Feeling Edgy

DISCLAIMER: Audios from this account are intended for those who a grieving the loss of a loved one, particularly the loss of a child or grandchild. As a result, tracks may make reference to death, dying, and/or the departed. While the tracks are intended to help and support those who are grieving, they are not a replacement for professional help. If you are struggling with your mental health as a result of a loss and don't know where to turn, call or text 988 to be connected with a crisis counselor and other resources.

DESCRIPTION: Have you ever wondered, "How does the world continue on around me while I am frozen in place by the loss of my child?" If yes, this short audio may offer you some comfort and healing. We are not alone in our grief, and I offer these words to you as a reminder that some days, all you can ask for is to cope.

Transcript

Hi there,

It's Rita with Sacred Sorrows.

Thanks for being here with me right now.

I'm really grateful that you're here.

Tonight has been an edgy kind of evening.

I was out to dinner with a friend and I don't know her very well and I know that she wanted to get to know me a little bit better.

And I was feeling that low wave anxiety that sometimes comes upon me.

It never used to,

But it's my friend now.

Or at least I try to befriend it.

And I was having a hard time staying present,

But I kept telling myself to be present,

To look in her eyes,

And to really listen to what she had to say.

But in the background I was thinking about how I was feeling,

And my anxiety,

And my throat feeling like it was hurting,

And all of these kind of symptoms that happen now that never used to happen before I lost Chad in June of 2019.

And I have to say that sometimes this is really so,

So hard.

I am in a club now.

We are in a club now that we never wanted to be in.

And someone said something to me,

Actually it was at dinner tonight when the gal that I was with said to me,

I can't imagine.

I just can't imagine it losing a child.

And many people say that to me.

I just can't imagine.

Of course they can't imagine.

And what I tell them is that here's how it goes.

I also couldn't imagine what I thought about the potential or possibility of losing a child.

I thought I can't imagine it.

Well of course it's not imaginable.

But I think the freakiest thing for me and what I tell people is that after my son Chad died,

I still had to wake up the next morning,

And I still had to shower and,

You know,

Do a life.

Like the dishes still needed to be unloaded or reloaded,

And I still needed to feed myself,

And the mail still had to be opened,

And I was dazed and stunned and confused,

And yet life went on.

My surviving son Nick and I went to the funeral home,

And between the funeral home and the cemetery,

We stopped for lunch,

And it was some fast-food place,

I don't remember.

But I do remember thinking,

Oh my gosh,

What are all of these people doing here eating?

Like the world stopped,

Like Chad died,

And the world stopped,

And why are all these people here?

And how surreal is this?

And sometimes it still feels surreal.

So now I'm left and we are left with the unimaginable and still having to do life,

And we don't fit in to these pleasant get-to-know-you conversations at dinner,

Because everything is so real now.

I try to think that there's a reason that I'm walking this journey,

And that gives me hope that there is meaning to this,

And I hope that what I'm doing right now helps you,

Because if I wouldn't have lost Chad,

Then I sure as hell wouldn't be doing this.

And I'm guessing that there are going to be things in your life that you sure as hell wouldn't be doing,

If you wouldn't have lost your child or your grandchild,

And yet I know that those things that you'll be doing or are doing are meaningful,

And that they help others,

And they affect others.

Maybe that's not how it really works,

But I think it's the hopeful thing to think,

And if we have the choice of choosing the hopeful thing or the negative thing,

Why wouldn't we pick the hopeful choice?

So I'm gonna go to sleep,

And it's edgy,

But you know,

I made it through another day,

And I coped,

And some days that's all I can expect of myself is to cope,

And that's fine.

So if you're coping today,

Good job.

That's all you need to do.

Stay strong.