The Real Wins & Struggles in Long-term Codependency Recovery

So in this week's video i'm talking about the real wins and struggles that you face in long-term codependency recovery because it's important to acknowledge your progress and normalize the struggle but if you're new my name is michelle ferris i'm a psychotherapist and i love helping people create relationships at work so if you've been in recovery from codependency for a long time maybe a few years to several years you know that you've already done a lot of work you know your pattern You've had some success,

But maybe you're not where you want to be.

And that's what this video is gonna help you do is how to navigate those ups and downs in codependency recovery.

Because yes,

There are moments where recovery still feels hard,

But we also wanna balance that by looking at what you have done.

Because the process of codependency recovery,

It's not something you're gonna do in a matter of weeks.

And for me,

I like to talk about codependency like a tree with many branches.

It just goes in so many different areas.

And that's why we really have to commend ourselves for staying in recovery over the long haul because not everybody does.

So the first thing I want you to do is acknowledge your progress.

This work takes courage.

And part of codependency recovery is increasing your self-esteem and validation.

And that comes from you literally taking the time to pat yourself on the back and say,

This has been hard work,

But I keep at it.

That's what I want for you.

That self-validation because that is going to decrease your unhealthy dependency on others.

So before we talk about the struggles,

Let's talk about the wins.

What you're doing that needs to be acknowledged.

The first thing you probably notice is that you know what you want and need right now.

You're no longer totally confused because you're so hyper-focused on what other people need from you that you don't know yourself.

At this point in your recovery,

If you've been doing this a few years,

You are getting to know yourself and you know what you want in relationships,

How you want to be treated.

Those things are becoming clearer to you.

You're starting to develop a stronger sense of self.

And that's really good news in codependency recovery.

You're not disconnected to yourself anymore.

In fact,

You notice when things feel off.

And maybe you've started to identify your intuition and start to listen to it.

Or even if you haven't done that yet,

You know that it's right because when you don't listen to your intuition,

Looking back,

You know that you were right all along,

Which is really very affirming.

The next win you're probably noticing in long-term recovery from codependency is that you feel less alone and emotionally isolated.

This is so huge because often the codependent person But you don't end up asking for what you need and want so you end up feeling really lonely Like nobody really cares about your feelings because you're not putting them out there But by now in your recovery,

You're probably doing that and you feel like you maybe have a community Maybe you've joined Al-Anon or CODA or you're being more authentic in your relationships And that is giving you some much-needed emotional support giving at the pace you're giving and expect to sustain any type of happiness it's just too hard and this is great because when you have more emotional support and connection in your life and you feel understood because you're talking about these recovery issues with other people who are doing the same work you do feel more connected and that gives you hope If you can relate to this,

Say me too in the comments.

I'm so glad you're here.

The other win is that you've started to set boundaries.

This is one of those goals that takes a while to do.

But if you're in long-term recovery,

You've already said no.

You've already stated what you need and what you don't need in some of your relationships.

And it's starting to feel good.

Now,

It doesn't mean it's not still scary,

But you've started the process of doing that.

And you've had some little wins in your relationships because you've said no or because you've advocated for what you need and what you want.

The next win is that you're actually creating healthier relationships and you can see it.

You can see that your relationships are getting better because you're showing up differently.

You're not giving as much.

You're asking more for what you need.

You're picking healthier people to start friendships with.

You're also spotting the red flags earlier,

Which is a huge sign of growth because when we know and can identify toxic people,

We don't have to engage with them.

Have to start a friendship or feel sorry for them and get hooked by their sob story we can actually notice that type of person and go you know what that person isn't for me that's one of the perks of healing from your codependency is that you're not going to be starting a bunch of toxic connections because you have that stronger sense of self and you know that you're able to start listening to that intuition that tells you somebody just isn't right for you So now let's talk about some struggles because I wanna validate this part in your recovery process.

Because I know for me,

It's really easy sometimes to think,

Well,

God,

I should be farther along than I am.

Right because codependency is such a huge issue and there's so many different ways it pops up in our lives so it can be easy to judge yourself or compare yourself to somebody else Everybody's story is different.

Some people start off their recovery in a much more solid place than others.

So please don't compare yourself to what other people are able to do because it's really not fair.

The one person you can compare yourself to is the person you were when you first started this work.

That is the best comparison you can do.

So the first struggle you may be experiencing in your long-term recovery is you're setting boundaries,

I was talking to a client the other day,

And they said,

You know,

I'm great at setting the first boundary,

But when they keep pushing me,

I don't know what to do.

Maybe you can relate to that.

This is where we have to have the stamina to say,

You know what,

I really can't do that,

Even if they ask us repeatedly for the same thing.

But that's a normal part of longer-term recovery,

Is that you're going to be challenged with your boundaries,

And sometimes you're going to do great,

And other times you may feel like you tanked.

