The Power Of Agreement In Marriage

In this conversation, Tremica Carter and Tanya Murphy discuss the vital role of agreement in marriage. They explore the definition of agreement, its importance in fostering harmony and peace, and the barriers that can hinder agreement, such as selfishness and outside influences. The speakers emphasize that agreement is not just situational but a heart matter that requires ongoing communication and compromise. They also highlight the power of agreement in strengthening the marital bond and the importance of having accountability partners to support couples in their journey together.

Transcript

Hey T,

How are you doing today?

Girl,

I'm doing good.

Good,

Good,

Good.

I'm glad.

I'm doing well as well.

That's so good.

I'm so excited about our time together to share and talk today.

I am too.

I am too.

This is going to be a great topic today.

Yeah,

One that is something that we live by,

You and your marriage,

Me and my marriage to David,

You with Kevin.

And our topic today is going to be on agreement.

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord.

Agreement is a very necessary thing to have when you are married.

As a matter of fact,

It's necessary.

It is vital.

It's one of those things that if you don't have it,

You will constantly be frustrated and aggravated and not able to accomplish the things that you want to accomplish because you're not on the same page.

That's right.

That's right.

Yeah,

This is a great topic today.

So let's get into it.

All right,

Girl,

Let's get into it.

We wanted to start off today by actually giving you the definition of agreement.

Okay.

All right.

So agreement is harmony or accordance in opinion or feeling.

Okay.

So I love that Miriam said harmony.

I know that stuck out the most to me too,

Harmony,

Because agreement allows you to form a sense of harmony in your marriage.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I mean,

Agreement can bring peace.

It just,

It brings security.

And I just thought that when I saw it,

I was like,

Okay,

Cool.

Yeah,

It was on point.

But what I also see is the flip side of that is when you don't have harmony,

The opposite of that is frustration,

Agitation,

Dexation.

Absolutely.

All of those things that are the opposite of you living in a beautiful place with your husband or with your spouse,

If you're a man listening in with your wife.

Absolutely.

When you don't have harmony,

You don't have peace.

Not at all.

It just can't exist,

Which is why agreement becomes important in marriage.

So let's just talk about,

We've given the definition of agreement,

But practically,

Talking about what agreement really looks like.

When we have opportunities to be able to come together and agree,

It can look like,

We know we want a three-bedroom,

Two-bath house,

But every house,

And we've come to a budget.

We have agreed on a $600,

000 budget,

But every house that we've seen has been $750,

000 and $800,

000 for what we really like.

We agreed on $650,

000,

But we keep looking at $750,

000 and $800,

000.

Are we willing to sit down and have a conversation about increasing our budget,

Or are we willing to sit down and determine we're going to live within that $650,

000,

And we may have to make some changes?

Okay,

So now let's talk about that,

Girl.

Let's just get really real.

How many of you guys watch House Hunters?

Wow.

Oh,

My God.

I mean,

Listen,

Have you seen the episodes where the agent says,

So what do you guys want?

And the husband says,

I want contemporary five bedrooms,

Backyard with nine bathrooms.

And the wife says,

So the real estate agent asks,

So what do you want?

I want a Tudor-style house with a cottage-y feel,

A very old kitchen.

I don't want it to be modern.

I want to fix it up.

And you're sitting there in front of the TV like,

What the heck?

You are a married couple,

And those are two different houses.

Absolutely.

And the agent is looking like,

Now I have to figure out how am I going to bridge the gap between two people who want to buy a house together,

Want to live in the house together,

But yet they want two different houses.

Well,

Like you said,

Tonya,

Well,

I want a budget.

You know,

Our budget is $650,

But I'm really willing to go $750.

I'm willing to go $850,

But I really want to pool here.

I'm not really,

I don't really want to pool,

But you really want to pool.

Those episodes always take me out because,

You know,

David and I sit down and we kind of laugh.

We're like,

They are not on the same team.

They are not in the same place.

You know,

I think the thing that always takes me over the edge is the fact that they know that they're going to be on House Hunters.

Yeah.

And they still have not gotten to a place of agreement.

I mean,

It's one thing to not know what you want at home,

But you have been,

You know,

Cast for the show.

Right.

Like you bought your good clothes to wear out,

And the camera crew is there.

The camera crew is there,

And you still don't know what you want.

Right.

And so agreement or the lack of agreement looks like that.

The lack of agreement absolutely looks like that.

But how can you come into talking about that piece?

