Masking, Burnout, & Neurodivergence

Masking is a survival strategy, often used by neurodivergent people to fit in, stay safe, and meet social expectations. But maintaining the mask comes at a cost.

This talk explores the difference between masking and simply showing different parts of ourselves, the exhaustion and burnout masking can cause, and how greater awareness, self-acceptance, recovery, and support can help us find a healthier balance.

Transcript

Let's talk. Masking. Now masking is a term that is often used. With neurodivergence. Like autism or ADHD. But it is a concept that can apply too. Everyone. Because to some extent. Our society forces us to mask. We will be talking about this more geared towards the neurodivergent perspective. But for the neurotypicals, You're doing a bit of it, And it's costing you as well. Masking is a survival strategy. It is when you change your behavior. To fit in. Right, Sounds familiar. Every time we are at work or around certain people that may be challenging, Or in other social contexts. We learn or we have learnt that we need to act a certain way or else. Now that or else in adult life. May be as subtle as an odd look. Or as extreme as ostracization or potential murder. Firing. As children, However. That or else may be bullying or other consequences that well, Quickly teach you, Too. Not do that thing, Or else. I'm highlighting this past-based responsiveness because… The act of masking inherently involves a little bit of a little bit of a desire, A little bit of a confusion. It is a learnt response. I'm not saying that masking should not be done. Because there definitely is times and places for it. For all of us. Neurotypical and neurodivergent alike. Sometimes we need to. Act a certain way. To keep us safe. And to continue. And beyond that. When we are in certain contexts around certain people. It will involve a necessary tweak to who and what we are at times. You at work compared to you with your partner compared to you with kids compared to you with friends. All of that involves a slightly different aspect of yourself. But I wanna highlight before we go into the depths of masking and how to. Basically do so appropriately and recover from it and reduce it. Highlight the difference between the idea of masking and showing a different face of us. The optimal. Way to get by in this world is not to mask. Or is to mask as little as possible. Because masking is both tiring. And it does something to our identity. It is very. . . Hard to sustain and act. And that's what we're doing. We're putting on a mask. We're acting to fit in. Or else. And this is an important distinction. That does not mean that we won't change when we are around different people. I was to act the same as I do at work vs at home with kids vs when I am socialising vs when I'm doing a hobby vs when I'm ordering a coffee vs when I'm stopped at the lights by a police person vs any other different context. A different aspect of myself will be revealed. This is me, The parent. Now this is me, The employee. Now this is me, The. . . Insert whatever place or space I'm in. This is me alone. It can feel like us when we are alone, Aka when we are out of judgments, Are us. But I would argue that rather than considering you as the alone you as you, Consider you as a multitude, Multiple different faces that draw from the same source, But you choose which face to present to the world. In different contexts. Now that is different, It's a subtle difference, But it's very important to masking. Masking is not you drawing a part of yourself and bringing it forward. Appropriately. Masking is pretending, Is acting, Is doing things that you deem socially acceptable, Or that you've learnt to do. Do to fit in. It's a difference. But it's important because. . . It can feel like when you start looking at the idea and the concept of masking that you're masking all of the time except when alone. Maybe, And maybe to some extent. But it's not all the mask. It may be a different face, And this is why I'm talking about this from a perspective of both neurotypical and neurodivergent. Everyone. Everyone will present a different face in different contexts. Because we are not a solid single entity. Who we are changes depending on who we are around, And that's not normal. Masking. Masking might happen differently depending on who we are around. Each of our faces may mask differently. But it's important to wear that not all of those changes are the mask. So you can drop some of that self-referential. Stigma or pain about masking, If that makes sense. But in terms of masking, The first thing to be aware of is, Well, Noticing when we are doing it. It could get so underlined or so sort of core, Such a survival response, That it feels like you. What is you and what is the mask? What are you doing to fit in? Notice what you are suppressing, Notice what you are changing, Notice what you are doing and ask the question, Is this a mask or is this another face of me? Is this. The professional me coming to the surface. Now yeah, Just being the professional you would be tiring. Right? That's why we come home and rest. But the professional you. Will or could also be masking on top of that. What are you forcing? What are you doing? Are you? Maintaining a certain level of eye contact by rule. As in, I have to maintain this level of eye contact because that's what, You know, You do. Are you making certain jokes