That's all part of recovery is to realize that some days are going to be better than others.

But for the most part,

Who you are in long-term recovery is way different than when you started.

So we always want to remember that it's progress,

Not perfection because nobody does this process perfectly and you don't need to either.

The next struggle that I hear a lot about in long-term recovery is the guilt.

It may have lessened by this time in your recovery,

But it's still there.

When your family asks you to be there for them and you say no,

You still walk away feeling,

Ugh,

Yuck.

I should be helping.

I should be giving what I used to give.

I totally get it.

I sometimes have that struggle too.

But in longer term recovery,

You know the price you're paying if you say yes and renege on your boundary or let that guilt drive your decisions.

Because usually it lasts about 10 minutes and then you get that positive confirmation yes you know what you did the right thing you took care of yourself this other person ended up having to figure it out which is actually a sign of health but that guilt of not giving as much as you used to saying no setting good boundaries taking care of yourself first all of that is part of the recovery process because it does feel uncomfortable to do things that are new and different and sometimes in even new with a new person I do end up struggling a bit but I've learned to expect that and that's all part of growth The next struggle you may be facing in long-term codependency recovery is that you're still looking for outside validation.

So you've started to trust yourself,

But you're still needing that reassurance from other people a lot.

So when you make a decision,

You still maybe call all of your friends first before making it.

And you know what?

That does get better over time because part of what you're gonna be learning is every time you start to trust yourself a little bit more,

That need for validation,

Is going to be less so you can practice by just making two calls for some feedback instead of five start to validate yourself more than asking for external validation even if you say to yourself you know what i'm doing okay i can make this decision it's okay if it doesn't work out it's okay if it's a wrong decision but i am going to practice making my decisions independently without everybody else's agreement because let's face it We don't get agreement all the time from other people about our decisions.

I know I don't.

And sometimes if somebody really disagrees with my decision,

Depending on who they are,

I might take that as a sign that,

You know what?

I think this is actually the right thing to do because I don't necessarily trust this person's feedback.

And often this comes up with family members where they will react negatively to a new,

More independent decision.

Much more than what other people think.

Another struggle that's super common in long-term recovery from codependency is outgrowing certain friendships or relationships.

This one can be a little bit heavy because it signals us that we may need to let go or start detaching from certain people that we've outgrown.

I know for me,

When I first got into recovery,

I had friends that we all complained together.

We weren't in recovery.

We were just bitching about our childhoods.

Those same people I didn't have anything in common with anymore because I was wanting to focus on the solution.

So if you find that you're outgrowing some of your friendships,

That doesn't mean anything negative about you or necessarily the other person.

This is very,

Very common in mid to long-term recovery because our values change and we start to get more accountable and responsible for our own behavior.

And codependent,

One-sided,

Toxic relationships familiar and comfortable as they used to.

And that's a really good sign because that's what we want moving forward in long-term recovery is that desire to create mutually satisfying relationships that work,

Not ones that drain us emotionally and take advantage of us.

And this leads to another struggle in long-term codependency recovery is not wanting to let go yet.

In the beginning,

You might have let go of people that didn't really matter to you,

And behaviors that didn't work,

Which is awesome.

But now in long-term recovery,

You may be asking yourself,

Why am I still in this marriage?

What am I doing with this person?

They don't treat me well.

And please,

Please,

Please hear me.

Don't beat yourself up for staying in a marriage that isn't necessarily healthy because that is one of the last decisions often people make depending on their history.

If you have a lot of childhood trauma in your background,

A lot longer if ever and i remember pia melody said this years ago is that some people their trauma is so big that they can't let go of their partner it's too scary and if that's the case for you that is totally okay you can still do your recovery and create a better life for you even if your relationship doesn't match that in terms of letting go in long-term recovery you're probably going to be faced with about relationships that you know in your gut don't work for you this could be a friendship this could be a relative this could be your spouse or partner you know because you've been working on your intuition and honoring your truth that it's time to let go.

So the process becomes letting yourself have the time it takes to do that.

And not rushing it because so many people in long-term recovery say to me,

What's wrong with me?

I haven't let go yet.

You know what?

It's totally okay.

There is no timetable for how we recover and when you should be at any certain point in recovery.

I don't want you to measure your success on how much time it takes because that is totally individual for you.

The only thing you can do right now is to acknowledge to yourself and your sponsor or your best friend that,

You know what?

And I need to start taking steps to detach and spend less time with them that's a win because letting go is one of the hardest things any person with codependency can ever do because we see our relationships as our lifelines I know for me letting go was absolutely the last resort and it still is unless the relationship truly isn't working for me and then I can let go of it but it's also taken a long time to do some of these things And giving yourself permission to do it at your own pace is what I want for you in your recovery from codependency.

Thanks so much.