98. Love Speaks: Decoding The 5 Love Languages

How do you know you are loved? Whether you are in a relationship or not, it’s helpful to know when you most feel loved, as well as the ways you enjoy showing the people in your life that they are important to you. In this mini-episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica & Michael discuss Gary Chapman’s pivotal book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, as a tool to better understand the important people in your life.

Transcript

I always say if your partner is asking for your attention,

Of course if you're in the middle of something that cannot be done later,

But if you're not and it's just an average day,

Like when I'm in the kitchen with my hands full of cookie dough and you've called me out,

I've used this example before,

You know,

Because you've read something funny,

I'll come out of the kitchen into the room with my hands full of cookie dough because I like that you stopped to share with me because you thought I would enjoy it.

And I think that couples don't do that enough.

And when they don't,

It usually causes arguments and feeling lonely in a relationship.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 98,

Summer edition.

Are we going to be giving them numbers even though they're going to be smaller?

You not want to number them?

No,

It's fine.

They're short.

I just want our listeners to understand.

I'm about to explain it.

We know all of our listeners have busy summers like us,

But we love doing this so much that we didn't want to take a summer break.

So instead during the month of July,

We'll be able to give our listeners some consciousness,

Some wisdom instead during the month of July and August,

We're going to do short 10 minute episodes,

But they'll probably be a little 10 minutes.

They could be eight.

No,

They won't be under eight.

They might be up to 20.

We hope you like them as much as hopefully we're going to enjoy recording them.

So this first one I thought was kind of fun.

It's not a new concept at all.

It's based on the book,

The Five Love Languages that came out in 1992.

And in that book,

Dr.

Gary Chapman noticed patterns in couples that he was counseling and he realized that couples were misunderstanding each other's needs.

So he led that.

That led him to these five love languages.

Do you know what they are?

No,

I do not.

So basically it's ways that people express love in relationships.

The first,

Not in any specific order actually,

But one is words of affirmation.

That's one language.

Can you explain that?

I just want to understand that.

I'm going to unpack it in a minute.

Okay.

I'm listening again.

The second is quality time,

Three physical touch,

Four acts of service and five receiving gifts.

That was way too fast for me.

I'm going to break it down.

While most of us appreciate all expressions of love,

We usually have ones that make us feel most loved.

And that one is usually the way we tend to express love to other people.

So for instance,

If your love language is words of affirmation,

That means the way you communicate love is you encourage,

Affirm,

Appreciate,

Empathize,

Listen actively.

And then the actions that you would take would be set an unexpected note,

A text,

A card,

Acknowledge genuinely and often.

Things to avoid would be non constructive criticism,

Not recognizing or appreciating effort.

Right?

So that's clear.

No,

Not to me.

Why not?

It just seemed really fast.

I went by so fast.

You want me to do it again?

It's not going to be 10 minutes.

I'll tell you right now.

I didn't think so.

If you're going to go into each one of the five language.

Honey,

It's very simple.

Okay.

So what's the first one?

Words of affirmation.

Basically you listen actively.

But it means that this is the way that you want to receive.

You want to be communicated to.

Yes.

This is how,

If that's your love language,

If your love language is words of affirmation,

That makes you feel great.

If I listen actively and I empathize with you.

I'm trying to think what mine is.

I'm not,

Well,

You don't know yet.

I'm not part of what we're going to do today.

So now I want to make,

I want to make quick notes.

We just tried to have some fun.

That was the game that was going to come out for this section.

Oh,

There's a game.

I'm excited now.

So the first one is affirmation.

Words of affirmation.

Words of affirmation.

Words of affirmation.

Okay.

Another way is physical touch.

So nonverbal,

Use body language,

Touch to use body language and touch to emphasize love,

Right?

Hugs,

Kisses,

Hand-holding,

Show physical attraction and affection regularly,

That kind of thing,

Right?

Because we know that couples and I meet with a lot of people who don't even have sex anymore and they're like,

But you know,

We're fine.

