The Wound Of Non-Existence: The Hidden Core Of Trauma & PTSD

Share from Somatic Trauma & PTSD Recovery: There is a space, a state of living, where your presence is not even acknowledged. It's a space where you have never been asked, "How are you feeling? What's your opinion? What's your thought? What's your choice? What is your need?" In that space, you don't have the liberty or safety to share your feelings, needs, thoughts, or choices. It's never safe, and it was never safe.

And everyone who is conditioned becomes aware at some point in life. You might be becoming aware in this moment, right here, right now. And that innate power inside of you, that tamed power, when it starts to shift, will be your best catalyst in your life. It will be your best force and fuel to stand up for yourself and for those who are still yielding to others and shrinking into the wound of non-existence.

Transcript

Wound of non-existence There is a deep wound in trauma body,

And that's the wound of non-existence.

It's different from when someone disagrees and minimizes your experience,

Your reality or feelings.

In that case,

Your feelings,

Reality and experience are denied by someone,

But your presence is still acknowledged.

You get to express your feelings and your experience.

And someone can argue,

Minimize or devalue your thoughts,

Feelings,

Opinions,

But your presence is recognized.

However,

There is a space,

A state of living,

Where your presence is not even acknowledged.

It is a space where you have been never asked,

How are you feeling,

What's your opinion,

What's your thought,

What's your choice,

What's your need?

And in that space,

You don't have the liberty or safety to share your feelings,

To share your needs,

To express your thoughts or your choice.

It's never safe.

And it was never safe.

That is a space I'm talking about.

That's the space many of us have lived and continue to live in,

Where we are not acknowledged as existing,

And nothing about us,

Inside or around us seems to matter to those around.

And this can happen in families with authoritarian figures,

Where you just must to listen and obey.

So pause and think.

Have you been raised and lived under false authority in a patriarchal family,

Under communist or strict religious doctrines,

Within a boy's culture,

Toxic,

Rigid,

Strict educational and sports environment?

Or do you live in post-colonial society?

In such environments,

You are taught to obey and to follow without questions.

And your individual needs and desires are suppressed and denied.

You just obey and follow.

And you don't get to be asked for anything.

And that's a place where your choice doesn't matter,

And your presence is never acknowledged.

Because there is someone who knows everything,

Who will explain things even to the God.

Someone,

That someone,

Someone,

That someone,

Who will think and decide for you and everyone else.

We know that guy or girl,

Person with authority we had to follow and obey.

And not only a person,

But complete culture and society.

And we knew the consequences.

So what that does to your being,

To your identity,

To your soul,

Is the wound of non-existence.

It brings deep toxic shame.

And toxic shame is born in the home of obedience,

In the country of obedience,

In the culture of obedience.

And we learn not to take any space.

You become invisible.

And there are so many with the wound of non-existence.

I bet if we stood side by side,

There would be at least 2 billion of us taking the space.

We certainly would become visible then,

Right?

If this track can land in the hands of everyone who knows what I'm talking about and just replies with,

Yes,

We'll have a billion people.

We'll have more than 60% of this population.

Well,

That will make us very visible and not isolated,

Right?

And remember,

We are not alone in this.

We just don't talk about this yet.

It's not fully in our awareness.

So the wound of non-existence teaches us that our identity is bothersome and wrong.

We learn that we upset others just by showing up.

And every time you fight it and make yourself present with your choice,

With your voice,

When you ask for a need to be met,

And when you receive zero acknowledgement and silence disapproval follows,

A spark of life dies within you.

Your dignity dies in you.

And you learn the safest way to exist is to not take any space.

Because you don't want to witness again how the life sparks and your own dignity gets to be dismissed.

And even riding in an elevator by yourself feels like taking up too much space.

So you move to the corner in the case others step inside.

And you continue to live in that corner where your parents put you in the first place,

Or society.

You continue to live in that corner,

Not taking any space.

Or you walk on the street and you're not taking a space.

It's almost like walking sideways or at the edge of the curb so other people can spread their chest,

Spread their shoulders,

And take as much space as they need and walk freely,

But not you.

That's the wound of non-existence.

Not taking any space on the street,

In the meetings,

In social settings,

In the community,

Or in a family.

You learn to yield to everyone but yourself.

Let me repeat that.

You learn to yield to everyone but yourself.

That's your wound of non-existence.

You're conditioned that you will never be asked for opinion,

Or taught a decision of you.

And it develops the core belief that nothing about you matters.

Others can make choice,

Not you.

Others have a right to act on those choices,

Not you.

Others matter more,

But not you.

Others lead and you wait.

Even you know you have full capacities,

Even you know you're more intelligent,

You have more experience,

You wait for their permission,

Their decision.

They shrink you,

Bit by bit,

Into becoming non-existent.

In the culture of obedience.

And that's emotional abuse.

That's abuse of power.

