Relationship Safety

Is it actually possible to feel more comfortable when communicating with a romantic partner? In episode 5, Diana and Sheira begin sharing their foundational teachings about how to be part of a couple from the centering reality of the present moment, not from the unconscious conditioning of history and generational patterns. They give practical tools for how to experience directly what's happening on "our own side of the street," and how to stay in the present moment with friendship and safety.

Transcript

Hi,

Everybody,

And welcome to Two Eyes Women Talking.

My name is Shira Khan.

Hi,

Everyone.

This is Diana Zahir.

I'm so happy to be here with you and with Shira.

We've been together for 30 years as friends and students and teachers.

We're so excited to talk about the mystery and the path and this present moment.

So let's get started.

This is an invitation to drop in,

Even more than you already are,

To drop into your body.

Let your breath come into your body in a way that feels really nourishing.

So if that means on purpose taking a larger breath,

Let yourself do that.

Or if that means gently letting the breath come naturally,

Let your body do that.

Let your body tell you how it wants to breathe.

So go ahead and do that for about 30 seconds.

Putting special attention on filling your lower lobes.

Because that's the part that connects with the vagus nerve when the diaphragm expands.

And see if you can even feel what happens inside your experience when your blood is nourished with oxygen.

So it's this very subtle but noticeable shift in your energy that's just from the breath.

Then in that space of nourishment from the oxygen,

Perhaps feeling more open in your mind.

I want to invite you to set the stage for non-judgment.

For acceptance of what is.

And with that attitude toward your internal experience,

See what arises next.

And then in that space of nourishment,

Toward your internal experience,

See what arises next.

So it's a place of permission,

Openness,

And curiosity that's not only something you think of but something you feel inside.

What's your felt experience of acceptance,

Permission,

And non-judgment?

So it's in that spirit that I invite you now to open your eyes just a little bit,

Just to let in the world of shapes and colors and physicality.

Just let that in a little bit while you're still anchored in your internal experience.

And when your consciousness can hold both,

Then raise your eyes up to the room and let's begin our conversation from here.

That's so nice.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm honored to hear that from you.

I think it's so good to drop in our bodies to talk about anything but especially to talk about communicating with someone we love,

Who's a partner or someone we're exploring with.

Communicating as a couple takes us out of our body.

Yeah,

So bringing us back in is a great way to begin.

I agree.

As you say that,

A wish arises in me.

I wish I could feel the way I do in my body in this moment when I'm communicating with my partner.

I know that it would go better.

Yeah,

I mean it'd be great to have it be this way all the time,

But it's our learning curve.

Right.

I think the chance to have someone on the other side of us is such an illuminator.

We can see if we're present,

If we're not present,

What's getting stirred up.

It's all the classroom.

It's the inner harbor couple's classroom.

If we can have some understanding that that is the path,

That we're not deficient because we're out of our bodies,

That's actually this accelerated learning environment if we want to see it that way.

Staying in the body.

Staying in the body or that we can have so many different experiences as a couple.

I think it's an amazing opportunity to know ourselves and to learn about ourselves when that person's on the other side of me because they're going to illuminate me in such powerful ways.

For a lot of people,

Being part of a couple is the most sacred spiritual path in their lives.

I mean parenting is another one beyond compare,

But having people you love so much on the other side of you in daily life,

That's a way to get to know ourselves too.

To see our undigested material or to access that portal to the divine.

And to become our best selves actually.

Become more of who we are and hone our personalities.

I know that the mirror that gets held up in relationship is a fast track for whatever it is that I still need to do or what I need to do.

It's a powerful healing zone because we love that person so much.

We're willing to stay and consider there might be something to learn with them,

From them,

But deeply inside of us.

What am I being shown right now?

What is the universe up to in this moment for me with this person?

If I can have this healing zone,

I can be a part of that.

I can be a part of that.

But if I want to be part of that,

I can be a part of that.

That's what you and I do all the time.

We're training and educating.

We're not bad.

We just don't know how to do this yet.

That's why we suffer and that's why we have a lot of trouble hearing the other person or hearing ourselves when we're with them.

This is just a lack of training.

It's a lack of education.

Yeah.

I appreciate the timing of doing this meditation together and dropping in like this on the day that we're podcasting about couples.

I actually would like to verbalize this dropping in as the first step to communicating better as a couple member and to being in a couple.

Yeah.

Because what calms down the nervous system is when there are two people both in the room in connection with each other.

If only one person is getting to express him or herself and the other person isn't able to be fully expressed and able to be there,

That triggers the nervous system basically and creates strife.

So remembering that you have a self that shows up in the body and to be anchored there,

It's the first step toward having two people in the relationship is first having that self.

