People-Pleasers: What Your Inner Child Wants You To Know

If you're exhausted from saying yes when you mean no, this talk is for you. You've become so good at making everyone else comfortable that you've forgotten what you want. Your inner child has been waiting to tell you something important: you don't have to earn love by disappearing anymore.

In this healing talk, you'll hear a letter from your inner child explaining how people-pleasing began and what she needs from you now. You'll learn why this pattern formed, what it's costing you, and how to reparent the little girl inside who learned that love came with conditions.

Includes guided reparenting practices, an ancient Sanskrit mantra for returning to your authentic truth, and a vision of what becomes possible when you choose yourself as much as you choose others.

Perfect for anyone ready to stop shape-shifting and start showing up as their real, beautiful, authentic selves.

Transcript

Well hello,

This is Deb Blum here.

My guess is the reason why you decided to open up this particular talk is because you identify as a people pleaser,

And because maybe you're a little bit curious about what your inner child has to say to you.

Maybe you want to know a little bit more about what your inner child needs from you and what you can do about it.

While I don't know your story,

I'm going to share with you what I think she might say to you in a letter if she could,

Knowing that you,

As an adult,

Are a people pleaser.

Hi,

I'm really excited that you're finally listening to me.

I have so much I want to tell you.

Remember when we used to cry in our room and nobody came,

And when Mommy and Daddy were too busy or too tired for us,

And when we were scared and we didn't know what to do?

I'm still that little girl,

And I live inside your heart with all those hurt feelings.

We used to be together,

Remember?

But then we learned that Mommy and Daddy only smiled at us when we were good,

And when we did what they needed us to do or wanted us to do,

Or when we made them happy.

But when we had our own ideas or wanted something different,

They got that look on their faces,

The one that made our tummy hurt.

So we learned to hide what we wanted and just try to make everybody else happy instead.

It was so scary when people were mad at us.

So do you remember,

We got really,

Really good at reading faces and figuring out what everybody else wanted?

We became like a chameleon,

And we could change our color so fast that nobody would ever be upset with us.

And we also watched Mommy.

She never did anything for herself because she didn't want to be selfish.

So we learned that putting everyone else first was good and having our own needs was so bad.

And then our friends at school liked us more when we did what they wanted,

Even when we didn't want to.

So we kept doing more of the things that everybody else wanted us to do.

And you know what?

It made us feel safe,

Like we belonged.

And then people sometimes didn't listen when we said no.

So we stopped saying it,

And we learned that other people's feelings were more important than ours,

And even stopped having those feelings and needs.

And you know what?

We're really,

Really good at it now.

Everyone totally thinks we're so nice and easy to be with.

We never cause any problems,

We always say yes,

And we make everybody feel comfortable.

I don't know about you,

Though.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of hiding.

I'm tired of not mattering.

And you know what?

I'm tired of you forgetting about me while you worry about everybody else.

I think that you're afraid that people are only going to like us if we're easy,

And that they won't like us if we start having an opinion.

But what I don't think you understand is that who I need is you.

Not them,

But you.

And sometimes I try to tell you what I want,

But you shush me.

You're too scared that someone might not like us if we speak up.

But here's the thing.

I'm still little,

But you're the grown-up now.

I need you to listen to me,

But I also need you to remember that you're in charge,

Not me.

I don't want to be the boss.

It's just too scary for a little girl.

I want you to take care of me.

I want you to ask me what I want sometimes,

And to care about my feelings,

And to tell me it's okay if someone else is disappointed and that you will be here for me.

I need you to love me,

And that means that sometimes you might have to be brave enough to not always be so perfect or helpful or nice so that you can focus on me.

Can you do that?

Can you be my grown-up?

Because I've been waiting so long for you to choose me,

Not just everybody else.

To make me feel safe because you are with me,

Not turn away from me and try to get safety from everybody else,

Not try to win the love and approval of everyone else,

But instead turn around and love me.

I think if you did that,

We would both feel a lot better.

I would feel safer,

And maybe you would feel less alone.

Maybe if you had me connected to you and I had you connected to me,

Then you'd feel braver about not having to do everything for everybody and we could have our own feelings and thoughts and opinions.

I know,

We've been doing this for a really long time,

But I think it's time for us to do something different.

And if you want to,

I want to.

Will you at least think about it?

Thanks,

Mom.

I love you.

I hope you love me too.

So how did that feel?

