The Constriction In My Throat

DISCLAIMER: Audios from this account are intended for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, particularly the loss of a child or grandchild. As a result, tracks may make reference to death, dying, and/or the departed. While the tracks are intended to help and support those who are grieving, they are not a replacement for professional help. If you are struggling with your mental health as a result of a loss and don't know where to turn, call or text 988 to be connected with a crisis counselor and other resources.

Can we recognize the signs that we are about to cry? Should we? If we recognized them, would we try to avoid crying? Crying can be beautiful and healing. Let the tears roll.

Transcript

Hi there,

This is Rita with Sacred Sorrows.

I'm grateful that you're here with me right now.

I'd like to tell you about the fact that I think I should know by now.

I don't know why I haven't clued into this from the get-go.

It happens often enough.

I get this tight,

Constricted feeling in my throat and,

Silly me,

I think maybe I'm getting COVID or something.

Or maybe my thyroid is acting up.

And then,

Often in a matter of moments,

Or some uncomfortable amount of time later,

I'm crying.

I'm definitely crying.

And then I realize,

Oh,

It was the throat feeling that always happens when a cry is coming on.

This time it was brought on by the memory of a conversation I had a couple of days ago with a young man at the print shop.

He was personable and kind and reminded me of my own son,

Chad.

And I found myself sending up a quick prayer asking to keep this young man,

That I don't even know,

Safe and sound.

Weird,

Right?

Well,

Everything is weird now,

Since I lost my boy.

Maybe I'm not supposed to know ahead of time what the throat feeling is.

I consider myself really self-aware,

So maybe this knowledge is hiding itself from me on purpose.

Maybe if I knew it,

Then I would try to stop the cry.

And the cry is important.

It's healing.

It's almost always an ugly cry,

Though.

And it makes sounds,

Too,

Sometimes,

Like moaning,

Or I don't know what you would call it.

I think they call it keening.

But try saying that to someone who doesn't know.

Wacko.

And even though it's that ugly,

I do feel better afterwards.

So I think that classifies it as a beautiful cry.

But this throat feeling,

Cry thing always surprises me.

As if I would or could ever think that my times of crying are over.

My times of crying will never be over.

Probably not the occasional screaming in the car either.

Especially after a visit to the cemetery.

I loved my son,

Chad,

Too much for my crying to ever end.

But I guess the times in between will stretch out further.

That's what they tell me,

The people who've gone before me in this.

That's what they tell me.

But I must warn you,

Don't ask me what's wrong if your throat starts to feel tight.

I might say you could be getting a cold.

That's how much I know about it.

Thank God that he knows.

Supposedly,

And I 100% believe it,

He collects every tear in a bottle.

Let the tears roll,

My sister.

Let them roll.