That's patriarchal trauma.

The wound of non-existence comes from a wound of obedience.

So you learn to wait and yield to others.

You learn to wait and yield to one-percenters.

And we spend life waiting to be summoned,

To be told,

To obey and follow.

Because the survival brain learned there is no choice.

And you need pure intelligence to survive in that space.

So let's talk about surviving and living in that space.

Living in that space for decades.

In a space of continuous unsafety and continuous uncertainty.

In a space of identity denial.

That's life.

That's reality.

And this is a place where hardcore resilience is born.

Where endurance is born.

Where self-reliance is born.

This is a place where emotional intelligence is born.

Because you witness and see every single day how so many failed in a basic human value acknowledging the person next to them.

Acknowledging their existence.

Their presence.

Their need.

Their wants.

Their choice.

Yes,

The place of the deepest emotional intelligence is born exactly at that place.

Because you know it.

You know it.

Into your bones how it feels.

And if you have never been in this place and you're listening and if the thing starts to collapse on this planet you want people who lived in that place beside you to help you survive.

You want them to lead.

To give you strength.

To give you courage.

To give you faith.

To give you a reason to continue.

Because they have monumental capacities to endure uncertainty and unsafety.

And this has nothing to do with discomfort.

Feeling discomfort is a privileged place to be.

This is a pure survival.

I lived through and survived three wars,

A genocide.

I have been exiled and homeless for five years.

Do you know who was stepping up,

Helping,

Organizing,

Making the unbearable and unthinkable livable?

The ones who were never acknowledged,

Who were silenced and pushed to the corner.

Those people were stepping up with monumental force,

With monumental wisdom and guidance and leadership.

And I was witnessing the transformation of superheroes many times.

You did too.

In times of crisis,

Who was stepping up?

In wars,

In fires,

In attacks,

In hurricanes,

Earthquakes,

Pandemic.

Who was stepping up?

Underdogs.

Obedient and silenced.

The ones who were conditioned to yield to others.

Not the loud,

Cocky,

Smart pants,

Sassy ones.

No.

They couldn't face uncertainty.

There is no capacity in the nervous system.

The silenced ones,

The ones who yield and stand in the corner of the elevator,

At the side of the wall at the dinner party.

I see them all the time.

I observe when I walk,

When I dine,

When I socialize.

I give them my deepest silent bow and respect.

I acknowledge them.

I spot them and see them.

And even if they might not know their life and their power inside.

And even if they think they don't matter.

I do.

Because I witness potency being transformed into the force and deep life energy and humanness and grace.

And everyone who is conditioned becomes a weir at some point in life.

Becomes a weir.

You might be becoming a weir in this moment.

Right here,

Right now.

And that innate power inside of you,

Tamed power,

When it starts to shift,

It will be your best catalyst in your life.

It will be your best force and fuel to stand up for yourself.

And to those who are still yielding to others and shrinking into the wound of non-existence.

This is what I do for a living.

That's my fuel,

My purpose,

My legacy,

My work.

And it can become yours too.

There are billions of us.

Billions.

So yes,

You can transform your life and the life of others who are just next to you,

In that corner.

So I will close this year by reading a poem I wrote about the wound of non-existence.

It's called Unhide Yourself.

Don't give up.

Unhide your face.

Unsilence your voice.

Unshame your presence.

Shame was never in your essence.

Unwrong the wrongness you feel about yourself.

Unsoil the dirt you feel on your face.

They were given in pateness by others.

Ungive up on yourself and see your true spark.

Hear your rich voice and witness your inherent worth.

You were never supposed to hide.

You are the most precious gem in your own life.

You are the pulse.

You are the one who is ferocious and brave,

Gracious and kind.

Unhide your face.

Unsilence your voice.

Put the burden of shame where it belongs.

Outside of your skin.

Off your face.

Out of your voice.

Far from your presence.

You can now take space.

You can be seen.

You are a treasure.

So unhide your gifts.

You mean so much to yourself.

Yes,

You are important.

And yes,

You do exist inside of yourself.

I'm Anna Mael,

A Somatic Experiencing Therapist for PTSD & Trauma Recovery.

Until next time,

Take care and be gentle with yourself.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

Much Care.

Reviews

Thank you Ana, thank you. I stood in the corner of the elevator. Sometimes I still do, when i forget that i am fantastic and important. But i have come very far. I am now helping others to step up. Thank you for putting it into words. I was crying at the end, happy and sad tears at the same time.

I wept through this entire talk. You put the pain so succinctly: “The wounds of non-existence teaches us that our identity is bothersome wrong. We learn that we upset others just by showing up.” Ouch. This is why I apologize for myself all the time. Just for existing. But I will “unshame [my] presence” and “I give up on [my]self.” Thank you, Ana. Your talks and meditations name things I have felt and needed someone else to name. You are a sacred gift.