9. Find Your Happy

What is the secret to creating lasting happiness? In this episode of Spiritually Hungry, Monica and Michael Berg discuss how to use sadness as a catalyst for necessary change in order to achieve deep fulfillment. Join them for a powerful conversation about sharing and experiencing true happiness within.

Transcript

The only time you can receive light is when you're in a state of happiness.

The only time you can really receive blessings is when you're in a state of happiness.

Why?

Because like attracts like.

We're never meant to live in the past or in the future.

We're meant to reveal sparks in each day,

Reveal our own happiness and find that.

If you catch yourself saying or thinking I will be happy when,

Know you were completely on the wrong course.

Very often our sadness comes from external needs that we have for other people to be certain things or to do certain things.

Real happiness is going to come from inside.

I really have found that sadness when it's consistently gnawing at you,

It's saying wake up,

Choose you and take responsibility for your life,

Whatever that looks like.

Welcome to the spiritually hungry podcast episode nine on happiness.

I have a question for all of you joining us and I'd like you to really think about it before answering.

Do you know what makes you happy?

Michael,

Do you know what makes you happy?

I think so.

This is not rehearsed.

You.

Oh,

That was a little too obvious.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

We were preparing for this.

Monica said she was going to do that and my original answer was many different things,

But that I do know your answer was yes.

Yes.

Right.

Sorry.

It wasn't very interesting.

It's true though.

It's true though.

No lie.

I'm one of the things that make you happy.

It's a question for the ages.

Scientists,

Theologians,

Philosophers,

Artists and psychiatrists from every era have posited the question,

What makes us happy?

The greatest spiritual thinkers teach how to create and experience happiness,

But sometimes these practices don't yield results.

We expect positive thinking movement,

Right?

We've all heard of that.

So basically think happy thoughts and you'll be happy.

The problem with that,

It's impossible to think happy thoughts all the time,

Especially when you're sad.

Right.

And things happen.

Life happens.

Situations happen.

And then it kind of sets us up for failure.

So what's the formula?

What is the secret to creating happiness?

And the answer is nuanced and complex.

And it begins with something called the happiness baseline.

Have you heard of that?

I think so.

I've been preparing for this before.

You're so bad at this.

You could never be an actor.

Okay.

Yeah.

No,

What is the- I'm going to tell you.

I'm going to tell you right now.

We all have one.

It's also referred to as the hedonic treadmill.

It's defined as the observed tendency for humans to return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive,

Like winning the lottery,

Or negative,

Like breaking a leg events.

We tend to revert- I don't mean to cut you off,

But I think it's important for our listeners,

And I've heard about this many times and have even spoken about this.

But when you understand,

And that's the beauty of having the scientific and researched studies,

Is that if that's really true,

And it is true because science tells us it's true,

Research has told us this is true,

That really should begin to shift how we view happiness,

Which means science is telling us that,

Yes,

We can draw momentary or even some time period of fulfillment and happiness from occurrences,

Be they the most amazing things to the smaller things,

But it doesn't last.

The deeper question isn't so much what brings us happiness,

Because I think that list is relatively long.

I think the more important question is what can bring us lasting happiness?

And also what I want to talk about in this segment is that whether we have the highs from great things or those from things that we don't really want,

We do have this baseline level,

Each one of us.

You can change your baseline.

Interesting.

And we're going to give some tips and tools.

So we tend to revert to the general level of contentment that we feel on any given day,

To our baseline.

Very interesting.

It's funny,

When I have the opportunity to share about happiness,

Often I'll quote from ancient sages and ancient writings that I usually agree with,

But I'm really excited to share with our listeners something that I agree with only the first part of and vehemently disagree with the second part of.

It's a little bit of a lengthy quote,

But I think it's really worthwhile to really start our thought process and understanding about happiness.

It's a quote from Freud,

And he says the following.

He first asked the question,

What's the purpose of life?

And in his usual way,

He comes to the conclusion,

You can't really be sure that there is a purpose to life.

Again,

His view is not mine.

And then he says,

So therefore I won't even go too deep into that question.

We will therefore turn to the less ambitious question of what men themselves,

By the way,

I assume he means men and women,

What men themselves show by their behavior to be the purpose and intention of their lives.

What do they demand of life and wish to achieve in it?

And again,

I like the phrase demand of life because I think often,

Too often,

We go through life and life happens to us.

I like the thought of,

No,

I'm going to demand of my life these things.

It shows that you participate in your life.

You direct it.

You should be creating it.

Absolutely.

So what do they demand of life and wish to achieve in it?

The answer to this can hardly be in doubt.

They strive for happiness.

They want to become happy and to remain so.

This endeavor has two sides,

A positive and a negative aim.

It aims on the one hand at an absence of pain and unpleasure and on the other at the experiencing of strong feelings of pleasure.

In its narrower sense,

The word happiness only relates the last,

Right?

Not necessarily not feeling anything negative or painful,

But the pursuit of strong feelings of pleasure.

In conformity with this dichotomy and his aims,

Man's activity develops in two directions,

According as it seeks to realize in the main or even exclusively the one or the other of these aims.

As we see,

What decides the purpose of life is simply the program of the pleasure principle.

So I completely agree with Freud's understanding of humanity is that what drives us,

What drives absolutely almost every decision that we make to do,

Not to do,

To think,

Not to think is the pleasure principle.

What will make me happy?

What will make me happy,

What will give me pleasure.

This principle dominates the operation of the mental apparatus from the start.

There can be no doubt about its efficacy and yet its program is at loggerheads with the whole world,

With the macrocosm as much as with the microcosm.

