Transforming Your Inner Critic

We all have a harsh internal voice that keeps running a negative story about who we are and what we did. What might happen if you begin to see your inner critic as an ally instead of a foe? In this talk and practice session, I will share how our inner critic was created to help keep us safe and offer mindful tools to help transform this voice into one of support and kindness rather than criticism. I hope you join me in this exploration!

Transcript

Hello and welcome to this practice on transforming our inner critic. We all have a voice in our heads and maybe several voices in our minds that are not very kind to us. And The challenge is, In my view, Is how can we Begin to see our inner critic not as an enemy. Or an inner terrorist. But as an ally, And how can we transform our relationship with These voices in our minds. That are no longer helpful to us. So I'll give a little context about the inner critic to help you understand, And then we'll do a practice together. Exploring some tools to shift and transform our relationship with this inner critical voice. It's interesting to reflect on. When did this voice When did I become aware of? This internal negative voice. How old was I? And for most people. . . This inner narration starts quite early. And For many of us, We have gotten judged and criticized and bullied. By teachers and parents and adults and classmates and neighbors, And we take in this very hurtful information. That kind of erodes the sense of self that we have. And then we just internalize it. And Our inner critic is a part of us that has developed surprisingly for protection. It often doesn't feel that way. It feels like this voice is just harmful to me. But at its origin and its source point. It arose out of the need for protection. And the way that I have seen my own inner critic, Which has been brutal. To myself very, Very harsh and critical. Is I'm going to put myself down first before anybody else has a chance to do that. And then what other people say won't hurt me so much. Because I'm already doing it to myself. And some already familiar with it. And so it becomes protective in that way. Another strategy of this inner negative critic is motivation. For many of us if we are really hard on ourselves. We may have experienced that that motivates us to complete the project, Get our homework done, Do the task that needs to be done. And we don't know what will happen if we stop beating ourselves up. Maybe we'll get really lazy. So there's always this inner pressure to perform, To get it done. And sometimes we don't even know if. . . We actually still need that harsh voice to get us to mobilize. And so. It's on autopilot now. It's just always there. And it's always there for commentary. An interesting practice that we're not going to do today, But that I invite you to do sometime. Is to actually write down what your inner critic tells you. With the exact language. And you may discover that there's maybe just the top 10 hits. Of what your negative voice says to you. In my experience, My inner critic doesn't have a lot of new information to share with me. It's on this loop of. Very similar phrases and sentences that it tells me. It's not new. It's repetitive and not very helpful. And so when we can see the repetitive nature of our inner critic, It can serve to disempower it. Where we can then say, Oh, You're not telling me anything new. I don't want to listen to this. I've heard it all before. See you later. So how can we transform our inner critic? I'm going to share just a variety of tools with you, And then we'll do a practice incorporating some of them. One of the really powerful tools to work with your inner critic is to befriend it. I remember a story from Sharon Salzberg, The meditation teacher. She gave her inner critic a name, And her inner critic was named Lucy. After the Peanuts cartoon with Snoopy and Charlie Brown. And Lucy always held the football for Charlie Brown to kick it, But then she'd take it away and he'd fall down. And she said, That's my inner critic, It's Lucy. Always sabotaging me. And she started having. . . Tea parties for Lut and would invite her inner critic to come and sit with her. And so this quality of befriending and being warm toward this critical part of yourself. Can be really transformative. You can set time aside with your inner critic to just be with it. And listen and thank it for its protection. And perhaps. Tell it that you don't need it so much anymore, That you have many more skills. You can thank it for its service. You know, I wouldn't extend really long times just listening to your inner critic because we tend to do that on autopilot. But it could be turning to it. It's like, OK, What are you wanting to tell me? And can you rephrase it? And that's another important piece is. Telling your inner critic that What you just said was really mean. Can you phrase it differently, Where it can be more supportive? Rather than critical. Which can again be really transformative over time. If you're really being harassed by your inner critic. Put some boundaries up. Write saying, No, Not now, I'm busy. Or, I'm with friends. I'm having fun. I don't want to listen to you. Right, And put some boundaries there. So that you don't. Always have to have this interruption. Into your life. You may wish to set aside five minutes in the morning and five minutes in the afternoon. To let your inner critic have the stage. And then other times, No. All right, Just saying it's not time right now. I'll meet with you at 4 o'clock this afternoon. But I'm not going to listen to you now. Right, So you're setting up a specific meeting time for your inner critic. And then you just do that for a few minutes and then no more until the next meeting. It's a type of fierce compassion. Kristen Neff talks about, You know, Compassionate. Protection and also fierce compassion. Gentle compassion and fierce and this is fierce because you're saying No, I'm not going to. Tolerate this endless loop. No, I'm not going to listen to you. I'm turning my attention somewhere else. You're not indulging the inner critics. So we don't want to feed it energy or give it the stage all the time. So some boundaries and some fierce compassion can be helpful. The last thing I want to say before we practice is. . . This takes time. Just think about how much practice you've had with your inner critic. You've been practicing talking to yourself like this. Probably for decades. So it's not going to change overnight. But