So welcome,
Welcome to episode eight of the Identity Lab here.
And today we talk about expectations and why they disappoint you.
I want to share with you a personal story.
Actually,
I have more than currently going on in my life where I had expectations and they have been met.
Disappointed,
Disappointed,
Disappointed,
Me.
Along the way.
But on the other hand,
I always tell my students.
Lower your expectations.
Don't have expectations.
And if,
Then what do you do?
That's exactly what I'm doing.
So I have my expectations.
Now,
Here's the thing.
I'm giving you a story.
So it's a business story.
I have collaborations here in Xinjiang with two clinics where I'm the emotional health support.
And one of these clinics,
They Let's say the terms discussed in the contract,
They don't take them very seriously.
And there is a lot of expectation from their side to what's our service that we provide that they didn't want to specify in the contract.
And now it's a little better between us and them on.
OK,
But you don't want to pay more,
But you still want more.
My expectation in having these negotiations where that we sit down and they explain to me what they want from us.
And then we explain to them what we want from them,
What we're willing to give.
And then we find a middle ground.
Yeah,
We meet somewhere in the middle and we both say,
What happened is we did that.
We did exactly that.
We met up,
We discussed,
We agreed.
And two hours later,
We got sent the contract and it was nothing.
That we discussed.
All of the terms that we laid down that they verbally agreed on.
Not in there.
I went off so quickly.
Why wasn't I?
Standard contract,
Etc.
So my expectation of we agree on something and then you put that down and then we sign a contract according to what we just agreed on.
Didn't happen.
Disappointment.
And I was disappointed.
And I was angry.
And I wanted to tell that person that we had that meeting with.
To go.
.
.
.
Themselves.
In England,
We would say they were taking the piss.
That's how I felt.
They were taking the piss of what we provided,
What we were willing to give,
What they were supposed to give us in return.
And I got really,
Really angry.
Not angry.
That's angry is the wrong word.
I got furious and I felt like my ego was My who the fuck do you think I am?
That part of me.
Woke up.
And was very present.
And.
.
.
I stayed in there.
Probably about an hour or two.
And then I do what I teach my clients to do.
To let go.
Because the.
The goal is not,
Not to get angry.
The goal is not,
Not to be disappointed.
The goal is not,
Not to be mad and,
And want to do this petty things to,
To tell that person like,
Get personal.
That's not the goal.
The goal is That happens.
And then how you act on it,
What you do with it.
That's the goal.
To not stay in it and be mad at that person or that business for ages and not taking it personally and saying oh maybe you think that you're a bad negotiator maybe you think that you're not worth having what you want whatever it is.
That's not the goal.
You can have all of that.
Throw yourself a pity party and I threw myself a pity party.
Was a great party.
It's okay,
Throw yourself that pity party.
And then let it go.
Give yourself the time to do that.
Give yourself the time.
To be human.
Because I would now just say none of us.
Peace.
In on that level that.
Stuff doesn't affect them.
So whatever happens that they are not getting into some kind of bodily and mentally experience that they could probably interpret as being annoyed,
Being sad,
Being angry.
I would say none of us can do that because it happens.
So what do you do with it when it happens?
And like I said,
Give yourself permission.
That's my go-to thing.
And yesterday I got disappointed again.
There was a situation where I got personally,
I had expectations of a friend of mine that she would pay me more attention because of things that go on in my life currently.
And she didn't.
And I saw her with other people standing there and spending the night.
And it hurt me.
And I was thinking about Anna,
Have your expectations been too high?
Maybe not.
Perfectis.
Now it hurts.
Now it's painful.
And that's okay.
I let it be.
I let the pain be there.
I took my time.
I didn't try to push it away.
I caught myself actually to try that,
To try to logically explain and see her side and all of that and then I was like no no no no no.
And give myself permission to feel like this right now.
That there is this little awa.
In the heart region.
And give myself permission.
It to be there.
And I sit with it.
And then after a while,
I think it took me about an hour-ish.
I said,
Okay,
It's gone.
I sat with it.
I let it be.
I didn't try to push it away.
And then I went to bed and I fell asleep and I slept through the night and I woke up and I was okay.
I can talk to you about it now.
Without feeling angry,
Without feeling the disappointment anymore.
So in my body,
Not the feeling,
The emotion.
If you've been here before,
You know the difference.
If not,
Let me explain quickly.
Emotion is the body sensation,
And then comes your brain that creates the interpretation that is then the feeling.
So the body sensation can be whatever,
And what you name it,
Well,
That's up to you.
You can name it literally anything.
But anyway,
So I'm talking about that emotion,
That body sensation in your body.
And that is okay.
Working now with clients for over 10 years.
I think it's about 12 years now.
And with over 500 of them.
What I learnt.
Is that giving yourself the permission.
To feel whatever you feel.
To think whatever you think,
To be angry,
To be annoyed,
To be disappointed,
To have expectations that are higher than high.
But to let yourself be the way you are.
That's the first step to acceptance.
A great first step to acceptance because it gives you so much.
