When You Judge Others

Do you catch yourself criticising someone close to you, wishing they would just shape up? Ann tells the story of a student whose irritation at her husband on the dance floor melted away when she responded from a calm, centred place. The three steps are to notice that you are triggered and pause, acknowledge the part of you that is irritated with "something in me," and put a hand on your heart. Then see whether curiosity or a clearer sense of why you are really there appears. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

And I'm really glad to be here with you, Making another video in my series on finding inner peace in challenging times. You know, When I started this series, I really had no idea what kind of challenging times were headed our way. And by the way, I'm making this video all alone. No one else is with me here. So if I'm a bit fuzzy because the camera isn't focused properly, Hope you'll forgive me. Well, You know, We're all in a new situation these days and we've got new challenges. And we've still got some of the old ones as well like. . . Other people. Other people are the greatest gift on earth and they can also drive us crazy. Do you ever find yourself judging and criticizing other people, Wishing they would shape up and get with the program? Well, I'm sure you've noticed that trying to make other people change by getting annoyed with them doesn't work very well. And what also doesn't work very well is to sit on our feelings of irritation and just fume in silence. So what are we doing? Well, My story today is about my student Michelle and her husband Ted. And although obviously the story I'm about to tell you is from the times before social distancing, Pretty sure it'll still be useful to you now. Michelle loves to do. She loves all kinds of dancing, Including partner dancing. But when she and her husband Ted were first dating. . . They had a few disastrous encounters on the dance floor, Like Ted frequently bumped into her, And she felt he was completely lacking a sense of rhythm. She would burst out with irritation and criticism. What's wrong with you? Can't you at least not bump into me? Well, Needless to say, They didn't do much dancing after that. Many years later, A few months ago, Michelle suggested to Ted that they take a partnering dance class as a date. And because it was a class, Michelle would have a chance to dance with others and the teacher, And she hoped it would be fun for her husband, Too. Well, Sure enough, During the dance class, Michelle had a good time learning the steps of this new dance, Partnering with others. She did observe that her husband's partners were struggling a bit to dance with him. And then when it was her turn to dance with Ted, Well, She could tell he was frustrated at how hard it was for him to learn and follow the steps. And she could tell that he was tense and sort of braced for what she was going to say to him. But this time. Something different happened. Michelle didn't feel irritated with Ted. Instead, She remembered that the whole reason they were taking the dance class was to have fun. She said to him, It doesn't matter what we look like or how we do the steps. Let's just have fun. You lead. And I'll try to follow. And Ted, He was astonished. His body had been braced, Ready for his wife to judge and criticize him as she had before. And he was so grateful to be treated with acceptance and love that his body relaxed. And he was able to have a good time. Which of course gave Michelle even more of a good time too. So what happens? That allowed Michelle to react differently than she had before. Over that previous year, Michelle had been practicing the gentle art of being self in presence. She'd been learning how to turn toward the parts of her that were getting triggered in her life situations and getting to know them instead of getting caught up in them. And by the time she was in that dance class with her husband, Responding from her calm and centered self had become such a habit. She just. . . Found herself not being irritated at him at all. When you react to someone close to you with irritation and criticism, You're basically getting triggered by them. And the best way to not get triggered is to get bigger than the triggered parts of you by saying hello to them. So here's how to get started with that. So number one, Notice when you get triggered. And paw. But give yourself a time out before you react in an automatic way. And then number two, Acknowledge the part of you that got triggered. Using this kind of language, Something in me is getting really irritated with that person. And number three. Put your hand on your heart as a way to be gentle to that part of you that got triggered. It's allowed to feel that way and you are bigger than that. And then just notice if you find yourself getting curious about the other person or having an insight about your real purpose for being there, Like Michelle's insight that she and her husband were actually at the dance class to have fun.