The Sandwich Generation: When Roles Begin to Reverse

Hello Friends!

This week we're going to be talking about how to navigate the journey of aging parents as we get older and the roles of caretaker and care neater are starting to gradually reverse.

Welcome to At the Home with Jessi and Carolyn.

So we recently had an experience where my mother and stepfather visited our house and stayed with us for a week.

They normally reside in England where he originally comes from.

And prior to that we had been traveling out of state with them.

And as we were having a nice visit,

We had started to notice a little bit of frustration bubbling up.

And I noticed myself in particular not being my best self,

Being a little bit short.

Being a little bit irritated and frustrated.

And I had to stop and take stock and kind of deal with that and check in with myself and say,

What part is feeling this and what's going on right now?

And I realized that I had set some expectations for them that were unreasonable.

And I was setting myself up for failure.

And so I want to take a second to validate that it's completely normal to desire our parents to be our parents,

Whether they were the perfect mom or dad growing up,

Or especially if they weren't the perfect mom and dad growing up,

And we're still desiring that feeling of being taken care of.

You know,

I think we saw so much through COVID,

So many people like this rise of like reboots of different things.

It's because we were all desiring that feeling of our childhood.

We all really wanted that feeling of safety and security when we felt unsafe.

And I think,

You know,

There's a lot going on right now.

People are feeling some of safety.

And so it's understandable that we have that craving,

That urge that our parents kind of take care of us,

Especially as we are also taking care of our own children.

Maybe for some of you women out there,

You might be going through menopause.

And so your capacity for caregiving may be kind of feeling like it's dwindling a little bit.

And so we are part of what's called the sandwich generation.

We're caretaking for our parents,

And then we're also caretaking for our children.

And at times it can feel like,

There's really no one left to take care of us.

So there is a part of us that really desires that.

There's a very young part of us that always desires being taken care of.

But I think there's other parts that are present,

Too,

That really want to be taken care of by parents,

Even though we're in our 40s and we're not children anymore.

Right.

I mean,

Who doesn't like to fantasize about being a kid with no responsibilities and worries or being a household pet?

I've heard many people say,

I wish I could just have a dog's life.

The reality is,

Is we're not there anymore.

And if we try and force that to happen,

We are going to set ourselves up for disappointment.

And so.

.

.

I realized that I was expecting them to act how they had always acted as adults and as the more mature people in life.

And when I realized what was happening,

It dawned on me and it clicked.

That I was no longer dealing with the caretaker,

With the parent anymore.

Because I kept thinking,

What does this feel like?

What does it feel like?

And I thought,

Oh damn,

I know what it feels like.

It feels like dealing with a toddler.

And when that hit me,

It was like the light bulb went on.

And I even talked to my mom about this.

We had a very lighthearted,

Fun conversation.

We can talk openly about things.

And I told her straight up,

I said,

I've realized what I've been doing wrong.

And I'm shifting my perspective,

We're going to treat you like toddlers from now on.

And we had a good laugh,

It's not condescending.

It is,

Hey,

You've taken care of people for a long time.

And even though there's still parts of me that want to be taken care of,

That's not fair.

It's not my time anymore.

It's not my role.

It's my time to take care of you.

It's my time to pay back the caretaking that you did for me.

And it totally shifted everything.

And I pointed out how funny it is,

The similarities between people as they get older.

And toddlers because they kind of get to the same place again.

I said,

You know,

You guys have specific times that you won't wake up before and bedtimes,

Times of day that you have to eat.

The diet restrictions are very specific.

One of you won't eat rice or pasta.

And my mother,

I gave her a brand of pickles that was slightly different than the one that she really likes.

And then she ate it.

Acted like i poisoned her like a like a toddler would and We started really catering to that and getting curious about what their needs were and what their wants were while they were staying with us.

And we kind of were trying to plan a lot of things.

And when we checked in with them more,

It was more like,

We don't really desire,

You don't need to do those things for us.

We're tired.

We want to relax.

We want to be comfortable.

And so then we started really checking in with the schedule.

We would agree on times of doing things.

We would prep them for the day ahead of time.

Oh,

You're tired?

OK,

Let's take a break.

And Martin can watch his English football.

And then he's happy for a couple hours.

And you give him a sippy cup with,

You know,

Not apple juice.

And they're happy.

And it totally shifted everything because they felt like they were taken care of and they started calling our house the Ritz.

And they were like,

We want to stay here because you are catering to our needs.

You're making us feel very comfortable and very safe and very welcome and taken care of.

And that's what we want,

But they've earned that at this point.

And so then we became happy to do that.

And less frustrated wanting them to be what we expected them to be.

And so I want to kind of call out that some of you may be feeling frustrated,

Even with this concept of having our parents come and stay with us and the idea that we have to then cater to them.

Number one,

This is kind of a values-driven conversation.

