you a question.

Do you have emotional debt?

I have to tell you,

Whether you can say yes,

Definitely,

Or you're not sure,

A lot of times our emotional debt is below the surface.

We don't even realize it.

But yet we can see it in our actions and our thoughts and our behavior.

And it comes through the messages that we speak,

The internal conversations,

The patterns of thoughts and feelings that we really find ourselves stuck in.

Air quotes,

Stuck.

It's in the language of broken and unhealed.

It's in anxiety,

Stress,

And even depression.

It's in that rumination of uncertainty.

So in the interest of time,

Let's look at personal debt before we move on to one of those biggest symptoms,

Which is disconnection of the self and lacking self-authority.

Remember,

A personal emotional debt is something unique to you.

And it's all about the experience in which you connected.

So having a certain feeling,

A thought,

An action,

An experience,

A trauma,

You name it,

This is how personal debt occurs.

It's all the emotions that you've stored in your mind and body,

Which you've not expressed for one reason or another.

Perhaps you've told yourself it's not safe,

Or you're worried about what other people think,

Or you're uncertain of actually what it is.

Whatever it is that you feel and the reason why you're stifling your emotions,

You must realize that just because you won't deal with them does not mean they simply go away.

Our emotions lie in wait,

Literally holding within our body.

And this becomes the background noise of your life,

Of your thought process,

Of your emotions.

For many,

They really struggle to understand that it doesn't just have to be big trauma that causes emotional debt.

Our definition of trauma is anything for any reason that may cause a disturbance in your emotions.

So someone teasing you in elementary school can leave behind a debt that you haven't dealt with.

And now every time you have to meet new people,

Or you have to be in a group setting,

You have this story in your head,

They're not going to like me,

I'm not going to fit in,

Or I hate meeting people.

This is emotional debt speaking to you.

And let's be honest,

Emotions are tricky because they are not facts.

You may have heard me say that before,

But my emotions mean something different to me than they do to you.

Can't you see how we get in trouble because we relate everything in our lives through the lens of our experiences?

And we think everyone else has the ability to understand where we're coming from at all times.

And that just isn't the truth.

More so,

Many of us are taught that we have to relate to an experience in a way that suits everyone.

But that's not true.

We connect the way that we connect.

We connect within a way that makes sense for us.

And however our connection is brought forth is the evidence in which we store in our brain pattern that says this is how we will respond each and every time.

Think about how many times you've done something and someone will bring up a situation or an experience.

For example,

I was talking to a woman in session one time and she was talking about her fear of going to a certain city because it was a place that one of her closest friends was murdered.

Now that's a terrible event,

Right?

That's a trauma.

That's a stored emotional debt if she hasn't worked through the grief.

She had to go for work and she was absolutely terrified.

It's a valid feeling,

Right?

But as she is relating all of these feelings that she has based on the certain city and how she has connected to this moment,

Something was happening within me.

She was talking about one of my favorite cities.

So where she was in emotional debt,

I was in exhilaration.

The city is New York City.

And to be honest,

Again,

It's one of my favorite places.

I love the diversity,

The energy,

The creativity that seeps from the concrete.

It just seeps into my soul.

I could spend a hundred days there and it still wouldn't be enough for me.

My emotional connection is love.

Hers is the debt of fear.

Neither are wrong.

It's based on our individual experiences.

This is where it comes to the understanding that sometimes we are speaking a language that someone else can't understand.

Emotions are not facts.

And debt has a way of showing up even if we don't realize it.

If we don't properly experience,

Process,

And release our emotions,

It hits the bank of debt.

How does this happen?

Just like I said a moment ago,

It's all about connecting to a moment.

And yet it's not a black and white process.

Just because something may not be a big deal to someone else,

It may be a big deal to you,

Like New York.

So if someone shares their emotional debt with you,

It's never up for comparison or downgrading because it doesn't logically fit into the box of your emotional understanding.

I had to hand that over before I say,

How does this happen?

Again,

It's about connection.

