Fireside Fables: The Second Arrow

The Buddha once told his students about two arrows - and only one of them is unavoidable. In this short story we sit with one of the most quietly powerful ideas I've ever come across: the suffering we add to suffering, and what it looks like to finally put the second arrow down. This one is for anyone who's been through something hard and then kept hurting themselves on top of it. You've been through enough.

Transcript

Thank you for joining me around this fire, Where we can talk and share ideas. Take the time to get yourself comfortable and relaxed and warm. This story comes from the Buddhist tradition, From a teaching attributed to the Buddha himself. It's one of the simplest and most useful things I've ever come across, And once you hear it, You'll probably start seeing it everywhere, In your own mind especially. I know I did. So if you're nice and cozy and relaxed and you're ready for a story, I'll begin. The Buddha once asked his students, If a person is struck by an arrow, Is it painful? The students agreed. Yes, Of course, Extremely painful. And if that same person is then struck by a second arrow in the same spot, He asked, How much more painful is that? Much more painful, The students agreed. In life, The Buddha said, We cannot always avoid the first arrow. Pain, Loss, Disappointment, Illness, These things come. But the second arrow is the one we fire at ourselves. The second arrow is the blame, The shame, The why did this happen to me? The I should have known better, The replaying, The ruminating, The story we build around the wound that keeps it open long after it might have healed. The first arrow is often unavoidable. The second arrow is a choice. Think about the last time something went wrong in your life, A relationship difficulty, A mistake at work, A moment you're not proud of. There was the thing itself, The first arrow, And then there was everything that came after it in your own mind, The self-criticism, The catastrophizing, The loop. That's the second arrow, And we are remarkably good at firing it. The Buddhist teaching here isn't that you shouldn't feel pain, It's that you don't have to compound it, You don't have to turn one wound into two or three or ten. There's a practice called noting in meditation, Where you simply observe what arises in the mind without adding a story to it. Pain arises, You note it, Pain. Sadness arises, You note, Sadness. And then you let it move. You don't fire the second arrow, You just watch the first one and breathe. It sounds simple, It isn't always, But even just becoming aware of the second arrow, Noticing when you're reaching for it, That starts to change something. You've been through enough already, You don't have to keep hurting yourself on top of it. If you want some support in sitting with what's hard, Gently, Without judgment, My course Start Again, Come Home to Yourself was really written for exactly those moments. And my morning meditation before the world wakes up is a quiet place to begin each day a little more softly. Both are on insight timer, And I'd love to sit with you there. But in any case, I'll keep this fire burning until next time. So take care of yourself, And I'll see you soon.