Hi,
My name is Inga and I will be guiding you through this exercise on how to navigate internal conflict.
An internal conflict is a psychological struggle arising from opposing ideas,
Demands or impulses.
For example,
You can find yourself repeatedly wanting to shout to people in traffic,
Even though you see yourself as a rather kind and nice person.
Or you see yourself repeatedly bickering and criticizing your partner,
Even though you love and care for them very much.
It can be an event that happened to you and that you keep repeating over and over and over.
Or it can be a reoccurring thought or feeling pattern that is bothering you in some way.
This exercise is composed of two parts.
First,
Some scientific background and second,
A journaling exercise in which you are going to find out what the basis of your internal conflict is.
So for this exercise,
Please make sure that you have a journal and a pen close by.
So when you're ready,
Let's begin.
In order to get a better understanding about how we sometimes create internal conflict within ourselves or with another person,
It is important to understand how we construct our version of the truth.
Our brain is divided into two parts,
Called hemispheres.
And the in and output between our body and these hemispheres is cross-wired,
Meaning that what I touch with my right hand is controlled and felt by my left hemisphere.
And what I read with my left eye will be understood and executed by my right hemisphere.
Although both hemispheres are in part similar,
Both control movement and receive sensory input,
In some respects they are also different.
There is a function in the left hemisphere called the interpreter.
This interpreter produces explanations for events,
Behaviors and feelings.
The interpreter has the tendency to infer explanations for events,
Even if those explanations are incorrect.
In extreme cases called confabulations,
These interpretations are 100% inaccurate,
But the person confabulating is unaware that the interpretation is incorrect.
Most of what we know about confabulation and this interpreter stems from research on brain patients,
Starting in the early 1960s,
When Michael Gazaniga and colleagues accidentally discovered this interpreter when they cut off communication between the right and left hemisphere in an attempt to cure epilepsy.
By cutting the corpus callosum,
Which is the main bridge of communication between left and right,
Epilepsy did decrease in these split brain patients.
But something else was awfully wrong.
The two hemispheres seemed to be unaware of each other's existence.
When the word walk was presented to the patient's left eye and thus right hemisphere,
Patients would simply get up and walk.
But when the question of why they got up to walk was presented to the right ear and left hemisphere,
The interpreter came up with a made up story about why they got up.
The left hemisphere was unaware that they just read the word walk.
And as a result,
They came up with a very plausible but very incorrect story.
This is just one example of endless experimental results showing the same thing over and over again.
This is an extreme example of confabulation in split brain patients.
But it shows a reality which is that we constantly make up stories.
We create stories about why we did things in the past and we create stories about why others do things.
And we are unaware that that's just what they are,
Stories.
When we want to solve a conflict,
Whether it's internal or external,
It is important to recognize those interpretations for what they really are.
Stories created by the interpreter with the beautiful aim of helping us understand the world,
But not necessarily true.
This practice is designed to help you recognize your stories and distinguish them from observations,
Feelings and needs,
So that you can understand and attend to what is really underneath and is fueling this ongoing internal conflict.
When you're ready,
Let's begin.
Take a comfortable seat.
Relax your hands onto your knees.
Lightly press your sitz bones into the support beneath you.
Moving your vertebrae up,
Rising your chest,
While your shoulders towards the ears and gently pulling them down on the back.
Inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth.
I invite you to take me to a situation where you experience the conflict,
Either internally or externally with someone else.
It can be one conflict that has happened to you and keeps playing itself out in your mind,
Or a reoccurring type of conflict,
A situation that keeps repeating itself in real life.
And see what comes up.
And when something is clear in your mind,
Please take a moment to write down what you observe in this situation.
But before you start writing,
Realize that an observation is stripped of any form of interpretation.
Some examples.
I observe that my thoughts are racing.
I observe that a car accelerates.
I observe my partner is rolling their eyes.
I observe my colleague is smiling.
Mindfully stay away from interpretations,
Such as,
I am stressed.