You're actually campy.

So the third is receiving gifts.

So thoughtfulness,

Make your spouse a priority,

Speak purposefully.

Sorry.

So you said receiving gifts and then you said?

These are the ways to communicate it by being thoughtful,

Getting,

You know,

Showing,

Doing acts of like doing kind things.

I don't understand.

The third language is receiving gifts.

If I don't understand,

There's a good chance it's somewhere.

So you would give thoughtful gifts and gestures.

Small things matter in a big way.

Express gratitude and receiving a gift.

It's like,

You know,

Some couples are like that.

Like,

Oh,

You know,

I know that it really speaks to me when he brings me flowers every week.

Right.

It's this kind of way.

But they know that they're loved.

OK.

The opposite,

Right?

If you if a partner wasn't doing that,

They'd forget special occasions,

For instance.

They would give a gift without enthusiasm.

Right.

Another language of love is quality time.

That would be important to that person.

Right.

Uninterrupted and focused conversations.

One on one time is critical.

That means you take time to create space for those moments,

Take walks,

Do small things with your partner,

We can get aways,

Etc.

Versus being distracted on your phone or going long stints without one on one time together.

And the last one is acts of service.

So it's really being involved.

Like,

I'll help with that or I'll wash the dishes today or,

You know,

Going the extra mile like if your partner sleeps in and you go and make them breakfast or get them coffee when you're getting your own,

That kind of thing.

Right.

It's it's sharing in that way,

Going out of your way to help alleviate their daily workload.

The opposite of this would be,

Which I think it's important to mention,

Would be making the requests of others at a higher priority,

Lacking follow through on tasks big and small.

Yes,

Mike.

I was raising my hand.

Those of you watching on video.

So I want to be I want to understand this.

So what's his name again?

Dr.

Gary Chapman.

Gary Chapman.

He's saying that everybody has these.

As I'm looking at this list,

I would like to both give and receive all five.

Yes,

Obviously I would,

Too.

I think most everybody would.

But what would be the most important to you?

Like,

What is the way that you know you are allowed?

What would you say?

Because for you?

Well,

That's the point that I wanted to do.

What do you think my language is?

My love language is.

And I was in the guess what your love language is.

I mean,

It has to be what you're saying,

One that is the one because,

For instance,

Right?

Yes.

Let's say receiving gifts,

For instance.

That is not your language.

Oh,

That is the opposite of my love language.

And so I think you would know,

You know,

Narrow it down.

So first you're going to try to guess my love language.

Let's see.

And by the way,

I think this is a good game for our listeners.

If you are in a relationship,

Well,

If you're not,

Then you can it's good to know for yourself or to sit with your partner.

Let me think about this affirmation,

Physical,

Not gifts,

But quality time acts of service.

Yeah,

For what time with you,

What are your love languages?

I think it's,

I can't say it's one.

I mean,

What comes to mind would be.

.

.

No,

I'm just very clear about what it's like.

One and four.

One and four.

Well,

One,

Four and three.

Or none,

Meaning affirmations,

Quality time and gifts.

That's not.

.

.

No,

You disagree vehemently?

Do I not know you after all these years?

No,

You're not wrong.

You're not wrong.

Yeah.

I mean,

There's,

There's things that are important to me at different times,

But there's only one that if you didn't do it,

It would be a real problem.

Quality time?

Am I in trouble?

Words of affirmation.

Yeah.

Is the one.

Like listening,

Listening actively,

Encouraging genuinely being very invested in the volume.

And I think,

Yeah.

And if I had to guess your love language.

.

.

Is that part of the game?

I would say it's the same.

I think that that is number one.

Really?

Listening actively,

Empathizing with what you're going through,

Encouraging you.

I'm not sure that that's my number one.

Really?

Gosh,

Well,

I don't know about this,

Gary.

I think quality time would be my number one.

Let me just look at this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

You do ask for those things a lot.

I think that's why you do.

