Hello,
Hello.
My name is Jessica Amos.
I'm a mindfulness teacher and coach,
And I'm the founder of Stay With Yourself.
Stay With Yourself is the practice of being who you are,
Where you are,
Learning to honor yourself in each moment.
Today,
I am really excited to talk to you about the most profound quote.
That really,
Really changed my life.
It's this quote by Annis Nin.
I heard this quote back in 2011,
2012,
When I was going through what I call like my second phase of awakening and healing.
Before I tell you the quote,
I'm going to build some suspense here.
I want to tell you what I mean by like first phase and second phase of awakening or growing in awareness and healing.
So in the first phase of my awakening,
It was when I just really started to come alive to the reality and the truth that there were things that needed healing in my life,
Some things that needed facing.
Caretakers and we are put into school systems and society and all this stuff.
And there's all this unconscious conditioning that happens and all these ways that we've unconsciously built survival modes and methods around ourselves in our lives.
And there's nothing wrong or bad about that.
But I reached a point when I was in my early 20s and I was about to give birth to my first child that I realized I couldn't give her anything I couldn't give myself.
And I wanted to give her more than what I was willing to tolerate.
In my own life.
So I call that like my first awakening when I really actually started to awaken to all the pain that I had been carrying that I had never faced before.
So it's actually quite a time,
Quite a bit of pain and grief and just coming alive to myself and and my own desires,
My own needs at that time.
And and then fast forward about 10 years later,
I kind of end up in phase two where I realize I'm having a lot of anger,
Lot of resentment.
I'm kind of lashing out verbally.
I'm noticing patterns that are just not aligned with how I want to be showing up.
And,
You know,
When we're showing up with some of that resentment or that anger,
That angst or the lashing out or just the tone of voice or the anxiety,
You know,
Chronic anxiety has just been with me my whole life.
There's just so many things I was living from that I was starting to recognize that just weren't in alignment,
Protective mechanisms.
So I started facing the reality of actually changing my behavior.
And that's huge.
So it's one thing to like awaken and face the pain and feel it and to acknowledge it,
Right?
To acknowledge there's trauma,
Et cetera.
It's another thing to actually start really doing what I call the like on the ground,
Boots on the ground work of truly changing the patterning,
Truly changing how we're showing up.
And that is like a practice that is difficult.
To life in order to choose a new path.
But it's in making those changes that our entire lives change.
So at that time,
When I was realizing this is not working for me to feel resentful and to blame others and to act the victim and to be so angry and to feel just constantly anxious and out of control.
This is not working for me.
I don't like who I am.
And that was also kind of contributing to a shame cycle as well,
Which was not working for me.
So this quote came into my life.
At the perfect time and this is it.
From Anna Sinan,
She says,
And the day came.
When the risk to remain tight in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to bloom.
I'm going to say that again,
And maybe some of you have heard this,
But,
And the day came.
When the wrist to remain tight in a bud.
Became more painful than the risk it took.
To bloom.
And.
I just got the chills saying it now because it resonated so deeply in my heart and in my soul at the time.
And I really want to share it with you here.
In terms of boots on the ground,
Actively changing.
Maybe how you're responding,
How you're speaking,
How you're showing up in life.
Really wanting to bridge the gap between how you've been and who it is you know you are deep inside and becoming and living from this deeper self.
As opposed to this defended and guarded and small self,
Right?
So.
That quote alone gave me the courage of the day came.
When the risk to remain tight in a bud,
It was so painful,
It was becoming so painful to be so defended and so guarded and in victim mode,
Like it became so painful.
That the risk to actually let go of the stories.
To actually let go of fighting and control and protection.
The day came when that was more of a risk.
Than actually letting it go and choosing to open.
My heart to soften and to to take ownership.
Of my experience.
Which was a risk as well too.
Because this over here was safe.
This over here felt safe,
This tightness,
This constriction,
This staying tight in the bud.
It felt safe and it needed to be that way for a long time in order to survive.
So even though I'd faced a lot of things up until that point and I'd felt a lot of the feelings,
The old.
Mm,
Defenses we're still holding on,
Right?
So that was becoming so painful.
It was affecting my relationships.
It was affecting my heart.
It was affecting my happiness,
My ability to feel alive in my life.
So risking over here.
And this risk over here looked to me like letting myself be seen,
Being honest.
Um Speaking my truth.
Softening softening instead of fighting.
So that's what I want to leave you with today.
I'm not leaving you with a solution or an answer,
But how does this resonate with you?
This whole story,
This quote,
The risk to remain tight in a bud versus the risk to bloom.
Where are you at on your path?
What are you noticing?
And how can we start to bridge the gap between the survival mode?
Way of living and living from the truest,
Deepest parts of ourselves,
What would need to change for you?
I cannot wait to hear.
How this lands for you.
Feel free to ask questions and give feedback on any of this so we can go deeper together.
Until next time,
May you stay with yourself today and always.
