Finding Belonging

This episode explores what belonging is, how it is different from fitting in, what is stopping you from experiencing belonging, and how to find belonging within and outside of yourself. I share practical guidance and journal prompts, designed to help you reflect and experience belonging on a deeper level.

Transcript

Hello and welcome everyone.

Thank you so much for sharing your time with me.

I truly appreciate you being here.

Today I'm going to talk about what belonging is,

How it is different from fitting in,

What is stopping you from experiencing belonging and how to find belonging within and outside of yourself.

I share practical guidance and journal prompts at the end of the episode to help you with your own self-reflections so you can explore belonging on a deeper level.

Before I begin,

I just want to make a quick note that everything I talk about today in terms of belonging is going to be in the context of self-acceptance,

Identity and sense of self.

Belonging is multi-layered and it can be a very broad subject.

So exploring it through these lens can help us stay focused and stay on track.

So I hope you enjoy and let's dive in.

We experience a sense of belonging when we feel secure,

Safe,

Welcomed and accepted for who we are in an open environment that's supportive of our growth and wellbeing and that's free from shame,

Bias,

Judgment and criticism.

Belonging comes from a sense of freedom,

Of being your whole self and not adjusting yourself to appease or gain approval and validation.

It can feel a lot like homecoming because it comes with knowing that we are not going to be judged or shamed for who we really are.

Genuine belonging doesn't require to hide uncomfortable or inconvenient parts of self because you know that they are just as worthy of belonging,

Acceptance and they have the right to exist in you and among others.

When we belong,

We feel safe.

When we belong,

We feel supported,

Secure and appreciated.

We feel capable and confident to be who we are.

We feel free to express our feelings,

Communicate our needs and wants and we feel at home.

Fitting in is different from belonging it implies that we need to change who we are in order to fit in.

Fitting in is literally about molding and shaping yourself to be the same as everyone else in the dynamic in order to be accepted and approved of.

It creates the belief that we can't be accepted by others if we show our full whole self.

It reinforces the assumption that we have to make compromises with our identity and personality and settle for something that is not quite right for us.

We also often try to fit in out of fear of being different or being an outlier and we hold on to the belief that if only we become less different then we would finally find our own place.

We don't believe that there is a place for us just by being who we are and that's why we have to settle with what's already there.

And this leads me to highlighting some of the main factors that stop us from experiencing belonging.

As I've mentioned fear can be a strong motivator and being alone is one of the most common fears.

And so we try to do anything we can in order to push away the fear of being alone or the fear of abandonment.

And this leads us to settle for fitting in rather than pursuing belonging which can take much longer.

We find it easier to keep our own place and it's easier to keep adjusting and changing ourselves in order to fit in rather than choose self belonging first and then be patient with the process of finding belonging outside of ourselves.

Another key factor is that we might have not had any examples growing up of what belonging looks like and therefore we might have confused it with fitting in.

We might hold the belief that to belong is to be judged and criticised.

We might hold the belief that belonging is conditional and that we would never feel heard and seen regardless if we belong or not.

So what's the point of even trying to find genuine belonging,

Right?

It's also common to look for belonging at all the wrong places.

We might have tried to change the dynamic itself or change the people who take part in it as an attempt to feel like we belong.

But belonging isn't just about being accepted as who we are.

It's also about accepting other people as who they are and not trying to change them or wish they were someone else.

Our sense of self-worth and self-acceptance also play a big role here.

If we struggle to accept ourselves and we believe that we are not good enough then we might settle for dynamics that are not grounded in worldliness.

We might not believe that we are worthy of genuine belonging because we are not good enough or because we believe that people won't accept us.

And if we struggle to see our own self-worth and value then this would reflect in our actions.

For example,

By choosing dynamics or relationships that are not supportive of our growth and wellbeing.

You can experience belonging within yourself in terms of understanding yourself on a deeper level and you can experience belonging outside of yourself such as in a family unit,

Relationship,

Workspace,

Physical community,

Online community,

Society,

Culture,

Nature and even the Earth as a whole.

