Welcome to Life Unedited,
The Power of Radical Acceptance.
28 Theories of Living in Reality.
This is a series of practical strategies to use in life through the lens of reality for changing obstacles into opportunities.
I'm Tiffany and this is Theory 11,
The Myth It Is Normal to Argue.
I would love to meet the person who coined the phrase,
It is normal to argue.
That person deserves an award of some sort for making the excuse of all times for people to choose irrational behavior and not only deem it acceptable but also label it normal.
I grew up in a family that argued.
We took it to a level that embarrasses me even now.
I thought it was normal.
I thought that when we were in the middle of yet another knockdown,
Drag-out family brawl about something we could not even name if asked,
The Joneses across the street and the Smiths down the block were probably doing the same thing.
For clarification purposes,
Let me define the parameters of arguing here because just yesterday I had a client grill me by saying,
Even my marriage counselor says it's normal to argue.
Arguing and fighting are when people go back and forth over something trying to impress their idea of what is right,
To prove a point,
To wear the other person down,
Or just make the other person feel bad.
These back-and-forth interactions usually increase in intensity,
Volume,
And often in irrational statements and behaviors.
Some people argue by resorting to yelling and screaming at one another.
Other people get quiet and withdraw into themselves.
Adrenaline flows,
Heart rate and blood pressure typically increase.
People say things they don't mean and they mean things they don't say.
They are purposefully hurtful and tend to drag past resentments into the argument.
Misery loves company.
Someone has chosen to be upset about something and by arguing they subconsciously want the other person to feel bad along with them.
They also try to feed their egos or make the other person feel bad or worse,
All in the name of being right.
I hear it all the time that couples argue,
Families fight,
And it's typical sibling behavior to scream and yell at one another.
Why is this behavior normalized in families yet frowned upon in professional settings?
We can argue with a family member in our kitchen,
But not with our co-workers in the same manner at the office.
I found it confusing when I got into trouble for arguing with my brother when we watched my parents argue all the time.
Double standards.
Mixed messages.
I carried this behavior into my relationship in my 20s.
I argued,
Fought,
Yelled,
Screamed,
Threatened,
And insulted men in my life.
After all,
This is what my role models did.
That's how my family behaved and I thought it was normal.
Then one day I woke up to a beautiful sunny morning and it literally dawned on me that it is not normal to argue.
That is an excuse to behave poorly.
It is an easy way out because it takes effort to have a productive disagreement or a difficult conversation to compromise or concede a point.
We are a reactive society.
Reactions come from a place of strong emotion,
Which in this case is typically negative.
It takes concerted effort to hear a person who is angry,
Then pause and formulate a compassionate response.
It is not normal to argue.
However,
It is normal to disagree.
This is where unconditional acceptance comes into play.
Sharing differing opinions,
Discuss them,
Explore them,
Accept that the opinions are different,
Then work toward a common ground or compromise.
No one has all the right answers and no answer is right for everyone.
We can accept what is right for one is not right for all.
We came from different life experiences and our individual rights are determined by our individual perspectives.
Can't we just let one another have their own beliefs and opinions?
What is the worst thing that could happen if we didn't try to prove our point,
Especially at someone else's expense?