or certain behavior or doing certain things? Are you stopping yourself from doing certain behaviors, Certain movements, Certain stims, Certain self-regulatory behaviors? What are you doing or not doing to fit in to stay safe. Are there people around you that you can unmask around? But are there people where you can just be yourself, Where you can move and be and do as you are? You may need to explain to the person why you need it. Why you act a certain way and how you can see that it's not quote unquote normal. But then you highlight, Well, What is normal? This is my normal. This is what I need to do to fit in, And I guarantee you, You open that floodgates of discussion, And everyone will reveal a little bit of their own weirdness, Because everyone has an inner world that they don't show to the world. Having someone to share your totality with. Can be quite revealing and releasing an excess recovery. And speaking of recovery. If you are forced to mask. Now like I said. Life will cause us to have to mask, But if you are forced to mask. Take time as an act of self-care afterwards. When you're in a safe place, When you're at home or whatever. Take time to take off the mask and acknowledge the effort that masking has cost you. If it's worth paying that cost. That's up to you to decide, Obviously. But at the very least acknowledge the cost. And give yourself recovery time, Whatever that means for you. For some, That might mean just purely resting. Others, It might mean a preferred activity, Reading a book, Exercising. Whatever it is. But acknowledge Thee. The exhaustion. Acknowledge the cost and do some self-care to address it. Because there is a real risk of burnout. No one can sustain a mask forever. It's impossible. So we must take time to take it off. And to just be. If you have a friend or a friendship group or a partner or people around you that understand the need to mask? And accept you without it. Does it release then? There are. Trained professionals that help people through and understand this process. Take them out. Because this concept of masking, Like I said, Everyone will need to mask at certain times. It is A. Issue particularly with neurodivergence and also as a trauma response. In a trauma response, You may have learnt that you need to act or be a certain way. To keep yourself safe to avoid danger. Than when you are safe in adult life. Well, There's no longer a need to mask. But internally it feels like it. To find a specialist and talk to them about it. They will help you too. Understand what is happening and why, As well as the underlying needs that The mask is stopping you from expressing and receiving. There is also a self-discovery aspect of all of this. It can feel like we needed to mask throughout school. In our friendship groups. At work. So who are we? Who are we without the mask? And that goes into quite an existential concept. But it's one that will be rewarding. But it's one that has to come align with. I guess a radical self-acceptance. As you. Take off the mask. Either because of burnout or by choice. And you start to just allow yourself to be, You know, Who are you when you are alone. You'll start discovering certain things. But also things that you may consider bad or ugly or unknown. Parts of you that are changing and your potential. I would encourage you to embrace everything you find. This is you. This is you. You know, There's this idea of loving ourself off to fixing ourself. Accepting who we are and becoming who we are meant to be. Have learnt to mask to keep yourself safe. Good. Well done. That is something to be. Acknowledged and celebrated. Celebrated in the sense of the fact that you have adapted. It is. It sucks that we have to. It really does. It sucks that the world cannot accept everyone the way they are. Or that they choose not to. It sucks that we have to mask. But the fact that you can. Shows a level of adaptation that should be applauded. But now's the next step, Surviving the need to mask. I believe in a three-step approach to healing. Awareness. Acceptance. Action. We become aware. Aware of the fact that we are masking. Aware of the fact that it is costing us, Aware of the fact that in some circumstances we reveal different parts of ourselves. And in others we have too. Change ourselves to fit in, To mask. Aware of the cost. Then we need to accept all of that. We don't have to like it, But we need to accept it. This is what is happening. Then we can take action. Actions like. Self-care when we are alone or with trusted people. Speaking to experts. Tracking for burnout. Allowing ourselves when it's appropriate. Regulation activities, Behaviours, Stems, Etc. Alone time, All of that stuff. Recovery. Taking steps to become aware of when we are masking. Versus when we are presenting a different face to the world. And the implications of. Considering making changes. So that our work, Home and social lives are more aligned with who and what we are. Action to discover ourselves. And once we start taking action, We swing back around to awareness. Who are we now? What is arising now? Is that okay now? Just to remind you that our goal is not to completely unmask. Our goal is not to just allow our inner urges total, Full and utter expression at all times. But rather to find a healthy balance. Find that healthy balance. Increase the self-awareness. And find support. Thank you for listening. And I'll see you in the next session.