So interestingly,

This is where in my opinion,

And not just my opinion,

The opinion of thousands of sages throughout the ages,

Freud veers off what I think is really the truth about humanity and the truth about life and certainly the truth about happiness.

Because here he really comes to the conclusion that that pursuit of happiness is actually at odds with what happens in our lives.

He goes on to say,

There is no possibility at all of it's being carried through.

Again,

I vehemently disagree with that statement.

Further he says,

All the regulations of the universe run counter to it.

Again,

I disagree.

One feels inclined to say that the intention that man should be happy is not included in the plan of creation.

We did again,

Again.

That's crazy.

Yep.

I never read that.

Yes.

One feels inclined to say that the intention that man should be happy is not included in the plan of creation.

Wow.

So again,

I think this is- We believe the exact opposite.

We believe the- But I think,

Let's start with the first,

Which again,

Often I think in order to really become better at something,

You have to really give the thought around the principle.

So here,

And this is something that philosophers throughout the ages have said,

And this is obvious to any of us who really take the time to think,

That this is for all of humanity at the core of how we try to direct our lives.

We are trying to achieve pleasure.

We are trying to achieve happiness.

The second half again,

Which I completely disagree and disagree not just philosophically,

But also in practice,

And I think this is what really separates the spiritual view because it's not just an argument to philosophy,

But I actually see it manifest.

I actually see it work.

But as I said,

For me,

Whereas I often like to quote people who I agree with completely,

I think it's important to accept the first truth,

Which Freud says,

Which is that this is absolutely where all of us are at.

But then the question is,

If that's the paradox of life seems to be that man's desires are in complete opposition or loggerheads,

As he says,

With what happens to us in life.

Because if you look at the world,

And I'm sure there are studies on this,

So many of us individually and even throughout the world are not experiencing happiness most of the time.

It's a weird concept because if that's where most of us want to be going,

Why is it that we find it so difficult to achieve it so much so that again,

Freud comes to the conclusion that it's not even a possibility?

Well,

I love this and we're going to get into why that happens for people.

But I think also it's important to differentiate between happiness and pleasure.

I think they're different things and I think the pursuit of them are also different.

I remember when,

And that's not too long ago,

Maybe a year,

Our eldest,

We weren't really so excited about how he was spending most of his time each day and to the point where we had a serious heart to heart.

And I remember we were going back and forth about how we thought he should be spending time or and even let's see how he wanted to spend time.

We were asking questions like,

If you continue to do this,

Where will you be in five years from now or 10 years from now?

And he answered,

Well,

I wake up every day and I ask myself what's going to make me happy.

And after he was talking for a while,

I stopped and said,

Wait a second,

That's not really what you're doing.

You're waking up every day and you're asking yourself what's going to make me feel good.

And the pursuit of that,

I think is feel good in this moment.

And I think that that is linked to pleasure more.

And at the end of the day,

At night,

You've done many,

Many things.

You don't feel so good the next morning you wake up and maybe you have some regret,

Maybe you don't,

And then you're chasing that thing that's going to make you feel good again.

And I think that that's also related to egos,

Desires,

And we can go into all of that.

But I think that's just a really important distinction to make.

Right.

And I think the goal needs to be how can I live my life in such a way that my experience of happiness is more constant,

Is more constant.

And again,

Even before I know we have a few questions,

But even before we get to the question,

The one thing that I'd like to say is that certainly my opinion,

But the opinion of many spiritual teachers for thousands of years has been that absolutely every single one of us can achieve a life with,

I would say at least significantly more happiness than we experience now.

That because that is ultimately our purpose,

We should be pursuing it and asking ourselves the question,

Am I,

Again,

Because it's not about,

Like you said,

Am I having fun right now,

Which is an important question,

By the way,

As an aside,

But that is not the life question.

The question is,

Am I.

.

.

And also that's something that's going to bring you happiness.

Right.

Well,

It can.

Can you have a great stake in that moment?

Not long lasting.

Exactly.

But what type of life do I need to be living?

In what ways do I need to be changing and growing so that I can achieve more and more lasting happiness with the understanding?

And this,

I think,

Is consciousness is so important.

And I ask of all of our listeners to really think about this.

I was created to receive goodness.

I was created to experience happiness,

If not exclusively,

For the most part.

And if you don't accept that,

Because I think the bigger issue is that most people don't even accept that.

Even the word happiness in English comes from an old world word that means luck or chance,

Which I think is the view that most people have,

Which is like,

No,

I don't know how to get how to be happy.

I don't know what's going to bring it.

I'll get lucky.

I'll be happy for a moment and then not the other.

Or I won't get lucky.

That's just reserved for certain people.

Right.

Right.

I think before we even,

As I said,

Get to the question,

Even begin the discussion,

That's where we want to start.

You know,

It's interesting.

As you were speaking,

I was thinking,

You know,

The first 17 years of my life,

I didn't have spirituality.

I grew up in a nice home,

Loving parents,

But nobody was living a spiritual life.

And I felt a lot of lack.

And I remember through those years now looking back on them,

Happiness or moments of joy were things that you kind of stumbled upon.

Right.

Again,

Like that chance encounter.

And I often think about this,

Like if I'm walking through a Walgreens or a Rite Aid and you know,

It's like Easter and there's like this big selection of things for Easter or Valentine's Day or now it's the new year.

And I realized that very often,

I think as a culture,

We assign certain times where we will be happy,

Right?

New Year's Eve,

You're going to be happy because it's the beginning of the new year or summer,

First day of summer,

Right?

And we don't actually realize that we can cultivate that for ourselves.

And I think that is directly linked to whether or not,

And it's back to what you said,

I think people who aren't pursuing a spiritual life or don't even understand what that means or what that looks like or where to start,

It's not something you understand that you can create for yourself.