Yeah.

It's like a building block to this new foundation we're trying to teach.

Yeah.

Exactly.

It's a wild new paradigm shift.

Again,

We're not judging the past or getting drawn into that old paradigm,

But most of us have seen movies and TV shows and examples in our family and friends where you think about,

Okay,

I'm in relationship with this person and it's going really well or it's going really bad,

But it's this idea of two people in relationship with each other,

Which is true,

But what we're talking about in bringing it into the body,

Bringing it into the breath,

Having my experience with myself first,

This is a very different model of I have a relationship with me.

I know how to turn toward myself and have compassion and friendliness and curiosity.

There's something going on inside of me that's private and wholesome and good.

Maybe it's just on that personal level.

Maybe it also allows me to tap into my spiritual nature,

But that's my beginning.

Then you're over there and it's an abundance model.

It's me with me and then you're over there.

Maybe you're with you and I'm over here and then we just have exponential abundance,

But that's a very different model of what's possible with two people.

I think it's exciting.

I do too.

It's so different from what many of us learned in our families,

Which was not to have a self necessarily.

I hope most of the people listening had a chance to learn what it means and feels like to have a self to a degree,

But then when people didn't get along in their families,

There could have been messages about don't have a self,

Don't have needs,

Don't have feelings.

Also,

Don't differ from me or whatever I want you to do.

The basic practice of having a self,

It may be new or it may need to be articulated more clearly.

It seems so basic in a way.

Of course,

We have a self like,

Okay,

What are you talking about?

When I actually am as dropped in as this,

And then I think about what I learned in my family,

This wasn't really a part of the picture to reside in my body and my experience in this way.

I remember the first time I thought about this in this way.

When we were in Diamond Heart,

We did a lot of things to develop the self and go inside,

But there was a way in which I didn't understand it in or I hadn't applied what we learned in Diamond Heart to communication and relationships till I was an intern in an eating disorders clinic and we were talking about boundaries and we were talking about how to say what you want with somebody.

It was a small group of people and as we did a role play on it,

I was doing drama therapy at the time and we could feel in our bodies that you first needed to have a feeling that told you what was important to you before you could set a boundary with somebody else.

For those of us in the room,

The idea that,

Okay,

Wait,

Something emanates from you,

Which gives you a signal that then tells you what you need to ask for,

It was revelatory.

And I'm reminded of that today with the way the meditation happened of locating us in the body and then you're teaching about that,

Teaching about how that's part of an abundance model.

Yeah,

I don't know what else I wanted to say about that,

But I'll just stop there.

I like hearing about that story.

I think we all have moments we remember that,

Aha,

Like,

Wow,

There really is something going on in here and it's not just an idea.

It's a direct experience.

It's a knowing in a somatic way.

I palpably feel these sensations inside of me.

Or I noticed there's an emotion because there's heat or contraction or whatever's happening.

So it is a very big,

Aha time.

That's what we're talking about that we can create this experience.

We can grow this relationship with ourselves,

Whether we call it an inner Harbor,

An inner palace,

Inner sanctuary,

Our sense of home,

Inner home,

Home base.

But that what I do in here with me is consistent and it's friendly.

And I really want to know what's going on in there.

I want to know how I'm feeling.

I want to know what I need,

What I want.

I don't know if I can get it met,

But it's a turning toward the self that has the same love and patience and wondering that we give to people all the time.

But it's a new muscle.

It's kind of a renegade move here.

We're not judging anything that's come to this point,

But this is a very big event.

We're making a choice that's different than what's come down through the generations.

We're saying,

Okay,

Before I say something to that person,

Before I take any action,

Let me just go in here and check in.

And it's private.

Nobody will know I'm doing that.

I mean,

I can do it in a more evident way.

It's so lovely to put our left hand on our heart center and just feel that moment of reassurance and existence and take three breaths.

Feel our hand rising and falling on our chest as we breathe.

Or it might be simply an internal checking in.

But we're starting here with this open space.

And what goes on inside of me isn't dependent on anything else.

How that person's behaving or misbehaving,

What's happening in the world.

We always want harmony.

Absolutely.

Everyone on the planet wants harmony.

And it's a relational planet.

So we're going to have moments with all these people,

But we're creating a new kind of foundation with this conversation about building blocks.

I'm here with me again and again and again.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

No,

You go and then I'll go.

No,

Just it's a little offshoot and segue to some of the other podcasts we've done about the critical voice or will do that if we don't have much experience doing this and we have a lot of undigested memories from our history and our family or difficult moments,

When we turn toward ourselves,

It might not feel so positive.

So we may need to have some companionship in the beginning.