And it gives you.
Mostly.
What I hear from people that I work with.
Release.
That's what it gives you because what you're doing is you're stop fighting that inner war with yourself by trying to be better,
By trying not to be,
By trying not to do.
And by allowing yourself to now.
It is.
Now I am.
Now I do.
It calms you.
It sounds counterproductive,
Not counterproductive.
That's not the word.
What is it?
It sounds contrary.
But that's what it is.
Because you're stopping that inner fight.
You are letting go of what you're supposed to do,
Who you're supposed to be,
What you're supposed to think,
What you're supposed to do.
And just let be what is now be.
That doesn't mean you continue.
That's.
Because that's what many people believe it.
They feel like as soon as I give myself permission to feel that way,
To do this or to have done this and be shameful about it,
Whatever,
That they stay in it.
And you might stay in it for a while,
But that's not too bad.
Like a given for the rest of your life that you'll know that's what it is.
But change can happen so much easier.
When you're not fighting yourself,
When you give yourself permission to.
But the other day,
It was like,
Or yesterday,
It was actually yesterday,
I was like,
I made dinner and I had some recipe that I discovered in Japan when we were on holiday in Japan.
And it was actually from some packed stuff.
And it was so delicious.
And I thought,
I can do that myself.
So that's what I did.
I made it and And the next day,
So yesterday,
There were leftovers.
And I thought,
I'm going to put some beef in it.
I'm going to put some eggs in it.
I put some cooking cream in it and then some spinach and make it a nice mixture.
And it was beautiful.
It was so delicious.
And then when I finished cooking,
I thought,
Half today and maybe half tomorrow.
After the first half,
I sat there and I thought,
I want more.
Our room,
But you're almost full.
You probably already had enough eaten today.
But it's so delicious and I want more.
And I gave myself permission to want more.
And I had more and I enjoyed it.
It was like,
Oh my God,
This is so delicious.
That's what I was thinking over and over.
This is so delicious.
Amazing.
And that was it,
No inner war.
And I didn't even eat all of it because.
.
.
By giving myself permission to want it.
I got it.
And then I could enjoy it.
And then it was like,
Oh,
That's fun.
My cravings?
Have been satisfied.
I can now stop that inner war.
Like you shouldn't,
You shouldn't do that.
Cause you know what happens is you think about it over and over and over again.
So it's an endless spiral,
But when you give yourself permission,
I think that's why these nutritionists coach or whatever tell you have the cheat day.
That's when you eat,
Because that's when you give yourself that permission.
And the same goes with your behavior,
Your thoughts,
Your self-shame,
Your self-blame.
There is no need for that,
But you will do it.
And you're probably doing it right now.
I don't know.
But if you do,
Give yourself permission.
To shame and blame yourself.
And then see what happens.
See what happens.
Let me know in the comments.
I would be so,
So interested in what you discover,
If it's relief.
Probably is,
But still let me know.
So what that means is,
Stopping the fight,
The war that you have with yourself.
Do that.
If you do that,
And you do that by.
.
.
Giving yourself that permission.
By giving yourself the permission to be in whatever state you are.
To not rush it.
Sometimes you don't have to rush it,
Although sometimes you feel like you need to rush it because you have to go into a meeting or you have to do this,
You have to do that.
You can't just be in it.
But even then.
Give yourself permission to be for 10 seconds.
In that state.
It doesn't matter for how long.
Just give yourself that permission.
Right then,
Right there,
When you notice it.
Often you don't notice it.
Some of my clients and students,
They believe that when I teach them something,
When I teach them about this concept of giving yourself permission,
They have this idea now,
Every time that they are in a situation,
They will remember that they should give themselves permission.
They won't.
So I'm repeating it,
I'm saying,
No,
No,
No,
Don't get me wrong.
It takes some time,
Some practice.
It's like muscle training.
Yeah,
You don't get a six pack or some here junkies if you don't train.
And that's the same with this,
With your mindset.
It's a training.
And there will be days where it's easier,
And there will be days where you can't be asked,
And there might even be days where you think,
Fuck it,
I don't do it.
Important part here is to get back.
Or sometimes,
Like,
Suck.
What's the thing?
Suck don't skip.
Make it bad.
Like I today,
This morning,
I couldn't be asked to do my 20 minutes weightlifting thing.
So I said,
Please make it under 10.
It gave me a six minute weightlifting training and I did it.
And I was happy that I did it.
And I was,
I felt good.
I felt energized and was okay.
I gave myself permission.
To do what I wanted,
What I needed in that moment,
What I.
.
.
Felt like.
This is good for me.
And it might be that I'm not pushing myself.
As much as other people could push themselves.
But that's okay for me.
I gave myself permission to feel that way.
I give myself permission to think that way.
I give myself permission to maybe be more behind than I could be if I would spend more time in creating more content,
In speaking to more people.
I give myself permission to be here.
I give myself permission to.
.
.
Sometimes feel like I'm behind.