Exactly.

Because you don't even know how to do it.

Exactly.

And I think I'll repeat it again,

And I think it's important that each one of us repeats this to ourselves every single morning.

I was created to be happy and I,

Each one of us,

Can be the creator of my happiness.

And hopefully we get into that.

But that's,

If you don't start with those two truths,

Everything else will be lucky happiness.

And you live a low,

Like a dull kind of feeling through life.

Because again,

If it's a wedding,

Things happen to you,

You're going to get excited.

And then you go back to this,

I guess it's the baseline,

Right?

And the baseline actually becomes lower because you don't realize that you can actually elevate it.

And when I look back again,

Those first 17 years of my life to the life I'm living today,

And it's not that I haven't had challenges,

Not like there's things that have happened that have made me feel sad at times,

But I know my baseline is higher now.

And I just remember looking back at those years with kind of like a great tint on it in my memory.

Interesting.

Exactly.

And like I said before,

When you spoke about hedonic adaptation,

That should be a clear indicator to all of us that the real creation of joy must be something internal.

Yes,

You can enjoy the external occurrences and you can enjoy things that are external to you,

But only if it's initially based upon and coming from a growing baseline of joy that you live with.

So let's get to the first question.

We have two today.

Okay,

Here it is.

We all naturally derive happiness from external sources,

People,

Nature,

Experiences,

Things,

Etc.

How do we allow ourselves to find happiness in these external sources without becoming dependent upon them?

How do we build happiness from within and make sure we're constantly nurturing that source of happiness?

Very good question.

So interestingly,

And maybe paradoxically,

I think often many truths are paradoxical.

The sages and the spiritual teachers for thousands of years have taught something which would to maybe many people be counterintuitive.

That rather than going outside of myself for happiness,

The real way to cultivate,

To grow and achieve the happiness for which we are all destined,

It has to begin internally.

What does that mean?

We are each one of us,

We have a soul which is a part of what we call the light of the Creator or maybe more simply a part of that force that created our world and our universe.

And true happiness comes from when I am living that reality,

Living as myself as the Creator because then I am attached to my internal energy or my soul which is happy.

So the way to view it is that,

And we spoke a little bit about I think in a different context last podcast that I have and you have as we sit here now as our listeners are sitting or running whatever you are doing as you are listening to this podcast,

You have within you a endless source of happiness.

There is literally nothing outside of yourself that you need that needs to bring you happiness.

It's all there.

As I am sitting here now,

All the happiness,

There is enough energy,

Enough happiness within me to keep me happy from now until 190 years.

You are going to need to unpack that.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

I know.

I was thinking it's very… Because it sounds impossible.

Right,

Right.

So,

But let's posit that as the beginning that each one of us has what we call the soul,

That internal energy that is in tune the same as what we would call the creator of this universe or that energy that created our world.

It's in within me,

It's within you,

It's within every single person.

And that already has all the happiness.

As I said,

All the happiness that we need.

The way to activate that.

So now it's a different concept.

I don't need to search for happiness.

Right?

I need to activate the happiness that already exists within me.

And by the way,

And the reason it's so important to know this because this consciousness,

They say that if you don't believe that,

Nothing else that I am going to share or nothing else we can talk about will ever actually enable you to tap into that internal happiness.

So let's again,

Let's just posit that,

That there's that endless happiness that exists within me.

How do I access that?

How do I reveal it?

And therefore experience it in my physical body as well by behaving like the creator or behaving like a creator.

For example,

There are many studies.

There's a famous study by Dr.

Richard Davidson.

And he found that there's a specific part of the brain that lights up,

That is responsible for happiness.

When you have happy feelings,

Emotions,

There's a part of the brain that lights up.

So there's the happiness part of the brain.

The neurons fire up.

Right.

And that specific part of the brain.

He then did a study and he hooked people up to the ability to test which part of the brains.

And when he had people meditate on compassion for other people,

That lit up the same part of the brain that causes happiness.

This brings us,

And again,

There are many other studies.

There's another study from the University of California where for six weeks they had a group,

They had a control group who didn't do this.

And they had another group that they were told to pick one day of the week that they would do five random acts of kindness.

After six weeks,

They tested both groups and the group that did that,

Which means that one day a week they did five random acts of kindness,

They were significantly happier than the other group.

So what does that tell us?

That tells us that there's something innate within us that when we are thinking of others,

And I would say even more powerfully,

When we are doing for others,

That causes the same part of our brain that brings us happiness.

So there is an interlocked relationship between doing for others and happiness.

Now again,

If you maybe don't have the spiritual viewpoint,

It would be kind of surprising.

Why would those two parts of emotional experience be connected?

But based on what the sages have told us for thousands of years,

That by thinking of others,

By doing for others,

You are accessing because you're behaving like a creator,

The creator,

Therefore you are able to access that endless happiness that exists within you.

Now tell me if that,

Again,

As I was thinking about this concept,

I wanted to make sure that I'm so happy I'm doing this with you and not giving a lecture because it's such an important concept and I know it can be sometimes difficult,

Certainly for people who are relatively new to spiritual concepts to receive.

It's so powerful and I think it is really foreign to most of the world.

I know that whenever I'm actually feeling a little bit down,

I'm looking actively on the streets as I pass people by,

Like how can I help,

What can I do?

Because I know that's the fastest way to activate happiness within.

Often on my birthday,

Especially with people I work out with,

I'll bring gifts and they really don't understand,

They're like,

Why are you doing this?

It's your birthday,

You're supposed to be split.

I'm like,

No,

This is the day to give the most because it's the day I came into the world.

I don't think unless you've tasted what that feels like when you actually activate the happiness that does exist inside of you,

It just seems completely backwards.