When people come and visit us at our house,

We really do,

We consider ourselves the Ritz.

Like we ask people what they want to have in the refrigerator.

We ask people what they want to do.

We want this day for them to be like a vacation.

And so our relationships,

Especially with our parents,

Can be complicated.

And so for many of you listening to this,

The idea of having a parent come and stay with you and then really catering to their needs.

May feel a little frustrating because maybe you feel like your needs aren't being catered to,

Or maybe you feel like your needs weren't taken care of as a kid.

One of the things that I'll ask people a lot in the therapy work that I do is I'll ask them what their parents' first name is.

And they'll tell me.

Susan.

So your mom's name is Susan.

Susan is just a lady,

Right?

She's just a lady who happened to have a child at a certain point in her life.

And took on the mantle of mom.

And so just because Susan became mom doesn't mean that she's perfect at it,

Doesn't mean that she has all the capacity to meet the needs that you had,

And doesn't mean that she suddenly will get that capacity in her 70s or 80s.

And so recognizing that our parents' brains,

Literally,

As we start to age,

Our brains become more rigid,

Less malleable,

Less easy to adapt.

It's doing that to try to protect us.

Our bodies also become more rigid,

Less malleable.

Our brains are trying to slow us down,

To keep us safe,

To kind of pull us back.

And that was our job.

When we used to live in a tribe-based society,

We weren't going to go out hunting when we were in our 70s.

But now,

You know,

We're still expected to be,

For men,

You know,

Masculine men in our 70s.

And my dad talks about this sometimes,

That it's challenging to go from the care provider and,

You know,

The masculine figure in the household to someone who needs my hand as he's walking.

So that change is difficult for both us as children and also for them as parents.

And our relationships with our parents can be really complicated.

But the question that I ask everybody is,

What's the intention?

What's the goal?

Our goal was to have a nice visit with our family,

Who we don't get to see that often because they're primarily in England.

And so we catered to their needs and had a great time.

We're not going to cross our own boundaries.

We're not going to disregard our own needs.

We still go to bed at like eight when we have visitors because we like to take some time to ourselves.

So it's important to still hold your own boundaries and focus on your own needs while also making sure that we're just having a good visit together because our time is limited.

And I think it's a really good point to focus on the empathy,

You know,

As we get older,

You know,

We're experiencing more limitations and they're frustrating.

And to put yourself in their shoes where their bodies are starting to betray them.

You know,

Like Carolyn said,

The masculinity of being a man and being expected to do certain things and not being able to do those things anymore can bring on a lot of feelings of shame.

And there's other examples for women as well,

Like anything that we lose the capacity to do,

We feel like some frustration and maybe a little bit of shame that we can't do those things anymore that we used to be able to do.

And I think we also really have to remember that,

Like Carolyn said,

Our parents are people,

They're humans,

And we put them,

You know,

They're in that role,

And it's autonomous at some point,

And they're kind of God-like,

But then they get human usually when you're in middle school and you realize they're kind of full of it and a lot of things.

But their parts have been there the entire time too.

And going back in other generations,

They've typically done a lot less work on those parts,

So they've been carrying around unhappy,

Unsafe,

Uncared for parts.

For now 70 or 80 years,

And they're still dealing with them.

They're not even really aware.

They just know they get cranky when they don't get to do what they thought they were going to do,

Or eat what they wanted to eat,

Or whatever doesn't go their way.

And they get frustrated when they can't operate the microwave,

Because the microwave has to be super complicated and touch buttons now.

And it's baffling to older people.

I get super frustrated with our microwave at this point.

A few.

Carolyn has some very strong older lady parts.

She's actually more ready.

I'm leaning into it.

She's ready to check out and says,

No,

Please,

You figured it out now.

I would like you to take care of me.

I don't remember how to operate the dishwasher or the washing machine.

I know how to operate the dishwasher.

You're shitting yourself in the foot.

Trying to help you out.

And it's challenging.

So remembering and having that empathy for our parents,

Just like we hope that our kids will have for us,

Right?

I think it's been really interesting for me,

Especially as a step-parent.

So I came into my kids' lives when they were teenagers,

And I was in my 30s at the time.

And all of the things that I've gotten to realize as a parent and what it is like to be a parent,

I always just saw my parents as mom and dad,

And I didn't really have,

I don't think,

The empathy for what they were dealing with,

What they had to sacrifice in order to meet my needs.

What they lacked in lacking Meeting My Needs,

That they were likely dealing with their own holes in their own raising.

And so again,

I know it's very complicated.

I'm not asking you to disregard your own boundaries or needs,

But thinking about how we make these relationships with our parents as best as they can be at this time,

And how we have empathy,

Not only for them,

But also for ourselves,

As we are caregiving for our children,

Our pets,

And our parents,

As well as maybe many other people in our lives.