So if we have a big moment and we're connecting to it in a way that we have an emotional experience,

This becomes the way that we connect.

So we want to be aware of what we're feeling,

How we're feeling,

Why we're locking that process in.

And we're going to talk about that as we move through our conversation today.

But before we go any deeper,

Let's talk about the symptom of that connection,

Right?

Because you understand now that emotional debt is this space that we do not move through when we need to.

And there is a symptom of it that so many of us experience.

And it can kind of help us understand that this process is in action in and of itself.

So what is it?

What is the symptom?

It is disconnection.

First,

What do I mean when I say disconnection?

Feeling disconnected means detached from the real you,

The person that you know yourself to be.

Now,

When I say that to many people,

There's a question that comes up.

What if I don't know the real me?

And I want you to think about the fact that for the most part,

You do know you.

Even if you're confused about the most basic parts of yourself,

You do know you.

If I asked you,

What makes you happy?

You could probably tell me.

If I asked you,

What do you need to be fulfilled?

You probably have a list that's ready to roll off your tongue.

This is you speaking,

Right?

So don't overthink it.

You do know.

Don't question.

Just know that this is a part of you.

Disconnection,

However,

Can feel like you're walking through a fog.

And sometimes I hear,

Well,

I feel like a zombie.

Or I just really don't know.

I feel so broken.

My life literally sucks.

I hear that so often.

And it's interesting when I see that.

And I hear it because I want to ask,

One,

Are you disconnected?

Are you living in emotional debt?

Or are you just in a negative headspace that makes it feel like you're disconnected?

And I want to kind of go through that because we need to know what disconnection really is.

And there are some indicators.

So let's go through those.

Oftentimes,

When you are disconnected,

You feel like your emotions aren't real.

Or that you are sort of in this daydream that you're floating away from yourself.

Or you are present,

But you're really not there.

I hear that a lot,

Too.

You can recognize it in a way that feels as if you're outside of yourself.

And I want to give you a few signs.

Now,

Please listen.

I always have a few wonderful ladies that write in and say,

Oh,

You know,

This episode made me realize I was dealing with an issue.

And I wrote it down.

And I began researching.

And I realized that there's so much more to what you were talking about.

And of course,

There is.

We don't have time to go through every symptom and sign,

Right?

So remember,

These are just some of the baselines.

And you have the power to do your own research.

You have the power to work with someone like me or someone else.

And dive even deeper if you're beginning to recognize that some of these actions are present in your life.

That you have emotional debt.

Or you are disconnected.

So let's talk about some of those fairly easy symptoms to identify.

And if it's not easy,

Then again,

Working with someone or even asking questions of those that you're closest to and that you trust may be helpful as well.

So some of those signs.

Number one,

Feeling unsettled.

If you feel irritable or upset or that feeling of doom for no reason at all.

Like you cannot pinpoint it.

There's nothing really harmful or stressful or negative happening in your life.

You may actually be disconnected from yourself.

Of course,

There are many reasons for those feelings.

So things like lack of sleep,

Being hungry,

Right?

That's a big one.

Hormones,

Stress,

Depression,

Medications,

Physical issues.

But if you take stock and inventory of everything happening in your life and everything seems to be in order,

You are likely disconnected.

And you must question the cause.

Okay,

Let's move to the second one.

And it's being emotionally avoidant,

Right?

I mean,

Not really being able to get into a space where you will sit in your emotions.

And of course,

The term emotionally avoidant automatically really brings up the fact that we are probably disconnected.

But avoiding and suppressing your emotions always leads to a disconnection because you're not living in the present moment and you're not engaging with the whole of you.

Put that into your mind right now.

That if you avoid something,

You're not acting from the whole.

You're not witnessing your feelings.

You're not allowing yourself to really be present.

You are just floating.

And let me go a step further and say,

If something is happening and you know that you should feel angry or upset or you should feel a certain emotion and you don't feel them at all,

You are disconnected.

You are detached.

Okay,

I am often told,

I don't know how I feel.