But that's the thing about most truths in life.

Right.

But I guess my question to you- I think it's clear.

I think that it's foreign though,

Is what I'm saying.

Right.

Okay.

So I'll just,

Again,

So to- And I think that it's great and actually,

I want you to continue with your thought,

But I really hope that our listeners will go out and try this and get a taste of it because it's the only way that you actually are able to tap into it.

I would only add,

I would add two things to that.

There's a very big difference between the action of giving to others or even thinking about others depends how it's done.

Right?

I mean,

Even in our own lives,

There are times that we feel obligated to give,

Right?

That's not really giving.

It's not really giving,

But I'm saying it can be confusing.

I'm a person who'd say,

Well,

I spend all day taking care of my kid.

Right?

And you would think that that's giving.

I know a lot of people who do that.

It does not bring them happiness at the end of the day.

I think it's very important to understand the context of this.

When we talk about giving,

We're talking about living.

It's really the consciousness that precedes the action.

You are a person saying,

I am being a creator right now.

It could be I take this cup of tea and I'm giving it to you,

But I'm not just giving it to you because you're really thirsty.

You asked me for it.

I really don't want to give it to you.

I don't want it anymore.

Oh,

I don't want it.

Exactly.

No,

But I'm actually being a creator.

I am taking something that is mine,

In this case,

It's just a cup of tea,

And I am creating for you some sort of pleasure.

Well,

It's like everything that we teach.

It's all about consciousness at the end of the day.

It's where everything starts and everything ends.

I think that we're talking about a concept that we refer to kabbalistically as transformative sharing,

Right?

It's an action that you're doing that is somehow difficult for you in some level to give,

Right?

But by doing that,

You've actually awakened and changed something within yourself.

You've created some kind of growth.

If you're a billionaire and you give charity and you write a check,

That's a very kind action.

It's a nice action,

But it was probably easy for you to do,

Right?

But if you ask a billionaire who maybe doesn't ever clean the toilets,

Let's say,

To actually do that kind of action,

That would be very uncomfortable and thereby it would awaken something within that hasn't been.

Right,

Right.

But I want to,

Again,

I think it's important to clarify the difference because what we're talking about here,

And again,

For me,

This is scientifically backed as well besides thousands of years of wisdom,

But let's not mistake the times that we're giving.

.

.

Charitable.

.

.

.

Or even giving to what we're talking about here,

Which is really living in a way that I see myself as behaving like the creator or a creator because that's really what allows me to access.

.

.

You're going to have to unpack that too because I think for many people,

They may not have tasted that.

So how is it that you view the creator,

Right?

Let's talk about that because I don't think that people.

.

.

How do you awaken something within yourself if you don't fully understand it outside of yourself?

I'll give you a simple example because we've all experienced either ourselves or others who spent significant amount of time doing for others,

But they might resent it,

They might be doing it because nobody else can do it,

Right?

That's not the type of action or thought that awakens my soul,

That awakens that internal creator aspect of me.

It has to be called proactive,

Which is an important word,

But it really has to be that thought process and anybody can do it in the action,

Which is to say,

I am going to share with you or with that person because I know that this is really the way to reveal,

To access the light of my soul.

And actions of either being in service of others or sharing with other people done with this consciousness will awaken happiness for me.

So you're elevating the thought behind why you're doing the giving.

And therefore,

What I would say is the second part of that is it's so important that this not be,

You know,

I'm feeling down,

This probably works and you've pointed this out as well.

I'm feeling down today,

I'll go ahead and find a friend with whom I can share.

That will probably help you.

No,

But I think that's a really good starting point for many people who this other concept is really far out there.

Maybe I think I'll give more credit to our listeners.

I think that this is a way of life.

Yes.

It's not random acts of kindness.

It's actually the thought because as Freud tells us and all Aristotle,

All the great thinkers and philosophers have said,

This is really what my life is about.

And spiritually,

We know that that's true as well.

Then this should be a priority of my personal development,

Which means to become a creator of giving for the purpose of accessing my internal happiness.

Has to be something that I'm thinking about every single day.

Yes,

But how do you create patterns and how do you create behavior?

It is by actually going out and enforcing it a little bit,

Right?

I'm going to look for that friend.

I'm going to look for the stranger on the street.

I'm going to actually,

I don't like this term,

But fake it till you make it.

You have to,

For it to become a habit,

Right?

You have to start somewhere and then it will become something that's immediate and so ingrained and it's really part of who you are and how you live.

Right.

It has to be again,

In its ultimate purpose.

And the understanding of it.

It has to be my life.

What is my life?

And I say this for myself,

For you,

For every single one of our listeners.

The way to growing happiness,

Stable,

Consistent growing happiness is when I start viewing my life as how can I create goodness for others?

Now that doesn't mean that that's what I'm doing all day,

Every day,

But that's the type of person I want to be in this world.

And by the way,

Science backs this up.

So selfishly,

The byproduct of that is that you actually create happiness for yourself,

Right?

Because when you're saying it,

You're like,

Oh,

So if my thought is every day,

How can I make others happy?

How can I give to them?

The ego thought is,

Wait,

What about me?

Right.

But this is how it's,

It's counterintuitive.

Exactly.

It's classical,

But I would say,

I don't want to say to my mind,

But the only way I really strongly and again,

This is proven by many researchers,

The only way.

And I think if we view it in that way,

That there is really no other way to achieve lasting happiness unless there is this real reframing of the way I view my life,

Its purpose and how I behave within it.

And like I said before,

For me,

This is not just something that I believe philosophically.

I see it in action.

You know,

I,

You know,

We always say,

You don't want to talk too much about your blessings,

But there's,

I believe the reason why I am able to wake up most mornings next to you,

That's the reason besides that,

Besides that with,

With excitement and happiness is because I,

Again,

None of us are perfect.