How can you come into agreement at that point?

It is that piece of sitting down and really deciding what's really important.

Is it more important to stay within budget,

Or is it more important to have the things that you want,

And then you're willing to compromise and take your budget to another place?

That's just a real life example of what those types of things that you may want to come into agreement with.

But how do you do it?

Yes.

How do you do it?

You know,

What if one decides,

Well,

You know,

Money,

I don't feel like money should be an object.

And then the other one is saying,

Yeah,

Money absolutely is an object.

At some place,

You have to be able to have conversation until you both come to a place you're comfortable with,

And that then becomes compromise.

Absolutely.

And I can tell you,

And I know you can speak to this,

Tanya,

With you and Kevin being married 30+,

And David and I being married 30+,

Is over time,

You realize that those situations don't work well for you.

They don't work well for you until you decide,

Until you make a decision to get on the same page.

You know,

You and I talked about this a little bit earlier.

You know,

We talked about that agreement isn't just about a situation.

Like we're talking,

We're giving you guys like these examples about the houses and stuff to kind of bring the definition alive.

But we've also talked about that agreement isn't just situational.

Right.

You know,

It's just not about a house or it's not about trying to agree on one particular thing.

Yeah.

In marriage,

Agreement is a decision that you are making as a couple,

As a team,

To come together,

To go at life together,

To dream together,

To raise your family together.

You know,

You become,

You agree to become a team.

And if you want to talk about teams and you're thinking about football or basketball or any sport or anything like that,

None of it works unless the people work together to accomplish one goal.

And the one goal is to win.

That's right.

That's right.

It can't be one person that defies the play,

Right?

Because in sports,

You have a playbook,

You have something that you're going by.

And if one person decides that they're going to go the opposite way or they're going to do something outside of what the team has already agreed on,

Then potentially you can set the team up for failure.

That's right.

So just like in a sporting type of capacity,

You know,

We're thinking about,

You know,

Liking that to marriage is you have to make a decision that you are on the same team.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

No,

As we were talking about that,

I was just thinking,

You know,

Let's just take this back to the Word.

You know,

You had given some great scriptures earlier.

And so let's just talk about what the Word of God says about it.

And then I have the opportunity to be able to base our foundation on God's Word.

That's always the place we want to go from anyway.

Initially,

You know,

I always love Job 22,

21,

Agree with God,

Be at peace and it will be well with you.

And then Trameka,

You had given two other scriptures,

Amos 3,

3.

What was that Trameka?

Amos 3 and 3 said,

How can two walk together unless they agree?

How can they walk together unless they agree?

Being on the same page matters.

Absolutely.

It doesn't just matter on,

As Trameka said,

Situations,

It should be something you live by.

You should live by being on the same page.

There's nothing more heartbreaking for me to see than you have people who get married and then three years later,

One decided that something that they said that they were all right with,

They no longer all right with.

So I'll just give this example.

You have people that get married and they say they want to have a family.

And then all of a sudden,

One of them decides they don't want a family.

Well,

You have to know that when you come into agreement,

It is a heart matter.

It's not something that you say you do because you want to get married.

It's not something that you just say because,

You know,

In that moment it feels right.

Agreement is something that really requires our thoughts.

It really requires us to be considerate.

It requires us to really sit down and say,

If we're going to live a life together,

I want us,

As you said earlier,

To be on the same team.

And that is absolutely important.

You know what being on the same team really is?

It is,

I have your best interest at heart and you have my best interest at heart.

Absolutely.

And that's what makes us come to agreement.

That's the thing that makes us want things so that our marriage can flow smooth.

Absolutely.

Even in difficult times,

We can make hard decisions and be okay with it.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I love that because as you were just,

You know,

Digging into that part,

I know it was like somebody's probably saying,

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

That's,

You know,

This person just will not get on,

You know,

My spouse won't get on the same page with me.

And if they would just agree with me,

Well,

It's just not about that person agreeing with you.

Right.

It's about you being in agreement with one another.

And I love that you went to touch on,

It's a team effort.

Yes.

It's a decision.

Yeah.

It's,

It's not being selfish.

It is considering the other person.

Absolutely.

All the time.

All the time.

And they are considering you all the time.

Absolutely.

That is what agreement looks like in marriage.

It is a team effort.

And when the team is on the same page,

Winning is inevitable.

Yes.

Right.

Absolutely.

You know,

I,

What I love,

You know,

We share our situations and our personal,

You know,

Testimonies all the time.