And when I hear that,

I try to dig deeper.

So I encourage you to do the same.

Is that a mental block,

Right?

I just don't want to sit in it.

I don't know how to process it.

So I'm just going to say,

I don't know.

Or is this a disconnection?

Because when we're really disconnected,

We often do not have a space to process our emotions because we don't know what they are.

If you ultimately work your way to understanding,

Even if it's just a basic understanding,

You work your way back into the reality of your emotional debt and you give yourself the ability to actually connect.

So dig deeper.

This next one is going to seem a bit counterintuitive,

But it's not.

So just hang with me.

And it is feeling too much emotion.

Is that possible?

Can we feel too much emotion?

The answer is yes.

If your emotions are overwhelming you,

You can actually feel too much,

Right?

And when we become overwhelmed with emotional issues or we're causing ourselves emotional stress,

We begin to check out,

Not necessarily even consciously.

Sometimes the subconscious says,

Whoa,

Overload.

The brain says,

Fight,

Flight,

Or freeze.

I can't do this.

This is way too much.

And we begin to shut everything down just for self-protection.

Right?

When life is vying for your constant attention and care,

A lot of times we go to a space where we can really hold off that stress because the potential cost is way too high for us.

And while it may seem like a good idea to go there,

Right?

Or to remove the stress in your life,

It is an illusion.

It's a facade.

It's a wall that is always going to come crashing down.

It is again,

Putting a big deposit in that emotional debt bank and saying,

Eh,

I'll worry about it later.

But everything you avoid by checking out will always find a way to return.

Again,

I'm going to say it again.

The only way through anything is through it.

A lot of times too,

When we feel too much,

We head to the kitchen to eat.

We head to the bar to drown it out.

We head online to shop.

We do all the things in hopes of killing the emotion,

But stress happens.

And when we detach,

We create more trouble for ourselves.

And we have to be willing to really be connected in our lives to avoid the emotional debt bank and be in it.

Now let's move on to that feeling of not having a purpose or meaning.

You are disconnected if you are removed from your dreams,

From your purpose.

When you can't find your way through anything,

And when what you're doing doesn't matter,

Or you say,

I'm lost,

Or I'm broken,

No matter how temporary,

Or you are in a space where,

You know,

My passion,

My desire to chase my dreams,

To hone my craft,

Or,

You know,

Just be in anything isn't there.

Or maybe,

Maybe even worse of all is that you've already thrown the towel in.

Please know that you are disconnected from the real you.

When we are there,

When we're in that space of having no purpose or meaning,

There's another byproduct of all of that,

And it's not having a true sense of what you stand for.

It's this space of moving through life,

Not really acting from a space that belongs to you.

You're riddled with limitations and uncertainty.

You are living someone else's dream and life and wondering why you're in this constant state of,

Why aren't things happening for me?

Or why are things happening to me?

Or what is this?

And why am I experiencing it?

And doesn't it get any better?

Right?

That's a disconnection,

And it's something that we have to get out of.

Of course,

These things that I just mentioned are only minor symptoms of disconnection.

They are also symptoms of emotional debt.

But the really beautiful and good news is that we can actually minimize this space that we're operating from.

If you heard what I was describing and you connected to it,

Please know that you can turn it around.

And I want to give you a couple exercises to help you with that turnaround and really get into a space where you're no longer thinking about the disconnection,

But headed back to deal with the emotional debt,

The pieces that brought you to that space.

Remember,

This is a symptom.

So first one,

When you start feeling irritable or the emotions are getting too big,

The world is on your shoulders and you can't really connect to the reason why,

I want you to tell yourself to stop and take inventory.

Confront your feelings.

You may have heard me talk about discovery questions.

I love them.

I want you to begin to ask them.

They're really basic.

What am I feeling?

Why do I feel that way?

Was there something that occurred that I didn't realize really impacted me?

I connected to it.

I put it into the debt bank,

And now I realize that it's bothering me.

Question the emotion of what you're actually feeling too.

What is this emotion?