We all have to grow and so on and so forth.

But that I tried to focus my life towards being in service to others,

Not,

And then,

You know,

My father would often make this joke,

Call it a joke,

Call it a wisdom.

My father would say,

I am the most selfish person in the world.

And that's why I spend as much time as I can sharing with others.

And that is,

Again,

Whether you need the spiritual wisdom to back it up,

Whether you need the science to back it up,

This is the only way to,

To growing happiness.

And the ones who realize that we're asking people to rethink how they prioritize their time.

But I,

A thousand percent,

I live my life like that too.

I,

We're on the same page here,

Right?

But just for a moment,

I know,

Surprise for a moment,

Think about what most people do do today,

What they're pursuing,

What their day looks like.

Right.

Because yes,

We've devoted our lives to this work.

I'm not,

I'm just,

I'm going to play,

But I think my point is even somebody,

And that's right,

Yeah,

I want to be very clear,

Even somebody who needs to spend nine to five at work selling beer and five,

And then they get home at six,

Six to seven or eight with their family and kids.

That does not in any way contradict what we're talking about.

How do you view yourself?

How do you view your life?

You're at work,

You're in the office.

Are you there drudging along or are you being,

You know,

Call it a creator or are you finding the ways within that framework of your life,

Which you have to,

You have to work,

You want to be with your family and friends,

But how do you start seeing yourself more as the creator in service of others for the singular purpose that I am the most selfish person in the world.

I want to be happy as often as long as I can be.

And I know that this is the only path.

Right.

So,

So I want to clarify,

It's not just about,

You know,

Dedicating your life to,

To,

To spiritual pursuits and studies and meditation and things like that.

I think that could be helpful,

But it's about whatever frame your life is in,

How much of that can be thought of,

Can be used,

Can be acted upon in ways that are bringing a benefit to others,

Because that's how I get that.

That's the key to happiness.

I think often people are conditioned to believe the wrong things will bring them happiness.

So often their efforts are directed towards things that we think will make us happy and then unconsciously de-prioritize the things that actually do make us happy.

Right.

So we spend a lot of time sacrificing maybe time with our families to be in the office.

So we can make more money so we can secure our future for tomorrow.

It's not really in this moment.

It's not really living in today.

And that,

You know,

That could be a waste of a life because you could constantly be chasing happiness rather than actually cultivating it and living it in each and every day.

And Daniel Gilbert,

He's an author and a professor at Harvard.

He said,

We think money will bring us lots of happiness for a long time,

But actually it brings us little happiness for a short time.

And this is really the reality that so many perceive when it comes to happiness.

It's our constant chase of dead end pleasures and we end up ignoring more effective roots of happiness.

That's very,

Very,

Very powerful.

The one thing I would add,

Which I think is really an important corollary to everything we said until now,

Is that the source of my baseline,

Hopefully growing happiness is internal.

It's awakened.

It's activated by living a life that views me as being a creator of goodness for others.

That does not in any way negate the pleasures of this world.

Which is important to talk about.

I think it's so important.

I actually believe that when you are living in the way that we've spoken about until now,

You actually can enjoy the pleasures of this world more than anybody else.

I have this conversation with my son often.

I think that I enjoy everything of this world more than many other people because the foundation of my baseline happiness that is hopefully growing is this internal force of creator,

This internal force of energy that we spoke about until now.

As a matter of fact,

There's an ancient quote in the Talmud from 2000 years ago.

Wait,

Why does that make you allow you to enjoy physical more?

Because it's in the right context.

So when I'm,

And again,

I was thinking about,

I shouldn't mention steak again.

I know there's a lot of vegetarians and vegans out there.

I apologize.

I don't eat it that often.

But when I am enjoying food,

We'll say,

When I'm enjoying one of Monica's amazing cakes,

Right?

Gluten-free,

Dairy-free,

All organic.

Yes.

It is within the,

I know that this isn't the thing that's going to bring me lasting pleasure forever,

But within the context of the happiness that I am awakening through the rest,

The way I'm focusing my life that is hopefully,

And I experience actually bringing me happiness every day most of the days,

Then this is an additional element of joy that I can add to it.

It's almost like everything that is external to me are like the spices of my meal.

The meal,

The real nurturing of my happiness comes from everything we've spoken until now,

Really trying to focus my life in giving to others so that I can awaken that internal happiness that exists within me.

And then I can enjoy a sunset more,

I think.

One can enjoy a sunset.

One can enjoy a piece of cake.

One can enjoy nature.

One can enjoy a concert even more.

What's interesting,

Because you're not assigning anything external to bring you happiness.

So when you happen to experience those things,

You're able to appreciate them,

Taste them more,

See them more vibrantly,

Whether it's a sunset or food or anything else for that matter.

And then the same thing happens in romantic relationships,

When we assign our partner to be the source of our happiness and our pleasure and our fulfillment,

We will be let down.

In fact,

We don't even see them anymore because at the end,

It's just a means to our end and our pursuit.

Right?

So I think it's such an important point for people to realize,

Yes,

You're meant to enjoy the car,

The money,

The different things that bring you pleasure.

But if you assign it as the source of your happiness,

You will be disappointed and you will be chasing happiness for the rest of your life.

Absolutely.

That's such an important point.

And that explains why you get a brand new car.

How long does that feeling of happiness,

This new smell of leather or whatever,

How long does that really last?

And then it's just fleeting.

Well,

Science tells us,

You know,

You don't have to get an education.

I think it's a week.

Yeah,

Or a week or a month.

But that's such an important point.

And again,

As you said,

It relates to relationships.