And I can speak personally for myself and for my marriage with David is,

You know,

Agreement allows us to dream together.

Yes.

Agreement allows us to become vulnerable with one another.

Yes,

It does.

And we can share our fears,

Our dreams,

Or we can talk about why we don't really want to go in a particular direction,

Which then gives the other person the opportunity to hear the other person and consider all of the things behind it.

Yes.

Right.

That's right.

So,

Because that's my dude and we are together and we are walking together and our whole,

You know,

Our thoughts are always making sure that we are living our best life in the fullness of what we have decided that we want together.

And that's what agreement does.

And it breaks my heart.

As you mentioned earlier,

When you hear the stories of people that,

You know,

Three years in,

Two years in,

Sometimes even earlier than that,

That sometimes their marriages really don't make it because they can't find a place where they can compromise and agree.

And to say it again,

The way you,

You know,

Mentioned it earlier is that because it's not just situational,

It is a decision.

It's a heart matter that you go in with.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

When we,

When we think about agreement in this society right now,

Where we are in the world,

One of the biggest barriers to agreement is selfishness.

Absolutely.

Girl,

Talk about that.

Just talk about that.

One of the biggest barriers to agreement is selfishness.

Girl,

Speak on it.

Absolutely.

It is that piece of I want what I want,

How I want it.

I don't care how it impacts us.

I don't care how it impacts our finances.

I want what I want.

And that is,

It's selfish,

But it's also really immature.

So,

So it's that piece of having to examine ourselves to determine why we are struggling to be able to come into some level of agreement.

The other thing about agreement is that it's not going to always happen.

So,

You know,

That's just another mature place.

We're human beings and we're subject to not agree.

And that's actually okay.

And it's healthy.

But,

But,

But in a marriage,

When you don't agree,

Then you compromise.

And you still have to come to compromise.

So ultimately coming to a compromise is you agree to compromise.

Absolutely.

And so there's still good.

That's good.

And we're going to dial it back so that you're clear.

And when we,

Because I'll mention this again,

Agreement in a marriage is just not situational.

It is a hard posture.

Because as you just say it,

You will get to different moments in your marriage where you will not agree.

That's one person will,

You know,

Feel this way.

Another person will feel another way.

Right.

But it doesn't mean that you're not in agreement because being in agreement in your marriage is a state of being situations come up.

Like you said,

Tonya,

You just,

Then you go into,

And we talked about that just a few minutes ago.

Then you learn to agree.

You learn to work through your agreement process.

So first you're in a state of agreement.

That's what you decide,

Hard posture going in.

And then in your marriage,

You're learning how to walk through the agreement,

How to have the conversations,

How to share with one another.

Like we just talked,

Like I just talked about with David and I,

We can be vulnerable.

We can talk about why we want this,

Why we want that.

And then going back to what you said about then as you're learning how to agree,

Then you realize in that,

Okay,

Wow,

Not compromising is coming in to play.

Now I realized my spouse needs this.

And now I have to see what I'm going to do to come to a place.

But as you just also said,

And even sometimes in that,

You still won't fully agree with one another.

And then you still may settle on a compromise,

Which still brings you back to a wonderful place of agreement.

You live from a place,

You're living from a place.

Agreement is a foundational principle of your marriage.

And that is why you are willing to sit down and compromise,

Think things out.

Well,

Maybe I want to do it this way,

But I can see your point.

And so can we consider X,

Y,

Z?

And that's important because God formed us with opinions.

We have opinions and sometimes they're different.

And then here's another thing for us to be able to think about.

Sometimes the thing you agreed to five years ago,

You both have now made a decision to agree to something else because what you did five years ago no longer works.

That's right.

What you did five years ago never worked.

And you just were trying to do something.

You realize,

Wait a minute,

We need to do something different.

And then you sit down and develop strategies together so that you can now come into agreement about something new.

It requires you being able to examine,

Is what we agreed upon working?

And then if it's not,

Being able to learn something new.

So being teachable.

And then once you learn something new,

Coming into agreement about something different.

And that's okay too.

You know,

I'm going to tell you one of the biggest things that people have a tendency to do and it sabotages the mess out of their relationships,

Is stick with something that's not working just because they told,

Maybe they told other people or said something to other people about it and they don't want to change it because they feel like if they change it,

It looks like they ain't doing something right.

Oh God.

Let me tell you what you can do.

You can throw away all those hard lines.

Yes.

Marriage.