And that probably would seem like the obvious,

I guess,

But I think I chose words of affirmation for you because I just think that I do them so well that you don't know you.

No,

Like really,

If you think about the difficult times we've been through and if I wasn't empathetic and I didn't show you appreciation,

I didn't listen actively to you.

I guess.

I guess.

I think that you're almost taking that for granted.

Like it's obvious.

Maybe you want more.

Which is so awesome.

No,

I think you want more of,

So I don't know.

I mean,

It's not so black and white.

Well,

That's the thing.

I'm trying to figure this out.

So I haven't read the book,

But you have,

Obviously.

He's saying that these are.

.

.

The thing is this.

What he found in the couples that he met with is that they didn't know how they gave love to their partner the way they wanted to receive it.

And it's a different language.

And they weren't thinking about.

.

.

The language of the partner.

So really it's a way to be empathetic and put yourself in your partner's shoes so you know how to give to them.

That's really how I see it.

Yeah.

And I just think,

Again,

I think for both of us,

But again,

I think you want more quality time,

Which is why you're saying that's your language of love.

But I really think that for both of us,

What we brought to each other.

.

.

I mean,

I don't have words to name.

I think you totally disagree with me.

But I think when we fell in love,

We both.

.

.

It was the first time we were seen and we were heard and we felt understood.

And so I think that that is just a constant in our relationship,

The words of affirmation.

And for me,

That's very nurturing.

I just,

I know that that is my love language.

Oh,

That's for sure.

But I definitely like all the other things.

Yeah,

But for me.

.

.

I like all the other things.

But for me.

.

.

I love when you do acts of service.

Yes.

Love quality time and love receiving gifts from you.

Yes.

Love physical touch.

So,

But I would say that's the main one.

But you're saying quality time.

I don't know.

You really think that's your.

.

.

I think if I had to put.

.

.

I can't say.

.

.

I mean,

The only one that I would say is a definite no is gifts.

I don't like.

.

.

I know that.

.

.

.

To receive gifts.

But yeah,

I'll put it in order of affirmation.

But this is not the way you play the game.

It has to be only one.

Is that what you're saying?

I mean,

According to Gary,

I think it is.

But okay,

What are your two languages of love?

I would just put it in order of importance.

I don't think.

.

.

Actually,

Acts of service is also not so important to me.

I think those two are really not important.

I just do that naturally also for you.

Monica,

Where did you put my.

.

.

Sure,

Sure.

We'll accept that as a possible answer.

But I would say therefore,

I'm left with three,

Affirmation,

Quality,

Time,

And physical.

And I think in that order.

Yeah,

I agree.

So I guess.

.

.

Well,

I do want to give you an example of a misaligned love language.

Okay.

Because by the way,

I think just.

.

.

I mean,

Even in our conversation,

Even though I think we're very much in tune with each other,

I think even just having this conversation,

I think opens up some more ways of connection.

And I'm certain,

I think for many of our listeners,

It's a good conversation to have with your partner.

But I'm trying to think just out of the box,

Are there other love languages?

Because again,

Just to be clear,

He's saying these are the main five.

That he saw in his counseling.

Yeah.

I mean,

I think they cover the five.

I mean,

What are the hierarchy of human needs?

There's a few more.

So if we looked at that list,

We're like,

Oh,

But I think that physical touch,

Appreciation,

Time together,

Acts of service,

I think falls under the sharing part and spirituality.

I think that you do that when you put your ego aside.

So I do,

I think it covers all of them.

Yeah.

I agree.

This is an example of a couple who has a misaligned love language.

Let's call her Cindy.

Is this a surreal couple?

Yes.

Some of you have been counseling.

So for her,

It's acts of service,

That cup of coffee or doing the dishes or helping out on the house for.

.

.

I better write these names down or I forget it.

So Cindy and let's say,

Carl.

You don't want to back to it and say the real name.

And Carl's love language is physical touch.

And they acknowledge that neither of them are very successful at focusing on the other's love language.

They're aware of it or you made them aware of it.