Too often,

If not most of the times when relationships are not fulfilling,

It is because we are assigning our spouse,

Our friend,

Our partner to be the source as opposed to,

No,

I need to find the way.

And hopefully we've explained how to be my source and they're the spice that makes it taste even better,

But they're not the source.

And I think again,

It's important that we really internalize that concept because how many times in life do we assign so many different things only to be disappointed,

Not that they weren't pleasurable or enjoyable in the moment that for whatever reason it's not lasting.

And I think the other thing that's really important too is that we get tripped up because we're overly focused on the material.

And we often have thoughts like I'll be happy when I'll be happy when I write my book,

I'll be happy when I make this much money a year,

I'll be happy when.

And so again,

It steals the joy of each and every day.

We're never meant to live in the past or in the future.

We're meant to reveal sparks in each day,

Reveal our own happiness and find that.

But if you catch yourself saying or thinking I will be happy when,

Know you were completely on the wrong course.

Absolutely.

And again,

I want to add- Because again,

We're creating the experience not of being happy,

But of chasing happiness.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

One thing that I'll add and I hope it's not too deep of a concept- That means it's going to,

But okay.

That when you're living in happiness,

When you are able to be creating,

Connecting to that internal happiness that exists within you through the actions that we spoke about before,

You're actually a magnet to the energy within things.

So when you're looking at a beautiful flower,

You're actually able to extract much more pleasure from it than somebody who is not awakening their own happiness.

Because the czar,

The foundational text of Kabbalah writes that the only time you can receive light is when you're in a state of happiness.

The only time you can really receive blessings is when you're in a state of happiness.

Why?

Because like attracts like.

If you're in a state of sadness,

You can't attract light and blessings,

Which is happiness.

When you're in a state of happiness,

You can.

Therefore,

And again,

I can tell you that I experienced this,

That I've experienced greater joy from a concert or from nature because of the internal happiness that already exists that is able to extract even more pleasure from all the other external necessary important.

You want to say something?

I just want to add to that.

It's like that Kabbalistic principle that people,

They think they're sad because things don't go their way when in actuality things don't go their way because they're sad,

Which is to that point of attracting energy in things,

But also in life's experiences.

Right.

And there's another story in the czar that says that King David is seen as a great spiritual giant.

And at times when he felt he wanted inspiration,

He wanted wisdom,

And he felt sad,

He knew that he could not access inspiration and wisdom in that state of sadness.

He actually would have a player,

A harp player come to his room and play the harp and through that music,

Bring him some happiness.

And then he was able to draw wisdom and connection and light and blessings into his life.

And that's in a very,

Again,

It's maybe a little bit scary to think this,

But I think it's important that many of us are probably going throughout our days with blessings ready to come in,

With light ready to come in,

With joy ready to come in.

But because we are in a state of sadness or even not enough happiness,

We actually block out that energy from coming further into our lives.

So when you understand that happiness actually acts not only as a pleasure source,

But actually creates a magnet for the blessings.

Again,

The.

.

.

I don't think it's scary.

I think basically.

.

.

No,

But I'm saying somebody's sad.

No,

But I think we're asking people to take responsibility for the state of their lives.

I mean,

Some people really do have real issues and maybe they need a little help in other ways when there's extreme sadness.

But for the majority,

We go through our lives getting really down about things and then that dictates the rest of our lives.

It's like that parable about a boy is walking outside nature and he sees the beautiful sun shining and there's clouds and the sky's blue and butterflies and birds.

And then he took something as insignificant as two pennies and put them over his eyes.

And suddenly everything's black.

There's nothing.

There's no beauty.

There's no joy.

There's no happiness.

It's not connecting to anything outside.

We tend to take things like two insignificant pennies and things that happen in our life day to day and we make it everything.

And we stop actually being able to connect to all the goodness and beauty that does exist because there's always.

.

.

I mean,

Even in the most difficult things,

We know that there's a gift in it,

But there's a gift in each and every day.

I really like focusing on that because I think most people live their lives in terms of years.

Next year,

I'll do this.

In three years,

I'll save enough money and then I'll go on that vacation.

Again,

It's assigning happiness to some far off place when really you want to live your life minute by minute,

Second by second.

Right.

That's a very important point.

So really you should be asking yourself,

Even if you're having this great vacation in a week or you have this great dinner tonight,

The question has to be what and what can I do or how do I awaken happiness in this moment before that?

And by the way,

As we said before,

What's going to happen if you're as you.

.

.

And I know that each one of us can do this.

That dinner is going to be 100 times better for you than it would have been otherwise.

That vacation is going to be 100 times more.

.

.

About 100 is a lot.

10 times more pleasurable than it would have been otherwise.

If you're creating your own happiness as you go through life,

Then those external occurrences actually become even greater.

If you're waiting for those occurrences,

Not only are you not experiencing happiness right now,

Which is sad,

But also those experiences will be so greatly diminished.

It's interesting.

People often ask me if something's coming up for me,

Are you excited about that?

Or if we're going on a trip or if I have something big happening in the night?

And I always answer,

No,

Not yet.

I'm not there yet.

And who knows?

Things can change in a moment.

Right?

Because that's my whole.

.

.

I'm in this moment.

I'm not even thinking about what's next.

Unless I'm hungry,

I might be thinking about dinner.

But I really train myself to never look for the future.

Even something that's a few hours away or a week away is something that's going to bring me happiness because we have no idea really what's going to happen in any given moment.

The only thing that we're sure of right now,

You and I in this moment,

Is that we're sitting here having a great conversation.

Exactly.

In this moment.

And right now we're happy.

Right.

Exactly.

And one more thing,

Again,

Is to reiterate,

Because I think it was such an important point that you brought up.