Absolutely.

Because as you grow,

You're going to ebb and flow.

Yes,

You will.

I promise you.

As you change and evolve,

Things will change and evolve.

Absolutely.

And they should.

And that's okay.

Absolutely.

It is absolutely okay.

When we talk about agreement,

Sometimes a big barrier to that,

Trameka,

Is when we're talking about ebbing and flowing and moving,

Because really then that becomes what it looks like to other people when you're worried about changing how you agree.

Sometimes one of those barriers to agreement is your outside influences.

Yep.

It is you talking to the wrong people about stuff that you and your spouse agreed on.

Absolutely.

You're talking to people who really don't understand the vision that God is giving you and your spouse for your marriage.

Absolutely.

And so you all may have come into agreement about something.

Somebody doesn't understand what that really means.

And now they're giving you a little bit of a challenge because they don't understand that when you come into agreement,

You stand in power.

Absolutely.

Girl,

That part right there.

When you come into agreement,

You come into power.

Yes.

And what's crazy about that,

You come into power that takes you higher or you come into power that takes you into another direction.

Absolutely.

But the thing to just highlight is that's why the power of agreement is so powerful.

That's right.

It's so powerful.

I mean,

You know,

When we think about just the word,

Period,

You know,

Jesus,

You know,

It's in the word where it talks about touching and agreeing.

Yes.

Talks about if two or more gathered in my name,

You know,

It talks about those things that there is power in agreement.

You know,

If one can put a thousand to flight,

Two can put ten thousand to flight,

You know,

Agreeing in prayer.

There's a whole,

There is power in agreement.

So between a husband and a wife,

It's just unstoppable,

The things that you can do.

And so,

You know,

You mentioned about the outside influences,

You know,

We live in a world now where it's just not the same like when you and I started out our marriages,

Right?

You and Kevin,

This is,

You know,

Way back in the day for you and way back in the day for me and David.

And now sometimes those outside influences that come against that power of agreement now can look like social media.

It can look like the lane that someone else lives in.

And so comparison comes into play.

And now you're looking at somebody else's stuff,

Thinking that,

You know,

My stuff should be like that.

Outside influences can be people speaking into your marriage,

Giving unsolicited advice,

Family,

Friends,

You know,

And all of those things.

So you also have to know how to make sure that you are not falling into a trick bag of listening to other people and comparing yourself to other people.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Comparison is the thief of joy,

But it can also be the thief of joy,

Peace and harmony in a marriage.

And then this is the other thing that we always got to remember.

Sometimes stuff look a certain kind of way.

You don't know what's going on.

You really don't know what's going on.

Be careful about comparing your relationship to somebody else's when you really don't know what's going on.

This is why it is important as women that trust God,

That stand on the foundation of God's word to be able to know the word for yourself so that when you are hearing what other people are saying,

You're standing on God's word.

You're not standing on what people on social media say.

That's right.

You're not standing on what your neighbor did.

You are standing on God's word.

And then here's the other thing that spending time in God's word does when you are talking about your own marriage.

It allows you to have some discernment.

And so when you have discernment,

You are able,

Even if you have accountability partners,

You're able to choose them with wisdom.

That part right there.

You're able to choose them with where you're not just looking at somebody because of what they have.

You're looking at somebody that is wise.

You're looking at somebody that operates in integrity.

You're looking at people who have a track record for doing what is right.

A people who have a track record of being able to solve problems because that's really all that agreement ends up being.

Ultimately,

You're solving problems together all throughout your marriage.

All throughout your marriage,

You're problem solving.

That's right.

And so you want to be able to kind of look at people who have a track record for doing that.

And I'm glad you brought that up,

Tanya,

Because,

You know,

We also all the time talk about balance.

Yes.

And while we have talked about the power of agreement between a husband and a wife and that being on that same team and woohoo,

And you can make it and you can do it and you can run and you can achieve the goal.

Having trusted accountability partners are part of that process as well.

Absolutely.

And I love that you gave an example of what that should look like because we should all desire to have wisdom poured into us and we should all desire to be teachable because we don't know everything.

And so I just don't ever want to be in a place where my husband and myself,

We're an island all by ourselves and nobody can tell us anything.

Nobody can say anything to us.

Nobody can give us advice because we're so locked into each other that we don't need anybody.

Like we're not saying that either.

We're not saying that.

No,

That's not what we're trying to get across.

Can you talk more about that,

Tanya?

Well,

Yeah.

