Return to Yourself Instead of Outsourcing Your Relationship

We all do this,

But talking about your relationship.

With everyone else instead of the person you're in it with might be the very thing keeping you stuck.

Have you ever thought about how sharing the issues in your relationship with your friends or family might actually be damaging your relationship even more.

In this video I want to talk about three ways you may be hurting your relationship.

By spilling the tea to everyone.

How it is impacting your relationship,

And what you can do instead.

Okay,

The first one is telling your mom,

Dad,

Or parental figure all the details of your fights or issues with your significant other.

And I'm speaking from experience.

Conflict is normal in a relationship.

I hate to break it to you,

But you will have disagreements.

But if your first inclination is to call up your parents,

And tell them every detail of what your partner did,

You are not only sabotaging your relationship with your significant other,

You are also impacting the relationship between your partner and your parents.

Why?

First,

Your parent will more often than not take your side.

They may begin to develop a negative perception of your partner Unless your parent is very self-aware,

Emotionally regulated,

And able to separate their role as your parent from the situation,

They are likely going to give biased advice or instinctively defend you.

The other issue with sharing all the details is that your parent likely passed down some level of generational patterns.

Or unhealed wounds.

Whether intentionally or not.

And now those same patterns can get reinforced in you.

Let me give you an example.

Let's say your mom has unresolved wounds around a father figure who was abusive or unfaithful.

She may carry a belief,

Consciously or unconsciously,

That men can't be trusted.

And will eventually hurt you.

So her advice might be to put him in his place.

Or not take anything from him.

But putting someone in their place is not a healthy way to repair a relationship.

Now I want to talk about sharing with friends.

We all do it.

It's normal and connection is important.

But you have to use discernment.

Our friends are also going to respond from their own experiences,

Their own wounds.

And their own relationship patterns.

Even when they have the best intentions.

Here's a personal example.

Last year,

I was going through a really difficult time with someone I was dating,

And a well-intentioned friend said,

I bet he's cheating on you.

I immediately started crying and told her that was not very helpful.

Now this is a friend I have known for over 30 years.

And I knew her history.

She had been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship where there was cheating.

She and I ended up having a really healing conversation.

And she was able to recognize that she was speaking from her own past pain.

Now on the flip side,

We often seek out the friend who is going to tell us what we want to hear.

This is an example of confirmation bias.

Here's another personal example.

A few months after my breakup,

I had a missed call from my ex.

But there was no message and no follow-up text.

It felt like he was breadcrumbing me,

So I was not planning to respond.

A few days later,

However,

I reached out to a friend of mine who is more of a hopeless romantic.

And if I'm being honest,

I knew what she was going to say.

She told me to reach out to him.

While I love her belief in love,

She also struggles with boundaries.

And tends to accept behavior that does not always feel aligned.

And I didn't fully see that in the moment.

So I went against my intuition and reached out to him to check to see if he was okay.

And he left me on red.

Again.

And reopened a painful wound.

And I wanna be really clear,

I'm not blaming my friend.

I was seeking validation outside of myself.

I was looking for permission.

It was another lesson in listening to my own intuition.

So what is this actually doing to your relationship?

The more you process your relationship outside of it.

The less you actually build it within it.

First,

It can erode the sense of safety and privacy in your relationship by sharing intimate details with people who are not in it.

Second,

It pulls you away from your own intuition.

You know your partner and your relationship better than anyone outside of it.

Third,

It can reinforce wounded beliefs.

Or create new ones based on other people's experiences.

Like all men are bad or people always leave.

And finally,

It prevents you from actually communicating directly with your partner.

And I want to say this very clearly.

If you ever feel unsafe,

Intimidated,

Or there is any form of abuse.

Please talk to someone you trust.

This does not always apply to those situations.

This doesn't mean you can't talk to anyone.

It just means you have to be intentional about who you give that access to and why.

So what do you do instead?

Use discernment.

Not everyone needs access to the details of your relationship.

Therapy can be one of the safest places to process your relationship with someone who is trained to stay neutral and help you reflect rather than react.

You can also choose to talk to people who are in relationships you genuinely admire.

Not just people who will validate you in the moment.

And most importantly,

Start learning your own patterns.

Understand your attachment style.

Begin noticing when you are seeking reassurance instead of trusting yourself.

This is really about coming back to yourself,

Learning to trust your intuition,

Regulate your emotions,

Communicate directly instead of looking outside of yourself for answers.

And when you start doing that,

Your relationships naturally begin to change.