Hi this is Danielle and today we're going to talk about mindfulness in relationships.
As Alan Wallace says,
When the passion of hostility arises we can have a tendency to lose the contextualization of the person we are frustrated with.
He says,
In my experience hostility needs a radical decontextualization to create a good firm target.
It needs a cartoon character or a one-liner like this person is a slob.
One of the things that happens especially in our intimate relationships is that when we get frustrated with a partner or someone says something that brings up old hurts in us.
We have this whoosh.
This is what Terry real calls the whoosh and the whoosh is that sensation and for some reason it always seems to come from the bottom of us but this whoosh shows up where all of a sudden we are no longer regulated.
All of a sudden we are upset and when we engage with somebody or relate to somebody in that dysregulated whoosh state we are not really entering into intimacy or vulnerability.
Healthy relationship requires that we can recognize this whoosh and while there's nothing wrong with this whoosh it is just a natural part of our being.
It is not our most skillful self so learning how to be with the whoosh without acting from it.
And so today I'm going to walk us through a meditation that supports returning to our breath in these moments of stress or agitation with partners and seeing it as a support in returning to tenderness.
I will start and end with the bell.
To start we can take a dignified balanced and relaxed posture.
You can close your eyes or take a soft gaze and we can start with just recognizing her body.
Maybe doing a quick scan from the head all the way to the toes.
Acknowledging that you are here.
You might notice the sensation of gravity anchoring you to the earth.
For now see if you can set aside rules and responsibilities,
Plans and thoughts of the future,
Worries and anxieties and regrets and reflections of the past.
Give yourself just this time and arrive in this moment.
When you're ready you may move to focus on your breath.
You might notice the cool air as you breathe in and the warm air as you breathe out.
You might notice the rise and fall of your chest.
Wherever you feel breath strongest just staying there for a moment.
Not trying to change or control the breath in any way.
Just watching as your body breathes knowing you can always return to this breath.
We are going to bring to mind a time when you have felt overwhelmed or had a difficult moment with your partner and we're going to work to regulate through it together.
If it's easier for you to picture a difficult moment with someone who is not your partner that's okay too.
To start I'll just give you a moment to come up with a time,
A memory or to simply imagine when you might struggle within relationship.
We will be walking through these memories from the beginning to catch that whoosh that we talked about earlier.
When you're ready bring to mind the time that you've chosen.
You can imagine the moments that lead up to that activation of the whoosh in as much detail as you would like but pause before you get to the place of overwhelm.
You might notice the sounds,
The smells,
The colors,
The room,
Your body really noticing what leads up to this difficult moment.
Maybe you're telling yourself stories or making meanings of things.
Maybe you're tired or hungry or lonely.
Maybe you're walking into this moment with tough feelings already and perhaps this moment takes you by surprise and then the minutes leading up to it you're feeling good.
Now if it feels okay imagine that the scene moves into the place where you feel overwhelmed.
Maybe your partner says something or does something.
Maybe the tone of their voice or the expression on their face brings something up for you and as you move into the activation notice that whoosh.
Watch it wash up from below and see if you can pause the scene before reacting so that you simply hold that overwhelm for a moment in your body knowing that if at any point it becomes too much you always have the choice to return to your breath or another sense that brings you some peace.
Otherwise see if you can stay with that overwhelming sensation.
See if you can turn toward it.
Feel curious about it.
See if you can stay and breathe.
Noticing where the overwhelm exists within your body.
Notice its color,
Texture or shape.
Perhaps it is heavy or light,
Cold or hot,
Tingly,
Achy or tight.
See if you can stay in the body.
Stay in the sensation.
When you notice thoughts pulling you away,
See if you can thank them for showing up and then return to the breath and if you can returning to that sensation.
Next we're going to bring in some compassion.
So if you're open to it,
See if you can provide yourself with some compassion.
Like,
Of course this feeling has shown up in this moment.
This feeling makes sense.
Maybe you can even feel the need that is beneath the sensation.
The need to be seen,
To be understood,
To be cared for,
To feel respected.
If it feels right for you,
You can put your hand on your chest or your stomach to help the compassion sink in.
You might even send yourself a wish to feel peaceful,
To feel rested,
To feel loved.
Whatever would help you in this moment.
Next,
If it feels available to you,
See if you can look at your partner with fresh eyes.
Where you let go of all of that hurt for just a moment to see them clearly.
Maybe there's room for compassion for them as well.
Maybe you can see the need beneath their actions.
Notice if your overwhelm breaks them down into being just one thing,
Just one way.
See if you are comfortable with the reminder that they are someone too.
Maybe they too feel unseen or unheard or misunderstood.
See if you can see their humanity without taking on the responsibility to make them feel better.
If it feels workable,
Maybe you can hold two truths at the same time.
Both I and this person want to avoid suffering.
Both I and this person want to experience happiness.
Just like this person,
I also wish to feel seen,
Safe,
Soothed,
And secure.
You might notice that the sensation starts to fade or dissipate,
Or becomes harder to stay in touch with.
And that's okay.
Let it fade if it wants to.
And if it's not ready to fade,
That's okay too.
We're not holding on to that sensation or pushing it away.
We're just breathing and letting it be.
You can take another moment to notice what you have learned or experienced during your time today.
And before we end,
We're going to work on re-regulating before we move back into our life.
I will walk us through this,
But please feel free to pause at any moment or take longer than I offer.
We can first again notice where we feel the breath the strongest in our body.
Noticing the pace,
How our body simply knows how to breathe.
We can notice the sensations of gravity,
Anchoring us down to the earth.
We can bring our awareness back to our bodies.
Maybe doing another scan to notice what has changed or stayed the same.
And as we come to the end,
I will again ring the bell.
Once I do,
You may wiggle your fingers and toes,
Returning to the room,
This moment,
Your day,
And your life.
And when you're ready,
You may open your eyes.