Did it resonate at all with you?

Maybe you can think about it in the context of your own story and wonder into what might your inner child say to you in a letter.

What your inner child just shared with you is the story of how people pleasing begins for many of us.

And let's just be clear that this is not a character flaw.

It's a brilliant survival strategy that a little person developed to stay safe and loved.

You didn't choose to become a people pleaser.

You survived by becoming one.

Most people pleasers grew up in environments where love felt conditional.

Maybe your parents were only affectionate when you were good,

And good meant being quiet and compliant and not causing problems.

Maybe they withdrew their warmth when you expressed needs that inconvenienced them.

Maybe conflict felt dangerous in your family,

Where someone's displeasure or disagreement could derail everyone's mood,

And then you learned that keeping everyone happy was your job.

Maybe you learned that you need to earn love.

You need to earn affection and attention and smiles.

Maybe you watched one of your parents sacrifice themselves endlessly,

And you learned that self-sacrifice equals love.

Maybe you experienced boundary violations,

Times when your no wasn't respected,

And you learned to stop saying no because it didn't matter anyway.

Nobody listened.

As a little person,

You made a brilliant adaptation.

Basically,

It went like this.

If I can figure out what everyone else wants and give it to them,

I'll be safe,

I'll be loved,

And I'll belong.

And in many ways,

It worked.

And this strategy got you through childhood and probably years after that,

And it kept you feeling like you were connected.

The problem is this.

What keeps a child safe often becomes a prison for an adult.

Here are some of the things that this might be costing you.

Well,

For one,

Your authentic self.

You've been so skilled at shape-shifting and identifying what it is that you need to be or who you need to be for other people that you've lost track of your own shape.

You don't know what you want because you've spent decades focusing on what everyone else wants.

And it robs your energy from you.

Constantly monitoring their needs and managing their comfort.

It's exhausting.

And I know that you're running on empty.

It also impacts and costs you your relationships,

Or at least deep relationships.

They begin to feel so surface-level because people only know the version of you that's designed to please them.

They don't know your depths.

They don't know your edges.

And yeah,

It's true.

They don't know your flaws and your quirkiness because you probably don't show it to them.

But that is your full humanity.

Another cost is your inner peace.

You probably live in a constant low-level anxiety,

Always scanning for signs of displeasure,

Of people's disappointments,

And then always ready to adjust yourself to keep other people comfortable,

Or at least not to upset them.

And last,

And maybe most importantly,

Is the cost has been to your inner child's trust in you.

That young part of you inside feels abandoned by the one person who's supposed to care for her most at this point in your life,

Which is you.

Okay,

Yeah,

It's true.

Your parents should have been that for you.

And they may have been in some ways.

But any places where you're lacking now,

Where you have unmet emotional needs,

It's you who has to be there for yourself,

For your inner child.

Your inner child's been trying to tell you who she really is,

But you keep shushing her to keep the peace with everyone else.

You don't want to rock the boat.

You don't want to feel unsafe.

You're scared to change this.

I know you are.

But it's time.

Let's take a moment to tune into this inner child part of yours.

You can do this with your eyes open or closed.

You can even do this while you're driving,

But then I definitely recommend you keep your eyes open.

But put your hand on your heart.

You know that little girl who learned to please everyone to stay safe?

She lives there.

And she's been waiting for you to come home to her.

Together,

Let's take a long,

Slow,

Deep breath in.

And a long,

Slow,

Spacious exhale.

Just imagine her,

Maybe five or six years old,

Trying so hard to be good.

To be what everyone wants her to be.

Take a look at her with compassion.

She was doing the best that she knew how.

She was trying to keep you safe,

Loved,

Connected,

Not hurt.

So I think we can thank her for that incredible effort.

But now that you're realizing that you're the adult here and that your job is to take care of her,

To reparent her,

To love her the way that you needed and wanted as a child,

Maybe you can say something like,

Sweetheart,

I'm the grown-up now.

And I don't want you to ever think you have to earn my love by disappearing or saying the perfect thing or doing the right thing.

And then let's say a few other things together.

Again,

With your hand on your heart,

Speaking directly to her.

Tell her,

I'm here and I'm listening.

You are worthy and valuable to me no matter what others think.

What you want and how you feel is important to me.

I will practice getting more okay if someone is disappointed in us when we speak up or when we say no or when we say what we think or we want.

I will stay connected to you even if we feel scared that we've upset someone.