I give myself permission to sometimes feel that I'm not good enough,
That I'm not doing a good enough job.
Give myself permission that I think that I could do more,
That I should do more.
I also give myself permission that to think that.
I'm exactly where I need to be,
Where I'm supposed to be.
That's what I believe deep down but then you know that inner critic comes.
My inner critic's name is Lucy.
She's a little bit and she's very like,
You should do this.
You're better than anyone.
Why aren't you then?
So you read a little bit.
Anyway,
So let's come back to giving yourself permission.
Give yourself permission.
And yeah,
That's where we went.
And you won't.
When you're in that situation,
You probably won't notice that you're in that situation.
You probably won't notice that this is now a great time to give yourself permission to be in the state that you are in.
So what you do is the training plan for me to you is.
Once a day,
It doesn't matter what time.
Do it once a week.
Do it once.
A day,
A week,
A month,
Doesn't matter.
Do it right now and maybe forget about it and then three months you come back and you watch this video again and then you do it again.
But what I want you to do is to Think about a situation.
Where you went into a state of disappointment,
Of your expectations not being fulfilled.
How did it feel in your body?
How did it,
Was the interpretation,
What name did you give it,
Et cetera,
Et cetera.
So you go into that.
And then you tell yourself consciously,
I give myself permission.
To feel disappointed.
To be disappointed.
I give myself permission.
Then it hurts.
Your brain doesn't understand the difference between reality and imagination.
So that's why it's perfect.
To train with it whenever you want,
Literally whenever you want.
You can train your brain,
You can train your mindset to do these things,
To train that muscle.
And it doesn't matter if you go into.
Duh the emotion or the feeling.
Because the language that you use right now.
You know what it means.
Unless you work with someone or unless you think about more of your creative reality,
How should I point it,
How should I name it,
Etc,
Etc.
That's a different story.
But even then you have a certain level of communication that has been established,
So use that.
Don't try to analyze it,
Particularly not overanalyze it.
Just let it be.
And what happens is,
By you letting it be,
You giving it room in your body to dissolve.
It's like when we say,
I feel stuck.
It's usually something in your body.
And when I work with my energy clearings,
We're going into the chakras and we can see is it open,
Is it balanced,
Is it overactive,
Underactive,
Et cetera,
Et cetera.
And that what shows me or shows the client that,
Ooh,
There's something blocked.
And by letting it be.
We give it the chance to grow.
Dissolve and to balance.
That's what happens.
So what you do by training this.
Is you look after your body because you have less tension in your body you will feel that relief not just Mentally.
But physically,
That's what my clients tell me.
That's what I experienced,
That this physical relief,
The shoulders go down.
It feels like this big chunk,
The rock,
Whatever,
Has just fallen off.
So it's good for your body.
Your mind stops spiraling over analyzing by you interrupting that pattern and saying,
I give myself permission.
Because there's no question.
Yeah,
There is no question to ask.
When you give yourself permission,
Your brain has nowhere to go because your brain loves to answer questions.
So whenever you ask it,
So why did you do it?
Why am I like this?
Your brain wants to find the answer.
So it goes on a hunt to present you with evidence and it will bring forward stuff that you have forgotten,
Stuff that you think about all the time.
It will bring everything forward because it has no clear directions.
So everything that sounds remotely like ah that would fit it brings forward but when you give yourself permission there's no question it's like I give you myself permission full stop it's like okay good then we there is no job to do That's calm.
And then it might start again.
And then you can give yourself permission to go in a spiral.
And then it will come again.
That's the beauty when you give that.
In a critic.
The attention.
You befriend it.
And it's like a friend or a little child sometimes,
As soon as you give it attention and it could literally just be like,
Okay,
Sit down and they just want to be close to you.
They're calm and quiet.
And that's the same with the inner critic.
And it's part of you,
That part of you that wants to be seen,
That wants to be noted,
That wants the love,
That wants to be enough,
Et cetera.
And that's what drives you to get that.
But it's your friend.
So as soon as you give it the attention,
All the love that you're capable in that moment,
It will quieten down.
We can do that by giving ourselves that permission to be in this state.
And then with your energy,
It will.
.
.
Can I say lift your energy?
It depends on what perspective you want to put on,
But yes,
It will also lift your energy.
So when your energy level is at 150 and that's what you take out,
You bring out,
It's your vibration.
And when you're disappointed,
You get into a lower vibration.
When you let go.
The vibration goes up.
So it lifts that vibration,
It lifts your physical energy.
In the moment,
Yesterday,
When I had that experience,
When I let myself be in that in that disappointment.
I felt deflated.
And when I sit with it,
I just let it be.
After that I felt kudz not energized because it was late in the evening,
But I felt like,
Okay,
I can let it go.
And my mind didn't spiral.
There was nothing to think about.
There were no weird dreams.
You do body,
Mind and energy.
You do the whole thing.
By just giving yourself permission to be in whatever state you are in right now.
So let me know how that works for you.
And with that,
That's the end of the episode for today.
And I see you again next week.
Take care and bye bye.