However,

You can find belonging within yourself because it is entirely within your control.

Even if you currently struggle with it,

With time and patience,

Effort and commitment you can absolutely get there.

However,

When it comes to belonging outside of yourself it is not entirely up to us.

We can't control how people perceive us,

What they think of us,

What they say to us and generally how they behave.

We can only be responsible for our own actions and reactions.

And this is why if you are looking for belonging outside of yourself things can get a bit tricky because we may forget what we can control and what we can't.

We may get sidetracked and focus too much on why we are not accepted,

Why we don't belong and what is wrong with us.

And blaming and judging ourselves.

And in result we may try to fix or adjust ourselves just so we can finally feel that sense of belonging.

But as I said earlier,

True belonging is not about changing yourself in order to feel like you belong.

Because this is veering into the fitting in territory.

And if we want to fit in we don't necessarily mean that we belong.

Fitting in is not about changing yourself fitting in is more constrained by the current direction of the dynamic and less flexible and agile to any natural changes that occur with time and space.

For example you may feel like you belong in a friendship dynamic where you hold certain beliefs and values but as your values shift with age you may notice that you no longer feel at home in that friendship.

And if you try to adjust your values to stay in that friendship that would be what fitting in is but not belonging.

However it's also worth saying that not every dynamic can offer lifelong belonging and it is not realistic of us to expect so.

So even if you found belonging for years in a relationship or a community as you grow as a person you may start to feel like you no longer belong there.

And so you may try to shrink and get back to who you were before you shifted but having a place somewhere doesn't mean that it's your place.

And I think we all deserve to find our own place somewhere out there.

If you no longer experience belonging in that dynamic it's okay to move forward and find belonging elsewhere rather than betray yourself in result.

As humans we are social beings and it's only natural for us to want to experience belonging on this deeply grounded level.

We want to feel that we are not alone.

We want to experience emotional and physical safety and security.

We want to feel heard and seen and understood.

We crave connection and we deserve to experience it in a way that all parts of self are welcomed and accepted while shame and judgment can't coexist.

So how do we get there?

First let's start with finding belonging within yourself.

You need to reflect on what self belonging mean to you.

We all have our own perceptions and interpretations.

We create unique meanings.

So you need to become aware of how self belonging would feel like to you individually and how you know that you belong.

This is why I'm going to share some specific journal prompts at the end of the episode so you can not only spark some insights but also put them into practice.

Once you know what self belonging means to you then you can put that time and effort I talked about earlier into experiencing it.

I know that it may sound a bit vague and abstract,

I understand,

But self belonging isn't one of these things that we can easily wrap up,

Neatly package and ship.

It's a form of sense and we can't always formulate this sense.

With that being said,

There is something that I want to mention when it comes to belonging within yourself.

And this is making sure that you identify the parts of self that you find uncomfortable,

Inconvenient,

Unacceptable,

Broken,

Unworthy or not good enough.

Because self belonging comes with self acceptance and if we refuse or deny acceptance to our uncomfortable parts of self then we can't fully allow ourselves to belong.

When we resist our love and acceptance we resist our belonging because all parts of self deserve to belong.

And this is what self belonging looks like in practice.

If you take it out of the conceptual and the abstract how well do you know yourself?

How well do you understand the depths of who you are?

What parts of self do you deny or push away?

What would allow you to welcome them back to yourself?

How would it feel if these parts of you belonged?

As you allow all parts of self to come back to you and belong to you this is when your perception starts to shift.

You see yourself as a whole,

Complex,

Layered,

Gifted and flawed human being who belongs to themselves and have the birthright to belong to this world.

No one can take away your sense of self belonging and no one can give you that sense either.

This is why you can take off all the pressures of trying,

Striving and adjusting.

You can experience a deep sense of belonging within yourself even if you don't have it all figured out or even if other people don't accept you.

Because self belonging isn't about other people.