over time, It will really transform. I am so much kinder with myself. My negative inner critic is very quiet now compared to how it was in my 20s and 30s. So I am very grateful for that. But it's taken consistent regular practice to transform my relationship with him. All right, Let's practice together. Come into a posture that supports your attention today. And I'd like you, If possible, To be open to the possibility to work less. At being right where you are right now. To work less at. Where you're at right now. There's often so much striving. And efforting. So how can we work less to be right where we are? It could be shifting your posture. Attending to your breath, Maybe dropping your shoulders. Softening into Where? You are right now. How you are showing up. In this practice with me in this moment. And however you are showing up. You are welcome here as you are. And notice if your body is shifting or slowing. Or softening even just a bit. Those are some of your somatic cues. Of coming into this present moment. And then I'd like you to imagine. Setting. A place where you can invite your inner critic into your awareness. So maybe you're sitting out in a garden and there's a chair there for your inner critic. Maybe there's tea. Or a nice cool drink. Maybe you're in a cozy chair. Or maybe sitting under a tree. In a place where you feel at home. And settled. And ask your inner critic to. . . Show up. And If you would like to, You can give your inner critic a name. Maybe a wardrobe or a costume. Notice what they feel like in your presence. If there's an image that comes to you. Or a felt sense of their energy. Maybe they have sharp edges. Or maybe their energy is very cool or cold. Or maybe in this moment they're really shy. And afraid to show their face. Now that you are inviting them mindfully and consciously. To be present. Just stay curious. And don't try hard for a name, But just notice if a name kind of spontaneously arises. And if you wish, Walking with them might feel more comfortable than sitting face to face. So however you want to create this, You can do that. Right, It might be a reflecting pool where you see their reflection. Just be creative. Just notice what arises. And then you might want to ask them, What is their purpose? In being your inner critic. What is their job description? What are they trying to. . . Offer. To you through their words. And then just listen for a moment. Are they trying to make you more aware so you don't make a mistake? Are they trying to prevent disappointment? From other people. Just be open to listening, And again, They may not say anything, And that's okay. We are initiating a very mindful and conscious relationship. This voice that has been on autopilot for so many years. And now it's your turn to speak to your inner critic. And you can say whatever you would like to. You might say, It's good to know why you're here. And I'm older now. And I would appreciate a more supportive tone in your voice. Instead of criticism. I don't need that harshness anymore. Or you might. Tell your inner critic you're not saying anything new. Why don't you take rest and if you have some new information for me. . . You can share it in a supportive way. Otherwise, You can be quiet. So for example, If your inner voices comment like, Oh, You really screwed that up. That's a very critical, Negative, Harsh statement. So maybe ask your critic to say, This is really hard, Isn't it, When you feel like you've made a mistake? Let's take a breath together. And see if there's a way that we can work with this situation. You can see how different the tone is. Instead of being a critic, It's like this voice now can become a cheerleader or a mentor. And so let this conversation flow from you. To your inner critic about any changes you would like made. About how you want them to support you. And what boundaries? You're gonna set if it's unkind. Or if it's repetitive. And then notice. What happens in your body? As you have this conversation. Are you nervous around your inner critics? Can you? Be an advocate for yourself. With this protective part of you. That was trying as best as it could. To make you behave. Or two. Make you do things so that you would be. In less danger. Or maybe you feel more empowered in your body. To say, Oh, I'm not at the mercy of this voice. It's just a voice in my head. That's all it is. And I can reword and teach my inner critics. To be an inner support. By telling it what I would rather hear. Notice your breath. Notice your body. Notice what? Any changes that might happen in the inner critic from you having this very honest conversation with this part of you. And definitely let this voice know that if it's being mean, And really critical. Derogatory that you don't deserve that and you're not going to listen. And you are going to cut it off. And shift your attention somewhere else. That is a deep act. Of kindness. For yourself. No, I'm not going to tolerate being bullied by this voice. I don't deserve that kind of treatment. And then thank the inner critic for showing up. And. You can send it on its way. And then I would like you to imagine your life? How would it be without this incessant chatter. Of your inner critic. If you were free of this inner voice. Putting you down, What might that feel like? To move through your life. Free of that voice. And so in that imagination, Notice your body in particular. Is there a sense of spaciousness? Or some freedom of like, Oh, My goodness. What would that be like to not have this constant monologue? That's so harmful. There's much more space for you. In your fullness, In your beauty to inhabit. All of you. And that's worth. Tending to. So savoring that body sense. And even a mental quiet that might come. When your inner critic is quiet. Just savoring that. For just a bit longer. And so as we bring this practice to a close, How can you be kind to yourself when your critic shows up again? This is a habit loop. And it won't change overnight. So knowing that it takes time. Acknowledging, Of course, This is so difficult to transform. And I'm going to try again to restate what my critic said in a kinder way. Perhaps letting yourself know I'm doing the best I can right now. Let me be kind to myself when this voice reappears. And open the possibility. That one day this voice will be quieted. That you can be ever so kind to yourself. And feel the gift of that spaciousness. So thank you so much for practicing with me today and Have fun transforming your inner critic.