Today,
I want to talk about something that might actually surprise you.
Because it goes against a lot of what we've been taught about how to push ourselves to succeed.
Here's the thing.
So many of us walk around with this inner voice that's constantly criticizing us.
We mess up at work and we call ourselves stupid.
We miss a goal and we tell ourselves we're a failure.
And we do it because somewhere along the way,
We learned that being hard on ourselves is what keeps us motivated.
But here's what the research actually shows.
And this was definitely news for me.
Self-compassion doesn't make you soft.
It actually makes you stronger.
More resilient,
And yes,
Even more successful.
I'm Elizabeth Cronin,
A psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher,
And today I'm going to talk about what self-compassion really is.
What the science says about it,
And how you can actually start using it in your everyday life.
So first.
Let's just acknowledge something.
It makes total sense that so many of us default to self-criticism.
I mean,
We live in a culture that basically worships achievement and perfectionism.
May we grow up?
Seeing Superheroes.
And there's always those flawless Instagram feeds.
And we absorb this message that if you're not perfect,
You need to try harder.
Push more.
Or at least buy the right product.
There's even this popular idea that Nice guys,
Finished last.
That being kind,
Especially to yourself,
Is somehow a weakness.
I think the idea is that ruthlessness is what actually gets results.
And a lot of this is deeply rooted in history.
Western culture has long valued striving and self-improvement.
There's a whole philosophical and even religious traditions built around that.
And look.
That drive has accomplished incredible things.
But it's also created a lot of unnecessary suffering.
Especially when we start directing all that criticism against ourselves.
Because the problem.
.
.
That inner critic.
It backfires.
Instead of helping you perform better.
Chronic self-criticism actually worsens your stress.
It clouds your thinking.
It makes it harder to bounce back when things go wrong.
And things will go wrong.
So what's the alternative?
Compassion.
And before you roll your eyes and think,
OK,
This is the part where she tells me to take a bubble bath.
Hang in there for a minute.
This is genuinely backed by decades of psychological research.
So what is self-compassion?
Well,
At its core,
Self-compassion is simply treating yourself the way you treat someone you care about who is struggling.
Think about that for a second.
If your best friend came to you and said,
I totally bombed that presentation at work today.
I'm such an idiot.
You wouldn't say,
Yeah,
You're right,
You're kind of an idiot.
You need to try harder.
You'd probably say something like,
Hey,
That sounds really hard.
Everyone has off days.
What can we do to make it better?
So self-compassion is offering that same response to yourself.
Now,
Our understanding of the significance of self-compassion is relatively new.
A psychologist named Kristin Neff is really the pioneer of modern self-compassion research.
Back in 2003,
She formally introduced the concept to the field of psychology.
And when she did that,
She identified three core components that work together as part of self-compassion.
So the first one is mindfulness.
So that's about noticing when you're struggling.
Without over-dramatizing it,
But also without pushing it away or ignoring it.
Instead of spiraling into this idea that I'm such a failure,
You pause and observe.
Right now,
I'm experiencing some really tough feelings.
You see it clearly?
Without getting swallowed up by it.
Now the second.
Component is common humanity.
This one is so important and so easy to forget.
When we're going through something hard,
We tend to feel completely alone in it.
Like we're the only one who makes mistakes or the only one who struggles.
But the truth is,
Everyone does.
And struggling is just part of being human.
So you are not uniquely broken.
And the third component is self-kindness.
And that's instead of attacking yourself when you fall short.
You offer yourself some encouragement and support.
The same way you'd comfort a friend.
And you talk to someone like you're someone who is on your side.
And you think about what you might do to help yourself feel better.
It might be calling a friend or taking a walk.
Or making yourself a cup of tea or coffee.
So that's the three components.
Now let's look at the science,
Because here's where it gets really interesting,
As the research on this is genuinely compelling.
Studies show that people who practice self-compassion are actually more likely to take positive action after failure,
Not less.
So the kinder you are to yourself,
The more likely you are.