Take a breath.

What's happening in your body right now as you say those words?

It's okay if it brings up a little bit of fear.

It's also okay if it brings up some relief.

Maybe your shoulders are dropping and you're feeling like,

Oh my goodness,

This is what I've needed to hear.

Because remember,

You are speaking to yourself.

You are speaking to the young you,

The version of you that's inside of you waiting for you.

It's also okay if you feel some sadness for all the years that she's been waiting to hear this from you.

Whatever you feel is welcome here.

She's been holding all of this for a very long time.

And if you're willing,

I invite you to make her a promise.

Something like,

I'm going to start paying attention to what you want,

Not just what everyone else wants.

I'm going to learn who we really are underneath all of this pleasing.

We will build enough safety so we can be brave enough to show the world all of our beautiful,

Authentic colors.

Take another breath.

And just allow that to sink in.

Let's not rush past that.

We made her a promise.

It might be hard to keep it sometimes.

The part who became a people pleaser is really our inner protector part.

That's the part that came up with this strategy.

So resourceful of her to be safe in the world,

To win the love and approval of other people,

And to not get hurt,

To not lose their love and approval.

It was highly resourceful.

But as we said,

There is a cost for it now.

It really does imprison us in our adult years.

Well,

That same inner protector,

She's not going to quickly just drop this because she feels that this is what's been keeping you safe for all these years.

So it's very likely that she will also do something else,

Which is try to get you to forget that you even listened to this talk.

She wants status quo.

And if you want to make a change and do something different and connect with your inner child and heal her and come into wholeness with her,

You're going to have to remember and probably even put a post-it note up that reminds yourself that you want to start paying attention to what you want,

Not just what everybody else wants,

That you want to tune into your needs and make them a priority,

That you want to know who you really are underneath all of this pleasing and show up more authentically.

But there will be a part in you,

Or many parts,

Who think that that's too scary and dangerous and who only remember you as a little girl.

So the most important thing you can do is continue to listen to this talk over and over again and to remind yourself that you are the adult and it's your chance to choose.

You get to look at your inner protector and say,

Thank you so much for all the ways you've been protecting me,

But it's time for us to do something different and look at your inner child and say,

I am here with you and for you as we go through this process of learning how to show up differently in the world.

There's this ancient Sanskrit phrase that seems important for your inner child to remember,

And that phrase is,

Sat Chit Ananda,

Which means truth,

Consciousness,

And bliss.

The sages understood something profound,

That true joy only comes when we live in alignment with our authentic truth.

Not the truth that makes everyone else comfortable,

But the truth of who we actually are.

Your inner child is your Sat,

Your truth essence.

And she's been patiently waiting for you to choose truth over approval,

To choose authenticity over acceptance,

To choose your real self over your safe self.

The Buddha taught that suffering comes from attachment.

And let's be honest,

You've been attached to everyone else's opinion of you.

No judgments,

It's just the truth.

You've been trying to control their reactions by controlling yourself.

But here's what the wise ones knew.

When we stop abandoning ourselves to please others,

And when we honor our own truth,

We don't lose love.

We find it.

We find real love,

The kind that sees you fully,

And I was going to say,

And chooses you anyway.

But I think what I'd rather say is,

And chooses you because of your whole full true self.

Let's take a moment with this ancient wisdom.

Take a few breaths together.

If you're driving,

Don't close your eyes.

But if you can,

Gently allow your eyelids to float closed or soften your gaze.

And take a long,

Slow,

Deep breath in.

And a long,

Slow,

Spacious exhale.

Place your hand gently on your heart.

Feel the warmth of your own touch.

And let's quietly repeat this ancient,

Sacred phrase as a gift to your inner child.

First,

We'll say it out loud.

Sat Chit Ananda.

Now,

Allow yourself to repeat that silently in your mind just for a few moments.

Sat Chit Ananda.

Truth.

Consciousness.

Bliss.

Sat.

Sat Chit Ananda.

Ananda.

Let's take a breath to seal this ancient wisdom into your heart.

A nice,

Long,

Slow,

Deep inhale.

And a long,

Slow,

Spacious exhale.

And remember this mantra when you want to come back to your essential truth.

Sat Chit Ananda.

When you're ready,

If you haven't already,

Slowly open your eyes.

And I want to just point out that in Sat Chit Ananda,

Truth is first coming into your own truth.

But then what leads is consciousness and ultimately bliss.