I thank you.

I was thinking,

People might know this or might not know this.

We could actually also spend an hour just making jokes at each other for this.

But I think it's important we stay on topic.

We have more gifts,

Blessings,

Positive energy that is meant to be coming our way.

And only when we're happy do we actually allow them to come in.

And when we're not happy,

We actually block them from coming in.

And so when you think about it in that way,

Again,

As I'm going through life,

As you're going through your day,

It's just not worth it not being happy.

It's not worth it being sad.

Not because you're wrong about the fact that your relative called you up and yelled at you and they were nasty and they were wrong,

And therefore I'm upset and sad.

You might be 100% right.

But is it worth me closing myself off to the blessing that's supposed to be coming to me now because of that sadness?

Do I want to be righteous in my sadness or do I want to be open through happiness to receive the blessings that are meant to come to me?

And it's such an important point because like you said,

Sometimes sadness is not a choice and it's a different topic,

But often it is a choice.

It's a choice that we actively make consciously or unconsciously,

But often consciously,

I'm upset now.

I'm going to be sad now.

Very often all you need to say is,

You know what?

I'm not.

I'm not going to be sad.

I'm not going to be upset.

Why?

Because I want to be open to all the great blessings that are meant to be coming my way.

And the only way,

The only way is through happiness.

And again.

.

.

But I think again,

We've talked about this in other podcasts,

I think sometimes people hold on to negative emotions because they feel then justified in how they're feeling.

And that's something they can do rather than having a double conversation and creating real boundaries that are necessary.

Right?

True.

It's funny,

Last night dinner just came up,

Right?

Remember somebody was sharing with us that they were going through an experience and they were holding it in and they were upset about it for a number of weeks.

Because she didn't have the words to verbalize how she was feeling.

And so she held it in until she absolutely did the most inappropriate thing and exploded.

And then she felt badly about that.

Right?

So my point is that,

Yes,

We're saying that happiness is a choice.

And if you realize that you're holding on to your sadness,

Acknowledge that and understand that there is a more effective way to deal with the boundary or the conversation you need to have or the situation.

Right?

And sometimes we mix the two up.

But I do think it's important,

And I do ask all of our listeners to really make a note of this,

That by being sad,

I am blocking off blessings.

And who wants that?

So I do want to get to our next question because it's actually directly connected to sadness.

I believe it's important to let yourself feel your feelings.

But how do you know when you have been dwelling in a negative emotion like sadness for too long,

When it's no longer healing or productive?

It's a very good question.

I think I'm going to share this before,

But some time ago,

One of our friends lost their father.

And he was sharing that his natural tendency would have been to run away from that sadness,

To kind of ignore it and get involved in other things.

But that he realized that allowing himself to go through that emotional state of sadness,

Rightfully so,

Having lost his father who he loved,

Actually was not only necessary,

What was the right thing for his growth at that time.

And while we've spoken about happiness this whole time,

And also we just said how dangerous it is to be in a state of sadness,

It is true that there are times that sadness is not only important but necessary.

As a matter of fact,

There's actually,

Kabbalistically,

One day of the year at least,

That is dedicated to looking at the pain of the world and the darkness that exists in our world and focusing on it.

And this is true both for the world,

But this is true individually as well.

There are certainly times in our lives when the experience of sadness is,

Again,

Not only necessary,

But important,

And why.

Sometimes it's just that sadness changes us in ways that we need to be changed.

You know,

There's a story about Moses,

The biblical Moses,

The reason he became a leader,

Such a great leader,

It says that he would actually dedicate a few hours every single day at that time,

Thousands of years ago,

His brethren,

The Israelites,

Were enslaved as slaves in Egypt.

And every single day he would go out,

Focus on their pain and experience,

Take the time to really meditate on their pain and experience it as his own.

And it's only because of that process that he went through that he was able to develop as the leader that he became.

So and this,

Of course,

Is talking about focusing on the sadness of others,

But also often focusing on our own sadness is a pathway to growth and change.

And I know that in my life as well,

And of course,

And I think it's important you speak to the balance,

You know,

When do you leave that state because there's a danger of staying in there too long.

But I know certainly as there's a phrase that the Kabbalists use that only somebody who partakes of other people's pain can experience other people's joy.

And the idea being that we do need to take the time and look at those around us,

Look at our world,

And even look at our own lives.

What are the sad things in our lives?

And I think it's important again,

Just,

You know,

For each one of us,

Of course,

It will be different.

And experience that emotion and experience that pain and hopefully find a way to grow from it,

To change from it.

So in the case of this person that I was talking about before,

Lost their father,

They actually found that they became a more compassionate person to others by experiencing their own pain of the loss of their father.

Nothing happens to us by accident.

Nothing is coincidental in our lives.

If there are and we all experience moments of pain,

Realities that cause us sadness,

The thought needs to be first of all,

Don't run away from it.

If you're experiencing it,

There's a purpose to it.

But make sure that you're growing from it,

Make sure that you're changing from it and then question yourself,

Am I staying in it for too long?

Is it now beginning to draw me down rather than propel me to growth and development?

There's so many things I can say about sadness.

There was a small study done just to add to your point at the Olin University and it showed that being comfortable experiencing and expressing mixed emotions was a predictor of improvements in well-being.

Paradoxically,

Ignoring or evading negative feelings was associated with a decline in happiness.

So it's so important to be able to feel sadness.

It's one of the many emotions that we have and it's set up for a good reason and necessary reason and process for all of us.

And I think it's a real indicator of sometimes what we need to change.

If you go through life and you find yourself feeling sad day in and day out,

Waking up sad and you're not usually a sad person,

It's actually an indication that there's something you're doing or not doing that you should be doing.