Is it sadness?

Is it fear?

Is it anger?

What is it?

Asking these questions,

Taking inventory helps us find our way back.

It takes us to the bank and says,

You know what?

I don't necessarily need to deposit this.

I can actually just throw it away.

And so this is the space where I want you to get into.

What am I feeling?

Do I want to feel this way?

I need to stop and take inventory,

And then that way I can give myself a plan.

Okay?

So the second exercise is really to take notice when you're doing things to meet the unhealthy disconnection.

This is something so many people do,

And we do it mindlessly.

So what does that look like?

It looks like going to the kitchen and eating the entire bag of chips when you're not really hungry,

Because you're trying to satisfy the emotions that's happening within you,

And you have completely disconnected from yourself,

And the emotional debt is in control.

It's being asked to be paid.

If you catch yourself online shopping to feed that hollow filling,

That's disconnection.

If you find yourself doing things like over-exercising or disconnecting from a friend because it's too much for you,

That's avoidance.

Begin to identify the habits so that you can make yourself aware and give yourself a framework.

You know,

When I begin to feel this way,

I do X,

Y,

And Z,

And this is a form of me disconnecting and avoiding what's happening below the surface.

Does this take a hell of a lot of awareness?

Yes.

Is this an easy process?

No.

Is it absolutely worth it?

Yes.

Okay?

Hard?

Yes.

Worth it?

Yes.

Is it going to be something that's going to challenge the hell out of you?

Absolutely,

It will.

Does it provide the best outcome to start changing the rhythm of disconnection and the emotional debt bank?

Yes,

It does.

Okay?

But if that is too much for you,

I want you to start dreaming again.

Remember,

When we set goals,

We're giving ourselves a motivation,

A place to go.

That,

In and of itself,

Allows us to really key in and be present with ourselves.

So,

In the morning,

Make a list of everything you strive for during that day.

Not this,

Like,

Erroneous list,

Right?

Not this thing that has seven pages to it and there's no possibility of ever getting it done.

That actually tanks our mindset even more.

But really,

This targeted set of goals that you want to strive to meet for that day.

And then,

You can make a separate list of things that you want in the long term,

If you need to.

I personally have my to-do list separated in three categories.

Must,

Could,

And should.

Must is imperative.

Could is the next phase that I go to if I've already met my must.

And should are things that are more long-term that I need to work to get to.

And my shoulds get moved into the could and must category.

Now,

The word should,

I know I sound like I'm contradicting myself when I say we don't need to have the word should.

And in this term,

What I really mean by should is I need to be doing these things,

But I can't do them exactly today.

But I need to keep them in my focus,

In my radar.

So not should,

Like,

You should be doing these things,

Quote unquote,

Or the world's going to end.

But should being these are the long-term targeted goals.

Okay?

Not a contradiction.

Just don't have a better word.

Maybe I need to open my thesaurus.

All right.

The next thing is to begin to recognize when you're becoming numb to your emotions.

Now,

This again is a little bit more difficult to do.

A lot of times when we get into a space of numbness,

If we don't have a lot of self-authority or self-awareness,

We don't recognize it.

It's very much like the emotional debt bank,

But begin to really witness what do my emotions mean to me?

If you know what your emotions mean to you,

You actually give yourself a space of operation to know how you're showing up emotionally as well.

So if you know those things,

When you are present in everything that you do,

You can kind of get into a space where you say,

You know,

Am I feeling this or am I suppressing this?

Those are two questions that really do make an impact and it does open our mind into a space that allows us to feel our feelings,

Get out of the emotional debt bank,

And also stay out of disconnection.

Of course,

Some other ways to do this would be to physically exercise in a healthy way,

Journal your feelings,

Brain dump,

Meditate,

Find space for yourself,

Take a walk,

Take a run,

Whatever it is.

As long as you do not fully disconnect from the whole of you,

You stay in a space where you can handle the emotions that come and stay out of the emotional debt.

Those,

Of course,

Are just a few examples,

But let's go back to the emotional debt.