To make whatever corrections are necessary.
Then there was a scientific review of four separate studies.
That found that people who responded to personal failures with understanding and acceptance were more motivated to improve,
Not less.
And this makes sense.
I mean,
We know that we help those we care about get back on track when we're kind,
Supportive,
And encouraging.
Okay,
There's more.
A 2010 study found that self-compassion helps people reframe stressful situations more positively and cope more effectively.
And another study,
This is my favorite,
Showed that self-compassion actually reduces procrastination.
And that's because.
.
.
Self-compassionate people aren't paralyzed by the fear of messing up.
They know that if they make a mistake,
They won't beat themselves up about it.
So here's a way I like to think about it.
If you've injured your foot.
Standing there and cursing at your foot isn't going to help it heal any faster.
But cleaning the wound,
Resting your foot,
Giving your foot proper care,
That's what allows for recovery.
Self-compassion is that kind of care for mental or emotional wounds.
So let me paint a picture of what this actually looks and feels like in real life.
Imagine you've just had one of those days.
Maybe you sent an email with a glaring mistake.
You snapped at someone you care about.
Or you totally blanked on something you were supposed to remember.
Your first instinct is probably to cringe.
And then to replay the moment over and over.
And maybe tell yourself some version of,
Oh,
I should have known better.
But a self-critical response is like putting a microphone in the hands of our inner critic.
Right away we start to hear the negative messages loud and clear.
I'm so careless.
Why do I always do this?
What is wrong with me?
And as you spiral,
Your autonomic nervous system kicks in and releases stress hormones that make it even harder to think clearly.
So you're in no position to come up with a helpful plan to move forward.
A self-compassionate response starts just by noticing.
That's the first part,
The mindfulness part.
I'm really upset right now.
This is hard.
This is difficult.
And then.
The self-compassion,
You remind yourself that This kind of thing happens.
This is part of being human.
I'm not the only person who's ever made a mistake.
Then the third component.
You offer yourself something kind.
You ask,
What do I need right now to feel a little steadier so I can figure out the next right step?
Now,
For many of us,
I know for myself,
This is a whole new way of responding to a tough situation.
So while it might feel strange to put into practice,
I want you to know it really is,
It's worth it.
Science shows that the self-compassionate path is the one that leads to better decisions.
Better recovery and overall better results.
So how do you actually start building this skill?
Well,
Here are two simple places to begin.
First.
Notice yourself talk.
Start paying attention to that inner voice.
And when you catch yourself saying something harsh like,
Oh,
I'm so stupid,
Or,
Oh,
I'll never get this right.
Just pause.
Maybe take a deep breath.
And ask yourself.
When I say this to a friend.
If not,
Try reframing it.
What would you say to someone you love in this moment?
Second is the second where you can practice.
Try pausing during the day just to check in on how you're feeling.
Sometimes we're stressed or struggling and we don't even consciously realize it.
But our bodies know.
You might notice tension in your shoulders,
Tightness in your chest,
Or clenching in your jaw.
When you catch it.
Treat it as a signal that you're struggling,
Even if it's just with a little frustration or a small setback.
Because these are small moments when you can practice giving yourself some self-compassion.
And just like mindfulness-based stress reduction programs have shown,
Even small moments of practice,
Like these,
They're done consistently.
That can meaningfully increase your self-compassion over time.
Here's what I want you to take away from today.
The pressure you put on yourself.
It doesn't have to be the thing that drives you.
There's another way.
One that actually works better and feels a whole lot kinder.
So the next time you're feeling distraught,
See if you can pause.
Acknowledge what you're feeling.
Remind yourself that you're not alone.
And offer yourself a little of that kindness that you'd give to someone you love.
It might feel weird at first.
It might even feel like you're letting yourself off the hook.
But the research is clear.
Self-compassion isn't a shortcut,
It's a strategy.
And it just might be the thing that helps you do your best work yet.
Thank you so much for watching!
Take care and be well.