That's the path for people pleasers,

Is to find your own truth,

To become more conscious,

And then to be in greater bliss.

Which brings me to what does become available.

When we start to reparent our inner child and we give her the acceptance that she's been craving,

The acceptance that she deeply desired and you deeply desired as a child,

Everything changes.

I promise you,

This will not make you less empathetic and caring.

In fact,

It might even make you more.

Because you'll be giving from authenticity instead of from fear.

You'll be giving from wholeness instead of self-abandonment.

When you reparent your inner child,

You'll build an inner validation and safety system that doesn't depend on everyone else's approval.

That doesn't mean you won't like it.

It just means you don't depend on it.

I know this sounds like a very hyperbolic statement,

But you'll discover that you can handle someone else's disappointment without dying.

And that conflict does not mean catastrophe.

I understand why there is a part of you,

A young part of you who feels that way.

Because when you are little and powerless,

Other people's disappointment especially,

Your parents or teachers or other adult figures in your life,

Their disappointment felt like you were going to die.

That you were losing their love.

And when you were in conflict,

It did feel too much to bear.

But you're an adult now and you have more power.

So as you reparent yourself,

You'll start to know yourself.

You'll learn your preferences and your boundaries and your beautiful,

Unique perspective.

And you'll begin to find the courage to share those parts of yourself with the people that you care about.

And here's what might surprise you.

People actually do want to know the real you.

Even though they might not know it,

They really have been waiting for you to show up fully.

Just like you've been waiting to feel safe enough to do it.

And yes,

Some people might push back initially when you start having opinions and preferences.

I mean,

They're used to the shape-shifting version of yourself and they've probably benefited from that.

But the people who matter and the people who truly love you will celebrate your emergence.

They'll celebrate you being brave enough to be your whole true self.

And by doing this,

You'll reclaim the enormous amount of energy that you've had to spend on reading rooms and managing moods and even suppressing yourself.

Even when you're not with anyone else,

You'll feel less alone because you'll finally be in a relationship with yourself,

Tethered to yourself.

The disconnection that you feel from your inner child is the biggest source of feeling alone in the world.

You know that feeling of being with other people,

But you kind of feel alone?

That's actually because we've become untethered from ourselves and we've become externally oriented.

When we bring back our orientation toward ourselves and we become connected to ourselves and we know ourselves,

We come from a stronger and more stable and safer base.

So then we don't feel so alone.

And when you're in these other relationships,

You'll feel more fulfilled and less alone because you're in relationship as your more authentic self.

And yes,

It's an unfolding.

You will not become your authentic self overnight.

It takes time,

But usually it's happening in alignment with how much your nervous system can handle.

So it's okay for it to take time.

And as I said before,

Your gift of empathy and connection,

They will become even more powerful when you bring your whole self into these relationships.

And when you're giving from your fullness and your authenticity and your truth,

Rather than from self-abandonment.

What I know is that your inner child is ready to come out of hiding.

The fact that you came here and listened to this talk is how I know that.

She's ready to be seen and ready to be known and to take up space in the world.

And of course that starts with you seeing her,

You knowing her,

And you showing her that she matters and that you want her to take up space in your world.

I promise you that this letter from your inner child and this whole talk is not suggesting that you stop caring about others.

It's simply a bid from her to start caring about her,

About you,

With the same level of devotion that you've always given to everyone else.

She's asking you to remember that you were lovable before you learned how to earn love through people-pleasing and that your worth isn't determined by how comfortable you make other people feel.

You are lovable.

You are worthy.

If you're already on this path or if you decided today that you are committed to this,

Well,

This is a new way of being then where your needs matter as much as everyone else's,

Where you can be empathetic and authentic,

Where you can care for others while also caring for yourself.

Your inner child has been waiting behind that wall of people-pleasing your whole life.

She holds your true colors,

Your real preferences,

Your authentic voice,

And she's ready to come out and play.

Okay,

Take a breath.

Check in with yourself.

How do you feel right now?

Are you receiving this?

Are you taking it in?

How's it feel for you?

There's no right or wrong thing to feel right now.

Just how's it feel?

I invite you to come back and listen to this over and over again because if one of your patterns in life is people-pleasing,

This letter from your inner child,

This invitation,

Might help you to realize that you can step in and you can be the adult.

You can re-parent your inner child and that you can break free from this pattern.

So keep moving toward wholeness and I'll see you there.