Okay?

And I want to give you another understanding.

I want you to think of emotional debt as the stacking of all things that you refuse to deal with.

Can you see that now?

Right?

In the beginning,

I said it's a process of not connecting in a healthy way.

And now you can also see that it's a stacking of things.

I've got too much going on.

There's too many feelings that are hitting me.

I don't feel safe in all of this.

And we begin to stack,

Stack,

Stack in hopes of having to not deal,

Deal,

Deal.

It's a process,

Right?

Emotional debt is a process.

And if we want to get out of it beyond looking at the symptoms,

Beyond taking care of that,

We have to go back to what it takes to grow.

And that is a process.

Again,

Do it with someone you trust.

Do it with a licensed and trained mental health practitioner,

Therapist,

Psychotherapist,

Life coach,

Whatever it is,

Right?

Whatever makes you feel most comfortable.

But let's look at the process of growth so that you understand that it is the same as getting out of the emotional debt bank.

One,

It starts with accepting and a willingness to do the hard work.

It then moves you into a place of giving yourself permission to make changes.

Permission is necessary,

Right?

Because if we actually don't give ourselves permission,

We can start this journey and then quit because we're like,

Why is this so damn hard?

And I don't want to do this.

I don't want to do this is the exact opposite of permission.

Okay?

So permission is necessary.

And then we begin to identify how things are showing up in our lives.

We look at our thought process.

We learn about our emotions and we gain control of our need to feel safe and what that looks like for us,

Right?

It allows us to give ourselves a plan.

It allows us to seek support.

Growth means you're willing to seek closure on situations that made you feel indebted to the situation.

Indebted means it's in your mind.

It's in your heart.

It's in that constant loop of things happening.

Growth is learning that peace is far more important than holding onto that pain.

It's not allowing the subconscious to rule everything.

It's not allowing yourself to be in debt to something that happened before giving your power away.

If you need help,

Don't hesitate to ask someone.

Someone is willing to hold your hand in the good and bad.

And when I say that many of you write in and say,

But what does that look like?

What is this journey?

What should I expect?

And the first answer to all of that is your growth journey is individual.

It never is cookie cutter ever.

But some of the things that you're learning when you're letting go,

When you're reconnecting with yourself,

When you're learning yourself for the first time,

In fact,

Or when you're letting go of this emotional debt,

You learn how to understand your emotions.

You learn what your emotions are.

You learn why you hold onto things,

Your emotional triggers,

How to regain control of strong emotions that overpower you and so many other things.

It's necessary when you're in this space of disconnection,

Of allowing your emotional debt to own you,

To ask yourself one question that can change everything.

One question.

That question is,

What is the cost of this debt?

What is the cost?

How is this impacting my life?

How is this impacting my children,

My relationship,

My job,

My physical health,

My emotional health,

My spiritual health,

My financial health,

My mental health?

What is the cost of this debt?

And when you break that down,

You begin to really understand that there is no amount of emotional debt that is worth your time,

Your energy,

Your thought process,

And most certainly your headspace.

When you have something you must deal with,

It is first acceptance and permission.

And please know there's no shame.

It's okay to have something that you need to learn from.

That is the essence of life.

Life is a learning game.

It happens to every one of us,

Even all of us who are trained and have hundreds of tools at our disposal.

We have to explore why we feel the way we do.

We have to get curious.

And when you do,

When you realize there's so much more waiting for you,

When you connect to the world in a way that doesn't feel small or limited or boxed in or dark,

You allow the whole of you,

This beautiful light that you are,

To step in,

To be in charge,

To hold off the emotional debt,

And to really allow yourself to shine.

It's a space of feeling.

It's a space of growth and healing and progress.

It's a space that's not limited to age or income or background or anything you may experience.

There's always something waiting for you.

And when you know that,

When you get out of the space of paying for yesterday's events,

Is the day,

Is the space that you learn to get your life together.

And that is an essential step into getting into self-love and self-peace.

You absolutely do deserve that.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.