They're aware of it now.

Cindy keeps doing acts of service and Carl keeps trying to hug her usually while she's in the middle of something.

She says,

I'm trying to do something.

And he interprets that as you don't love me.

And she retorts,

Of course I love you.

Why else would I do all this stuff for you?

So that's an example of right.

They love each other,

But they're just giving each other what the other one really wants.

So I do think it's an important thing.

And then it brings me to that concept that I write about in Rethink Love about bids of affection.

There's so many couples that reject bids of affection from a partner because they don't really even recognize it as such.

And I always say,

If your partner is asking for your attention,

Of course,

If you're in the middle of something that cannot be done later,

But if you're not and it's just an average day,

Like when I'm in the kitchen with my hands full of cookie dough and you've called me out,

I've used this example before,

You know,

Because you've read something funny,

I'll come out of the kitchen into the room with my hands full of cookie dough because I like that you stopped to share with me because you thought I would enjoy it.

And I think that couples don't do that enough.

And when they don't,

It usually causes arguments and feeling lonely in a relationship.

Also research shows that when you habitually turn away from your partner,

It harms relationship over time because then you just stop asking.

And I think it's such an important point.

I think that maybe a real reason that happens is that people aren't even aware that that's what's happening,

Right?

Because you could say,

You know,

I'm in the middle of whatever doing,

Entering emails and you called me,

You wanted to show me something,

You know,

Respect my time.

As opposed to understanding,

No,

It's actually,

It's interesting,

Right?

It's reminded me of one of our more favorite songs.

I think the words are correct me if I'm wrong.

I see men shaking hands saying,

How do you do?

They're really saying,

I love you.

Right.

And the point is that we never sing.

You never sing on this podcast.

Really?

Yes,

I did.

It's not true.

I made you.

Yeah.

I put you in that.

So not maybe,

Maybe in the next,

Next episode,

That's what we'll do.

Just sing to each other songs.

But I think the point is that it's a good time for couples that are people in a relationship wanting to be in relationship to ask the question,

You know,

How in the past week,

Day has my partner made a bid for attention and I rejected it.

Not being aware really of what was being said.

I think it's a very important point.

And I think,

By the way,

One of the,

One of your great abilities is being able to ascertain not from the obvious sort of from the scene,

What's really going on below it.

And I think that's one of the reasons people miss them is because they're,

Then they're thinking,

Well,

He's just asking me to watch a video I might or might not want to,

As opposed to saying,

No,

He's actually talking to me and saying,

You know,

I want to love you in this way.

I think it's a very important point.

There's a quote by Pierre Reverdy and he said,

There is no love.

There are only proofs of love.

I like that.

Again,

Can I disagree?

Really?

Of course there's love,

Right?

There's no seen love.

There's only seen proofs of love.

Well,

Because,

Because love exists,

Right?

As we sit here now,

I believe I have a tremendous amount of love for you.

But if I,

Hopefully you have a great love for me.

Yes,

But I know that because you showed me that repeatedly.

Exactly.

So,

So it's not,

Maybe that's what he meant.

Maybe that's what he meant.

That is what he meant.

He just said it very poetically and you're taking it very matter of factly.

I apologize.

Okay.

But again,

Because to state it was,

There is no love,

Right?

There is no seen love.

Although of course there is tremendous love,

But there are seen proofs of love.

Do we agree?

Yes.

So if anybody wants to go deeper into the love languages,

You can buy his book or actually you can go to more importantly,

Buy Rethink God by Monica Byrd.

Thank you.

I hope you enjoyed this shorter version of Spiritually Hungry.

Still continue to send your questions,

Comments,

Stories,

Corrections,

Anything we said,

Or requests for songs to Monica and Mike at likeabout.

Com.

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Thank you.

We hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

And there's homework.

Figure out your love language and make sure your partner or your future partner knows it.

Now go enjoy the sun.

Stay spiritually hungry.

Reviews

Thanks for the great overview of the five love languages! 💜🧡💛💚💙