You know,

God's word lets us know that we need to be able to have people in our lives spiritually.

We need to be able to have people in our lives that can pour into who we are.

That is important.

You go to a church because you have a pastor who is able to teach you the word of God so that you can be able to discern it for yourself.

You'll know it for yourself.

You have people in your life that will be your prayer partners,

You know,

Your accountability partners.

But you have those people because God designed us to be in relationship.

Now,

In a marriage,

You want to really be able to have people that can hold you to what God is saying for you.

Absolutely.

You know,

And that doesn't mean that they always have all of the insight.

But what it does mean is that they have enough wisdom that if you ask a question,

They can lead you right back to what the Lord should,

You know,

Is telling you.

They can lead you back to be able to say,

What are you asking God about?

Are you praying about it?

And then not only that,

But they have enough practical application to be able to say,

Well,

Let me tell you my own experience.

Now,

I'm not telling you what to do.

What I am saying is this is something that has worked for me.

You know,

And I can just give this as the best example that I have is that,

You know,

Me and my husband,

Me and Kevin,

31 years this year,

We've been married 31 years this year.

We have been together for 32 years.

OK,

Me and Kevin didn't always have people that we could really look to in terms of our marriage.

And it took us a while.

And the reason it took a while is because we were watching.

We were watching,

Paying attention,

Seeing how people actually lived and flowed and functioned.

And then when we did find that,

It was such a blessing because we were able to change so many things in our life.

You know,

We had questions about financially.

We want to do something different,

But we're not really sure the direction to go.

We had somebody that we could finally sit down and say that and they could say,

Well,

If you don't mind,

I'm willing to show you this.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

When we had moments of,

You know,

We wanted to be able to make some changes in terms of moving.

We had some people we could sit down with and say,

We're thinking about this.

Do you know anything about this area?

Do you know anything?

And they could be able to provide some guidance.

Absolutely.

You're not an island all to yourself.

Becoming an island to yourself is dangerous,

Actually.

And it's dangerous because you can be right in your own eyes,

But not be right.

That's right.

That's right.

You can be right in your own eyes,

But not be right.

And so both of y'all are doing stuff.

And it seems like it makes a lot of sense,

But ultimately it may lead you to a place you don't want to go.

And so there is nothing wrong.

And as a matter of fact,

We highly suggest you have some great accountability partners.

Let me tell you what accountability partners do,

Actually.

Accountability partners get on your page.

They don't try to encourage you to get on theirs.

They don't try to make you do something that they do.

Accountability partners are people that you can talk to about your dreams,

Your goals,

Your visions,

The things you want to do together and what y'all are coming to remember.

And then they get on your page.

That's right.

They pray for what you're asking God for,

And they stand with you in support of helping to see you through.

That's right.

That's what good accountability partners do.

And when they see you scurrying off and it don't look like you're going in the direction you said,

They also have the ability to pull your coattail.

Exactly.

And say,

Wait a minute,

Y'all said y'all was going to do this.

And now I'm watching y'all kind of do this.

What's going on?

Absolutely.

And that is not because they are trying to be all up in your business.

That's not it.

It's true accountability partners want to see you succeed at the thing you said you wanted to do.

That's right.

If you have people that call themselves your accountability partners,

But every time you talk to them,

They're trying to get you to do what they want you to do.

They are not your accountability partners.

Amen to that.

They're not.

They're manipulators.

And there's a difference.

That's a whole another show for another day.

Yes,

It is.

That's something to just be mindful of.

People who love you and want to be able to see you stand in agreement together will stand with you on the thing you're trusting God for.

Amen.

Amen.

And hold you accountable to living in it.

I love it.

I love that.

That explains a lot.

And I hope that you guys got the value out of what we talked about today.

I know that I live in a state of agreement with my husband.

And I know that you live in a state of agreement with your husband.

And we just wanted to share today how important that is,

How important it is to make sure that you understand how to come in agreement.

And I believe we covered that today,

How to make sure that you're on the same team and that you are not falling to outside influences as it relates to the agreement that you and your spouse are supposed to have with one another.

And making sure that you are not looking at other people's lane and comparing or allowing other people to speak against the agreement that you and your husband have.

But also understanding that you're not an island all by yourself,

That you should have trusted accountability partners,

Always remaining teachable and always seeking wisdom.

We have enjoyed you guys today.

We love talking to y'all.

We pray that you are blessed and we will see you next time.

All right.

See you guys later.

See you guys later.