It's about you.

You can choose to belong to yourself.

Remind yourself that it's safe for you to belong to yourself.

When it comes to finding belonging outside of yourself I would invite you to shift the focus from what am I doing wrong and do they like me to do I feel safe here?

Do I feel accepted?

Am I being my whole self?

Also pay attention to your body.

How does it feel?

Do you feel any tension or pressure?

Do you feel at ease?

Do you feel judged or criticized?

Do you feel heard and seen?

Spending time in observation and self reflection and collecting this information can help you become more aware of your thought and behavior patterns so you can then shift what you don't find supportive for your well-being.

For example,

You may start evaluating if your current relationship,

Workspace,

Community,

Etc.

Is a safe space for you to experience belonging or is it an environment that requires from you to adjust yourself in order to be accepted?

Knowing what you want to experience and knowing who you are as a person what your boundaries are,

What your needs,

Wants and expectations are can help you determine if your actions support and reflect your needs and wants and your self-worth or if they don't.

And if they don't,

Then there is an opportunity for you to shift what isn't working.

You can't force finding belonging outside of yourself.

You can take the time and effort to make sure you are selective of the dynamics that you emotionally invest in but you can't speed up this process or fake it until you make it.

And even though belonging is so important to us it is not a requisite to finding belonging within yourself.

When you find that belonging within,

Then you would approach life differently and lessen the focus on others.

Experiencing self-belonging is really powerful and it shouldn't be just an afterthought to any other form of belonging.

It's the foundation that can make all the difference.

And now let's move on to our journal prompts and questions for self-reflection and see what comes up.

So feel free to grab some pen and paper,

Take a moment to pause,

Centre yourself or take a deep cleansing breath and let's begin.

What does belonging mean to you?

What does it look like to you?

What would it feel like?

How would you know that you belong?

What would be different in your life or within yourself?

What is stopping you from finding belonging within yourself?

What patterns do you need to shift?

What parts of self do you reject,

Deny or push away?

What parts of self do you find uncomfortable,

Inconvenient or not good enough?

What would allow you to welcome them back to yourself?

How would it feel if these parts of you belonged?

I really hope you found these prompts helpful and I hope you enjoyed this episode.

Let me know what you think,

I would love to hear from you.

And if you'd like to dive deeper into this work,

I've got a free self-acceptance workbook and journal guide that you can grab from my website for free.

And if you want to overcome unworthiness,

Insecurity,

Shame,

Self-betrayal and negative self-talk,

My one-on-one coaching program,

Rooted in psychology,

Will help you shift behaviour and thought patterns,

Process emotions,

Accept all parts of yourself,

Find belonging and finally feel whole.

You can learn more via the link in my bio or about section.

Thank you so much for sharing your time with me,

I truly appreciate it.

I send you lots of love and see you soon.

Reviews

Nameste 🙏

Thank you for offering this discussion on belonging! For as far back as I can remember, belonging and fitting in were interchangeable. What an incredible and profound shift in perspective and insight to understand that they are, in fact, different! I hope that this knowledge will help in my journey towards healthy self-acceptance.

Thank you for your insight on this topic. I will be reflecting on the journaling questions. 🙏

Amazing! Thank you 😊
Got to the heart of this very important, core organising theme, and helped me clarify some of what I was thinking and feeling ❤️

I loved this and will be exploring the journal prompts to dive deeper. Thank you 😊

I'm struggling a bit with belonging at the moment. I know that the key is in cultivating self-belonging, it's just that I need many reminders to refocus and ground myself. This talk has done just that for me - thankyou so much. Such clear practical guidance, I'll revisit the journal prompts often 🙏

Wonderful. Thx a lot Annie

I really like to listen. The questions in the end were very interesting. I will try to think carefully about the answers. Thank you so much.

Very helpful

Shift the focus from what am I doing wrong to do I feel accepted, am I being myself, how does it feel ...this piece stood out for me. Very thoughtful talk, thanks Annie 🙏❤️