This person is driving aggressively.
My partner is disrespecting me.
Or my colleague is happy.
Take a moment to write down what you observe in this particular situation that plays out in your mind.
And you can press pause to take the time to write it down.
Now when you have written down your observation,
Please write down what story your interpreter comes up with to make sense of this situation.
For example,
When I observe that my hands are sweaty,
I tell myself that I'm going into a panic attack.
Or when I notice that my partner is sighing,
I tell myself that they don't care about what I have to say.
Take a moment to write down the story you tell yourself when this situation occurs.
And you can press pause to take the time to write it down.
Now when you've connected your observation to your story,
Write down how you feel when this situation occurs.
Which emotions or physical sensations can you distinguish?
Emotions can be anger,
Sadness,
Fear,
Anxiety,
Enthusiasm,
Pride,
Shame,
Guilt,
Grief,
Joy,
Happiness or something else.
It can be that you experienced a variety of emotions during this situation.
Perhaps there is anger.
But perhaps underneath the anger there is also fear.
So just take a moment to find out which mix of emotions you are feeling in this moment.
And whether there are any physical sensations that you feel as well.
And press pause to take your time to write them down.
Now probably you have a bit of a clearer understanding of how the observation,
The story and the feelings are connected to each other.
For example,
When I notice that my colleague is looking at their phone during my presentation,
I feel anxious and frustrated and irritated because I tell myself that they are not interested in what I have to say.
Now this story may not necessarily be true.
Perhaps my colleague has a sick child at home.
But you can see how my anxiety,
Frustration and irritation are connected to this story.
And that the story has great power over how we feel.
Okay,
Let's go to the final step.
Identifying our underlying need in this conflict.
Conflicts usually arise when our needs are not being met.
In 1985,
The biggest update on human motivation theory and needs theories was published by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan.
And they proposed that there are three fundamental needs that all of us have.
The need for autonomy,
The need for competence and the need for relatedness.
The need for autonomy refers to feeling in control of your behaviors and goals.
It's connected to control,
Freedom and the safety to express yourself.
The need for relatedness is about feeling connected to others,
Experiencing feelings of caring,
Compassion by others,
Feeling accepted and feeling like you belong.
The need for competency refers to your experience of mastery,
Feeling effective and able to progress and achieve the outcomes that you want.
So my question to you is,
In this particular internal conflict situation,
Which underlying need is not being met?
I'll give you some examples.
When a car approaches me rapidly,
I tell myself that the driver is an aggressive person and I feel angry and frustrated because my need for autonomy is not being met.
I don't feel in control of the situation.
Or when my partner is looking at the TV while I'm speaking to them,
I tell myself that they don't care about me and I feel sad and anxious because my need for relatedness is not being met.
I don't feel seen,
I don't feel connected.
Or when my colleague interrupts me while I speak,
I tell myself that they don't value my opinion and I feel angry,
Stressed and anxious because my need for competency is not being met.
I don't feel valued,
I don't feel competent.
Take a moment to see what comes up when you ask yourself this question.
What underlying need is not being met in this internal conflict situation?
And you can press pause to take a moment to write that down.
The next time around when you are experiencing a reoccurring theme that just keeps playing out in your mind,
Take a moment to write down an observation,
How you feel about it,
The story that you tell yourself and the underlying need.
That perhaps is not being met.
Deconstructing our internal conflicts like this allows us to do three things.
Recognize the story for what it is.
An interpretation that may not be true.
Realize how much the story might be influencing how we feel and how we react.
And opening up to another way to meet our needs.
Either by reframing the story,
Checking the story with the other person or directly communicating our needs.
I will create a follow-up exercise called Managing External Conflict that tackles exactly those three things.
Reframing your story,
Checking it with the other person and directly communicating your needs.
Thank you for checking in and doing this self-reflective work.
It is so brave to be able to see in the mirror and see the true reflection of who we are.
I am honored that you trust me with your mind and body.
Looking forward to our next session.
Namaste.