And so I think there's a couple of things that we talked about today that I just want to go back through and really recap.

One is expectations are premeditated disappointment.

So if you are not communicating your expectations for this visit or this trip with your parent,

And then you're getting really disappointed,

But you had those expectations in your head,

I hate to tell you,

But that's on you.

So if I expect that Jesse comes home every day with flowers,

And he never comes home with flowers,

And he gets in trouble every single day,

But I've never told him,

I'd like you to come home with flowers.

And I literally just had a session today with a client who said,

Well,

But I really want him to figure it out.

And I get it.

I really want him to figure it out too.

But the truth of the matter is we can't set ourselves up for failure.

So if there's certain things you expect out of a visit with your parents,

Or if there's certain things that you need,

Let them know.

Be willing to be flexible.

So they may show up for a visit,

Maybe they've been traveling,

They're tired.

Think about what you would do if a toddler showed up to your house just flying here on a plane,

Right?

Oh,

How are you?

How are you doing?

What's your energy level?

What do we need to do with you?

You would be much more compassionate and kind.

And I truly do think that seeing them in that light Again,

We're not trying to be condescending,

But seeing them in that light as people who deserve care,

Who need care from us,

Really did change that level of frustration of expecting them to move as quickly as we might in our normal day-to-day lives.

And it's a loving care,

Like that's the perspective that we have is like these are,

They are like little kid-like,

But those little kids are the ones that we want to take care of.

I told them literally,

We are treating this like our grandchildren are visiting.

We treated it literally like training to be ready for grandchildren.

As Carolyn,

You know,

Came into being a parent late in life,

She doesn't have experience with that and so I said this is exactly what it's going to be like and if you learn it now things are going to be so much easier when the real ones get here.

And so for those of you guys who are dealing with caring for a parent on a day-to-day basis,

Again,

I'm not asking you to disregard your own boundaries,

But maybe being very direct with those could be helpful.

So talking about expectations,

When we wake up on the weekend,

If I have specific things in my mind that I want to get done on a day,

I'll let Jesse know.

This is what I'm expecting out of today.

Does that line up with what works for you?

And even for me,

As someone who is neurodivergent,

Having a timeline can be really helpful.

So knowing that we're going to go run this errand at a certain time is really helpful in my mind.

Otherwise,

I'm going to feel anxious about it all day.

When are we going?

When are we going?

And so instead,

We just kind of create that timeline.

And so same thing goes with our parents.

If your parents expect you to be part of their day-to-day care,

Maybe you guys need to sit down or talk on a Sunday and look at the week ahead together.

You can resist this.

You can decide that you don't want to have to participate in this or don't want to take a part of it.

But if you're still doing it week to week,

But they're calling you on a Tuesday to take them to a doctor's appointment on a Wednesday and that upsets your whole day.

Maybe it might be easier to accept that your parents are in a phase of life where they are asking for more help from you or needing more help from you.

And so let's just actually start planning for that.

So more clear expectations can help reduce the stress in your life,

Believe it or not.

And communicating that with them better can be really helpful.

This also allows you the room to set your own boundaries.

So if you can't take them to a doctor's appointment on Wednesday,

You can catch it beforehand and talk about that.

Maybe they can take an Uber or whatever the case might be,

Or maybe they just need to move the appointment.

So being more clear and actually being willing to participate in our parents' lives while also holding our boundaries can really change that relationship and help it feel a lot healthier.

And final point,

As we said,

We understand that this is a very challenging place for a lot of people to be in.

It's hard for us to And things might not be fair.

And I always like to say,

I tell my students,

Life is not fair.

Fair is for cotton candy and corn dogs.

Life is life and life is full of lessons and hard things that we have to deal with.

And the best thing that we can do,

Obviously we want to set the healthy boundaries,

But is we come to a place of acceptance.

It may not be what we want.

It may not be what we feel we deserve.

But it is what it is,

And we have to accept it and make the best of it.

And that's what we did.

We accepted it.

We changed our perspectives.

We started coming at it from a positive perspective,

And it changed everything in our experience.

Because that process of radical acceptance allows us then to make choices of control from there.

So if we don't accept what is,

And we're trying to control at that point,

Then we're running into all kinds of problems.

But if I accept that life isn't fair,

If I accept that maybe my parent needs more help,

Then I hope that they would.

Now I'm accepting that.

We're accepting that we're dealing with,

You know,

Grandchildren running around the house.

And then we get to make choices from there,

Choices that are based in reality and choices that are actually going to pan out.

And we're not going to just keep running into roadblock after roadblock.

So in the Navy we say,

Fair winds and following seas,

But that is the easiest time to captain the ship.

So no matter what the weather is,

We hope that you approach life with curiosity,

Self-compassion,

And a steady hand at the helm.

Take care.