And it can be a real wake up call.

It's a signal for us that we're somehow out of alignment with what we're meant to experience in this world or what light we're actually meant to reveal.

We've had these conversations very often where you would share letting you experiencing sadness in one area or the other and I would say memory serves me right almost every single time.

It maybe took a few days,

Sometimes a few weeks and you came to a realization of things that needed to change.

Well,

I remember specifically there was a period where I felt unmotivated and I felt sad when I wake up in the morning and it was never about wanting to change my life's work or my purpose.

I was always very clear about that.

But I felt that the way in which I could express that or reveal what I was meant to was to be different.

Until that time I worked behind the desk.

It was very behind the scenes and I had this strong desire and inclination to really connect with people in a human,

Very real way.

And I was terrified of public speaking,

Terrified,

But I felt that I needed to do it.

And we did.

We had this conversation and I decided that as scary as it was,

As much opposition as I had in making that choice,

That I could learn to live with the sadness until I just didn't care anymore.

Because I think that sadness is definitely indirectly connected to desire.

I think when we are sad,

We're somehow diminishing our desire and making it smaller,

Not really growing it.

So when you don't give too much energy to the sadness,

You just see it as something that's showing you where you need to change.

You can actually start to build desire to do more things and to express yourself in bigger ways.

That's a very important point.

I would add one thing that sadness,

Like you said,

Really is an indicator.

And sometimes it's simply an indicator of something you need to let go of.

For instance,

Let's say you're sad because this person isn't giving you attention or that person is behaving in such a way.

It might simply be that you should not be needing or even desiring that person's,

You know,

Approbation or this person's attention.

I think it's important to question ourselves.

What is the root of my sadness?

And is the fixing of that me changing or is the fixing of that finding a way that this no longer influences me?

Because I think very often our sadness comes from external needs that we have for other people to be certain things or to do certain things.

And as we sit up until now,

Real happiness is going to come from inside.

And the removal of sadness will sometimes come from the realization,

Not always easy to say,

This person is not going to be giving me that.

I'm going to find more ways that I can internally awaken some happiness.

But this is a dead end road.

I've tried for five years for this person to be this.

And I know we've had these conversations as well.

But it really is.

You're just not,

You're not living the life you're meant to live.

I really think that when people experience sadness for prolonged periods and they wake up sad,

They're not looking forward to anything in the future.

And you know,

Each day is the same.

And there is some victim consciousness in that,

You know,

Oh,

It's I didn't live the life that I wanted or,

You know,

It's their fault before you know it.

It just becomes that's your baseline,

I guess,

For sadness,

Right?

Forget happiness.

It's just like,

OK,

And some days are worse than others and some days may be a little bit better.

But I really have found that sadness,

When it's consistently gnawing at you,

It's saying,

Wake up,

Choose you and take responsibility for your life,

Whatever that looks like.

Absolutely.

And that's the only thing that I would add,

Which I think is in line with what you're saying.

And maybe forget about this person being the assigned source of something for me.

Right?

Like I mean,

Even in family relationships,

Right?

Sometimes,

You know,

A person has an expectation,

This person is going to fulfill this role in my life.

And time after time after time after time,

It fails.

And it brings sadness.

Part of that learning should be,

OK,

I should not be expecting them to be fulfilling me in that way.

Right.

Because again,

That's external.

It's the same thing.

Like we said about happiness,

You're looking externally for somebody to be giving you something,

To bring you out of it.

And I think again,

As I said,

I think for many people,

That is the source of sadness and the fix to that.

The way to grow away from that is by becoming clearer about the fact that I do not need external things or people even to be the source of what brings me fulfillment or happiness.

So while we may have been conditioned to think that our happiness lives outside of us,

Happiness is an inside job.

Change your thoughts and your actions will change.

Change your actions and your reality will change.

Change your reality and your happiness baseline changes.

And as I said,

We're all prone to if only thinking.

If only I had fill in the blank.

If only I had more money.

If only I had a new car.

If only I had a steak dinner.

Sorry again.

Then I'd be happy.

But the secret to happiness is to be happy now.

Love the process of life because the process is 99% of life.

Achieving goals and accumulating things is such a small part of our life experience.

Are we really okay with only being happy 1% of the time?

Thank you,

Monica.

Thank you to all of our listeners.

And as I always say,

Maybe this will become my tagline.

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

And please continue to send in your questions to monicaandmichaelatcabala.

Com.

Monica A and D,

Michaelatcabala.

Com.

And we will try to get to as many of them as possible over the next few weeks and months and years of this podcast.

What excites me,

And I hear this from some of our listeners,

That if even one person listening to this podcast,

It's going to be a little bit happier in their lives.

A lot happier.

Well,

I'm saying yeah,

For sure.

The hope is thousands of people will be much happier.

But even if one person becomes a little bit happier,

I think it's been worthwhile.

So again,

I hope everybody enjoyed it.

I wasn't saying a lot of people.

I was saying even if one person is a little happy,

It's a lot happier.

Thank you.

Reviews

I love your work you guys!! fantastic … i’m smiling laughing and so grateful to you…much love ❤️

I felt a real shift after listening to this talk when I began to think of what makes me happy. Part of the problem was that I haven’t been acknowledging those things. Thank you both for the work you do. ❤️❤️

Fantastic thanks

This was awesome. Thank you.

Feeling grateful for your insights, experiences and sharings. Sending good wishes of happiness. Thank you.

whoaaa one of the best conversation I've heard ....I'm already happy hearing you guys talks..love things. .and thanks

BEAUTIFULLY Insightful and Wise❣️ LOVE listening to what you have to share! 🙏🏻💕

Thank you very much 🙏