We have great recordings or we have teachers or we have different people who can be companions with us as we get to know that inner territory,

Because all that noise or judgment or memory,

It's really precious and it needs to be held so it can heal.

But that's not who we are.

Who we are is so boundless and full of good.

So many flavors of wholesomeness are in there.

But we might first encounter an outer layer or layers that aren't so easy to hang out with.

That's why we over-focus on the other person.

Well,

If you would just behave or if you would do what I'm saying,

Things would be great.

And yeah,

Cool if they do.

But if they don't,

Which a lot of the time they probably won't,

I have this secret inside.

I have this superpower that,

Hey,

It's good in here with me and what's going on over there for you.

It's such a paradox because to me,

I've come to see that this grounding that we're talking about in your own experience,

This centering,

It's actually the basis for a positive relationship with another.

Yeah,

I consider that one of the central paradoxes of being human is that to go inward and be an individual in a certain way is the basis for then connecting with someone and then making a twosome or threesome or a family.

Yeah.

Why I see this also as the basis for relationship is it's so easy to relate to our partner out of our childhood conditioning.

Yeah,

I mean,

For a lot of reasons.

We're wanting a corrective emotional experience.

That's a big reason we get together with people is we're hoping to heal what happened before.

Also,

I think unconsciously,

It can't be helped,

But when we love someone,

Our child parts get engaged and we're hoping that the other person becomes the parent we never had and always wished for.

I think that happens very deeply and for lots of other reasons.

But when we come into the body,

We're coming into what's true now,

And then we can connect with the other person from what's true now and not from anything that happened before or anything imagined or anything that's a projection to.

It's kind of a miracle,

Isn't it?

That that's a possibility.

And I think we're going to do several podcasts about different practices or different ways we can create the conditions for those miracle moments to happen more and more.

But in this introduction today,

It's very simple,

But it's kind of bold what we're saying because of all the ways we don't understand this or we have associations.

People can hear that.

Like,

What do you mean I have to relate to myself first?

Won't that mean I'm a narcissist,

Right?

Or am I not so selfish then?

So we need to sit with that too and appreciate where those thoughts may be going and coming from,

But also to see,

Is it actually my experience?

If I'm warm and friendly toward myself,

If I go and check in with me and then I relate to the other,

Do we have a positive interaction?

Do we actually feel closer?

Am I more in the present moment?

Am I able to see you with more compassion and actually more accuracy?

It's amazing how much we don't see our partner.

The projections are so fierce and immediate,

But the possibility that this kind of inside out approach is something we don't have any reference point for,

But it means I'm more here with me,

Which means I'm more here with you.

It's a radical move.

Yeah.

And it's super exciting when you really see your person,

Which I don't think happens very much for us,

Unless we're really in the present moment.

It's almost like you've seen the person for the first time and you've known them for decades.

Like,

Oh wow,

That's you.

Wow.

That's a spiritual moment.

Yeah.

It's really joyful moment.

Even if somebody suffering and we don't want them to suffer ever.

But if I can really show up with you in that kind of crystal clear state,

It's a beautiful experience.

Yeah.

I separately will do a teaching about the channels of experience from David Morris.

Cause those are really concrete ways to know your experience.

That'll be fun to share.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We have a lot to bring into this conversation about being part of a couple or exploring,

Creating that relationship with someone and how I can be here for it more and more safe and positive.

Yeah.

When I'm working with individuals who want to be in love relationships,

I start with the same thing because I've seen from my work with couples and just being a woman of my age that to be in a couple and have things work out,

You do need to know yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I don't just mean your history and your values.

I mean,

Yes,

Of course,

But you also need to know how to embody yourself.

Yeah.

Well maybe that's our takeaway from today and kind of a little teaser of next time.

When I know myself,

When I really have that kind of ongoing close relationship,

What we can end up tapping into is knowing our magnificence.

Not as some idea,

But I can really feel a kind of regal energy that lives inside of me.

And so when that person shows up and says,

Yeah,

You're amazing.

It's like,

I know,

Isn't this fun?

Do you want to do this together?

And it doesn't mean we always have to feel like we have a crown on our head or royal robes on our shoulders,

But that's actually possible.

As we get closer to ourselves,

We can feel those moments of our value that were cherished,

That were a treasure just inside of here with me.

And if I bring that to a connection,

It's an entirely different ball game.

I love that as a preparation for a relationship.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like crown work,

Magnificence work.

More to come on this topic and many others.

I'm so glad we got to do this today.

Yes.

And I want to thank all of the listeners for engaging with us and with this material.

Have a beautiful day and a beautiful night,

Everybody,

And be sure to enjoy your closeness with yourself and with everything you love.

Bye for now.

See you next time.